Sister says my husband and I are selfish for wanting a child in our 40s

Of course it’s selfish. It’s the definition of selfish really. However it’s your life and your decision, nobody else’s.

I had DS at 42 he's just turned 16 so I'll be hitting my 60's when he is 18 ...not sure if he'll manage to keep up with me as I run half marathons and compete in hyrox events .I'm far fitter and healthier than many of the unfit,overweight, vaping 30 somethings I see huffing and puffing trying to walk up the hill past my house ...

I had my first at 37. I’m 40 now. I would like another but financially it wouldn’t work.

It is strange in my friend group, 4 mums, 1 is a gramma, other 2 have kids ranging from 17 to 2. We are similar ages.

I don’t find it selfish at all.

I’m 42 and pregnant so I’d say fine. But don’t underestimate either the time it takes to get pregnant or the huge emotional and time commitment (let alone costs) of IVF. It’s absolutely brutal and I was lucky it worked for me third round first time and second time first frozen embryo transfer.

Age is just one factor that could potentially disadvantage a child. If we only had children at the ideal age, when both parents had no physical or mental health problems or disabilities, were not overweight or smokers, comfortably off financially and in a great relationship that was very unlikely to fail and leave the child with a one parent family or in a blended family the birth rate would be even lower!

It’s not your age, more the 5 year plus age gap that could be the problem. A ten year old won’t want to be doing stuff suitable for a 5 year old, so they are unlikely to be particularly close.

I think you do need to consider how old the child might be when it loses its parents

I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all. You sound like you’ve had an incredible life! You’re going to pass that on to your kids

think it’s brilliant! You’ll be a more relaxed mum. Probably have more money and time as an older mum. There can be complications. For example secondary infertility is rising due to later age of pregnancy.

but hey!!if you can. Do xx

I agree @ProfessionalPirate, of course there’s a huge difference between losing a parent in your teens or even your 20’s, versus losing a parent in middle age.

@DreamTheMoors One of my friends has terminal cancer and in a few weeks, she’ll leave behind a 17 and 20-year-old behind. Surely you accept that losing their Mum now is far more devastating than in their 50’s, for example? I can’t believe that you really think otherwise.

This isn’t a dig at the OP, btw, my friend’s just been very unlucky with her health.

This is best post op.

My mum had me at 40, my dad 40... they b9th died very close together at 78.

I was very loved by them and had grear relationship. Id of never wanted it any other way.

Ffs wouldn't it be lovely to have met someone in your twenties and followed the daily mail rule book.

Not everyone is so lucky. If you are still having periods you can still have a baby. Being older doesn't immediately mean the baby may have problems. A doctor told me this, she was 45 and pregnant with natural twins. She got really angry about how women are maligned by other women.

Teens think anyone over 21 is an old fogey and don't care if you might be older.

Tell your sister to mind her own business. I would be ensuring she isn't going to be fhe one having care of your child should anything happen to you both, or control of the money. Doesn't matter how old you are.

They're living it now though, always on holiday somewhere or other!
Personally, I think they did it the best way.

And I just wanted to add - I think it matters massively if you are 15 vs 50. At 15 you are still a child, you are 100% dependent on your parents - both practically and emotionally. It’s the difference between say, 50 and 60 that ‘doesn’t matter’, other than the obvious loss of additional time to spend with them.

How rude

My mum had me at 40, im 40 now. I was a pleasant surprise supposedly...

My mum and dsd were great and did everything and more for me.

They passed away at 78.

Wouldnt change it for the world, i was loved by them and turned out fine.⁷

Plenty of people have children at your ages - but yes it is a bit unusual to deliberately wait until then with the increased risk of infertility and even more so the increased risk of disabilities at those ages.

Noone else’s business but you and your husbands.
Do what you want and ignore everyone else.
I’m on mat leave with my third baby, who I had at age 44 (conceived naturally)
I’m glad I had my children later in life. I’ve had my 20s and 30s going to uni, travelling, partying, enjoying myself, buying a house etc etc I wasn’t emotionally or financially ready for children until 35.

Of course a crystal ball would have been useful but why on earth do people think you are being selfish?? You have lived a great life, saved up good money, fallen in love with your son and want to give him a sibling and are in a position to pay for intervention if needed. Sounds pretty good to me. If you were in your late 50s then I might think differently but so many people have children in their 40s, honestly. Some by choiuce, some because of fertilitly issues and some because a pre-menopause fertility surge is a very real thing.

If you have had a great time together living the life you wanted at that time and now are happy to dedicate yourselves to your kids then your kids are far luckier than to be the product of angst-ridden younger parents who can't afford time or money to dedicate themselves to their kids.Or being made to feel like an inconvenience.

Of course there are always possibilities of disasters, whatever your age is. Just be mindful of your possible complications and work on those.

Do what you want to do and embrace it. I wish you the best of luck.

Whereabouts do you live? I ask because where I live in London it’s completely normal to have babies at this age? I don’t know any other mums who are younger than 40 in my circle (young dc), and plenty are 40’s +. It’s a very quaint view that 40 is old for motherhood or anything. Just ignore it. Your approach to life sounds great.

I voted YABU because YABU to worry about your sister's view

I can’t believe your sister would make this comment, it seems so cruel? Having a child is one of the least selfish things you can do. You literally give up your body, your resources, your life to give them a life.

Completely normal to have children early 40s in my friendship group.

57 yo single mum of 17 year old, all good here. U decide not other people

I agree you should do whatever you want and live your lives, don't listen to your sister.

But you do sound smug as fuck - which is probably the real issue 😂😂

I think you’re getting a very hard time on here OP and I’m not sure why.

Your family reactions remind me of some DH and I dealt with when we told people we were going through the adoption process at 38 knowing if it was successful we’d be almost 40 when we became parents.

I think you can be a great parent at any age. I have friends who’s parents had them young but who died when my friends were teenagers.
Others whose parents were older who are active and who help with childcare.

There’s a lot to be said for being in a tested, long term relationship, happy in your life and financially stable before adding children and these days that doesn’t happen to many people in their 20s!

In your shoes I’d be very sharply yelling your family to keep their opinions to themselves (I’d use choice swear words but I know that’s not everyone’s style).

Tell her to F off. It’s none of anyone’s business at what age they decide to have a child