Page 10 | Sister says my husband and I are selfish for wanting a child in our 40s

Ghht · 24/02/2026 00:28

Selfish is a stupid word to use. I don’t see who you’re being selfish to, or how. There’s nothing selfish about making conscientious decisions around when to have children.

You’re fine, op. It’s your and your DP’s life and no one else’s. I think leaving a second child until 40 was maybe a bit risky in terms of fertility (if it’s something you really wanted), but there is no moral judgement against that. If you’re struggling then I would get to the GP or get on the IVF journey asap.

PuceGreen · 24/02/2026 00:22

Look at what's happening to the world - Climate Change is accelerating rapidly, AI is going to destroy a vast number of jobs (traditionally middle class jobs will be the worst hit), the Arms race is back on, with more countries preparing to develop nuclear weapons, Islamic fundamentalism is spreading. And so on and so on. I wouldn't bring a baby into it. I think you'd be selfish, and not just because of your age, although that aspect of it seems selfish on its own. And obviously there would be a big age gap between your 2 children, though that's the least of the problems.

Youremylobster86 · 24/02/2026 00:12

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 23/02/2026 22:26

I’ve told her that we’ve been trying recently and struggling, but she doesn’t really offer support just says I’m old and should have done it when I was “more fertile.

Well your mum's right. What sort of 'support' do you think she should be offering? Don't tell me you didn't know that a woman's fertility drops off a cliff after 35? Why you'd choose for no good reason that I can see, to wait another four years after having your first child, I simply do not understand.

You say you are struggling already, so now you've got to decide how long you give it before you commit to IVF, so that probably wastes another year. Then the time it takes to do 'a few rounds' of IVF, because the likelihood of it working first time is only about 25%. IVF is is stressful and can be downright mentally and physically traumatic, not to mention expensive. So that's probably another six to eight months gone, and it will put enormous pressure on your relationship.

Then, if it works, you'll be recommended to have an amniocentis due to your age. That carries a 1 in 100 chance of miscarriage of the baby you just spent so much time and money trying to conceive. And if you don't miscarry because of the amnio, you have a 1 in 100 chance of the baby having Down Syndrome, rising to 1 in 50 at 43 and 1 in 30 once you are 45. So then you'll be invited to have a termination for medical reasons, if you so choose.

And then what? Do you start the whole process again?

If the pregnancy goes ahead with no issues, then congratulations, you will have a baby with a 40-50% higher chance of being autistic because of you and your husband's age.

All so you could squeeze in a few more holidays and take your own sweet time, even though you found your man 18 years ago. Selfish? Maybe. Stupid? Definitely. I hope it was worth it.

Edited

Vile!

ProfessionalPirate · 24/02/2026 00:00

flaxensunshine · 23/02/2026 23:39

My mum was 35 when she had me, so not the same I guess but. I Was born in 1978, she was the oldest mum in the playground. I am ashamed to say I was embarrassed because sadly I lost her a few years ago, she was 78.
i had my first baby at 20, he had a baby at 19 (none of this was ideal of course) but I am now 47 with 2 grown up children and 3 grandchildren,
yes I think you are selfish, you risk all kinds of complications, not to mention leaving your children and never seeing grandchildren!!
Children are not a burden and you could have had them and travelled, we take ours away all the time even as adults!
if I were you I would concentrate on the healthy child you have.

Edited

Firstly, I think the embarrassment over age is going to be very area/school specific - my mum was a similar age but it was normal at my school, a very young mum would have been far more of a spectacle!

Secondly, children will always find a reason to be embarrassed of their parents - Too old, too young, too fat, too poor…. So it’s probably not worth considering it too much.

I think you are a bit of a hypocrite to call the OP selfish when you and you bf had a baby at 20/19, which will inevitably have disadvantaged your child. You also vaguely mention ‘all kinds of complications’ when you clearly have no real idea what you are talking about.

Hellolola · 24/02/2026 00:00

Sometimes it’s best to not tell others your plans. It’s your life and you need to do what makes you happy. I’ve been going through ivf for years.. my first fiance passed away when I was 32 I met my fiance 5 years ago… so obviously I’ve had to try later for a baby.. life can’t always be planned you just have to do what makes you happy and do what I do- tell no one 🤣

Pinkgoose4 · 23/02/2026 23:59

I had my last child at 38 ..he's now 16 and I'm 53 ....it's absolutely fine .no issues..so your equivalent would be me having a 14 year old now ..again I could easily do it..not an issue..I'm no more or less tired that I was in my 20s when I had the older children..but I am a tad more irritable,which I do try to rain in definitely go for it x

slippingdowntheabyss · 23/02/2026 23:58

Good on you op.
Go for it. You sound like a loverly caring woman.
And you have a plan.
Nothing wrong with having a child at any age.
You seem to have had a full life before having a child.
Your son will be proud of you being so giving to others on your travels.
And no child needs to be sitting around on a tablet or phone when he/she can be playing or involved in other things in your family life.

IsThistheMiddleofNowhere · 23/02/2026 23:55

I would ignore all the negative comments and go for it. You sound in an ideal position to have another child. The only thing I would say though is maybe consider IVF with an egg donor as that will eliminate any chances of embryo defects and improve your chances of conceiving. That's what we did. We used an IVF clinic in Barcelona. Like you, I lived life to the full in my 20s and 30s and when I got to 40, we tried for a baby. After 6 miscarriages we then resorted to IVF using an egg donor and got pregnant pretty much straight away at 47 with twins. They are now 18, about to take their A'Levels, and I am 66 still working full time and have loved every minute being their mother and never felt my age was a setback, having the same energy levels as someone 10 years younger. So good luck and don't let anyone put you off.

TheOchreJoker · 23/02/2026 23:50

Shittyyear2025 · 23/02/2026 18:40

Hmmm. I'm torn on this op. You had your fun and gallivanting in your 20s and 30s before settling down to start a family at 36/38.

Assuming you fall on straight away, by the time your youngest gets to their mid-20s they're going to have parents aged 65/67. One of my parents was very robust at that age (and still is at 79) but the other had massive health issues that ended up requiring a LOT of support and headspace and significant resentment about expectations of provisions of care and management.

By the time they get to mid 30s they're going to have elderly parents with potentially significant health/care/headspace requirements.

My mother had me at 18, I became her carer by the time I reached that age myself.

Having kids young is no guarantee you will be a healthy or present parent in their future. I've grandparents in their 80s that are healthier than my young mother and I hate to say they may also outlive her. She was in perfect health when she had me but illness and/or accident can strike anyone.
There's nothing wrong with people having kids in their 40s.

I'd rather have a somewhat healthy 60+ year old mother than be the adult carer for a very ill mother that isn't even 40 years old herself yet...

Newyearawaits · 23/02/2026 23:41

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 23/02/2026 22:26

I’ve told her that we’ve been trying recently and struggling, but she doesn’t really offer support just says I’m old and should have done it when I was “more fertile.

Well your mum's right. What sort of 'support' do you think she should be offering? Don't tell me you didn't know that a woman's fertility drops off a cliff after 35? Why you'd choose for no good reason that I can see, to wait another four years after having your first child, I simply do not understand.

You say you are struggling already, so now you've got to decide how long you give it before you commit to IVF, so that probably wastes another year. Then the time it takes to do 'a few rounds' of IVF, because the likelihood of it working first time is only about 25%. IVF is is stressful and can be downright mentally and physically traumatic, not to mention expensive. So that's probably another six to eight months gone, and it will put enormous pressure on your relationship.

Then, if it works, you'll be recommended to have an amniocentis due to your age. That carries a 1 in 100 chance of miscarriage of the baby you just spent so much time and money trying to conceive. And if you don't miscarry because of the amnio, you have a 1 in 100 chance of the baby having Down Syndrome, rising to 1 in 50 at 43 and 1 in 30 once you are 45. So then you'll be invited to have a termination for medical reasons, if you so choose.

And then what? Do you start the whole process again?

If the pregnancy goes ahead with no issues, then congratulations, you will have a baby with a 40-50% higher chance of being autistic because of you and your husband's age.

All so you could squeeze in a few more holidays and take your own sweet time, even though you found your man 18 years ago. Selfish? Maybe. Stupid? Definitely. I hope it was worth it.

Edited

Wow, what a super critical, insensitive post

ProfessionalPirate · 23/02/2026 23:40

NewPersonHere · 23/02/2026 23:27

You’re healthy and active, so I think the thing that would hold me back is the risk of having twins! No harm in trying for a few years and seeing what happens. Not sure I’d do IVF as it sounds quite stressful and unhealthy for the woman, but I wouldn’t judge someone for going through it.

The more important factor I think is extended family and close friends. Since your parents are presumably older, will there be plenty of support for you and your children in your community, and will your children have enough adults around them who are fit and active enough to engage and also willing to do activities and days out.

Most parents I know get by just fine without any significant support from grandparents, mainly due to geographical distance. It’s lovely to have but I don’t think it’s an essential consideration.

flaxensunshine · 23/02/2026 23:39

My mum was 35 when she had me, so not the same I guess but. I Was born in 1978, she was the oldest mum in the playground. I am ashamed to say I was embarrassed because sadly I lost her a few years ago, she was 78.
i had my first baby at 20, he had a baby at 19 (none of this was ideal of course) but I am now 47 with 2 grown up children and 3 grandchildren,
yes I think you are selfish, you risk all kinds of complications, not to mention leaving your children and never seeing grandchildren!!
Children are not a burden and you could have had them and travelled, we take ours away all the time even as adults!
if I were you I would concentrate on the healthy child you have.

HalfMoon34 · 23/02/2026 23:37

I don’t think you’ve been particularly selfish, maybe not that thought-out but that’s it. My biggest issue with your choice would be it ultimately means you get less time in this world with your lovely children. Obviously no time is guaranteed, but I’d hope to see my children grow up and lead happy adult lives, and the chances of that reduce the older you decide to have them. My grandma was 44 when she had my dad and although she lived to her eighties, she died when my dad was only 38 and her grandkids were all under 7. I just always felt it was sad she didn’t have more time with us.

Newyearawaits · 23/02/2026 23:35

BlackRowan · 23/02/2026 22:13

Omg looks like the thread is filled with bunch of losers who had kids in their 20ies and probably work in easy ‘mumsy’ jobs (if at all). Don’t listen to them.

What a rude, judgemental post.

mumwithallthebooks · 23/02/2026 23:32

I've just turned 40 and pregnant with our second child. Our first is turning five. I'd have loved to have the second sooner but it wasn't to be. We don't have the energy we did in our 20s but equally if we had been blessed with kids then, we wouldn't have had the maturity, mental health and stability we do now. Swings and roundabouts!

NewPersonHere · 23/02/2026 23:27

You’re healthy and active, so I think the thing that would hold me back is the risk of having twins! No harm in trying for a few years and seeing what happens. Not sure I’d do IVF as it sounds quite stressful and unhealthy for the woman, but I wouldn’t judge someone for going through it.

The more important factor I think is extended family and close friends. Since your parents are presumably older, will there be plenty of support for you and your children in your community, and will your children have enough adults around them who are fit and active enough to engage and also willing to do activities and days out.

BeMintBiscuit · 23/02/2026 23:25

MyTaupeSwan · 23/02/2026 18:14

I’m 40 this year and my husband is 42 We have a son who just turned 4 and started school in September, and now we feel ready for another child. We left things quite late in terms of having kids we’ve been together 18 years, and in that time we’ve had a lot of fun, traveled, and done everything we could while we had the chance and without too many worries.

Now that we’ve finally settled down, we got married 9 years ago. We were one of those couples that were engaged for a few years not because we didn’t want to get married or weren’t sure, but because we wanted to experience other things before having a wedding. We did couples counseling to make sure we were a good match, both for parenting and for marriage. I was worried about repeating my mum’s mistakes, so I did individual counselling as well.

We’ve always wanted children, but we wanted to have our freedom and experiences first, because having a child is such a big commitment. We’ve faced a lot of judgment, mainly from my family, but we feel ready now. I think we’re great parents even though it’s only been four years, the journey has just begun. Our son is the light of our lives, and we really enjoy being parents.

I’m glad we got to do all the things we wanted before having children, but I do feel judged sometimes. My mum thinks I was selfish for not having kids in my late 20s. I’ve told her that we’ve been trying recently and struggling, but she doesn’t really offer support just says I’m old and should have done it when I was “more fertile.”

My husband and I have had a lot of conversations about this. We’ve decided that if trying naturally doesn’t work, we’ll try a few rounds of IVF, and if that doesn’t succeed, we’ll continue living our lives. We’re lucky to have our son, and he is incredibly loved.

Is 40 too late and are we being selfish.
Seeing my brothers and sister with all their children and their children having siblings, I want that for our son. Maybe I should have spent my 20s having children and we wouldn’t have this issue

I've read all your posts and you come across as wonderful parents! I had the opposite experience and had children in early to mid 20s and now have my eldest about to turn 20 this year and I'm going to be 43. We've grown up with ours and had many struggles but now love being younger parents whilst their teens and getting a 2nd wind for career and travel. But each age has pros and cons. My siblings were late 30s/40 when they had kids.

I think what I would think further on is later down the line. Menopause and children with larger age gaps is going to be a tricky combo! If you're 50 and going through menopause juggling a 9/10 year old at primary school with very different interests, needs and demands to a teenage boy at secondary when there's lots of hormones circling around!

One question I do have that I don't think you've answered (sorry if you have!) - I understand waiting until when you had your son, but there's a big difference fertility wise from mid to late thirties in comparison to early forties. Why did you leave it so long after your son? A 2-3 year age gap would have made it a lot easier bringing them up together and you would have been late 30s and a little more manageable / less risk?

Original poster

MyTaupeSwan · 23/02/2026 23:23

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 23/02/2026 22:26

I’ve told her that we’ve been trying recently and struggling, but she doesn’t really offer support just says I’m old and should have done it when I was “more fertile.

Well your mum's right. What sort of 'support' do you think she should be offering? Don't tell me you didn't know that a woman's fertility drops off a cliff after 35? Why you'd choose for no good reason that I can see, to wait another four years after having your first child, I simply do not understand.

You say you are struggling already, so now you've got to decide how long you give it before you commit to IVF, so that probably wastes another year. Then the time it takes to do 'a few rounds' of IVF, because the likelihood of it working first time is only about 25%. IVF is is stressful and can be downright mentally and physically traumatic, not to mention expensive. So that's probably another six to eight months gone, and it will put enormous pressure on your relationship.

Then, if it works, you'll be recommended to have an amniocentis due to your age. That carries a 1 in 100 chance of miscarriage of the baby you just spent so much time and money trying to conceive. And if you don't miscarry because of the amnio, you have a 1 in 100 chance of the baby having Down Syndrome, rising to 1 in 50 at 43 and 1 in 30 once you are 45. So then you'll be invited to have a termination for medical reasons, if you so choose.

And then what? Do you start the whole process again?

If the pregnancy goes ahead with no issues, then congratulations, you will have a baby with a 40-50% higher chance of being autistic because of you and your husband's age.

All so you could squeeze in a few more holidays and take your own sweet time, even though you found your man 18 years ago. Selfish? Maybe. Stupid? Definitely. I hope it was worth it.

Edited

I think this is quite a negative post but I appreciate the insight. I didn’t post this to get these sorts of replies I’m not expecting sympathy. This post has made me realise that my reality is skewed I guess I don’t have any friends that had their children before 30. Of my close friends from boarding school there’s 6 of us and one had a child at 32 the rest have had their firsts later, 3 of us had our firsts around the same time give or take a year difference.

My husband and I would like to have another child there’s no crime in that. We have had tests etc we have consulted professionals and not one has batted an eye at me wanting another child at 40. We have just started trying a few weeks in so I’m hopeful based on the results we’ve received regarding our health etc but I also know that it might not happen.

OP posts:

FloofBunny · 23/02/2026 23:22

I'm not sure how the reasonable/unreasonable vote is meant to work in your post, but I'd say you're unreasonable to think that 40 is too late for a second and to worry about what others think.

40 is absolutely FINE!

I'd forget about other people and focus on how you're going to conceive. If you've been having well-timed sex for six months with no result, I would see a doctor without delay.

Best of luck!!!

OttilieKnackered · 23/02/2026 23:14

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 23/02/2026 22:26

I’ve told her that we’ve been trying recently and struggling, but she doesn’t really offer support just says I’m old and should have done it when I was “more fertile.

Well your mum's right. What sort of 'support' do you think she should be offering? Don't tell me you didn't know that a woman's fertility drops off a cliff after 35? Why you'd choose for no good reason that I can see, to wait another four years after having your first child, I simply do not understand.

You say you are struggling already, so now you've got to decide how long you give it before you commit to IVF, so that probably wastes another year. Then the time it takes to do 'a few rounds' of IVF, because the likelihood of it working first time is only about 25%. IVF is is stressful and can be downright mentally and physically traumatic, not to mention expensive. So that's probably another six to eight months gone, and it will put enormous pressure on your relationship.

Then, if it works, you'll be recommended to have an amniocentis due to your age. That carries a 1 in 100 chance of miscarriage of the baby you just spent so much time and money trying to conceive. And if you don't miscarry because of the amnio, you have a 1 in 100 chance of the baby having Down Syndrome, rising to 1 in 50 at 43 and 1 in 30 once you are 45. So then you'll be invited to have a termination for medical reasons, if you so choose.

And then what? Do you start the whole process again?

If the pregnancy goes ahead with no issues, then congratulations, you will have a baby with a 40-50% higher chance of being autistic because of you and your husband's age.

All so you could squeeze in a few more holidays and take your own sweet time, even though you found your man 18 years ago. Selfish? Maybe. Stupid? Definitely. I hope it was worth it.

Edited

What an unnecessarily negative and mean spirited post.

You do know the risk of miscarriage is 1/4 pregnancies? So 1/100 for amnio is not high. Risk of complications a bit higher but still very unlikely.

People have babies in far far worse situations than a doting set of parents with plenty of financial means and life experience.

Poverty, insecure housing, mental health issues, domestic abuse, overcrowding, chaotic, toxic relationships.

Is anyone’s situation ideal? Very few I would think.

Existentialistic · 23/02/2026 23:10

OP - do what’s best for you and what you and your DH want to do. I think older parents often make better and more patient parents (I say this as someone who had children relatively young). As you point out, you’ve lived your life and are much better off financially than you would have been 20 years ago. Ignore the naysayers and go with your gut. Good luck. 😊

theleafandnotthetree · 23/02/2026 23:07

cocog · 23/02/2026 20:33

Absolutely not, you sound like a family that any child would be lucky to have.

Well the OP certainly gives a great welcome to herself alright

ProfessionalPirate · 23/02/2026 23:06

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 23/02/2026 22:26

I’ve told her that we’ve been trying recently and struggling, but she doesn’t really offer support just says I’m old and should have done it when I was “more fertile.

Well your mum's right. What sort of 'support' do you think she should be offering? Don't tell me you didn't know that a woman's fertility drops off a cliff after 35? Why you'd choose for no good reason that I can see, to wait another four years after having your first child, I simply do not understand.

You say you are struggling already, so now you've got to decide how long you give it before you commit to IVF, so that probably wastes another year. Then the time it takes to do 'a few rounds' of IVF, because the likelihood of it working first time is only about 25%. IVF is is stressful and can be downright mentally and physically traumatic, not to mention expensive. So that's probably another six to eight months gone, and it will put enormous pressure on your relationship.

Then, if it works, you'll be recommended to have an amniocentis due to your age. That carries a 1 in 100 chance of miscarriage of the baby you just spent so much time and money trying to conceive. And if you don't miscarry because of the amnio, you have a 1 in 100 chance of the baby having Down Syndrome, rising to 1 in 50 at 43 and 1 in 30 once you are 45. So then you'll be invited to have a termination for medical reasons, if you so choose.

And then what? Do you start the whole process again?

If the pregnancy goes ahead with no issues, then congratulations, you will have a baby with a 40-50% higher chance of being autistic because of you and your husband's age.

All so you could squeeze in a few more holidays and take your own sweet time, even though you found your man 18 years ago. Selfish? Maybe. Stupid? Definitely. I hope it was worth it.

Edited

Just to offer some balance -

If OP signed up to IVF straight away, she could potentially have embryos available within a couple of months. The chance of success for each embryo transfer is as you say, but all being well there will be several embryos on ice from that first round and they don’t age - ie OP will still be using 39/40 year old egg embryos even if it takes her a while to get through them.

Personally I didn’t find IVF a strain on my relationship, or my body.

Amniocentesis won’t be automatically recommended just because of her age, not in the UK.

A 1/100 risk of Downs syndrome is still low and acceptable to many parents, and not everyone would automatically terminate.

Making out the 40-50% increase in risk of ASD is a classic in obscuring medical stats, but 50% of a low risk is still a low risk. The absolute risk rises from 1/100 to less than 2/100.

In other words, the vast majority of babies conceived at maternal age 40 and carried to term will be born healthy.

freakingscared · 23/02/2026 22:53

Hiptothisjive · 23/02/2026 19:14

I learned something new today. Elderly is now 45-50. 😂

I also don’t think the death rate for a 58 year old is that high.

Come on, I think your exaggeration to make a point is slightly comical.

Show quote history

Right ? Are people for real

ThatMrsM · 23/02/2026 22:52

I think it's fine to try now and hopefully you could get pregnant naturally in a year or so. I'm a bit confused as you've said you've 'just' starting trying to conceive but also struggling, so perhaps it's too soon to be worried? How quickly would you be hoping to get pregnant before trying IVF?

Personally I wouldn't do IVF. What would concern me is the success rates in women over 40 are too low considering it can be a difficult and potentially traumatic process. It might also affect what sounds like a lovely life you have with your son.