For not letting dd hang out with this girl

I'd be more concerned by social media than a depressing friend at the age of 12 OP

As someone who works with this age group, instagram cannot be monitored effectively to ensure its 'safe'. An account I use recently seemed to have been hacked and lots of porn circulated on it. There's loads of explicit, sexualised, self harm or depressive material available on Instagram and they are notoriously bad at dealing with any reports. So all of that is quite literally at your child's finger tips and you will have no clue what she's looked at, only some of what she's engaged with.

As for the other girl, I think you need to let her learn her lessons when it comes to friends. You be sure to give her an 'out'. Around this age it becomes less about controlling them/ managing them, but trusting them and trying to make sure you are creating the right encouragement for them to feel safe and able to come to you when things inevitably do go a bit wrong. Because at least if you know you can deal with it.

She's 12 !

I’m stunned that your dd hearing a friend being rude to a teacher is more important than a child sharing images of self-harm online.

Of course it's obvious.

But you were concentrating there on the swearing and backchat only.

Completely ignoring the far more important issue.

Report to the school and to the relevant social media company. Have a mature and sensible discussion with the dd, and offer support to the friend.

Surely that's obvious !

Don't make the same mistake over a bit of swearing & back chat.

And the self-harming?

My dm tried the same in the 80s. I spent 7 years low contact with her, the friend is still my best friend 40 years later.

You can't dictate people's friends and you shouldn't try. I regarded my dm as bigoted, ignorant & narrow minded.

Don't make the same mistake over a bit of swearing & back chat.

Pictures of self harming? I assume you have spoken to school about a child posting such images. It’s a huge safeguarding concern.

Unbelievable that this is added so flippantly. Report to Meta, report to the school, delete your daughter’s account, and have a very serious chat to her about why and whether her friend is okay and what she should do should this happen in future.

Hope this poor girl is ok, we are really failing our children.

It may be out of your hands soon as if the ban comes in - no social media for the under 16s.
Having said that, if I had said to my mother - well everyone else does it, as you have stated, she would have said, and if they all put their head in the oven, would you do it as well? I also think you are being very naive to think 'it should be safe'. It is certainly not safe. Even if you police it , they always get around things. Slippery little feckers, kids!

So as a parent of children who are only 6 and 7 I guess it might be easy for me to say but I don’t think you can dictate who they are friends with at school. I might advise them to stay away from certain children that hit out etc but I wouldn’t try to stop them, it’s their choice. I also think the more you try to stop it the more appealing it becomes to them. You just have to trust in your child and deal with the fall out of it goes wrong I suppose. They have to learn for themselves to a certain extent.

Don't try to stop the friendship just be very open with your Daughter & say that if her behaviour changes or this girl is starting to influence her in a negative way things may have to change regarding coming off SM or not being allowed to go out with her on her own etc. explain you trust she makes the right choices & that you'd like to get to know this girl a bit better so invite her home sometime. It might be that your Daughter gets tired of this girl if she's trouble & it'll fizzle out naturally. At the moment it's a novelty having an outgoing, outspoken new friend so let it be for now but keep an eye on it.

When my dd started high school there was a similar girl, lots of swearing, talk about sex and, I found out, looking at inappropriate content online. I told my daughter what our family expectations were, the girl was allowed to our house but they had to stay in the downstairs rooms, and no swearing. I was really wanting to ban her from seeing this girl but thankfully it played out and they don’t speak to each other any more.
The first year of high school is so hard as they all adjust to the bigger group and look around for anyone who they could be friends with. Once they feel more comfortable they can start to relax and join their own circles.

My mum never liked my best friends, either in primary school or in high school. Looking back, I was drawn to quite dominant, opinionated, controlling types - very much like my mum! I'd just take an interest in how the friendship develops and be a sounding board. If she's as bad as you say, at some point your DD will probably be uncomfortable with something she says or does and if she tells you about it, you have an opportunity to help her reflect on the friendship and whether it's good for her. If you're controlling about it now, she'll stop telling you anything about anything.

Kindly, you have to allow her more independence.

YABVU allowing her to have social media at 12.

And you are still letting your daughter stay on social media after seeing these posts!? This is exactly why 12 year olds should not be on SM .

Why is your daughter on social media at 12 years old ?

Get your “naive” and “easily influenced” child off of social media for starters…

The posts on SM are pictures of self harming and really negative captions.

Bit of a drip that, wasn't it?

See, most people would've opened with that line.

I get why you don't want your DD being friends with this girl, but you are not going to achieve anything by telling her who she can and can't be friends with. My mum told me I wasn't allowed to be friends with one of my friends, wasn't allowed to speak to her at school, meet up with her outside school, speak to her on the phone. I did it all behind my mum's back, it didn't stop the friendship she disapproved on, it stopped me feeling able to be honest with my mum.

Edit to say to report the self harming content to the school safeguarding team.

Then i’d be deleting instagram if your DD refuses to delete this friend. You do not want her subjected to this kind of content.

Op, my sister had a friend like this 30 years ago. I can still hear the arguments between my mum and my darling sister. The girl in question was no good, a bad influence etc according to my mum. My sister even went away to boarding school and the girls stayed in touch. Nothing untoward happened. The girl got pregnant at 16, multiple kids different dads etc and is a single mum. I moved abroad and as they were younger didn’t really notice them but knew the friendship sent my mum into overdrive! My sister got married in our home country last year and her friend was there! In fact, the wedding cake (very fancy) was gifted by said friend who runs a cake business. Does lessons etc. I had a chat with her and really chuckled at her recount of my mother’s hysteria! I think the friendship survived just to spite mummy. I guess what I am saying she wasn’t that bad at all. Sister went on to live her life with no issues despite her chaotic friendship with a girl who turned out to be ok in the end….

How are you seeing online classes? Surely they are not happening outside of school hours? Does the school know that you are watching?

You should be reporting the self harming posts to the school as a safe guarding issue.