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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU re comment made by my teen

37 replies

powersthatbe · 22/02/2026 18:55

Name changed for this post.

I moved in with DH yrs ago to a house he already owned.
i sold my flat and profit went twds what became a joint mortgage and i went on deeds and then we married. Over the yrs i have put bonuses towards the mortgage and paid for a significant extension. I made salary and pension sacrifices for 10 yrs raising the DC and working PT but am now back working FT. Continued contributing twds household in all that time.

A huge bone of contention over the yrs is that DH endlessly makes me feel like its not my house. He thinks its hilarious to tell people he “rescued” me from a tiny flat and in any serious argument tells me i must leave, reasoning its “his” house. We have had serious relationship issues for a few yrs and I have told him that the issue of the house being “his” is a deal breaker. I actually hate our home because of the narrative he has spun over the yrs and have told him if he doesnt stop and work out why he continues to think its only his, then we are done.

For my AIBU - today i was jesting with my 13yo DS…mucking around/play fighting and at one point I joked “get outta my house”. He replied “Its not your house. DF paid for this house”. Then made eye contact with his DF who was at the other end of the room. I was crushed. DH said nothing to correct or challenge him. I made my anger very clear but left the room to avoid escalating as younger DC was around.

I am gutted beyond belief. I have spent yrs focussing efforts on raising an emotionally intelligent boy and trying to protect him against what is the fallout of generations of my DHs family being sent to boarding school at age 8 and my FIL who is an absolute misogynist.

I want to read the riot act, call DH out, haul DC over the coals for this comment. DC knows he is wrong but said he didnt mean it. I told him the very fact it left his mouth is the prblem.

AIBU to tell DH he has to sit down with DC and I and do the explaining as to why what DC said is wrong, to correct him that i also own our home and that that sort of attitude and disrespect towards DM will not be tolerated?

Or do i just LTB DH at this stage?

So as not to dripfeed - DH and I have had recent crisis talks and i did see some hope and change on his side , but after today just feel
deflated and cant face raising the DC around him.

OP posts:
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Tacohill · 22/02/2026 21:24

sprigatito · 22/02/2026 20:18

You can’t raise an emotionally intelligent boy with a healthy attitude towards women while you’re modelling the complete opposite by staying married to an overt misogynist. It can’t be done. Your H’s values are poisoning your child’s mind.

Absolutely this!!

Its really frustrating that OP has seemingly put up with it for years and then even a child repeats it, she wants to punish him.

Of course he’s not going to grow up respecting women when he’s being taught not to every day.

Actions speak louder than words.
You can tell him what to do until you’re blue in the face but until he has that behaviour modelled then your words are meaningless.

wrongthinker · 22/02/2026 21:02

Divorce. Half the house is yours.

Your husband sounds like an arsehole. But your son is only parroting what he's heard. I wouldn't make such a big deal out of it right now. He's apologised and said he's knows he was wrong. Be wary of going nuclear on your son as the 'easy' option rather than taking on your husband.

missmollygreen · 22/02/2026 21:00

blubberyboo · 22/02/2026 19:00

Tell your son and husband that they will soon know who owns the house when it becomes the focus of the divorce settlement.

You cant help your DH but there is time to try to instill respect for women into your son.

Threatening your 13 year old son with a divorce.... and the parent of the year award goes to....

NinaGeiger · 22/02/2026 20:34

Just for a comparison, I had a boyfriend who owned his house and I moved in for a couple of years and paid him rent.
He never said anything like this or made me feel like it was less my home than his.

abracadabra1980 · 22/02/2026 20:34

Floatingdownriver · 22/02/2026 19:11

I’m so sorry OP but this is what happens when women live with awful men. Their sons become awful men. Role models are the most powerful influencer on a child. I hope you can leave and try to help you kid.

This.

Avocadabra · 22/02/2026 20:25

*gone beyond a joke to elevate his ego

Pearlstillsinging · 22/02/2026 20:22

Tbh, I think you were not very sensible to say what you did to.your son, you opened the door to the answer that you got, knowing that it's been a bone of contention for years. However, I think your best way forward is to get legal advice about where you would stand in a divorce.

whoTFismadelaine · 22/02/2026 20:21

MidWayThruJanuary · 22/02/2026 20:17

I would begin by explaining the costs of having a chef, cleaner, gardener, laundrette/dry cleaner, PA and explain you have worked all of these free for the family for years.
That is not fair to put that on a 13 year old. That is part and parcel of being a parent.

I wasn't suggesting just saying that to the 13 yo but to the family all together. Why this hasn't been explained when this arose by the husband is part of the problem. Children not understanding the sacrifices made for them often create entitlement. The fact is in many relationships women give up far more than men for their family, which should be explained to kids, especially boys watching Andrew Tate.

Endofyear · 22/02/2026 20:18

Don't be angry with your son - he's just parroting what he's obviously heard from your husband. You can insist that your husband tells him that you have contributed equally but really, it sounds like you've reached the end of the road in your marriage. Get a lawyer and sell the house and take your half.

Avocadabra · 22/02/2026 20:18

How disrespectful, cruel and assuming of
your husband. It’s fine beyond a joke to elevate his ego. I’d tell him I’m off to find someone who values me. And mean it.

sprigatito · 22/02/2026 20:18

You can’t raise an emotionally intelligent boy with a healthy attitude towards women while you’re modelling the complete opposite by staying married to an overt misogynist. It can’t be done. Your H’s values are poisoning your child’s mind.

MidWayThruJanuary · 22/02/2026 20:17

I would begin by explaining the costs of having a chef, cleaner, gardener, laundrette/dry cleaner, PA and explain you have worked all of these free for the family for years.
That is not fair to put that on a 13 year old. That is part and parcel of being a parent.

whoTFismadelaine · 22/02/2026 20:15

I don't think I would trust him to explain it - it seems he has already told your DS that version. Why do you think leaving them to discuss it further would sort the issue out? You know you need to firm this up yourself with all of them. I would begin by explaining the costs of having a chef, cleaner, gardener, laundrette/dry cleaner, PA and explain you have worked all of these free for the family for years.

blackpooolrock · 22/02/2026 20:11

You should have given your DH both barrels and corrected your teen - why wouldn't you correct them? So what if someone is coming by... they need told.

I expect your younger DC think the same as your teen so them staying is fine.

Why wait to sit down and explain? just do it when its convenient.

MidWayThruJanuary · 22/02/2026 20:11

I have already reassured him this eveing that his apology is accepted but that he crossed a boundary and a follow up chat is needed.
What poison has his father dripped into his mind?

Original poster
powersthatbe · 22/02/2026 20:09

MidWayThruJanuary · 22/02/2026 20:00

I feel sorry for your 13 year old in the middle of this shit show between his parents.

Yes, hence I am here seeking advice. As another poster has said, I dont want him to think any potential split is connected to what he said. But my own parents split up in my teens so I am
aware what tricky ground I am on. DS is front and centre of my mind. I have already reassured him this eveing that his apology is accepted but that he crossed a boundary and a follow up chat is needed.

OP posts:
Original poster
powersthatbe · 22/02/2026 20:00

@canklesmctacotits you are spot on. I have tried to get him to go to counselling and he point blank refuses. I think I need to accept it is over.

OP posts:
MidWayThruJanuary · 22/02/2026 20:00

I feel sorry for your 13 year old in the middle of this shit show between his parents.

Brightbluesomething · 22/02/2026 19:58

If you’ve had crisis talks and he knows this upsets you and still does it then of course you should leave.
Your DS is repeating what he’s heard so he has been exposed to this.
However from your DS’s POV if he says this and his parents immediately split up he’s going to think it’s his fault.
It’s not, it’s your DH’s so make sure your son knows this or you’ll be leaving him with all sorts of complicated feelings of guilt that he’s too young to properly process. It’s not a reason to stay but you need to communicate with your DS.

canklesmctacotits · 22/02/2026 19:41

You sound more vested in your DH accepting and acknowledging the truth, than the truth itself.

He won’t do this. If he hasn’t done it yet, he won’t ever do it. It’s about how he sees himself: bigger than you, better than you, your superior.

Don’t waste your breath or your time. He’s a stunted man. You can’t win with one of these because his problems are much, much bigger than his relationship with you. They’re so big they define him. You can’t change that.

Original poster
powersthatbe · 22/02/2026 19:30

Nimblethimble · 22/02/2026 19:04

I would have said something at the time and every single time it was / is mentioned.

I think your reaction just supported your son's pov.

I have in the past. Every. Single. Time. I have an email on record of me asking him to stop with that narrative because words apparently werent enough.

I held back today as family were about to arrive and didnt want a 3-way argument with t both or in front of younger DC.

OP posts:
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 22/02/2026 19:29

powersthatbe · 22/02/2026 19:27

And DH is well aware of the numbers. When we had crisis talks recently i gave him the figures behind my contribution and asked him to explain why he thought i had brought nothing to the home.

I agree I need to see a lawyer.

And yet he clearly still thinks of it as his house.

I think this would be a LTB for me. You may have had the talks but his reaction to your DS said it all. He still believes he owns the house solely.

Original poster
powersthatbe · 22/02/2026 19:27

And DH is well aware of the numbers. When we had crisis talks recently i gave him the figures behind my contribution and asked him to explain why he thought i had brought nothing to the home.

I agree I need to see a lawyer.

OP posts:
Original poster
powersthatbe · 22/02/2026 19:23

I want my DH to do the talking as he needs to say it out loud and DS needs to hear it from him.

I hadnt thought DS had been exposed to this. The comments are (i believed) always to me when kids arent around. I am shocked at the possibility he has been saying this directly to DS. DS is ordinarily a respectful kid.

OP posts:
canklesmctacotits · 22/02/2026 19:14

You don’t need your husband to tell your son this. You can tell him yourself. Pull out the paperwork. Add up the numbers. Stick to facts.

Once you’ve done that, start divorce proceedings. How can you allow yourself to be so submissive to someone so dismissive?