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Original poster

Paying child support for a 22yr old

259 replies

Evilstepmum81 · 22/02/2026 18:35

Need some advice about my stepchild, as I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not. They are 22, not working (have never worked) but also not on benefits (yet), they didn’t finish school and now say they are too disabled to work and signing on the dole etc is “embarrassing”. They are able to socialize and take care of themselves etc and spend all day on their computer playing games and doing social media stuff so they are not incapacitated or incapable in any way in their day to day life. Their mother also doesn’t work and does claim benefits.

I’ve been on the scene 17 years so have been here a long time and helped or tried to help said child to get the skills needed for independence and self sufficiency. But they refuse to even try as they see their mum doing f all and getting on fine. My husband has continued paying child support even though legally he could have stopped at 18 as they are in uni or anything. It’s been nearly 4 years of extra payments in the hope this young adult gets their act together. They haven’t. And now I think the gravy train should stop and this young adult and their mother not receive child support any more.

My husband is scared of being the bad guy and his ex and child take full advantage of him. He pays them £1200 a month and he now earns a little over £46k so it’s a big chunk, which was agreed during mediation 10 years ago when he earned way more and we didn’t have our kids. He’s never changed the payments or missed any. I can’t grow his balls for him. But am I unreasonable to tell him to make arrangement to stop payments? We have 2 special needs kids ourselves now, I work full time, and could use the child support money to help pay for therapies etc instead of us having to go into debt to pay for these two adults. It’s so hard being a step parent. He’s a great dad and very supportive. And I applaud his commitment to his children. But he’s got to let this adult aged child figure stuff out for themselves now surely?

OP posts:
PollyBell · 23/02/2026 03:00

But you decided to have 2 children with him knowing he had a child before? He has every right to do what he wants for his original child

BudgetBuster · 23/02/2026 02:24

He’s a great dad and very supportive. And I applaud his commitment to his children.

This sentence is not true. He is allowing his younger children to go without much needed therapies so his ADULT child can sit on his ass.

He needs to pull the plug immediately. It's called child support... not lazy adult and ex support.

Starlight7080 · 23/02/2026 02:17

They need to claim uc. Its a silly situation and he is not doing them any favours longterm.
Plus dont uc pay national insurance credits or something like that . So they wont be getting them whist not working/claiming.
He could just say i will give you 200 a month ontop of uc .

BrokenWingsCantFly · 23/02/2026 01:59

That's a crazy amount to pay on a 46k salary. I earn more than that and couldn't afford to pay than on a mortgage, let alone a lazy ex and lazy son. Cant believe you have put up with this so long.

He is paying 1.2k to the ex for his 1 child, but hasn't got enough to contribute that amount per child for your life together.

He is not being a good dad promiting this lifestyle for them, he is giving them positive reinforcement for their idle ways, while being a totally shit dad to your DC taking money from the family pot he can't afford to give away for a 22 year old. My guess is that he must have some sort of underlying guilt for leaving which is making him go way above and beyond. He needs to get over that, maybe the money be better spent on therapy for him and his son

Elishiva · 23/02/2026 01:27

Of course this “child” doesn’t work, they are being handed on a plate the equivalent of a 30 hour a week job for doing nothing other than lamenting being born.
Put your foot down now.
He and the mother are disabling this young person by their actions and enabling them to doss about and waste the life they didn’t ask for but need to live.
youve got your own children to think about.
This needs to end now.

ImmortalSnowman · 23/02/2026 01:08

Evilstepmum81 · 22/02/2026 19:03

Our own dc are disabled due to birth related issues. His adult child has no formally diagnosed disabilities other than “anxiety and depression” and are on Prozac but says they are unable to work as it’s “too stressful” and “they didn’t ask to be born” so therefore they don’t think they have to stress themselves out and work like an actual adult. Their mum says they aren’t entitled to PIP. She herself claims UC though but I’m not entirely sure what else, she is active, smoker, social etc and doesn’t have any outward signs of an inability to work. They just don’t HAVE to as they get the child support (which is purely child support and not spousal maintenance.) In all honesty I cannot talk to my husband about any of this as it riles me up that this adult child and his ex feel so entitled and we have to foot the bill and he doesn’t have the balls to stop funding them. I’m not sure if it’s a deal breaker for me but it’s certainly a huge stressor for me.

Tell him you will divorce him and can pay maintenance for your two children at £1800 a month if he doesn't stop. And mean it.

plasbks · 23/02/2026 01:03

Jamesblonde2 · 22/02/2026 23:03

Bollocks. Insist he stops the payment OP.

Show quote history

bollocks to you as well
not quite sure what else to say as you didn’t actually include any reasoning in your lovely post.

parenting doesn’t end at 18. This person needs help from the father. Whether that is financial, otherwise or both, help is needed.

BruFord · 23/02/2026 00:34

Supporting his child as they transition into adulthood is reasonable, but continuing to pay “child” support of £1200 indefinitely while a young adult lounges around is ridiculous.

As others have suggested, a gradual tapering down might be the best approach so that his son has time to apply for and receive any benefits he’s entitled to, and look into training/job opportunities.

I think your DH needs to give a firm timeline so they have an incentive to make the changes. Otherwise he could be in the same situation in 12 months.

Talkingfrog · 22/02/2026 23:59

YANBU
He may fee, he is supporting/doing the best by his son, but he isn't. He is encouraging him to spend all day not doing anything to support or better himself. That isn't the best course of action for his older son, or his younger children. If he was studying in some way, or trying to support himself, and needed something extra then maybe it would be different, but even then the amount is way more than it should be.

If he is not working he needs to make a claim for benefits. My guess is that he doesn't want to because
-dad is bankrolling him
-claiming benefits means that (unless medically he is unable to), he will be expected to apply for jobs, work on his cv etc.

-if he doesn't have any qualifications (you indicated he hadn't finished school) he may be expected to get some form of qualification. Without it, he is unlikely to get a job, unless he can show an employer that he will put some effort in, and is worth taking a chance on. Doesn't sound as if that will happen - he will way down the list in terms of candidates I would pick to employ.

On a side note - is the money that is being received by the son/mother being declared in relation to any benefit that is being claimed - my guess would that it isn't.
As someone else has said, if he isn't claiming, he won't be building up credits towards a pension. However, I doubt that is of concern to the son - he will just expect to be supported anyway.

Lots of people have to claim because circumstances change without warning. Assuming he gives him the money at the end/beginning of the month, I think he should say that the payment at the end of Feb/start of March is the last full payment. The son needs to sign on/put in a claim for benefits. Maybe allow a month at half the amount during the transition until benefit comes through, but after that he is on his own.

However, maybe he could offer support if needed for job hunting, eg new shoes/clothes etc for an interview.

If he feels guilty not supporting him, maybe be could put some money aside into a savings account for him. The son/his mum do not need to know, but it means his Dad has something there if the money is needed for a specific issue eg he gets a job and needs to buy tools etc.

If he does put money aside for his older son, he should also be putting a similar amount aside for his younger children. £100 per child per month would start building up nicely, but would be significantly less than he is paying out now, and would make a massive difference to the lifestyle you are able to give your younger children. £200 per child per month would still only be half what he is paying now, but each child would have £2400 at the end of the year.

DryadsRest · 22/02/2026 23:54

Evilstepmum81 · 22/02/2026 18:35

Need some advice about my stepchild, as I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not. They are 22, not working (have never worked) but also not on benefits (yet), they didn’t finish school and now say they are too disabled to work and signing on the dole etc is “embarrassing”. They are able to socialize and take care of themselves etc and spend all day on their computer playing games and doing social media stuff so they are not incapacitated or incapable in any way in their day to day life. Their mother also doesn’t work and does claim benefits.

I’ve been on the scene 17 years so have been here a long time and helped or tried to help said child to get the skills needed for independence and self sufficiency. But they refuse to even try as they see their mum doing f all and getting on fine. My husband has continued paying child support even though legally he could have stopped at 18 as they are in uni or anything. It’s been nearly 4 years of extra payments in the hope this young adult gets their act together. They haven’t. And now I think the gravy train should stop and this young adult and their mother not receive child support any more.

My husband is scared of being the bad guy and his ex and child take full advantage of him. He pays them £1200 a month and he now earns a little over £46k so it’s a big chunk, which was agreed during mediation 10 years ago when he earned way more and we didn’t have our kids. He’s never changed the payments or missed any. I can’t grow his balls for him. But am I unreasonable to tell him to make arrangement to stop payments? We have 2 special needs kids ourselves now, I work full time, and could use the child support money to help pay for therapies etc instead of us having to go into debt to pay for these two adults. It’s so hard being a step parent. He’s a great dad and very supportive. And I applaud his commitment to his children. But he’s got to let this adult aged child figure stuff out for themselves now surely?

Perhaps he could start with scaling it back to a grand a month - he might find it easier to reduce it over time than stop it.

Also is it OK to claim Universal credits if you have a regular income that high? Regardless of the source?

cartfred · 22/02/2026 23:27

Dealbreaker if he doesn’t stop when you ask him to tomorrow.

JudgeJ · 22/02/2026 23:25

Dave57 · 22/02/2026 18:44

thats a lot of money. Is for just the one child or spousal maintenance?

I would say to stop it by dropping it down in lumps. If they are relying on it then it gives opportunity to them to make other arrangements.

It should be stopped immediately, it would give the 'child', aka free-loader. an incentive to get off their backside and find a job. £1200 is a good 'wage' for doing nothing.

LadyCrustybread · 22/02/2026 23:21

Of course he should stop they’re a grow adult!

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 22/02/2026 23:10

This is insane. The "child" needs to either go out and get a job, or claim whatever benefits they are eligible for if they genuinely can't work. I don't think your DH is actually doing them any favours by continuing to pay maintenance.

Viviennemary · 22/02/2026 23:06

Absolutely outrageous. I think this would be a deal breaker for me.

Jamesblonde2 · 22/02/2026 23:03

plasbks · 22/02/2026 22:08

This is a very unfortunate mess. I do believe that the "child" is still your DH's responsibility because he is that person's father for life. This person is clearly rudderless in life and that as well does fall to your DH to help with. You can't just think that because someone is over 18, that they will magically get their shit together. This person is in a pickle and needs a responsible parent to help. I think you would be unreasonable to cut the money off before making a very sustained attempt to help this person onto their feet.

You also dismiss the mother as not working and on benefits - presumably there is some underlying reason for this as well. Your DH chose to have 2 more children, knowing that this particular adult child was needing a lot of extra support.

Bollocks. Insist he stops the payment OP.

plasbks · 22/02/2026 22:08

This is a very unfortunate mess. I do believe that the "child" is still your DH's responsibility because he is that person's father for life. This person is clearly rudderless in life and that as well does fall to your DH to help with. You can't just think that because someone is over 18, that they will magically get their shit together. This person is in a pickle and needs a responsible parent to help. I think you would be unreasonable to cut the money off before making a very sustained attempt to help this person onto their feet.

You also dismiss the mother as not working and on benefits - presumably there is some underlying reason for this as well. Your DH chose to have 2 more children, knowing that this particular adult child was needing a lot of extra support.

freakingscared · 22/02/2026 22:00

The reason why he won’t do anything is because his dad is banking him an almost full wage . My husband also pays child maintenance to his 19 year old as he is still studying but if he stops studying he will stop , as simple as that . There comes a time people must stand on their own 2 feet . If his mum w ate yo enable him more than she can pay for it

JohnBullshit · 22/02/2026 21:56

Seriously? Why didn't he reduce payments when his income fell to £46k ,for a start? Carrying on with them is madness. I can see why the ex doesn't argue with it.

BettyBoh · 22/02/2026 21:48

Theres so much more behind this…. I think you need to look into why the mother and son have the culture of not working. What special needs do your kids have? What disability does your stepson have? The possibility your husband and stepson are nuerodiverse is huge. I am thinking stepdaughter and ex-wife have ADHD and your husband is autistic.

Blondeshavemorefun · 22/02/2026 21:44

Over £14k wow.

no wonder they don’t want to work

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 22/02/2026 21:43

Yanbu. But…

10 years ago when he earned way more and we didn’t have our kids.
Why did he earn way more ten years ago? What happened?

Happyjoe · 22/02/2026 21:39

It's a huge chunk of money and will take away some of the incentive in the 22 year old to start getting their act together.

You guys need the money, it's a lot of the monthly wage going out. If stopping the payment makes your hubby feel bad, perhaps he could save some of it up without his child knowing and pass it on later, if they ever manage to get up and do things? Would help pay for a car or a deposit on somewhere to live.

faithfultoGeorgeMichael · 22/02/2026 21:39

WTF? Tell him to claim PIP - they will give him short shrift. I cannot believe some of the things I read here! I have not given DC any money since they were 21! Only £3000 a year 18-21 whilst at uni 😂

TheSmallAssassin · 22/02/2026 21:24

He is letting down both his younger children by doing this, and his adult child by enabling his lifestyle.

Also, the adult son might think claiming benefits is "embarrassing" but without them he won't be getting National Insurance credits towards his state pension.