Paying child support for a 22yr old

I had a very similar experience with my brother in law. My MIL doesn’t work, he adopted the same attitude. Severe ADHD was behind a lot of the issues for both of them.
autistic/aaDHD couples are surprisingly common.
both ADHD and autism are highly hereditary, hence my armchair diagnosis of the OP’s kids.

As a pragmatic suggestion - hopefully everyone involved will realise that this ends at sone point.

A way to make that transition smoother as an adjustment could be to phase it down. Stepping down by £100 a month (or £50 a month)

This really does need to stop, it is not sustainable and is totally unnecessary. He is doing the 22 yr old no favours by bank rolling him every month. What would your DH do if there was a massive change in his own circumstances, ie you stopped working, he stopped working?
DH has to cease these payments and my advice would be advise his ex and DS of his decision to reduce them gradually by one third over the next three months and then stop them completely. This gives them time to formulate a plan and for DS to start looking for alternatives

I'm surprised that this isn't a deal breaker for you.

I think it’s more about lazy fuckers doing fuck all.

Can you talk to him and persuade him to reduce the payments (now he is able to claim benefits) rather than stop altogether? That may be an easier pill to swallow

OP…time for a serious chat with your husband. This can’t go on! It’s ultimatum time now I feel.

He's paying his child a whole ass salary to do nothing. Thats madness.

Bloody hell fire!! 😂😂

How the fuck did you come up with this utter nonsense from reading the OPs post?? I seriously hope you don’t armchair diagnose people like this in the real world…you must be exhausting to be around! 🥴

He’s enabling his adult child to behave in this way. If they stopped receiving this payment, they’d be forced to get a job or sign on. I have no idea how UC works nowadays but I’d imagine they don’t just give it to any old Tom, dick and Harry so they’d have to prove they were unable to work - right? Meaning they’d also probably be forced to find a job since you acknowledge other than anxiety, there’s nothing wrong.

Also remember JSA being like £50 a week for a single person in the 00s, if it’s similar now then that really would be a drop in income. Either way, your DH is mad to still be paying so much.

Money should stop NOW.

I couldn't live like this.

He needs to sit his ex and child down and explain that neither are living in the real world.

Child needs to start looking for a job and that dh will support them with this.

Depression and anxiety actually benefit from structure and routine so for the next month they need to concentrate on forming a routine for themself... getting up and dressed at a reasonable hour, some fresh air, focused work on looking to gain maths and English qualifications, a cv or job applications and no substances (if they do use) as that impacts mental health

If that seems too much for them, dh needs to support them in going to dr and getting more support for their mental health and claiming benefits whilst in treatment, but sitting at home for the next 20 years, whilst bankrolled by their dad is not an option

The ex needs to start funding their own lifestyle and is perfectly capable of doing this, just like other adults. Dh owes them nothing and I would suggest to dh that he tapers the payments down by 20% each month over the next 5 months so that ex can sort themselves a new source of income...thats plenty of time to find a job.

If they want to then come up with a sum to support adult childs living expenses whilst they live with mum, then they can work something out but that certainly doesn't need to be in thousands.

But more importantly, the adult child needs help with purpose and direction, not be enabled to sit at home gaming and on social media all day like they are at the moment. Chucking money at them is doing them no favours and they need the real world

On a side note - is the money that is being received by the son/mother being declared in relation to any benefit that is being claimed - my guess would that it isn't.

Help them out by reporting it anonymously.

This is utter madness. I couldn't be with someone so weak. He's burying his head rather than doing the right thing to get his son on track. £1200 isn't even affordable on £46k salary, so essentially you are also funding this insanity.

This is absolutely ludicrous and gives me rage on your behalf! This would be a deal breaker for me, and how you’ve continued for 4 years like this when he has no legal requirement to provide CM any more is beyond me.
I couldn’t continue in a relationship like that as the resentment would kill everything else.

To reframe this another way, I earn the same as your DH and £46k will give roughly £3k take home each month, which works out about £150 a day based on a 5 day week. That means that at the beginning of every month your DH gets up, gets himself to work and has to graft for 8 whole working days (over a week and a half) before he starts earning ANY money for himself / your family.
8 days of working hard all day, juggling family life, being tired and stressed, commuting… to give every penny of it to people who meanwhile are sitting at home all day with no responsibilities, no commitments and no effort towards anything, enjoying as much free time as they possibly want ? Really !?!!

Hes more likely funding his ex here and shes responsible for herself as for his dc if he wants to give him something whilst he sorts himself out into a job thats fine but he needs to ensure that only the dc gets that money not the flaming ex are you sure he doesn't still have feelings for the ex op.

Wow, he needs to stop, or massively reduce. His son needs to get a job. He is slogging his guts out working whilst they sit there and get benefits and his £1200. No. He has got to find his balls and prioritise his dependant children. He can give 3 months notice if it makes him feel better, but no way should he be paying for a 22yr old, and certainly not that much. If he really wants he could give £200 towards his expenses with his mum.

He will get about £400 pm even with limited capacity to work on UC

My DH gives me less than that (and earns more than 48k) while I have given up work to retrain for 6 months. He pays all our bills but I’m also very careful with this money and use it for my travel and lunches whilst retraining. It’s an absolute joke that your DH is paying toward an adult who is doing nothing to help themselves. It should stop immediately and said adult will learn that in order to live the way you want to you need to work. Their anxiety and depression will likely improve once they have a job. He’s doing dc no favours in the long term

£1200 a month for doing fuck all? No wonder the lazy fucker won’t get their act together! If my husband was paying out that I’d be issuing ultimatums- stop giving them money or our marriage is over. And I say that as someone who has an ex who pays the bare minimum for our kids, who complains the whole time about it and as the mother of a child with significant LD who will almost definitely struggle to get and keep a job in the future.

Husband needs to tell them that next month is the last time they will get any money out of him- and mean it.

Of course it’s ridiculous and unsustainable. Ask your DH when it will change? He can’t keep ignoring this for a quiet life. You may have to be the ‘bad guy’ if he is too scared to change things. TELL him it must stop and to send the message today.

As a theoretical position, your stance isn't unreasonable but it is not your decision and you shouldn't be involved in making it.

Many 22yos are still financially dependent on their parents so as the SC is not capable of earning a living your DP should definitely be contributing something - because he obviously would be if the relationship hadn't failed. The fact that the SC has reached the age of 22 thinking they don't have to earn a living is poor parenting that your DP is equally responsible for.

If your DP posted asking for advice, I would be advising him to give a long notice period and a gradual tapering of support over the next 2 years - 6 months notice with no changes, then 25% less for the next 6 months and further reductions every 6 months till it reaches zero - unless DC returns to full time education/training/apprenticeship work in which case support returns to 100% for the duration of said training before tapering off as above.

are you a psychiatrist? How on EARTH did you work that out from the post. There is one step child, not a stepson and step daughter. There is a lazy , entitled ex wife.

@PollyBell He's the father of three children so he needs to consider what’s best for all three of them.

Right now, he’s giving his eldest child so much of his salary that he presumably can’t provide for his younger two, he’s relying on the OP to do that. Of course he can still support his eldest, but at 22, they need to be working towards independence, not relying indefinitely on their Dad. It’s not good for them in the long term.

I honestly think this is a type of abuse. Making it so that an adult child has zero incentive to adult, and actually incentivising their laziness. That’s not good for them, and certainly not doing the right thing by them.

When mine were at 22yo, they were generally finishing up uni. Until that point we ‘financed them’, given they were going to uni by giving them a monthly allowance of travel money and lunch money to the equivalent of what we would have spent on home made lunches. Where I am, it’s very rare to live away for uni unless you come from the country/remote area, otherwise most students live at home while studying. So, we finance bus/tube trip and lunch if they choose not to take stuff from home. We also gave gift cards/vouchers once a year to places they could buy decent brand jeans, tops, jackets, runners, underwear (the essentials). We also paid if laptop for uni died or whatnot, plus had their phones on our phone plans. We thought that fair while they were studying. If they wanted money for other stuff, such as going to the movies, buying extra clothes, buying computer game etc, then they had to get a job to finance such things. Because they were not little children, it was a transition to adulthood, and also recognising they could not work a full time job while attending uni full time.

I imagine if we financed them to the extent of OP’s DH, none of them would have ever got a job. Probably leave uni and sit on their backside, as why would they work for money if they were having it thrown at them for doing nothing? That’s not healthy, so it’s up to us as parents not to facilitate such nonsense.