Paying child support for a 22yr old

OP says he doesn’t qualify for PIP. If he’s getting GP treatment for anxiety and depression he won’t qualify on mental health grounds alone - he would need evidence of secondary care consultant led treatment. There’s a very high bar for stand alone MH conditions for PIP.

Clearly all your dh children have special needs.

Does your dh have communication needs as this is extreme, to say the least!

That's basically a tax free salary he's being sent every month. No wonder this lazy bastard isn't bothering his arse to find a job. It's scandalous.

There’s zero incentive for either the mother or adult child to get a job and start supporting themselves if your husband keeps funding their lives. Sometimes people need to have the choice of whether to work or not taken away from them to get anywhere in life. He/she needs to have no choice but to get a job or not be able to afford to live. I think a harsh wake-up call is the only thing that’s going to get through to him/her. And sooner rather than later, the longer he/she lives like this the more entitled and set in their ways they will become. He/she might think they’ve got a sweet deal now but the dad’s really not doing his child any favours. They’ll end up depressed and lonely with zero self-esteem from not having any life purpose or skills.

You can't really help those who won't help themselves.

They suffer from extreme lazyitis. No further analysis needed.

Lazyitis can only be cured by immediately stopping the funding.

I agree this needs to stop. It's not fair to give one child so much of his salary ans not the others. I'd tell them that child support is meant to be until 18 or full time education and he has paid 4 years over. Drop £200 a month over the next 6 months or similar (would be handy if they had a birthday in the next few months as then he could day it was 5 years of extra payments). All he is doing by carrying on is enabling them to believe that life is good when they don't work.

Thats the allowance of a millionaires child at 21. It must be more than half your dh's wages.
Outrageous and not doing them any favours.
If they cant work they need to make a genuine claim for pip and if they can then they are just a lazy scumbag if they don't want to.

Yes, but you've literally made up random children and everything in this scenario 😂

It’s absolutely ridiculous OP and should stop
immediately- you are subsidising two adults to be bone idle.

let me tell you something about MN…other people’s lived-experiences, opinions, perceptions can help people in the middle of problems they don’t how to solve. Sometimes they’re completely wrong random armchair diagnoses that they can ignore . Sometimes it’s a lightbulb moment. Nobody knows, but I thought my opinion based on lived experience with my BIL / MIL might help.

That’s insane. If I were you I’d reduce your work hours, and force your DH to stop the payments because you need the money for your own family

If they can’t claim PIP it’s likely because the depression and anxiety are being treated by medication/therapy via GP. Only those involved with 2nd line consultant led mental health services can qualify - and then it’s very difficult, they have to show a high level of impairment affecting daily life.

Sorry but £1200 a month for a grown adult who has certified themselves as unfit for work is a giant piss take. I wouldn’t be tapering anything, I’d be stopping it dead and forcing them to take responsibility for themselves. The mother sounds feckless so I would imagine once the gravy train stops, she will be more amenable to them finding work. You need to get your DH on board, because not only would the money be better spent on your own children’s extra needs, but he’s actually facilitating his own child’s fecklessness and failure to launch.

That is crazy, and he needs to stop. Unless he is wanting to pay this forever? What is going to change in the next few years? Nothing.

My DM supported my DS all his working life as he got jobs and then gave them up after a couple of weeks when he got fed up. This has gone on for years- he's in his 50s now and my DM has sadly passed away. We discovered she supported him a lot more than we knew. DB looks to my DF who will be 90 next year for money now. You dont want to into get into that situation. So stressful for my DF as DS just expects it and isn't particularly grateful for the support.

Your DH is being completely and utterly unreasonable.
He is effectively forcing his current wife to work extremely hard and no doubt increase her levels of stress a lot (full time job and caring for two DC with special needs is no picnic!) in order to fund his possibly lazy ex partner and certainly lazy adult child. He is also doing his other DC a huge dis-service. They are materially missing out because his doesn't have the balls and sense to stop this payment.
Apart from causing his family to suffer, he isn't even helping his other DC and ex. They have no pressure whatsoever to take any responsibility for themselves and neither of them have done so over many years. Sometimes tough love is the best approach and he has failed miserably to do this.

You really need to talk to him @Evilstepmum81. If he won't listen to your perspective, when you have been patient with this crazy arrangement for years, I think it's a deal breaker. He is treating you with real disdain and has no regard for your energy levels, stress levels, general well being nor the well being of your DC.

Could you point out to your DH (as calmly as you can manage) that if anything were to happen to him that money would cut off very abruptly and it might be kinder to his DC to taper it off slowly so they can made adjustments rather than have it all cease at once?

He might see the sense in that, although you might have to deal with him tapering it off by a fiver a year...

Good point . I thought I read it . Maybe not .

@Evilstepmum81 a lot of the step parent posts are un reasonable (this one isn’t ) I have had a step parent and I’ve been one.

I think this is utter madness and it would be a deal breaker for me .
He is enabling the ex and the son . There is no need .
He needs to tell son the money is stopping and he will have support in other ways but it won’t be to that amount , and only when he starts helping himself . For example towards driving lessons or a bus pass for work or a passport to go somewhere with friends (that he makes at a new job )

He has no motivation. Neither the mother or father are helping this young lad .

Well it should be a deal breaker. Time his child signs on. Isn’t it just as embarrassing living on handouts from her/his dad?!

Everyone assumes the 22 year old is a son, not daughter. Why is that?

Do you charge for your extremely random, wild and pretty irrelevant diagnoses?

Agree

OP needs to manage the husband to manage the “child” and this may be more palatable for him

It must be a worry for him, what’s to become of this 22 year old with severe MH issues! I think tough love is needed but they should have been managing and teaching this child valuable life skills from an earlier age

Of course she knew he had a (large) obligation to his eldest son... but that should never be INDEFINITE. Maintenance generally stops at 18 or when finished education, whichever comes later. The OPs stepchild is 22 and not in full time education. So it's not unreasonable that the contribution to said adult child would reduce.

He’s enabling their free life. They absolutely should both be working and not enjoying your husbands money.
in the long term he’s doing them no favours - my dh did stop full maintenance at the right time but because of the amount its taught his dd that work is options and she’s opted out

If you can’t talk to your DH about this, then you’re being a mug as much as he is. How long is he going to fund him for? And what when your children need something? You need to stand up for them as much as anything.