Paying child support for a 22yr old

12 months, even that's too generous, drop them a note saying it's stopping in 3 months,

Month 1 - £1200
Month 2 - £600
Month 3 - £300

OP - this is nearly half of his take-home pay!

How comes he’s had such a drastic change in salary, if this used to be affordable?

This is absolutely wild. I would’ve stopped the day he left school and refused to get a job. Sure leave school but you bet you’ll be working to support yourself. Or choose uni and I’d happily support a little alongside them working a PT job. For me, this would be a deal breaker. Your husband choosing to support his grown son and ex partner all these years later when they don’t get off their arse, instead of using that money to support your joint actual children.. a big nope!

I think you’re being shat on here, @op
This is ridiculous. It needs to end.

OP you have to point out that you HAVE to work full time with 2 disabled children, and because he gives his ex wife so much she doesn't have to work to support her adult son, how is that fair? He's depriving his disabled young children to support his ex wife's lifestyle, your 22 year old son doesn't need child support, he's not a child.

He can give support to his adult son but it is fine to add pre-condition and a timeline of when the support will end.

As someone who has struggled with mental health, anxiety and depression since my teens, and from a single parent household, I have always worked. It can be hard at times but whenever I've had brief periods of unemployment (never longer than a couple of months) in my early 20s after uni I felt aimless, useless and my self worth eroded. What your DSS is being enabled to do, by not working and just playing computer games all day, is detrimental to his mental health and he'll end up in a pit he can never get out of. He obviously has barriers because of his mental health, but they are not insurmountable, but in time they may be if he's in his 40s still living with Mum playing games.

It would be better if your husband put aside that £1200 a month, or some of it to help your son fly the nest. Or at least have some strings attached for the money, so he must be in education, training, work (or even therapy). Basically, son I will be stopping the payments soon, however if you want me to continue payments in the interim, you need to be moving towards independence and then give your DSS some structure of what is going to happen and the preconditions that will be attached to the support going forward. It will help him in the long run. Xx

Good luck OP.

OP I think you need to frame it as actually your DP is being a bad dad to step son. While he’s funding him to be at home, Step son doesn’t have to face up to making adult choices. Point out of step son was receiving benefits, his NI contribution would count for that year, every year your DP enables his older child not to work or claim benefits, is another year less on DSS’s contributions and increases the risk he won’t be able to claim a full pension as a pensioner. Because DSS isn’t claiming benefits, he’s not in the system to get help or support to work. Keep saying it’s not that your DP is taking from his dcs with you, you are judging him as a crap dad to DSS by failing to force him to face up to the situation.

Is he paying this to his ex into her account coz surely if she’s claiming UC they are doing checks now and want bank statements , they are not going to believe that she’s getting £1200 a month extra for a 22 year old ! You might find she will want it in cash soon as it’s going to affect her own benefits if it’s going into her account. . It needs to stop and this adult child needs to get into the real world ! The ex must be laughing at your dh.

adding to say sorry I didn’t read pp replies.

If the money is classed as a gift and not income as long as their savings are not over 6k it’s unlikely to be classed as benefit fraud for people saying report.

There is assisting and then there is spoon feeding a person so they remain like an infant.

The adult DC needs to sign on to UC and look for jobs. He would do more good by helping DC write a CV and look for a job.

It’s madness and you all know it. I’d say tell the ‘child’ and his mother now that the last payment will be May - give them time to put into place an application for benefits or attempt to find work.

if the money is paid to his mother stop now. If it is paid to the son you must negotiate a change eg he works 1/2/3 days a week and you will give him £50 for 6months then he must get into a training scheme. You are subsidising his future mental health problems -and health problems by paying him for being idle.

This ‘child’ needs some belated proper parenting, not an unearned paycheck.

WHAT!!!😱 1200 a month on 46k for a 22 year old😱. Woooow. Does the ex know how much he earns now?. Why is he earning much less now?

I think the amount he’s paying is immaterial. The point here is that OP and DH share children who have real and tangible needs, and that money needs to be directed at them. At the moment all DH is doing is enabling his son to be feckless and he will eventually be dependent on benefits if this isn’t nipped in the bud now.

Get that stopped right now.

I have a friend who stopped paying anything to his ex in this situation. It wasnt as simple as everyone is making out. His ex at one point was really struggling, but she wouldn't ask DC to claim benefits. It was hard for my friend to not help (in fact i think he did as a one off)in this situation, but he wanted to encourage DC to work. Eventually DC did get a job.
Lots of engagement with DC is needed. Offers to help them claim benefits, fund their driving lessons or other education, fund travel to job interview or even fund something that DC enjoys and helps with mental health eg sport, but tell them that their living expenses are their responsibility and they need to contribute to mums household.

They should both apply for

Universal credit
Job seekers allowance
If they are unable to work, provide fit notes from doctor which will change to LWCRA

Or get jobs

In turn their National Insurance Contributions will be paid towards their state pensions & other benefits.

No reasoning necessary. The boy and his mother are taking the piss. So yes, parenting does end at 18, where the child is being enabled to live a feckless and irresponsible life, dependent on others. He’s 22 and self diagnosed himself with mental health problems so he doesn’t have to work. What happens when he’s 32, 42, 52 ? Should DH still be supporting his lazy arse then?

What needs to happen is that that money stops now and is redirected towards OP’s kids who have real needs. DSS should then sign on with DWP for UC - income related will be all he’s entitled to - and a proper assessment of his ability to work, or otherwise, will follow. His benefits will be dependent on that, and engaging with looking for work. Time he got into the real world.

When I first read the title and started reading I was wholly in the ‘it’s his kid and it’s up to him’ - BUT £1200 A MONTH!!!!!!!!

No that needs to stop. Right now. All that’s happening here is enabling his behaviour.

£200 a month my ex has got away with giving me. For 2 children. It’s either that or nothing as he hides his income.

Your dh is adding to them being bone idle by funding his sons lifestyle. Tough love needed here. He needs to get off his arse and provide for himself. Your dc with special needs come first. You say you could do with that money he pays out to them for your children, so do it. If it causes any nastiness, which it probably will, it speaks for itself, his ds wants him for his monthly payouts and nothing more. Your dh has gone above a beyond , it's time the lazy sod sorted out his own life

PIP is not an out of work benefit, it’s a disability benefit. OP has already said he doesn’t qualify - if he’s on Prozac, it’s likely GP prescribed for anxiety and depression. He would need proof of secondary mental health care to be considered for any PIP award for a stand alone mental health condition - the bar is very high. If DSS has never worked he won’t qualify for anything other than income related benefit - UC, and anything he does get will affect his mothers’ benefits. I’m wondering if she’s declaring DH’s payments to UC.

@Evilstepmum81 YANBU - I would be fuming especially as this is taking money away from therapies your DH other 2 children could be having and there is no plan in sight for this to end. If the adult child has no plans to work, which to be fair to them is the example they have been shown, then they live like someone who doesn’t work on UC - end of.

I would be suggesting an ultimatum of having a block of therapy paid for whilst they sign on, and then after that a much much much lesser stipend if they need it, if they decline therapy then they just have it reduced to whatever as a family you feel you can afford. They should have some savings if they’ve got no outgoings and receiving in excess of £1000 a month. Never heard anything like it

There's nothing in the OP that suggests the son 'needs' help. The implications is he is deliberately choosing not to work and making zero effort to support himself. It would be awful parenting to support this attitude. I don't disagree he might need 'other' help. Sitting him down and helping him to understand that what he's doing is unsustainable although at 22, he may be beyond learning.

What was there in any of OPs posts for you to base this claptrap on ?

What difference does that make ?