Page 5 | Paying child support for a 22yr old

Evilstepmum81 · 2026-02-22T18:35:30+00:00

Need some advice about my stepchild, as I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not. They are 22, not working (have never worked) but also not on benefits (yet), they didn’t finish school and now say they are too disabled to work and signing on the dole etc is “embarrassing”. They are able to socialize and take care of themselves etc and spend all day on their computer playing games and doing social media stuff so they are not incapacitated or incapable in any way in their day to day life. Their mother also doesn’t work and does claim benefits. I’ve been on the scene 17 years so have been here a long time and helped or tried to help said child to get the skills needed for independence and self sufficiency. But they refuse to even try as they see their mum doing f all and getting on fine. My husband has continued paying child support even though legally he could have stopped at 18 as they are in uni or anything. It’s been nearly 4 years of extra payments in the hope this young adult gets their act together. They haven’t. And now I think the gravy train should stop and this young adult and their mother not receive child support any more. My husband is scared of being the bad guy and his ex and child take full advantage of him. He pays them £1200 a month and he now earns a little over £46k so it’s a big chunk, which was agreed during mediation 10 years ago when he earned way more and we didn’t have our kids. He’s never changed the payments or missed any. I can’t grow his balls for him. But am I unreasonable to tell him to make arrangement to stop payments? We have 2 special needs kids ourselves now, I work full time, and could use the child support money to help pay for therapies etc instead of us having to go into debt to pay for these two adults. It’s so hard being a step parent. He’s a great dad and very supportive. And I applaud his commitment to his children. But he’s got to let this adult aged child figure stuff out for themselves now surely?

BigYellowBus · 23/02/2026 09:48

The OP is very careful not to specify the gender of the 22 year old. She may well be a young woman

Comefromaway · 23/02/2026 09:47

Tha amount is ludicrous. A rough idea of how much he might be expected to pay IF the young person was still at school/college on an income of £48k is £637 per month!

A couple of people have said that they don't stop being your children at 18 etc etc and that many 22 year olds are supported by their parents. Not in my experience they are not. yes, there is often a transitions between 18 and 21 (usually when they are students and starting a career) but it is generally bunging them the odd £50 here and there, maybe once a month.

My son is 21 (neurodiverse and at one point we thought he would never work). He is in his final year at uni so still supported by me. But he has a maximum of £5,233 per year, works out at less than £500 per month. That's all a parent is meant to be contributing at that age only IF a child is still studying.

Beyond that, as parents, we expect our children to be financially independent by that point. Enabling a young person to develop the attitude that they don't have to work to support themselves does them no good in the long run.

Imbusytodaysorry · 23/02/2026 09:45

Evilstepmum81 · 23/02/2026 09:38

Thanks all for your input. I agree with you all that this is ridiculous.

To answer a few questions:

my husband got laid off right after the pandemic after working his way up in a management position. He has not been able to get a role with a similar wage as job hunting in your 50s is bloody hard. No one wants to pay decent money these days. He carried on paying the same maintenance though so his first child wouldn’t be affected.

My stepchild’s gender is immaterial in this situation. Their attitude and behavior of entitlement is more important.

I feel like a mug as I have accepted this for so long and I’m tired. I work full time plus I do 90% of everything for our kids. It’s a lot to manage with drs appointments schedules, school refusal, poorly kids frequently, This all falls on me to manage. So I get so frustrated as my stepchild and his ex wife get to sit home and do f all but i don’t have that choice or privilege. But so many people have made me feel that his first priority is his first family and I “knew what I was getting into”.

The straw that broke the camel’s back might just be that I’ve decided that home education might be able to accommodate my children’s needs better but I cannot do it unless I quit work, but my husband says we cannot afford it.

I’ve got some thinking to do. Well I know what I want but I think I have to decide what my next move is. If he does stop paying then we could just about afford for me to stay at home with the kids. But I am worried about the resentment or whatever else might be directed at me by his child and ex and maybe even him too as I’m sure he will be getting flack from them once the gravy train stops.

And for those armchair psychologists his child has been assessed many times for MH stuff as his ex is trying to get them deemed incapable of work so they can get him to pay indefinitely. His child is on a low dose of Prozac and been told by us and I’m sure by Drs too that a job and life away from computer games will help them to feel more productive etc but they insist they don’t want to deal with being stressed out. So they do nothing.

my husband has a lot of guilt because he worked so much when his first child was little and his ex didn’t work once she had their child and then the marriage ended and a year later I came along, and I think in his head he just wants a quiet life where everyone is happy. He has tried so many times to get his child to do something, anything, to be self sufficient. But the child lives with their mother who has done f all for 22 years nearly so there’s no motivation. Somewhere along the way I’ve become not as important in his plans it feels like, and more important his two actual children are suffering too. His adult child is important too yes but not at the expense of us? This is where I struggle. I don’t want to make him choose but he doesn’t seem like he wants to change anything as it will rock the boat.

He has to see that he supported his dependent child when they were a child and beyond . Now he needs to support his dependent children he has now.

You now need to make him see your marriage could be at risk if he doesn’t stop bank rolling two adults to the detriment of his two young kids .

DeftWasp · 23/02/2026 09:44

Evilstepmum81 · 23/02/2026 09:38

Thanks all for your input. I agree with you all that this is ridiculous.

To answer a few questions:

my husband got laid off right after the pandemic after working his way up in a management position. He has not been able to get a role with a similar wage as job hunting in your 50s is bloody hard. No one wants to pay decent money these days. He carried on paying the same maintenance though so his first child wouldn’t be affected.

My stepchild’s gender is immaterial in this situation. Their attitude and behavior of entitlement is more important.

I feel like a mug as I have accepted this for so long and I’m tired. I work full time plus I do 90% of everything for our kids. It’s a lot to manage with drs appointments schedules, school refusal, poorly kids frequently, This all falls on me to manage. So I get so frustrated as my stepchild and his ex wife get to sit home and do f all but i don’t have that choice or privilege. But so many people have made me feel that his first priority is his first family and I “knew what I was getting into”.

The straw that broke the camel’s back might just be that I’ve decided that home education might be able to accommodate my children’s needs better but I cannot do it unless I quit work, but my husband says we cannot afford it.

I’ve got some thinking to do. Well I know what I want but I think I have to decide what my next move is. If he does stop paying then we could just about afford for me to stay at home with the kids. But I am worried about the resentment or whatever else might be directed at me by his child and ex and maybe even him too as I’m sure he will be getting flack from them once the gravy train stops.

And for those armchair psychologists his child has been assessed many times for MH stuff as his ex is trying to get them deemed incapable of work so they can get him to pay indefinitely. His child is on a low dose of Prozac and been told by us and I’m sure by Drs too that a job and life away from computer games will help them to feel more productive etc but they insist they don’t want to deal with being stressed out. So they do nothing.

my husband has a lot of guilt because he worked so much when his first child was little and his ex didn’t work once she had their child and then the marriage ended and a year later I came along, and I think in his head he just wants a quiet life where everyone is happy. He has tried so many times to get his child to do something, anything, to be self sufficient. But the child lives with their mother who has done f all for 22 years nearly so there’s no motivation. Somewhere along the way I’ve become not as important in his plans it feels like, and more important his two actual children are suffering too. His adult child is important too yes but not at the expense of us? This is where I struggle. I don’t want to make him choose but he doesn’t seem like he wants to change anything as it will rock the boat.

I don't think he is liable to pay forever even if he is deemed incapable of work - if that is the case the state picks up the tab.

But, as someone who suffers from depression myself and likewise takes a low dose antidepressant, he would have to be a hell of a lot worse to be incapable of work.

And the Drs are correct, work and a life away from TV and computer games will do him a power of good, might even cure the depression.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 23/02/2026 09:43

ViciousCurrentBun · 23/02/2026 08:52

If the money is classed as a gift and not income as long as their savings are not over 6k it’s unlikely to be classed as benefit fraud for people saying report.

There is assisting and then there is spoon feeding a person so they remain like an infant.

If mum is claiming UC, there is no mechanism for considering these payments as child benefit, so if she’s not declaring them as cash gifts she’s committing benefit fraud. DWP need to know about any income and there are rules as to what, and how much can be considered a cash gift. They will want evidence of any regular income if it’s declared as such, and whether it is being spent or has resulted in savings over the £6k threshold.

DeftWasp · 23/02/2026 09:40

freakingscared · 23/02/2026 09:24

Why would he need to work at getting £1200 a month ? If he gets no pip then he doesn’t have a disability.

Show quote history

Not strictly true, not qualifying for PIP doesn't mean you haven't got a disability - but even people who do qualify for PIP (which is an in work benefit) often have jobs and careers.

He doesn't have a formal diagnosis of anything, if he does indeed have anxiety and depression, it needs diagnosing and medicating, as that can be a simple gamechanger.

But ultimately handing over £1200 a month is the issue, its letting him get away with doing nothing about anything.

Paleshelter · 23/02/2026 09:39

I know you are in a difficult situation OP but I can't believe he's still sending that money and you have put up with it for another 4 years. Money that should be spent on your children.
It needs to stop now.

Original poster

Evilstepmum81 · 23/02/2026 09:38

Thanks all for your input. I agree with you all that this is ridiculous.

To answer a few questions:

my husband got laid off right after the pandemic after working his way up in a management position. He has not been able to get a role with a similar wage as job hunting in your 50s is bloody hard. No one wants to pay decent money these days. He carried on paying the same maintenance though so his first child wouldn’t be affected.

My stepchild’s gender is immaterial in this situation. Their attitude and behavior of entitlement is more important.

I feel like a mug as I have accepted this for so long and I’m tired. I work full time plus I do 90% of everything for our kids. It’s a lot to manage with drs appointments schedules, school refusal, poorly kids frequently, This all falls on me to manage. So I get so frustrated as my stepchild and his ex wife get to sit home and do f all but i don’t have that choice or privilege. But so many people have made me feel that his first priority is his first family and I “knew what I was getting into”.

The straw that broke the camel’s back might just be that I’ve decided that home education might be able to accommodate my children’s needs better but I cannot do it unless I quit work, but my husband says we cannot afford it.

I’ve got some thinking to do. Well I know what I want but I think I have to decide what my next move is. If he does stop paying then we could just about afford for me to stay at home with the kids. But I am worried about the resentment or whatever else might be directed at me by his child and ex and maybe even him too as I’m sure he will be getting flack from them once the gravy train stops.

And for those armchair psychologists his child has been assessed many times for MH stuff as his ex is trying to get them deemed incapable of work so they can get him to pay indefinitely. His child is on a low dose of Prozac and been told by us and I’m sure by Drs too that a job and life away from computer games will help them to feel more productive etc but they insist they don’t want to deal with being stressed out. So they do nothing.

my husband has a lot of guilt because he worked so much when his first child was little and his ex didn’t work once she had their child and then the marriage ended and a year later I came along, and I think in his head he just wants a quiet life where everyone is happy. He has tried so many times to get his child to do something, anything, to be self sufficient. But the child lives with their mother who has done f all for 22 years nearly so there’s no motivation. Somewhere along the way I’ve become not as important in his plans it feels like, and more important his two actual children are suffering too. His adult child is important too yes but not at the expense of us? This is where I struggle. I don’t want to make him choose but he doesn’t seem like he wants to change anything as it will rock the boat.

OP posts:

DotAndCarryOne2 · 23/02/2026 09:38

Evilstepmum81 · 22/02/2026 19:03

Our own dc are disabled due to birth related issues. His adult child has no formally diagnosed disabilities other than “anxiety and depression” and are on Prozac but says they are unable to work as it’s “too stressful” and “they didn’t ask to be born” so therefore they don’t think they have to stress themselves out and work like an actual adult. Their mum says they aren’t entitled to PIP. She herself claims UC though but I’m not entirely sure what else, she is active, smoker, social etc and doesn’t have any outward signs of an inability to work. They just don’t HAVE to as they get the child support (which is purely child support and not spousal maintenance.) In all honesty I cannot talk to my husband about any of this as it riles me up that this adult child and his ex feel so entitled and we have to foot the bill and he doesn’t have the balls to stop funding them. I’m not sure if it’s a deal breaker for me but it’s certainly a huge stressor for me.

OP you need to talk to your DH ASAP. If his ex is claiming UC, and the payment is a long standing arrangement as you say, then up to the age of 16 (20 if in full time education) the payments would have been classed as child maintenance and disregarded for benefit purposes.

There is no mechanism for child maintenance to be considered after the age of 20 so if she’s not declaring these payments it’s benefit fraud, and your DH is facilitating it. The payments need to stop now and both mother and DSS need to contact DWP to ensure they are claiming everything they are entitled to and DSS needs to engage in job search activitie, at least until he has a work capability assessment.

DeftWasp · 23/02/2026 09:36

Evilstepmum81 · 22/02/2026 19:03

Our own dc are disabled due to birth related issues. His adult child has no formally diagnosed disabilities other than “anxiety and depression” and are on Prozac but says they are unable to work as it’s “too stressful” and “they didn’t ask to be born” so therefore they don’t think they have to stress themselves out and work like an actual adult. Their mum says they aren’t entitled to PIP. She herself claims UC though but I’m not entirely sure what else, she is active, smoker, social etc and doesn’t have any outward signs of an inability to work. They just don’t HAVE to as they get the child support (which is purely child support and not spousal maintenance.) In all honesty I cannot talk to my husband about any of this as it riles me up that this adult child and his ex feel so entitled and we have to foot the bill and he doesn’t have the balls to stop funding them. I’m not sure if it’s a deal breaker for me but it’s certainly a huge stressor for me.

I'm 46, have had diagnosed anxiety and depression from age 16, have been on meds for 30 years!! - I have never been out of work, built up my own business! work and purpose is really good therapy for A & D!!

This 22 year old is taking the mick, they need to be kicked into action or they will vegetate their whole fife.

Your DH is on one hand a mug for handing over the money and on the other is actually making the mental health issues worse, because he's enabling the coasting along.

SueKeeper · 23/02/2026 09:36

Instead of talking about child support and the ex, frame it as a complete failure of parenting. He is enabling his child to make bad choices and limiting their life.

What does he do, as a parent, to get them out of this rut? I know they are an adult but they didn't become like this in a vacuum.

He stops the payments and uses the money to pay for things that will help them. Not what they ask for (so not computer games, for example) but therapy, educational courses, driving lessons. He should also help them with a job search as they clearly don't have the skills and get overwhelmed, they need a patent not a hand out.

CinnamonBuns67 · 23/02/2026 09:29

Yanbu but you also can't force your husband to stop sadly. I would be having very strong words about it and I'd leave if he didn't stop paying or at least greatly reduce it.

freakingscared · 23/02/2026 09:24

plasbks · 22/02/2026 22:08

This is a very unfortunate mess. I do believe that the "child" is still your DH's responsibility because he is that person's father for life. This person is clearly rudderless in life and that as well does fall to your DH to help with. You can't just think that because someone is over 18, that they will magically get their shit together. This person is in a pickle and needs a responsible parent to help. I think you would be unreasonable to cut the money off before making a very sustained attempt to help this person onto their feet.

You also dismiss the mother as not working and on benefits - presumably there is some underlying reason for this as well. Your DH chose to have 2 more children, knowing that this particular adult child was needing a lot of extra support.

Why would he need to work at getting £1200 a month ? If he gets no pip then he doesn’t have a disability.

BettyBoh · 23/02/2026 09:24

BudgetBuster · 23/02/2026 09:17

Your personal situation is literally nothing like the OPs... I am actually baffled how you are even comparing the 2.

Show quote history

exactly. My personal situation was like the OP’s husband. Caught in a situation being financially responsible for dependents way past what is actually normal or acceptable. Not knowing how to remove myself. I gave some perspective on why I found myself in that position, the mistakes I made, and how my brain needed to understand the dynamic particular to MY situation. Perhaps there is no crossover at all. Perhaps there is a lot of crossover. Who knows? I offer it just in case it gives the OP any avenues to explore. I think the OP is very open-minded and tolerant. She can chose to ignore or not.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 23/02/2026 09:21

BillieWiper · 23/02/2026 09:15

If s/he alleges disability then why can't they try and go on Pip and UC? The government should be contributing to them at this point, not 'child support'.

But I do understand that parents don't stop giving money to their kids just because they turned 18.

Equally what extra money does the kid need if they sit at home all day online. And presumably mum feeds and houses them.

This has been clarified upthread. They are not eligible for PIP, so presumably have tried to claim and have been refused. It would be extremely difficult to for him to get PIP based on GP treated anxiety and depression - a stand alone MH condition requires input from secondary care, consultant led MH teams to be considered.

If mum is in benefits they may be affected by a claim for UC in the DSS’ own right, and as far as I can see if she’s claiming benefits, as OP says, then not declaring the £1200 per month from her ex is benefit fraud. At 22 the DWP would not consider it disregarded child maintenance payments.

Itsnotallalark · 23/02/2026 09:19

So, realistically this could go on until the ‘child’ is 30, 40…….

BudgetBuster · 23/02/2026 09:17

BettyBoh · 23/02/2026 09:09

Hi
i confused stepson and stepdaughter and went back to edit but must’ve missed one instance of stepdaughter. I know there is only one child. Not made up just an error on my part.

the rest of the scenario is not me making up something - it’s me jumping to conclusions as to the root cause based on my experience. I should’ve said it was an opinion but I thought that was clear by the fact it came from me, not the OP.
i didn’t have time to go into detail about my situation but I can do…
I lived something very very similar with my husbands family who requested support as if I was a parent or ex-partner. It was quite a traumatic experience as the person “responsible” for providing for them. Once you set up a situation like this it can be difficult to remove yourself from it, especially if they are being mildly manipulative. I am autistic and I feel a huge amount of responsibility and a huge amount of empathy for my in-laws and BIL anf SIL who we’re both quite a bit younger than me. (In-laws had 2 kids as teenage parents one of whom is my husband and then had 2 more kids well into their 40s). I allowed myself to be manipulated into providing money even when I couldn’t afford it and I have learned a lot about myself as a result.

Years later I made another mistake by having the younger BIL live with us. I thought he was lazy just like his mum but then I started to try and piece the problem together. Peopke with very severe ADHD do come across as lazy. Remember that ADHD is on a Spectrum just like autism. We know autistic peopke can be high-functioning and we know they can also be non-speaking. ADHD also has a spectrum. Those with severe ADHD have little to no executive functioning. But they may have good social skills.

i also know neurodiversity is highly hereditary. I also know ADHD-autism is a common marriage dynamic (thinking about the first marriage).

i have used the very little info provided to draw my own conclusions based solely on my experience. I would like to make that clear. It is my opinion.

Show quote history

Your personal situation is literally nothing like the OPs... I am actually baffled how you are even comparing the 2.

BillieWiper · 23/02/2026 09:15

If s/he alleges disability then why can't they try and go on Pip and UC? The government should be contributing to them at this point, not 'child support'.

But I do understand that parents don't stop giving money to their kids just because they turned 18.

Equally what extra money does the kid need if they sit at home all day online. And presumably mum feeds and houses them.

RedToothBrush · 23/02/2026 09:15

The 22 year old is stealing from his siblings and Dad is enabling it.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 23/02/2026 09:14

ResetReboot2000 · 23/02/2026 08:40

They should both apply for

Universal credit
Job seekers allowance
If they are unable to work, provide fit notes from doctor which will change to LWCRA

Or get jobs

In turn their National Insurance Contributions will be paid towards their state pensions & other benefits.

The mum is already claiming benefits, which, if she doesn’t work, will likely be income related. Child maintenance payments don’t have to be declared to DWP but they normally stop at 16 unless the child remains in full time education. At 22 in these circumstances, it’s not child maintenance any more so if she’s not declaring it, it will likely be considered benefit fraud.

To claim LCWRA element of UC it isn’t just a matter of providing doctors’ notes. Unless there is a relevant PIP claim, or the claimant is terminally ill, they have to report their health condition via the online journal and submit unbroken, ongoing fit notes. They will also need to complete a UC50 capability for work form and undergo a work capability assessment. The DWP will review the result and advise the claimant of the decision - it’s not guaranteed and depends entirely on the assessed fitness to do any work. The LCWRA element is paid after a three month "relevant period" of assessment, starting from when medical evidence was first provided.

angelos02 · 23/02/2026 09:14

That is an insane amount of money - at any age.

ponderings123 · 23/02/2026 09:09

That's £57,600 he's given away. Absolute madness. I'd have to walk away.

mjf981 · 23/02/2026 09:09

Haven't RTFT but suspect mine will be a typical response - this is madness.

Not only is he enabling a grown man from ever standing on his own 2 feet, he is taking funds away from his own family who have special needs. He needs to stop this asap. I'd go 600 quid monthly for 3 months and then stop altogether. Gives them a bit of time to sort things out.

BettyBoh · 23/02/2026 09:09

BudgetBuster · 23/02/2026 08:10

Yes, but you've literally made up random children and everything in this scenario 😂

Show quote history

Hi
i confused stepson and stepdaughter and went back to edit but must’ve missed one instance of stepdaughter. I know there is only one child. Not made up just an error on my part.

the rest of the scenario is not me making up something - it’s me jumping to conclusions as to the root cause based on my experience. I should’ve said it was an opinion but I thought that was clear by the fact it came from me, not the OP.
i didn’t have time to go into detail about my situation but I can do…
I lived something very very similar with my husbands family who requested support as if I was a parent or ex-partner. It was quite a traumatic experience as the person “responsible” for providing for them. Once you set up a situation like this it can be difficult to remove yourself from it, especially if they are being mildly manipulative. I am autistic and I feel a huge amount of responsibility and a huge amount of empathy for my in-laws and BIL anf SIL who we’re both quite a bit younger than me. (In-laws had 2 kids as teenage parents one of whom is my husband and then had 2 more kids well into their 40s). I allowed myself to be manipulated into providing money even when I couldn’t afford it and I have learned a lot about myself as a result.

Years later I made another mistake by having the younger BIL live with us. I thought he was lazy just like his mum but then I started to try and piece the problem together. Peopke with very severe ADHD do come across as lazy. Remember that ADHD is on a Spectrum just like autism. We know autistic peopke can be high-functioning and we know they can also be non-speaking. ADHD also has a spectrum. Those with severe ADHD have little to no executive functioning. But they may have good social skills.

i also know neurodiversity is highly hereditary. I also know ADHD-autism is a common marriage dynamic (thinking about the first marriage).

i have used the very little info provided to draw my own conclusions based solely on my experience. I would like to make that clear. It is my opinion.

NorfolkandBad · 23/02/2026 09:08

I agree with those suggesting the amount drops each month to eventually be zero. I also think your DP should put a few hundred each month into savings, which are then available for his son, or your kids, depending on need (not wants, need) in an emergency / big event - like needing a deposit on a rental.