Paying child support for a 22yr old

You have DC with a Dad whose giving away over £2000 a month Op, that's daft, his Ex hasn't worked for 20 years so of course his DC thinks it's fine to do the same.
If your DH in his 50s he needs to be looking at his finances, for retirement, for Uni expenses, he could reduce what he gives to your DSC by two thirds and be saving it for the future.
In your place this would be a dealbreaker for me, I'm all in favour of DF paying child maintenance but not for two adults to do nothing all their lives

The obvious answer would be to leave your husband and get £2400 a month to pay for homeschooling! The problem is that that's roughly his monthly take home pay and he is prioritising his 22 yo bone idle child above his younger children. How are your finances currently split? How on earth is he affording this? If you are allowing him to put less in the household pot because of this then that needs to stop straight away.

even if he wanted to carry on paying its way too much should be half of that can you at least show him the cms page

hes enabling both of them to you and your dc detrment

Based on the thread title I was ready to say that 22 year olds do sometimes need financial support because of cost of housing etc - but 'too disabled to work but won't be assessed for benefits' is taking the piss - not just out of you but of all the people with disabilities who work.

Make it clear that if he doesn’t change anything that will also rock the boat, with respect to his current wife and children. He cannot keep burying his head in the sand about this.

Sorry, OP but I do not know how you put up with this. He is neglecting his responsibilities to his wife and children so he can keep paying for two adults he is not legally responsible for, to not work? Do you not see how insane that is, and how unfair to you and your children? It would be a dealbreaker for me.

That is an insane amount of money to be paying to an ex and his 22 year old 'child' 🙄

Let's be honest, having that amount of money falling into your lap every month will not give them the motivation to find work, will it? Stop the money and tell them to get of their backside and find a job. Any job.

Also, the fact that their mother does nothing is not exactly being a good role model either.

The money needs to stop and be used for your two children, who clearly need it much more than a 22 year old who CBA to work.

I hope you are able to sort this soon @Evilstepmum81

ETA. My DH and I are both self employed, and have worked all our lives. Our eldest started work at 16 to fit around college, and my second DS (16) is about to start doing the same next week. They both have a brilliant work ethic, and know that you need to work to get on in life.

But I am worried about the resentment or whatever else might be directed at me by his child and ex and maybe even him too as I’m sure he will be getting flack from them once the gravy train stops.

So what if they moan, let it be water off a ducks back.

you need to get harder for the sake of your kids who need support from you both. IF he won't step up get rid of him and claim UC and get him to pay for his kids properly. Going by what you have written you won't be any worse off as you do most of it anyway.

You need to speak to your husband and get him to stop this. He is enabling this lazy pair of feckless scroungers, who have no respect for themselves, or your husband. He is paying for the ex wife's smoking and going out. This is to the detriment of you and your children.

I would not put up with this. He is making a mug of you. Turn this around, and you are enabling him at the expense of your children.

Abso-f*ing-lutely !!!

@Evilstepmum81 I'd be taking the claim of being on a low dose of Prozac with a pinch of salt. Unless your husband has seen the prescription which would be Fluoextine in the UK. A young adult spending all their time online will more likely be using American terms for things they don't actually know anything about.

Your husband needs to support his young children and not leave it all to you. Pathetic man that won't stand up to his ex is not a good father.

Well put. He is very unkind to not be supporting/enabling his child to grow up

This must be a joke ! My ex pays £7 / week for his two children - I mean actual children under 18 in full time education. He earns over £250,000 / year and I earn less than £25,000 / year.

Leaving the money issue aside for a moment, why the fuck are you allowing him to treat you like an utter mug? Why are you working full time AND doing 90% of everything at home? You have bigger problems than this child support payment.

Give them notice the payments will stop in a year.

Otherwise it'll never end.

My pensioner Mum still has to work because my 45 year old brother lives with her and has 'mental health issues' which he never seeks any actual support or treatment for but which mean he struggles to hold down a job but also thinks claiming benefits is 'degrading'.

He and my Mum have a toxic co-dependence where she martyrs herself and he resents her despite her enabling his dysfunction.

He's currently working full time and they're getting on great but history tells me it won't last and they would both be much happier away from each other. This is his 5th job in 2 years.

In reference to a PP, he's not lazy either but despite being very bright and going to an independent school on a scholarship, in his late teens and 20s he prioritised fun jobs over study, liked booze and drugs and so whenever anything difficult happened like a girlfriend dumping him, drugs and booze took centre stage so he'd lose jobs.

So into his 30s and beyond, the only jobs available to him were minimum wage ones, not at all fulfilling to someone as bright as he is so basically jobs he didn't care about and easy to walk away from or not care if he got sacked. Because he knew he'd always have a roof over his head.

I think posters like the one saying no-one is lazy for no reason are missing the point that work can be really shit for a lot of people and not working if possible is preferable.

A perfect example of enabling behaviour. Of course the SC isnt going to get a job or try to improve their prospects, why would they when all their needs are met ?

Deal breaker for me. Also why do you do 90% of everything? @Evilstepmum81

the lazy label doesn’t help. Nobody is lazy for the sake of being lazy. There is always an underlying reason.

Hollow laugh.

The bigger problem is surely what changes DH intends to make to his parenting so you don’t end up with more of his children relying on dad or the taxpayer rather than providing for themselves.

It’s very concerning to have raised a child like this.

If you can’t afford it you’ll have to stop paying but it certainly sticks in my throat that the rest of us will be footing the bill instead.

yanbu! That’s a huge sum of money each month, no wonder SC does not have any motivation/ want to get a job!

If the 'child' support is paid to the mum who's in receipt of UC she's committing benefit fraud as she should be declaring her un-earned income which will have an impact on her entitlement to UC. It's not like the 'child' is a dependent child anymore for benefit purposes.

There are some kids that will use a handout from parent to improve their lives - do their driving test, get a car, do a course, buy a property and then there are those who when given money causes them to shrink become less - hide from the world - fail to fledge. Money does not help the latter - it destroys them - they need to be pushed to take that first leap, they need a dose of tough love. The 22 year old needs some tough love - they are rapidly approaching an age where never having job will having a massive impact on their lives. The handouts have to stop.

The situation is ridiculous.
I was going to say that you can’t TELL him what to do, but you can talk to him and make him see sense. However, from what you’ve said, you can’t do this!

If he’s sending £1200 in Child Support for one child, ask him where your £2400 is for your two, please? You have to somehow demonstrate how crazy and off-kilter the current arrangement is.

Good luck! Xx

He’s not “a great dad”. He’s enabling his adult child to sit around playing computer games instead of developing any degree of resilience, coping skills and independence. He’d rather chuck money at them than deal with a difficult situation.

I think he needs to cut it off, because in the long run the country is broke anyway and the benefits gravy train will end sooner or later. And if his step child has nothing on their CV they won’t get a job later on. But he should probably encourage the step child to do a course or something initially to get them out of the house. There must be something they can do which will probably make them happier anyway, even if it is part time work plus study of some sort at a local college.