Paying child support for a 22yr old

@RedToothBrush I was thinking the same. Her DH is in his 50’s, he’s not going to be earning forever, so what’s the plan when he retires? He might develop health issues and need to work p-t or retire early- what would happen in that instance?

Whatever happens, the current situation is unsustainable longterm.

Yes, that's absolutely the solution to pointing out people taking the piss in terms of taking in money. What are YOU entitled to OP so you can carry on paying while also accepting tax payers cash.

Yes, and I bet your Dad wasn't bankrolling you!!!

Do a benefit check OP. With two special needs children, you may be better off caring full time as a single parent and ensuring you maximise any child DLA and carers allowance where you meet the criteria. https://www.entitledto.co.uk

Worth finding out at least. Your DH has a cheek imho saying you can’t afford to reduce your hours when you do most of the care, subsidise this payment to his ex and SC who is now an adult.

Could he easily afford it if you weren’t there? You’d be entitled to 20% of his income also if you split. Not so noble of him to prioritise his first DC at the expense of his current family for so long.

I had my own child at 22

Holy fuck! £1200 a month. Just no. Time to stop enabling the lazy fuckers. Jeez.

Of course YANBU, unfortunately he’s watching his mum do nothing and get away with it, fine let him but stand on his own two feet, the son and his mum are taking your husband for mugs.

He definitely needs to stop enabling these two lazy adults.

What is your DHs long term plan?

As in does he expect to still be financially supporting his son until his death? If he is getting that much per month, your husband won't be able to retire. Are you going to suck that up? It is only going to get into a worse situation if it isn't tackled head on now.

So what IS his exit strategy?

At 22, he absolutely should only be paying any support directly to his son. Mother shouldn't get a penny and shouldnt get access to the money.

At 22 he can claim benefits. So your husband should be finding out how much his son is entitled to and be deducting it from any support he currently gives. By all means give warning of this, but then the rest is up to his son. If he CHOOSES not to do this, this ISN'T your husband's fault or responsibility.

This is more than fair because the two biggest losers from continuing to let the 22 year olds to take the piss, is his younger two siblings and that's why it can't continue.

This isn't leaving the son destitute. It's leaving the son with the responsibility in line with his age to engage with the system.

It absolutely is the sons choice here. Your DH can chose to enable and put his relationship with you (and younger children) at risk or he can start to implement the exit strategy.

Unfortunately the dad wouldn't be able to arrange anything at all for the 22 year olds mental health. My step son removed his dads right to know anything about the mental health side of his life. He is now 30 and hasn't engaged with any mental health services in a meaningful way since it all began 10 years ago. If your step son puts in a claim for universal credit, a work coach will access functional skills courses, courses around computer packages etc etc with an aim to help him back into work. Do you mean that your DH believes he has to continue to pay maintenance because of the mental health issues? If he's been led to believe that then it's not true. It's not like an EHCP which in some cases can go up to age 25. Also if different agencies act now then the 22 yr old can he assisted with college courses etc relevant to the level they reached at school. Leave it until 24 + then that door and funding closes.

A diagnosis of anxiety and depression (apart from being valid in themselves) can sometimes mask underlying disabilities.

You don't mention the sex of your stepchild, but this is commonly seen in women (largely because doctors seem to prefer throwing labels of stress/anxiety/depression at females rather than investigating properly). But it can also be the case for men.

What has your husband done to support his child to either manage their mental health or get a proper diagnosis of something else?

If he's spent the last few years sourcing assessments, arranging therapy, and giving practical life advice then I have more sympathy for you. But a parent's responsibility towards their child doesn't stop at 18. If your step child has poor mental health and/or a disability, it's right that their dad continues to see them as his responsibility. I'm not saying he should pay child support forever (though it's not unusual for someone with additional needs to stay living at home longer, and this financial burden shouldn't just be their mum's). But he should be helping them source the help they need to either enter the workforce or claim benefits.

Goodness! you and your husband are saints.

And as for your stepchild's mother ... well, at least I know what my humungous tax bill is paying for - a waste of space, bringing up her child as a waste of space.

Bankrolling a 22yr old who is looking for work, or working and low paid, or furthering education is VERY different to bankrolling a 22yr old who is sitting playing games all day.

What is the boy's disability ?

What he is doing is enabling these adults' behaviour. Give them 3 months' notice that the gravy train is coming to its end - ample time to sort out some work.

Op of course he shouldn't still be paying, you have a DH problem as they will take it aslong as he's paying it

Sorry if this has been covered, but do you claim DLA for your children? Might be worth looking into if you don’t. The 22 year old needs to look for work asap, your husband shouldn’t be paying that much now or anything at all, bet the ex is loving it!

no, its not common for parents to be bankrolling 22 year olds.

He's doing the 22yr old adult no favours now really, yes, support through uni, training whatever, but not to be sat idle!

Is he paying cash or does it come out joint account or his own bank every month? Could you cancel the payment going out?
think you need to be firm that unless he stops paying he’s gonna be looking at a divorce as your own children need that money

Gosh I'm sorry, that was hard to read, I can't imagine how hard it is to live with.

Of course he shouldn't be paying for his adult child to sit on their arse all day.

Step mum here. My husband stopped child support when my SD turned 18 (after always paying a decent percentage of his wages regularly through her life) - she's working full time and earns similar to me. He advised her mum to ask her to contribute to the household bills in lieu of those payments from him but also to teach his daughter about budgeting, financial responsibility etc. That didn't happen. We still support her with money for driving lessons, any training she needs, coming on holidays, clothes etc. If she'd chosen to go to uni, we'd have financially supported that too.

You're right that he needs to stop paying that directly to the mum. He could put the same amount (or half because you're right that it's a huge chunk) into a savings pot for the teen to use on something constructive like training courses, driving lessons etc as a route into work or education. At age 22 things should be different from when he was 2 or 12.

I get the whole thing of him not wanting to shake things up but it's completely unreasonable to expect £1200 a month for an adult child.

Signing on shouldn't be embarrassing if there's a genuine reason to not be able to work or learn.

Commitments end at the age of 18yrs, because that child is now seen as an adult and needs to support himself. He will never do anything if his father keeps paying him every month. Hismental health issues are probably due to not leaving the house, mixing with other people doing the same things everyday, without any goals or ambition. When will it stop? At what age? Never heard of anything so ridiculous. It's a tough world but somehow the majority get up everyday and try their best to make their lives good. His father is enabling his lazy, bone idle, behaviour, by paying him to behave like that. ...Just unbelievable

A 22-year-old who didn't even finish school and who has no work experience is very unlikely to get a job in the current market. A 22-year-old with a first class degree and an intership would struggle. There is a huge gap between being able to see friends and being able to hold down a job, but it sounds like at the very least the 22yo needs to sign on for UC and do some work-related activity. Sounds like they need to make much more of an effort; however, I think it's worth taking into account that the economy means that it's very common at the moment for even the most hardworking 22yos to be bankrolled by parents.

I would normally say that parental responsibilities do not end at 18, but that would be to support children into education or training. Here there is nothing wrong with your SCs they have just developed a dependency on your DH funding their lifestyle. It is going to be hard now, but the right thing to do is to give notice that in six months the funding will stop. After then they need to fund their own lifestyle.