Paying child support for a 22yr old

Evilstepmum81 · 2026-02-22T18:35:30+00:00

Need some advice about my stepchild, as I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not. They are 22, not working (have never worked) but also not on benefits (yet), they didn’t finish school and now say they are too disabled to work and signing on the dole etc is “embarrassing”. They are able to socialize and take care of themselves etc and spend all day on their computer playing games and doing social media stuff so they are not incapacitated or incapable in any way in their day to day life. Their mother also doesn’t work and does claim benefits. I’ve been on the scene 17 years so have been here a long time and helped or tried to help said child to get the skills needed for independence and self sufficiency. But they refuse to even try as they see their mum doing f all and getting on fine. My husband has continued paying child support even though legally he could have stopped at 18 as they are in uni or anything. It’s been nearly 4 years of extra payments in the hope this young adult gets their act together. They haven’t. And now I think the gravy train should stop and this young adult and their mother not receive child support any more. My husband is scared of being the bad guy and his ex and child take full advantage of him. He pays them £1200 a month and he now earns a little over £46k so it’s a big chunk, which was agreed during mediation 10 years ago when he earned way more and we didn’t have our kids. He’s never changed the payments or missed any. I can’t grow his balls for him. But am I unreasonable to tell him to make arrangement to stop payments? We have 2 special needs kids ourselves now, I work full time, and could use the child support money to help pay for therapies etc instead of us having to go into debt to pay for these two adults. It’s so hard being a step parent. He’s a great dad and very supportive. And I applaud his commitment to his children. But he’s got to let this adult aged child figure stuff out for themselves now surely?

LoyalMember · 25/02/2026 08:41

plasbks · 22/02/2026 22:08

This is a very unfortunate mess. I do believe that the "child" is still your DH's responsibility because he is that person's father for life. This person is clearly rudderless in life and that as well does fall to your DH to help with. You can't just think that because someone is over 18, that they will magically get their shit together. This person is in a pickle and needs a responsible parent to help. I think you would be unreasonable to cut the money off before making a very sustained attempt to help this person onto their feet.

You also dismiss the mother as not working and on benefits - presumably there is some underlying reason for this as well. Your DH chose to have 2 more children, knowing that this particular adult child was needing a lot of extra support.

Wow, it's the the OP's stepson's got a Mumsnet login.
😂

BillieWiper · 24/02/2026 18:08

DotAndCarryOne2 · 24/02/2026 17:01

No, I was a benefit adviser and latterly a disability outreach worker and my area is UC and disability benefits. I’ve worked with the PIP system since 2013, applying, appealing and supporting at tribunal.

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Ah ok thank you. I find a lot of it very confusing. It's really hard to be disabled.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 24/02/2026 17:01

BillieWiper · 23/02/2026 20:08

Ok thank you. So you're a pip decision maker for the DWP?

Show quote history

No, I was a benefit adviser and latterly a disability outreach worker and my area is UC and disability benefits. I’ve worked with the PIP system since 2013, applying, appealing and supporting at tribunal.

myheadsjustmush · 24/02/2026 13:15

Your DH is absolutely insane.

£57,600 he has paid to his lazy son and ex-wife over the last four years.

Put that total figure in front of him - and then proceed to tell him how much that amount of money could have helped your children over the last four years.

Your DH needs to come to his senses pretty sharpish!

Lazy, work-shy people will continue being lazy, work-shy people - as long as someone else is daft enough to keep giving them money!

SpainToday · 24/02/2026 11:07

People always assume that men often neglect their 'first family children' when they start a second family, but more and more I read that the reverse is true. There's often so much (misplaced) guilt involved, that rather than divide time and resources appropriately, everything is channelled towards the first children, and its the second children who get less of everything in pursuit of this, and somehow its supposed to be ok 'because they live with their Dad.'

I realise this thread is about adults, not children, but the same principle applies

pinkyredrose · 24/02/2026 08:45

ParmaVioletTea · 23/02/2026 13:46

Goodness! you and your husband are saints.

And as for your stepchild's mother ... well, at least I know what my humungous tax bill is paying for - a waste of space, bringing up her child as a waste of space.

They're not saints, they're mugs.

RedToothBrush · 24/02/2026 05:15

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/02/2026 22:02

"My husband is scared of being the bad guy"

Then maybe he should consider that by paying this money, he IS being the bad guy? He is locking his son into dependency, infantilising him - causing his son's 'failure to launch'.

He is also the bad guy to his current wife and two younger children, failing to provide financially for his children's needs and putting pressure on you, his wife, on a way that is just not necessary.

He's a coward. A coward who is damaging all of his children through his cowardice.

This.

My dad's half brother almost certainly has autism. He has nearly always lived with his parents. My dad for years quietly tried to tell his dad and step mum they needed to address this, get a diagnosis and start to put things into place so when they died he could cope.

They didn't.

And now both are dead.

My dad is in his 70s. His half brother is coming up to 50. He isn't coping properly with living independently. So shit is slowly hitting the fan and is likely only to get worse. But he's not yet in a state where social services will end up getting involved. It will happen eventually. It's an inevitability.

He's functional enough that if it had been addressed sooner he wouldn't be in the mess he is to the degree he is. He had enough ability to hold down a job and live independently in his 20s. Then they moved and it all went to shit. He quit his job and moved with them and never re-established his life. His mother just did everything for him.

He's trying to sell the house and downsize but it's in a state and no one is interested. He won't drop the price much to my dad's frustration. He can't afford to keep it on. So eventually the money will run out too.

His parents carrying on for years enabling him not to learn has created an all together worse situation.

In theory once my parents are gone I become next of kin. My parents have said not to make contact precisely because they don't want me to be burdened by him in future and that's an additional worry for them.

This is effectively similar to the shitshow your husband is building up for the future. A man who not only won't try but genuinely then can't cope because he's never been taught to cope properly.

Now is the time to teach him this. To get him to navigate the benefits system if he needs it and be able to fend for himself. Otherwise the shit will hit the fan when your DH is gone. And who is going to cop for that? Maybe you but definitely his siblings.

Pretending you can carry on like this and it doesn't have consequences is not being a good parent. It's setting your kid up for a crash in the future because you've been too cowardly to deal with it because it's difficult. Your DH needs to get on top of things now for the sake of his son. It's a tough love situation which sets him up for life before the situation gets worse. And it will.

As I say "What's his exit strategy?" He's not immortal and he won't live forever.

rainingsnoring · 23/02/2026 23:39

Evilstepmum81 · 23/02/2026 20:30

Thanks again for all your views on this. It’s very helpful.
I guess I have a hard time understanding how my stepchild can say they can’t possibly work due to not wanting to be stressed out and say they have anxiety yet I have ptsd and am burned out and stressed out too (ok yes through my own life choices to have children but I didn’t expect them to have all the issues they do) and I have to just get on with it and work and they don’t? At the end of the day, why do they get the choice and the rest of us don’t? And yes I know it’s because their dad subs their lifestyle so they do have the luxury of choosing.

I would like to have the same choice. To give my kids the best chance in life to NOT turn out like their older sibling.

but I still feel like I’m unreasonable in a way by saying he has to stop funding his adult child and his ex wife.

its very difficult being stuck in this situation. I don’t want to be all woe is me but it is hard to see how this is going to work out in any positive way as my husband has had 4 years to stop paying and chose not to stop. So now the entitlement is even deeper rooted.

Hopefully I’ll be proven wrong but I don’t think so. And I don’t want to be a single parent but I feel deep down maybe I already am. And that’s terribly sad.

As I suspected, you are stressed and worn out and your DC are missing out.
Your 'D'H may feel that he doesn't want to be the bad guy but he is being exactly that!

It is a very sad situation for you but not because YABU at all. Would you consider showing him this thread?

DryadsRest · 23/02/2026 23:24

Evilstepmum81 · 23/02/2026 20:30

Thanks again for all your views on this. It’s very helpful.
I guess I have a hard time understanding how my stepchild can say they can’t possibly work due to not wanting to be stressed out and say they have anxiety yet I have ptsd and am burned out and stressed out too (ok yes through my own life choices to have children but I didn’t expect them to have all the issues they do) and I have to just get on with it and work and they don’t? At the end of the day, why do they get the choice and the rest of us don’t? And yes I know it’s because their dad subs their lifestyle so they do have the luxury of choosing.

I would like to have the same choice. To give my kids the best chance in life to NOT turn out like their older sibling.

but I still feel like I’m unreasonable in a way by saying he has to stop funding his adult child and his ex wife.

its very difficult being stuck in this situation. I don’t want to be all woe is me but it is hard to see how this is going to work out in any positive way as my husband has had 4 years to stop paying and chose not to stop. So now the entitlement is even deeper rooted.

Hopefully I’ll be proven wrong but I don’t think so. And I don’t want to be a single parent but I feel deep down maybe I already am. And that’s terribly sad.

I think you’re in a tricky situation- but maybe start with small steps could he scale it back a bit say give her notice it needs to go down to a grand in a couple of months?

also at the moment it sounds like you’re bearing the load of the subsidy and he carries on as usual. Maybe you can find a subtle way that he is impacted by the subsidy he gives his child

perhaps if you present the issue to him in a different way that it’s not about taking their money away it’s about encouraging independence and he could fund other things maybe like driving lessons…/ deposit on a rented flat..or even ask him to solve the problem of treating all his children equally. But give him time to think about it.

I think it would be sad for it to cause problems in your relationship but if you can find a way to pass responsibility to him / for him to carry more of the load in making financial decisions for you all maybe it will help him realise it’s not sustainable and in their best interests to help set them up for adult hood

Timeforanewgame · 23/02/2026 22:52

The adult child will never learn to stand on their own two feet whilst he's paying for them to do nothing. It's not even a small amount either.

We can't just go through lige never experiencing stress. It just doesn't work like that. Even if the child genuinely does have a reason not work, they still need to take some responsibility for themselves.

He's been more than generous and now it's time for that to stop. Fair enough to still treat them now and again and give them money for things they might need at times but it needs a to be a fairer split between the first child and the children he had with you (and with consideration to the fact he first child is old enough to be bringing in their own money, whether that's a wage or benefits if they're entitled). The mother also has responsibility to provide for their child too.

Talkingfrog · 23/02/2026 22:08

You sound very understanding in the situation.

If cutting all support is too much, hopefully you can persuade your DH to reduce the support that he is giving so that he can better support you and his other children.

Dapplesun · 23/02/2026 22:08

OP that’s nearly 60k over the last 4 years! This is insane. YANBU stop payments immediately

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/02/2026 22:02

"My husband is scared of being the bad guy"

Then maybe he should consider that by paying this money, he IS being the bad guy? He is locking his son into dependency, infantilising him - causing his son's 'failure to launch'.

He is also the bad guy to his current wife and two younger children, failing to provide financially for his children's needs and putting pressure on you, his wife, on a way that is just not necessary.

He's a coward. A coward who is damaging all of his children through his cowardice.

BruFord · 23/02/2026 21:39

Woodfiresareamazing · 23/02/2026 21:32

I wonder how they can "make his life miserable "?
He can again offer to help his son access some kind of education , training, or work.

He doesn't have to engage at all with his ex-wife.

If his son starts abusing him, he can just hang up or walk away. And eventually go NC for a month/3 months ... until the son gets the message, and starts to do what he should do.

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@Woodfiresareamazing Yes, I meant that they can nag at him and his child can go NC, which I imagine would be heartbreaking. He can block his ex, of course.

Of course this situation can’t continue, it just sounds as if her DH is afraid of the emotional consequences. Emotions can cause people to behave illogically.

Woodfiresareamazing · 23/02/2026 21:34

Evilstepmum81 · 23/02/2026 20:30

Thanks again for all your views on this. It’s very helpful.
I guess I have a hard time understanding how my stepchild can say they can’t possibly work due to not wanting to be stressed out and say they have anxiety yet I have ptsd and am burned out and stressed out too (ok yes through my own life choices to have children but I didn’t expect them to have all the issues they do) and I have to just get on with it and work and they don’t? At the end of the day, why do they get the choice and the rest of us don’t? And yes I know it’s because their dad subs their lifestyle so they do have the luxury of choosing.

I would like to have the same choice. To give my kids the best chance in life to NOT turn out like their older sibling.

but I still feel like I’m unreasonable in a way by saying he has to stop funding his adult child and his ex wife.

its very difficult being stuck in this situation. I don’t want to be all woe is me but it is hard to see how this is going to work out in any positive way as my husband has had 4 years to stop paying and chose not to stop. So now the entitlement is even deeper rooted.

Hopefully I’ll be proven wrong but I don’t think so. And I don’t want to be a single parent but I feel deep down maybe I already am. And that’s terribly sad.

You really aren't being unreasonable in making him stop the payments. Pretty much everyone on this thread agrees that it has to stop.

I really think if he won't agree to stop, then you will need to seriously consider your options ...

Woodfiresareamazing · 23/02/2026 21:32

BruFord · 23/02/2026 19:50

@SpainToday I imagine he’s afraid of the backlash from his ex and his child. They can’t actually force him to pay, but they can make his life miserable.

He's got to deal with it though, setting boundaries is part of parenting.

I wonder how they can "make his life miserable "?
He can again offer to help his son access some kind of education , training, or work.

He doesn't have to engage at all with his ex-wife.

If his son starts abusing him, he can just hang up or walk away. And eventually go NC for a month/3 months ... until the son gets the message, and starts to do what he should do.

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/02/2026 21:27

Evilstepmum81 · 23/02/2026 20:30

Thanks again for all your views on this. It’s very helpful.
I guess I have a hard time understanding how my stepchild can say they can’t possibly work due to not wanting to be stressed out and say they have anxiety yet I have ptsd and am burned out and stressed out too (ok yes through my own life choices to have children but I didn’t expect them to have all the issues they do) and I have to just get on with it and work and they don’t? At the end of the day, why do they get the choice and the rest of us don’t? And yes I know it’s because their dad subs their lifestyle so they do have the luxury of choosing.

I would like to have the same choice. To give my kids the best chance in life to NOT turn out like their older sibling.

but I still feel like I’m unreasonable in a way by saying he has to stop funding his adult child and his ex wife.

its very difficult being stuck in this situation. I don’t want to be all woe is me but it is hard to see how this is going to work out in any positive way as my husband has had 4 years to stop paying and chose not to stop. So now the entitlement is even deeper rooted.

Hopefully I’ll be proven wrong but I don’t think so. And I don’t want to be a single parent but I feel deep down maybe I already am. And that’s terribly sad.

The could work if they wanted to and maybe once the cash cow of dad has gone - thy may decide they can work

Birch101 · 23/02/2026 20:33

Of course your not being unreasonable. Personally they need to sign on for pension credits anyway. Maybe approach it as drop it equivalent of JSA?

Original poster

Evilstepmum81 · 23/02/2026 20:30

Thanks again for all your views on this. It’s very helpful.
I guess I have a hard time understanding how my stepchild can say they can’t possibly work due to not wanting to be stressed out and say they have anxiety yet I have ptsd and am burned out and stressed out too (ok yes through my own life choices to have children but I didn’t expect them to have all the issues they do) and I have to just get on with it and work and they don’t? At the end of the day, why do they get the choice and the rest of us don’t? And yes I know it’s because their dad subs their lifestyle so they do have the luxury of choosing.

I would like to have the same choice. To give my kids the best chance in life to NOT turn out like their older sibling.

but I still feel like I’m unreasonable in a way by saying he has to stop funding his adult child and his ex wife.

its very difficult being stuck in this situation. I don’t want to be all woe is me but it is hard to see how this is going to work out in any positive way as my husband has had 4 years to stop paying and chose not to stop. So now the entitlement is even deeper rooted.

Hopefully I’ll be proven wrong but I don’t think so. And I don’t want to be a single parent but I feel deep down maybe I already am. And that’s terribly sad.

OP posts:

Jamesblonde2 · 23/02/2026 20:21

DotAndCarryOne2 · 23/02/2026 19:29

If he can game all day in his room he can work. The ‘disability’ is self diagnosed and he’s visited his GP for anti depressants. He’s also been turned down for PIP. The ‘child’ is an adult - how do you propose his dad sources assessments and therapy if he won’t even engage with the DWP for a proper assessment of his work capability. It’s a piss take.

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This. Exactly. Taking the absolute piss. Happy for your husband, you and the rest of us tax payers to keep them. Step in and get that payment stopped OP.

BillieWiper · 23/02/2026 20:08

DotAndCarryOne2 · 23/02/2026 19:23

I know because I work within the system. There’s nothing wrong with receiving gifts towards your children but they have to be declared to UC via the journal. And the figure is not £16k, it’s £6k - the amount at which UC starts to be affected. There are rules about the amount of cash gifts and how often they are paid - and whether they are spent or count towards the running total of capital amassed on the UC journal.

And PIP has nothing to do with the level of MH care you receive, it’s what’s appropriate to your condition. In the thirteen years since PIP was introduced I’ve only ever had a handful of claimants make successful claims on stand alone anxiety and depression, and they have all been because the claimant has either been sectioned, hospitalised or have made an attempt on their own life. There is a very high bar for stand alone MH claims on PIP and in the main claims for anxiety and depression treated by GP alone don’t meet it.

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Ok thank you. So you're a pip decision maker for the DWP?

BruFord · 23/02/2026 19:50

@SpainToday I imagine he’s afraid of the backlash from his ex and his child. They can’t actually force him to pay, but they can make his life miserable.

He's got to deal with it though, setting boundaries is part of parenting.

SpainToday · 23/02/2026 19:45

Sorry if this has been covered, but what does he think would actually happen if he stopped paying?

You often hear men say they’re scared of rocking the boat, but surely at that age there won’t be any consequences?

DotAndCarryOne2 · 23/02/2026 19:29

Tulipsriver · 23/02/2026 13:52

A diagnosis of anxiety and depression (apart from being valid in themselves) can sometimes mask underlying disabilities.

You don't mention the sex of your stepchild, but this is commonly seen in women (largely because doctors seem to prefer throwing labels of stress/anxiety/depression at females rather than investigating properly). But it can also be the case for men.

What has your husband done to support his child to either manage their mental health or get a proper diagnosis of something else?

If he's spent the last few years sourcing assessments, arranging therapy, and giving practical life advice then I have more sympathy for you. But a parent's responsibility towards their child doesn't stop at 18. If your step child has poor mental health and/or a disability, it's right that their dad continues to see them as his responsibility. I'm not saying he should pay child support forever (though it's not unusual for someone with additional needs to stay living at home longer, and this financial burden shouldn't just be their mum's). But he should be helping them source the help they need to either enter the workforce or claim benefits.

If he can game all day in his room he can work. The ‘disability’ is self diagnosed and he’s visited his GP for anti depressants. He’s also been turned down for PIP. The ‘child’ is an adult - how do you propose his dad sources assessments and therapy if he won’t even engage with the DWP for a proper assessment of his work capability. It’s a piss take.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 23/02/2026 19:23

BillieWiper · 23/02/2026 10:01

How do you know she's doing fraud? Just BC you're on UC. Doesn't mean you're not allowed gifts towards your children does it? As long as she's not going over 16k.

Fair enough if they're not eligible for pip. But you can get it for depression and anxiety even if you're not under a psychiatrist. If it means you can't hardly do anything. Some people can't access that level of MH care easily.

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I know because I work within the system. There’s nothing wrong with receiving gifts towards your children but they have to be declared to UC via the journal. And the figure is not £16k, it’s £6k - the amount at which UC starts to be affected. There are rules about the amount of cash gifts and how often they are paid - and whether they are spent or count towards the running total of capital amassed on the UC journal.

And PIP has nothing to do with the level of MH care you receive, it’s what’s appropriate to your condition. In the thirteen years since PIP was introduced I’ve only ever had a handful of claimants make successful claims on stand alone anxiety and depression, and they have all been because the claimant has either been sectioned, hospitalised or have made an attempt on their own life. There is a very high bar for stand alone MH claims on PIP and in the main claims for anxiety and depression treated by GP alone don’t meet it.