To think we are in a relationship?

If he likes kids - and presumably you do if you both choose to spend Xmas with your families because you have young nieces, among other reasons I’m sure, he obviously doesn’t find the concept of kids gross/ annoying/ horrifying etc. If he loves spending time with his niece he may decide one day that he’d like to have a child of his own before it’s too late. It would seem far less likely if he avoided his family gatherings bc there would be a young child there (some ppl are like this) and it would indicate that he would never contemplate having kids of his own.

Ppl can and do change their minds regardless. I was just emphasising that just bc you’re on the same page now regarding this issue you may not be. You may discover you’d suddenly love to have kids yourself but stay with him bc you love him, only to resent him in the future, or worse still watch as he has a family with somebody else.

I think people are just trying to say that there is a possibility, however slight, that you may change your mind (not that you should, must or anything like that) and your options on this will become more limited much before his. It’s up to you what you do of course and these are just things to consider. I’ve certainly known people who’ve said they definitely didnt want children and changed their mind and vice versa. I wish you all the best and just urge caution to protect you not irritate you.

I think some of the comments are harsh and I do wish people would at least read the ops posts as they are coming on and asking her questions she’s already answered.

my concern is does the op want a life time of this, always living alone, no kids, no marriage, just what she has now, forever more. Just dating.

if she’s good with it, then it’s fine, but if she ultimately wants more then she shouldn’t settle and she needs to end it and find someone who wants the same as her,

Maybe you should ask your self what the difference between your situation. Then a couple just seeing each other .
your lives are in know way intertwined you live completely separate life’s .and go on dates and holiday together every now and again .

Is he autistic?

Are you ND as well?

That’s totally dis respectful and show you what he thinks of you op.

I was genuinely asking question to help you work it out .
I know the comments may seem harsh , posters just see what you can’t .

Have you met them since you two got into a “relationship “ ?
Has he introduced you as his g.f partner?

They are if they agree to be .

Have you met his family or friends ? Do you go on date night and out in public ?
Have you any future plans , holidays talk about the future . What he wants what you want ?

You say you’re happy, you are on MN as something must be niggling you . ?

Why cant you talk to him about these things ?
Of course you want to trust and believe in him . However some men are known for future faking . Only you can know the real answers . Or ask him.

I haven’t read the whole thread, just OP’s posts.

IMO the difference is the amount of effort you’d go to save the “connection” through troubles. If another person coming along is enough to end the connection, then it could be a seeing-each-other, early relationship sort of thing. If you fight through all ups and downs to stay together, that would make it more serious.

They go on holiday and to all intents and purposes are in a relationship it is clearly not just sex and a confidante.

If it is commitment that defines a relationship then what defines commitment?

You are desperate for him to be something he's not.

Instead of asking us to define why it isn't a relationship, why don't you ask yourself the definition of a best friend..with benefits, because that's what he is.
All care, no reponsibility. No commitment.

It's the commitment that defines relationships.
Otherwise it's all superficial.

He wants her to sleep with and maybe be a confidante but if he wanted a relationship with her, it would have happened already- it’s been years!

Whoa this is not ok, he clearly does want her, your post even offended me.

He says this op as this gives him the best of both worlds. He gets a girlfriend and all the benefits of that without committing.

I know all about this as my brother does this. On repeat. He did it to a friend of mine for about 6 years. Went on holiday with her. Brought her to the family home. Very much behaved like a boyfriend BUT never was so she was never allowed to make demands on him. He went off with someone else and she was devastated. She tried to call him out and get people to say he had behaved badly but he had always been honest with her and everyone else. I hate this behaviour in him and that he seems to find plenty of women who over look the truth . When I talk to him and ask him to stop he says why as he ia completely honest. He genuinely believes it’s ok.

you can’t trust words/behaviour that don’t match.

im sorry op…

OP you know the Meatloaf song two out of three aint bad ?

There is no need to be defensive in response to our answers - you posted for opinions - the man told you straight - he DOES NOT WANT YOU.

But everyone else has answered ypu even if ypu don't think that poster has.

It really is as simple as it isn't a relationship because he says it isn't. He doesn't see it as a relationship.

If you turned up at Teaco everyday, wearing a Tesco uniform and stood in the fruit and veg aisle you could tell people you work at Tesco. But unless you have a contract with Teaco, you don't work there. You could say, "But what is the difference? I dress like a Tesco employee, I tell people which aisle they can find items in, I tidy the displays when they need it and im happy doing all pf thoose things. Other than the label of employee, how do I not work at Tesco?"

And you'd be right in the sense that you do perform all the functions and roles of a Tesco employee. But you wouldn't be a Teaco employee unless they also said you were.

You'd just be playing the part of one. Their side of the employer/employee relationship would be missing regardless of whether they let you turn up every day and perform that role or not.

I have to agree with others above that if one person says "he is my boyfriend" and the other says "I don't want to put a label on it", they are not "boyfriend and girlfriend" or what I would personally consider "in a relationship". The label is important - clearly, as otherwise why would be refuse to use it all this time if he knows it means a lot to you? But if you don't mind, then it doesn't matter!

His thoughts, feelings and attitude?

I had a fwb for a few years. He was pretty much my best friend. We were in contact several times every day, we saw each other a few times a week, we went on 'dates' (cinema, pub, gigs etc) we went on holidays together. We even talked about how we would spend our retirement together and what it would look like. I loved him platonically and he felt the same and we were exclusive in that neither of us was in a sexual relationship with anyone else but, when one of us started dating someone, there was no jealously, no tears, no upset, no sense of betrayal, no apologies just, "I've met someone. We can't have sex anymore." (It was me, I met someone.)

Everyone who met us asked we were 'together' but we weren't.

Because I didn't want a 'relationship' with him. Yes, we had a relationship. We were good friends who had sex. You have a relationship with everyone you know.

But we weren't committed to each other. Because we weren't in a relationship.

Does he tell you he loves you op? Actually articulate the words in a romantic sense?

and is this what you want from life. To always live alone, no children, no marriage, no one calling you there significant other, or are you settling.

I had an avoidant attachment style,.I'm currently avoidant leaning into secure.

Mine is from my childhood and also from my abusive marriage.

It has taken me years to work on myself and better understand why I'm like I am and to do work to change my style.

I had an FWB that was to all intents and purposes a relationship....only it wasn't as I didn't want it to be. He considered it a relationship but I didn't and when he mentioned us being together I reminded him we weren't.
We did everything you two do but I would not agree to a relationship. Later on I realised how awful I was that I had led him on to think we were in a relationship when I had no intention to be in one.

I dont plan to live with anyone again, not because I'm avoidant but because I love my own space and my home is for me and my children (now adults).
Being in a relationship but living apart is more common in Canada and America but is becoming more common in the Uk. It's usually called LAT (Living Part Together)

As I read the whole thread I was hoping someone would have posted about avoidant attachment style and this is that post.

Read this post again and think about the answers.

You could also read the book called Attached which explains in detail the different attachment styles