To think we are in a relationship?

@Beingabout I have read most of the thread but not all so if I have missed anything then I apologise.

Truth is, you are in a relationship of sorts, and as much as you do a lot of the things you would do in the type of relationship you want with this person, you don't have the relationship you want with this person for one simple reason - acknowledgement.

You have said in some of your posts 'it would make you feel better' - that's the security of knowing that he is on exactly the same page as you. The acknowledgement that you're in this together. This is what you don't have.

I'm not disputing that he has affection for you, possibly even love, you enjoy each other's company, events, outings etc but without the acknowledgement from both sides, this isn't the relationship that you're indicating you want.

You need to ask yourself the question if you're happy with this situation for the rest of your life. I agree that anyone can walk away from a relationship at any point. The difference here is he can do it with a clear conscience, no recriminations, no drawn out dramatic goodbye's. He's made his position clear, the fact that you have chosen to ignore that is on you.

Sorry have you asked him directly what the difference is between what you two are doing and a relationship, in his mind?

Nobody is going to be able to give you a better answer about his stance on this than him!

If you haven’t asked him is it because you’re a bit nervous the answer would be hurtful?

I just can’t imagine not having the conversation, and getting a clear answer, after being together for years and him apparently being loving and kind?

I have a male friend who sounds very much like your partner. Has had several long term relationships which he describes as ‘serial monogamy’ but has no intention at all of showing any outside commitment to his girlfriends in the form of sharing a house, engagement or marriage. That has been fine (to a certain extent) where the girlfriend has their own career, money and housing and doesn’t want children. But when one girlfriend, who he had been dating for 10 years, suddenly lost her income and needed somewhere to live, he basically told her that he didn’t want her to come and live with him, even temporarily. At a really difficult time he simply wasn’t there for her. So, everything is fine when life is going smoothly but what happens in the event of shit hitting the fan? The relationship ended soon after and he moved on to a similar relationship with someone else.

You are right in that this could happen to anyone, married or not, but the feeling that he really wasn’t there in the difficult times made the girlfriend feel she had been nothing more than a FWB.

So why post on the internet asking people to support your view that you’re in a relationship even though your guy friend doesn’t think so, if the distinction is so unimportant?

I have to say that what strikes me in your OP is that the account of the casual flings in your twenties and you starting a relationship with someone else five years ago because this guy didn’t want a relationship, and this guy being ok with that, and then that ending and you telling this guy you’d only see him if he wasn’t also seeing someone else, makes it sound like you’ve always been far more into him, as he had the option of stepping up if he’d been bothered about you starting the other relationship, but that you’re a kind of handy boomerang/default for him.

Because you’ve shown him repeatedly that you’re prepared to overlook your own desire for a relationship to be with him on the terms he prefers. He doesn’t need to worry about what you call it because he’s made his own position, that he’s not in a relationship with you, perfectly clear over the years.

Whether that’s acceptable to you is obviously up to you. I suspect it isn’t entirely, hence the post. But is it really a position you want to be in, in your sixties, say, in what you believe is a relationship with a man who is inwardly congratulating himself on a daily basis on having got through life without a relationship?

He has a lot longer to decide is the only difference

Fair enough, you’re absolutely right. As you say this is a discussion, I’m going to reaffirm my belief that it’s psychological on his part and the label scares him. If you managed to convince him to refer to each other as bf/gf etc you may well find he does a runner shortly after due to the invisible pressure. Many ppl (men) have been known to scarper as soon as they’re married after decades of being with that person as the loss of ‘freedom’ terrifies them so you may have made the right choice. It’s interesting he can’t define how he is different to a bf and the relationship isn’t an official one despite beings one in pretty much everything but name. Good luck

If you have to ask, then he’s not your boyfriend/partner/insert “label”…especially after so much time. If you’re both happy with the arrangement, none of that matters anyway. But if he won’t give a straight answer to a straight question, then I’d consider that confirmation of my original statement.

At this point (and I’ve read the whole thread) I’m beginning to think this is a wind up.

Apologies if this has already been asked but if someone asks what’s your status does he call you his girlfriend or say he’s in a relationship with you?

For the record, there is obviously absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting kids, I just hate the idea of men having their cake and eating it. Not fancying it in their 20s, 30, into their 40s and the women who love them put aside what they want, or feel they are on the same page as them, then suddenly get the rug pulled when they bloke decided he actually wants them after all, or his head is turned by someone 10/20 years younger at work or down the pub, who really wants them, and goes along with this as it’s a deal breaker. Men who have avoided kids have been known to change their minds for all kinds of reasons and can end up living with women who have kids of their own bc they want to shag these women and get a roof over their head.

You're ok to respond on the points about children OP, which is absolutely fair.

I would gently point out though that you're responding to that, (which is a load of people who can't see beyond marriage-kids life) but less drawn to respond on the attachment styles issue and what it might say about your own attachment style.

If you feel you live as if in a relationship, but know that he would definitely say you aren’t in one, why not just ask him ‘what’s the difference between our situation and a relationship in your mind?’

I don’t understand why you’re sharing your life with someone who you can’t ask that to and / or won’t give you an answer? It’s a fair question and he know that his stance on relationships is unusual as he has family and friends he will have seen taking a more traditional approach.

So happy that you aren’t in a relationship but posting to asking people to tell you that you are? That sounds very happy to me.

Ok, I hadn’t picked up on your age, apologies. You seem very clear in your mind. You may not realise but your replies sound like you are shouting back at people. I only offered some thoughts to consider that I hoped might be helpful. Clearly they are not but they were offered in good spirit.

I have three friends who did exactly this at 39, 40 and 41 so it does happen

My point was, how would you feel if he did, and you’d wasted all the time between when you could have built something more meaningful with someone else? If you’re happy with the situation, with no plans for the future and the prospect of him leaving you suddenly with no accountability and wanting to remain friends (but without benefits) appeals to you, that’s obviously great. No one can predict the future, but he sounds a commitment phobe and if he’s not reliable on this front, what else will he flake out of bc it makes him uncomfortable?

I think he doesn’t want to label it to keep his options open. This may be in terms of a better prospect coming along, or if he decides to stop seeing OP altogether, or up sticks and move somewhere for a fresh start that doesn’t include her.

If they aren’t in a ‘relationship’ he’s not a bad person if he ends it. Whatever it is. He can end it whenever he wants without the emotional blowback of what he presumes would head his way if it was a formally recognised thing. OP will be being unreasonable if she’s upset or takes it out on him - he never promised her anything, it’s not his fault she got overly invested.

I’d have more respect for his position if he expressed discomfort at being described as her bf. He clearly wants all the benefits of a relationship without any of the heavy stuff and to be able to walk away whenever he wants with zero repercussions. Maybe he intends to stay with her for life and the anxiety around the label is merely psychological. Not very settling if you’re the other person tho, particularly regarding the future.