To think we are in a relationship?

Where do you eat, have sex etc? I had keys to my DPs, so he didn't have to be home when I was staying. In another relationship, he had a key to mine, he helped with my dog. We were partners, even though we lived apart. Each of us could rely on the other, regardless what life threw at us, we were each other's priority. But ultimately, you sound a lot happier than a lot of married couples I know.

Thanks for clarifying and sorry for getting the wrong end of the stick. It sounds like he’s just scared of labelling the relationship. If you’re both happy with where you stand, then leave it as it is.
If you want more, such as living together or possibly marriage you will have to sit down and have a serious conversation with him, so you know exactly what he thinks and where you stand moving forward.

Yes they can. But it’s much harder to leave if your lives are entwined and there are more repercussions. You sound as though you are trying to convince yourself that you are cool with the situation but in reality you are upset that he won’t call you his girlfriend or partner as most people would be.

You are giving him your time, your affection, your investment and he won’t call you his girlfriend or his partner? That’s hurtful. He’s not even giving you an explanation. He’s expecting all the advantages of being in a relationship without giving you any degree of significance. You’re not his next of kin, you’re someone he likes to hang out with, spend time with but with no plan for the future, just for today.

If that’s good enough for you then fine but fast forward 10 or 20 years from now and think about how you might feel if he still doesn’t regard you as his partner…

Yes, they can. But ending a relationship and ending a FWB set up, as someone who’s done both, and had it done to me in both, are completely different. Because in a FWB, you can just say ‘Look, I’ve met someone’. No further explanation needed. Goodwill on both sides, even if the person who didn’t end it would have preferred it to continue because it was easy and enjoyable, and they hadn’t encountered anyone they liked the look of or were t ready to start dating. Relationships, on the other hand, don’t usually end with one party waving the other off and wishing them luck.

You keep saying this and on the surface it's true. But at least speaking for myself, while just dating l was prepared to immediately leave if he said/did the wrong thing, I got a job in a different country, or I simply lost interest. Now that I'm married, I would go to counselling, give things time, and basically only leave if he became abusive or cheated. So for me there is a massive difference in the level of commitment between a situationship/casual relationship and marriage.

Value yourself more than this. Yes it likely does represent a relationship in all but name but it is a situationship if he does not view it as a relationship.

He wants the freedom of a single man but the convenience of a girlfriend. Just be crystal clear to him what you want and give him a chance to respond definitively. Then you can act accordingly.

FWB is whatever the 2 people involved want it to be, for some it is exactly try as you describe but for others it is definitely not

A few years ago when I first became single after my marriage ended I had a long term FWB and we did everything you mention FWBs don't but what was clear was that we were both on the same page and both knew it was FWB.

We used to message all through out the day, support each other, have holidays, I met his family etc

We only ended as I wanted to explore more sexually and he didnt.

To be quite honest he sounds a bit messed up.

You have some very strong, and not necessarily accurate views about FWBs which you seem to need to hang onto in order to differentiate them from your current situation. Many FWBs are exclusive to one another, and while some only meet to have sex, others are certainly also absolutely friends, and communicate a lot, go away together, support one another in bad times etc. They're just not in a relationship with the FWB, and can end the arrangement at any point with no questions asked.

Op, has he previously been married?
Apologies if i’ve got the wrong end of the stick, but it’s hard to tell from this post as it’s not clear if you’re referring to him being married or in a relationship when in his early 20s.
If he has, regardless of the fact it ended, he has made a commitment in the past & proposed to someone else, do you know for sure that is why the marriage ended?
As if he were married he would’ve been in a relationship & engaged etc beforehand so would know if he didn’t enjoy being in a relationship before getting married? Therefore that doesn’t make sense to be the reason why the marriage ended.

In my opinion after all of these years he would at least be calling you his girlfriend or partner if he felt something more, like he did when with someone else when in his early 20s.

The more I think about it I guess rather than it being ‘just’ a label that’s missing, it’s really the agreement that’s missing. A relationship is when two people agree that they’re on the same page about their status. That’s what’s missing here - agreement, consensus, on the same page-ness.

And I really don’t think that in a fundamentally healthy relationship one person can earnestly ask a question that’s important to them (in this case ‘what’s the difference between what we are doing and a relationship, in your mind?), the other person doesn’t actually answer and the person who asked the question accepts that as the end of the conversation.

What does he call you to his friends and family?

Go and do some reading on attachment styles. He sounds like he's very much the avoidant type. He's happy to go along with it, but in his mind he's not committing to anything with you. So he'll feel as if he can end the 'relationship' for any reason (or no reason at all) without feeling any guilt about it. He'll stick with you while it's convenient, but he's given no indication that he won't just walk away whenever he feels like it. His previous words and actions have made that very clear, he's not tried to disguise it or mislead you. You're a convenience to him rather than a passion.

It sounds a bit like place marking. A couple of my friends do all this but sex, companionship wise. Now she’s got a bf and he sees her far less and she does all the things they used to do together socially with him. It’s obvious he feels a bit disappointed, but they were never ‘official’

For me, commitment is a choice and doesn't need any labels. Labels come with expectations and norms which not everyone fit into. Except of OP noone here knows this guy and almost everyone jumps to the conclusion that he is not fully into her, using, her, wants to keep his options open just because he doesn't like labels.... you can be as caring and loving and committed in just being yourself - without an extra title of boyfriend or girlfriend or husband/wife...
There is no guarantee for a secure future in anything.
We should be able to voice when life has changed and we want to move on in a relationship or in a situationship or marriage or work relation the same way. A label doesn't define whether this guy will be on OPs side through good and bad... Commitment is a personality thing and not a label I say.
I avoid labeling, the man in my life introducese me by my name and the other way round. That we are committed to each other and our values is not a question for him nor for me because it shows itself through our actions...

Sounds like you’re old friends with benefits.
end of story.
is that’s what you want then great. I think it is what he wants.
if you yearn for more, for a boyfriend/partner/husband- then you’re wasting your time here.

I can’t imagine a happy, healthy relationship where you directly ask someone a question that’s important to you, they ‘don’t really answer’ and you just shrug your shoulders and accept it. Surely you say well can you elaborate? He must have an opinion if he feels so strongly about not calling a long term arrangement a ‘relationship’.

My partner loves and cares for me so if I ask him something that’s important to me, he’d be respectful enough to answer. I’d do the same for him.

I don’t think it’s very nice or decent of your partner to not engage with the conversation when he knows that his stance is very unusual.

Honestly op I wouldn't sweat it. If he's happy and you're happy then the labels don't matter.

Do you want more? Do you want to live together, go to family functions and be part of his family? Do you want his claim of ownership on you? Do you want to see more of him? Is there anything missing?

If you're genuinely happy with the way things are, I'd just accept for him they a relationship means something he can't commit to but he's here now. I just would ensure you're financially seecure and emotionally have resources other than him. Because he isn't promising to be there foreve