To think we are in a relationship?

If he is saying you aren't in a relationship, you aren't. No matter how much you feel that you are acting like you are.

Whether that matters to you, is up to you. It might not bother you, for all the reasons you mention, but the fact it doesn't bother you doesn't mean it's a relationship.

Personally I would be most concerned about why he wouldn't want to commit to being in a relationship with you (as it seems to be what you want given you are calling him your bf and arguing you are in a relationship) but if that doesn't bother you I guess you are free to carry on as you are. I do wonder though why you are so insistent on calling this a relationship (despite his stance) if you aren't bothered.

I'm wondering, OP why you left him for another man if you're happy with things the way they are?

I think his lack of labels and public recognition are signs OP

All you have posted here shows you are confused. He has freedom from it (whatever it is) and you don’t.

I think you are naive to think this is an equal relationship, it’s obviously not enough for you.

Sometimes there are threads where the OP asks 'aibu?' and 95% think that indeed they are being unreasonable. The OP argues that she/he is right and everybody else is wrong and on it goes for pages.

Then someone comes along and posts
something that is taking the OP's 'side' but instead has the effect of a bucket of cold water to the OP's head that makes them realise that they are indeed being unreasonable.

This here is that post. 😁

(I mean no offence at all but very few people want to be 'companions'. Especially if young-ish.)

You are in an unconventional relationship. My uncle had a similar arrangement: a life long “companion” who he adored but they didn’t live together, never had children and never married. They were happy.

My take on this is that it's really easy to end a non-cohabiting, no kids, no mortgage, no marriage relationship where you are just boyfriend and girlfriend (or partners if you prefer that word.)

Personally I couldn't bear to be with a guy who didn't like me enough to commit to at least being a girlfriend OR so freaking pathetic that he wouldn't commit to something that, let's face it, can be practically ended in 5 minutes. Teenagers manage it all the time.

It would indicate that he was a coward who couldn't bear the slightest stress.

He's either not that into you or a complete wet lettuce.

What you’re doing that’s different to a relationship is that usually in a relationship, both people agree they are in a relationship. However in your case, one of you doesn’t agree you’re in a relationship.

That’s what it boils down to really I think? It feels like you don’t want to accept any answers as valid but surely that one is?

This is a good way of putting it.

I have a couple of friends who've been 'married' for 30+ years.

Except they're not. They tell everyone they're married, they behave as though they are married. He has taken her name and all the children have that last name.

But, legally, they are not married and their relationship has none of the legal standing or protection a marriage would have.

It looks like a marriage but it isn't.

On a day to day level that doesn't matter and maybe it never will. That's not the point of my comment. The point is that it has all the hallmarks of a marriage but it isn't actually a marriage. Because they're not married.

Well, what you are 'doing' might not look very different at all.

But it's the feelings and intent behind it that count. It's not a relationship because he keeps telling you that it isn't.

Maybe but your thread isn't about how you see the relationship is it? It's about how he sees it.

He could feel exactly the same way about you as I felt about my fwb 🤷🏻‍♀️

And given that he keeps telling you it isn't a relationship, he doesn't want a relationship and doesn't really engage in conversations about it...

Not to be blunt but you’ve known him in the region of 20 years and don’t know if you’re in a relationship or not. People are judging by what you’ve written. Either way to have him actively say you’re not in a relationship is to be cruel. It’s reasonable for people to come to the conclusion that hes stringing you along because even you’re confused

Some men can act very differently depending on the woman they are with, a smart woman would not accept this state of things and would have addressed his avoidance when her influence was the strongest, also, you are doing the legwork for your successor, showing him all the good sides of a relationship, explaining it why it matters etc. Maybe you ll convince him, but you ll wear him out and he ll go try it with a new model.

It is starting to eat you up after x years despite pulling a solid lid on it considering your replies, it won’t get better. Don’t spend another 10y on him, because either he ll have left or you ll be at the same place, with him but deeply dissatisfied, frustrated and insecure.

Sorry OP

He’s telling you you’re not in a relationship. No one can tell you differently. We don’t know him or you. I think you need to have a direct and honest conversation with him. If he tells you you’re not then get out. This man knows how you feel. You call him your boyfriend etc and so he knows your feelings are possible stronger than his & he’s playing with them. If he is serious then he’s being cruel by not giving you validation on your feelings & if he isn’t he’s stringing you along for his own selfish reasons, either way his behaviour is not ok especially from a man heading towards his 40’s. He sounds like a man child

communicating well and ensuring he knows that he would lose her if he doesn't manage himself better!

Ah yeah, you don't know how to communicate well so he suits you.

Well maybe he doesn’t see it as a relationship as you don’t have a shared life/are not committed to each other in any way.

You don’t live together and live quite separate lives and are just seeing each other.

Most people I would say, see each other then when they love each other, work towards a more shared life together.

It may be your decision; however, if you met someone else who you were attracted to and was exactly like this man but who was prepared to fully commit so that you didn't need to come on mumsnet to ask this question.... would there be no temptation?

Most people acknowledge their commitment to the person they want to spend the majority of their life and time with because rightly or wrongly it is part of how our society functions. On that note, why do you feel the need to refer to him as your boyfriend if it doesn't matter or mean anything? Why not just call him your friend?

What is 'different' is that he doesn't consider it a relationship. Considering it a relationship is what makes a relationship a relationship. So even if you're doing all the 'relationship things' that doesn't make it a relationship. I guess the most you could say is "We have something like a relationship"

It's kinda like if you were to put a ring on and say "We are married". You could have all the 'trappings' of marriage, but that doesn't make it 'a marriage'.