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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think we are in a relationship?

440 replies

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:20

We are in our late 30s. We’ve been friends since we were teenagers. We had several casual flings with each other throughout our 20s. About six years ago we started seeing each other more often, but he didn’t want a relationship.

Five years ago I met someone else, and given the stance of not wanting a relationship, I went out with him and ended up in a relationship with him. I gave the first man every opportunity to stop it but he didn’t. Anyway, we broke up after a few months and the first man and I ended up back in touch. I made it clear at this point that I was only interested in being back in touch if we weren’t going to be seeing anyone else, which he agreed to.

Since then we’ve become closer and closer. I trust that he’s not, and is not interested in, seeing anyone else. He's supportive and caring (which it’s fair to say he wasn’t in our 20s). He’s thoughtful and kind. We go on holiday together and exchange Christmas and birthday presents. I have started to refer to him as my boyfriend, which he knows about and doesn’t seem bothered about.

He woukd still say we’re not in a relationship. I can’t see how this isn’t a relationship?

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:55

Thatsalineallright · 22/02/2026 18:53

Well for starters I know my DH will be there for me if I get sick. I know he will support me when I'm feeling down. We talk about growing older together and what we want our retirement to look like. We're raising children together. Basically, we've promised each other permanence. We're in each other's lives for the long haul, not just 'good enough for now'.

If you don't want any of that then that's fine, of course. Keep seeing this man. But if you want something long term then you need to move on.

Edited
Show quote history

I know he’d been there if I was ill. I said in the OP that he’s extremely supportive. We talk about plans together years into the future. I’m not sure what I would want him to promise me other than what he’s already doing.

OP posts:
AltitudeCheck · 22/02/2026 18:55

What do you mean by a relationship OP? I have a relationship with my friends, my boss, my family and my boyfriend... they're all types of 'relationship' with a dynamic and rules/ boundaries etc. So yes, by that definition you have a relationship.

Many people see a 'relationship' with someone they're exclusively sleeping with as a step towards meeting their friend group and meeting their family, being a 'couple' in those people's eyes, then living together, having children, marriage, growing old together and supporting each other as they grow older... it doesn't sound as though he sees you becoming that person to him.

Viviennemary · 22/02/2026 18:54

He has commitment phobia. If someone else comes along along he'll be off and you won't see him for dust. Take the initiative and get rid of him now, you deserve better.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/02/2026 18:54

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:51

He wouldn’t, and you don’t know him.

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You can’t even tell if you are in a relationship with him so neither do you really.

4ad4ever · 22/02/2026 18:54

Why do you think it is that he’s so reluctant to admit that you are in a relationship (sort of)?

ONTHEPREMISES · 22/02/2026 18:54

Yes you are in a relationship. But what you should be asking is what kind of relationship?

It sounds like what he means is it's not committed to any loyalty or to any future and he's able to opt out at any point without guilt of having indicated it was more, as as when he chooses.

Which is fine if you are fine with that type of relationship.

Sounds appalling to me.

Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:53

TwistedWonder · 22/02/2026 18:51

So why keep going back to a man who has told you loud and clear he doesn’t want a relationship with you?

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I went back once, after I’d left him for another man.

OP posts:
TittyGajillions · 22/02/2026 18:53

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:51

He wouldn’t, and you don’t know him.

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But he won't even say he's in a relationship with you, why do you think that is?

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 22/02/2026 18:53

Do you want to get married and have children? If you do, ask him if he does too.

If you’re happy to carry on exactly as you are, then do that. No one here is going to stop you. You just seem to want more from this than he does. Has he ever had a girlfriend?

Thatsalineallright · 22/02/2026 18:53

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:45

Promises of what?

Show quote history

Well for starters I know my DH will be there for me if I get sick. I know he will support me when I'm feeling down. We talk about growing older together and what we want our retirement to look like. We're raising children together. Basically, we've promised each other permanence. We're in each other's lives for the long haul, not just 'good enough for now'.

If you don't want any of that then that's fine, of course. Keep seeing this man. But if you want something long term then you need to move on.

Arlanymor · 22/02/2026 18:52

The one clear defining feature of a relationship is that both people agree it is a relationship - the rest is just details such as what you call each other etc.

So this isn’t a relationship because he doesn’t want one.

I think he’s been honest with you and is just treading water. If you’re happy with that then crack on but don’t confuse it with a relationship, because it’s not.

Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:52

TwistedWonder · 22/02/2026 18:49

Exclusive ones are

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If they’re exclusive then they’re not friends with benefits.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 22/02/2026 18:51

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:50

I am not obsessed with him, and he wouldn't think I am.

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So why keep going back to a man who has told you loud and clear he doesn’t want a relationship with you?

Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:51

TittyGajillions · 22/02/2026 18:42

He'd drop you like a hot brick if someone better came along!

He wouldn’t, and you don’t know him.

OP posts:
momager22 · 22/02/2026 18:51

You seem rather defensive op.
fine, crack on then 😂

Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:50

cinnamongirl123 · 22/02/2026 18:40

Jesus OP you’re in your LATE 30s, wasting your time with someone you’ve known since you were a teenager and shagged throughout your 20s, asking us if you’re in a relationship or not?

In the gentlest way OP:
-No, you’re not in a relationship if one of the parties doesn’t want to be in a relationship. You’re in something, but it’s not a relationship, it’s friends with benefits, no strings attached.
-You’re late 30s OP - raise your standards, have some self-respect, stop running after this guy who doesn’t care about you in the way you want him to. Learn to be happy alone. That way you’ll be open and available for someone else to enter your life. But please please please raise your standards, because they are pretty much gutter-level at the moment.

There very much are strings attached though.

OP posts:
Thatsalineallright · 22/02/2026 18:50

Honestly OP, this man will drop you like a hot potato as soon as someone 'better' (i.e. younger) comes along. He won't promise anything long term or permanent. He does not want to grow old with you or build a life with you.

To be fair to him it sounds like he's been very clear about that. It's up to you if you want to be with him knowing that he doesn't love you. It's your decision to make.

Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:50

TwistedWonder · 22/02/2026 18:38

Have to concur with other PP. He’s not interested in a LTR with you. He knows you want more do it suits him to keep you as his FWB while there’s no one else on offer. The fact he didn’t fight for you when the other man was on the scene tells you how bothered he is.

You’re convenient for sex and company - nothing deeper. He knows you’re obsessed with him and so it’s zero effort for him.

You’ve wasted enough years waiting for something that’s never gonna happen

Edited

I am not obsessed with him, and he wouldn't think I am.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 22/02/2026 18:49

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:48

Friends with benefits aren’t faithful to each other.

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Exclusive ones are

Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:48

CinnamonBuns67 · 22/02/2026 18:34

As others have said OP, it would seem he is wanting a FWB/situationship. If you really want to know where you stand, ask him how he views what is going on between you. You'll get your answer one way or the other, if you are not happy with the situation and being just FWB instead of relationship/commited long term partner then you need to change your situation by walking away from it.

Friends with benefits aren’t faithful to each other.

OP posts:
IfThen · 22/02/2026 18:48

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:47

He’s a man I trust is being faithful, who’s supportive and caring and thoughtful, who I love spending time with, enjoy having sex with, and he makes me very happy. Which standard should I raise?

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If that’s all you want, why are you posting?

Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:47

FuzzyWolf · 22/02/2026 18:31

I don’t think you are in a relationship. Have some self respect and talk to him. Find out what he thinks and feels, and end things if it’s not what you are happy with.

How am I lacking self respect? I am very happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:47

BuffetTheDietSlayer · 22/02/2026 18:24

Oh dear. You’re an easy shag for him, that’s all.

Raise your standards.

He’s a man I trust is being faithful, who’s supportive and caring and thoughtful, who I love spending time with, enjoy having sex with, and he makes me very happy. Which standard should I raise?

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:45

TheMorgenmuffel · 22/02/2026 18:29

You're in what i think is called a situationship.

He is very clear with you.

You could ask him what in his mind constitutes a relationship.

I expect he'll talk about being faithful, living together, sharing money, building a life together etc.

Whereas you are two people to hang out, keep each other company and fuck.

No commitment, no promises.

A stopgap.

Promises of what?

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:45

BauhausOfEliott · 22/02/2026 18:24

He wants to fuck other people. He just sees you as a FWB.

He hasn’t slept with anyone else for years, and isn’t going to. I am absolutely sure that he is being faithful.

OP posts: