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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think we are in a relationship?

440 replies

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:20

We are in our late 30s. We’ve been friends since we were teenagers. We had several casual flings with each other throughout our 20s. About six years ago we started seeing each other more often, but he didn’t want a relationship.

Five years ago I met someone else, and given the stance of not wanting a relationship, I went out with him and ended up in a relationship with him. I gave the first man every opportunity to stop it but he didn’t. Anyway, we broke up after a few months and the first man and I ended up back in touch. I made it clear at this point that I was only interested in being back in touch if we weren’t going to be seeing anyone else, which he agreed to.

Since then we’ve become closer and closer. I trust that he’s not, and is not interested in, seeing anyone else. He's supportive and caring (which it’s fair to say he wasn’t in our 20s). He’s thoughtful and kind. We go on holiday together and exchange Christmas and birthday presents. I have started to refer to him as my boyfriend, which he knows about and doesn’t seem bothered about.

He woukd still say we’re not in a relationship. I can’t see how this isn’t a relationship?

OP posts:
Madarch · 22/02/2026 19:09

Does he love you?
Do you love him?
Ask him where he thinks your thing is going and what it'll be in 5 years time.
I think you need some clarity and to work out whether you're wasting your time on something that's going nowhere.

Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 19:08

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 22/02/2026 19:05

Then it sounds like you’re happy with the arrangement.

Why did you start this thread? Obviously anyone can start a thread about anything but what prompted you to start this? Did you just want everyone to jump on and say “of course you’re boyfriend and girlfriend!”?

That’s not meant to come across as an accusation or rude. Genuinely what is it that makes you pause?

Show quote history

I was just musing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 19:07

Howarewealldoing · 22/02/2026 19:00

you clearly don’t want to hear the truth , he has told you and everyone else. That you are not in a relationship . If you are happy that’s fine , but don’t be delusional and accept it for what it is .
Doesn’t mean he won’t leave you in the further, when he does meet someone he wants to be in a relationship with . Just because he hasn’t done it yet . And all he has to say is I always told you we as not in a relationship.

Anyone can leave someone for someone else.

OP posts:
EnchentButteler · 22/02/2026 19:07

You aren't in a relationship if the other person in the relationship doesn't think you are in a relationship with them.

You want to be in relationship but he doesn't. You can't make him be in a relationship just because you want to and define relationships by your standards. By his you're not. And if you're having are we/aren't we conversations and he knows what your standards are and still says he's not then really you need to listen to him and respect his wishes.

AngelinaFibres · 22/02/2026 19:07

Does he tell you he loves you.Do you say it to him.
When he introduces you to people does he say " Hi X this is my girlfriend Y" or does he fudge around it " Hi X this is Y" with no specific reference to what your status is.

Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 19:07

BuffetTheDietSlayer · 22/02/2026 18:59

He’s those things to you, but what are you to him?
Stop crawling after a relationship with a man that’s made it clear he isn’t intrested in a relationship with you.
If a man wants you as a partner, he will very clearly let you know.

Show quote history

How am I crawling after him, exactly?

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 19:06

Thatsalineallright · 22/02/2026 18:58

Well ok then, if you don't want more than what you two have at the moment, then sounds like there's no problem?

Show quote history

No problem, I was just musing about why he’s reluctant to say he’s in a relationship, but perfectly happy to act as if he’s in one.

OP posts:
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 22/02/2026 19:05

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:56

I don’t want children. I’m indifferent to marriage.

He has, in his early 20s. He broke up with her because he didn’t enjoy being in a relationship.

Show quote history

Then it sounds like you’re happy with the arrangement.

Why did you start this thread? Obviously anyone can start a thread about anything but what prompted you to start this? Did you just want everyone to jump on and say “of course you’re boyfriend and girlfriend!”?

That’s not meant to come across as an accusation or rude. Genuinely what is it that makes you pause?

Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 19:05

IfThen · 22/02/2026 18:57

Certainly they often are! It’s for many people a way of having easy enjoyable sex with a friend, so you don’t have to go out looking for it, know you’re not shagging someone riddled with STD, or with incompatible kinks. I was ‘faithful’ to both my longterm FWBs, in that I wasn’t having sex with other people. The trade off was that if either of us entered a relationship, there was no commitment to the FWB. It ended, with no questions asked or ire. The first time, he ended it after a couple of happy, unproblematic years to enter a relationship with a woman he stayed married to for 16 years, the mother of his kids. The second one, I ended things to enter a relationship with my now -DH. I got married with two witnesses, but both FWBs attended my big wedding party and we’re still in touch. Both were positive, friendly, unproblematic ways of having sex without romantic commitment.

Edited
Show quote history

To get to the stage if entering a relationship with someone else suggests that neither of you were being faithful (other than sex itself).

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 19:03

ohyesido · 22/02/2026 18:57

If he’s saying you’re not in a relationship despite everything, then it’s highly likely that he’s having the girlfriend experience with you while keeping his options open.

that means he can flirt with other women and tell you that you have no right to complain.

if I were you I’d stop having sex with him until he starts giving you the respect you deserve

I can’t imagine he’s flirting with any other women. It’s fair to say that he is not a player.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 19:02

AltitudeCheck · 22/02/2026 18:55

What do you mean by a relationship OP? I have a relationship with my friends, my boss, my family and my boyfriend... they're all types of 'relationship' with a dynamic and rules/ boundaries etc. So yes, by that definition you have a relationship.

Many people see a 'relationship' with someone they're exclusively sleeping with as a step towards meeting their friend group and meeting their family, being a 'couple' in those people's eyes, then living together, having children, marriage, growing old together and supporting each other as they grow older... it doesn't sound as though he sees you becoming that person to him.

We’ve met each other’s friends and family a million times over many years.

OP posts:
Cookingupmyfirstbornson · 22/02/2026 19:02

If he wanted to be in a relationship with you he'd call it a relationship.

Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 19:01

4ad4ever · 22/02/2026 18:54

Why do you think it is that he’s so reluctant to admit that you are in a relationship (sort of)?

I don’t know. I think he's got some sort of strange issue with the word. He’s happy to be faithful, to speak several times a day, see each other often, support me, obviously thinks about me frequently and buys me gifts he thinks I’d like, books holidays, confides in me. But he seems to have a strange issue with the word relationship. In moments of armchair psychologist moments I wonder if it is to do with his childhood.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 22/02/2026 19:01

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:52

If they’re exclusive then they’re not friends with benefits.

Show quote history

Of course they are if that’s what both parties agree to.

I know loads of exclusive FWB who don’t want a full on relationship but don’t want casual sex.

FWB are whatever you agree they are.

Howarewealldoing · 22/02/2026 19:00

you clearly don’t want to hear the truth , he has told you and everyone else. That you are not in a relationship . If you are happy that’s fine , but don’t be delusional and accept it for what it is .
Doesn’t mean he won’t leave you in the further, when he does meet someone he wants to be in a relationship with . Just because he hasn’t done it yet . And all he has to say is I always told you we as not in a relationship.

IfThen · 22/02/2026 18:59

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:52

If they’re exclusive then they’re not friends with benefits.

Show quote history

Absolutely they are. Many are.

BuffetTheDietSlayer · 22/02/2026 18:59

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:47

He’s a man I trust is being faithful, who’s supportive and caring and thoughtful, who I love spending time with, enjoy having sex with, and he makes me very happy. Which standard should I raise?

Show quote history

He’s those things to you, but what are you to him?
Stop crawling after a relationship with a man that’s made it clear he isn’t intrested in a relationship with you.
If a man wants you as a partner, he will very clearly let you know.

nam3c4ang3 · 22/02/2026 18:58

So op - has he explicitly told you that you are in a relationship?

Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:58

ONTHEPREMISES · 22/02/2026 18:54

Yes you are in a relationship. But what you should be asking is what kind of relationship?

It sounds like what he means is it's not committed to any loyalty or to any future and he's able to opt out at any point without guilt of having indicated it was more, as as when he chooses.

Which is fine if you are fine with that type of relationship.

Sounds appalling to me.

Anyone can opt out of any relationship at any time.

He is committed to loyalty, if my loyalty you mean being faithful.

OP posts:
Thatsalineallright · 22/02/2026 18:58

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:55

I know he’d been there if I was ill. I said in the OP that he’s extremely supportive. We talk about plans together years into the future. I’m not sure what I would want him to promise me other than what he’s already doing.

Show quote history

Well ok then, if you don't want more than what you two have at the moment, then sounds like there's no problem?

Mydahliasareshit · 22/02/2026 18:58

Why are you asking for opinions if you are happy?
He's said you are not a couple. That's quite something. He's very cocky and sure of you.

So you have a choice. Continue with this shit, or start seeing other people. No need to tell him, as you're not 'his'.

IfThen · 22/02/2026 18:57

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:48

Friends with benefits aren’t faithful to each other.

Show quote history

Certainly they often are! It’s for many people a way of having easy enjoyable sex with a friend, so you don’t have to go out looking for it, know you’re not shagging someone riddled with STD, or with incompatible kinks. I was ‘faithful’ to both my longterm FWBs, in that I wasn’t having sex with other people. The trade off was that if either of us entered a relationship, there was no commitment to the FWB. It ended, with no questions asked or ire. The first time, he ended it after a couple of happy, unproblematic years to enter a relationship with a woman he stayed married to for 16 years, the mother of his kids. The second one, I ended things to enter a relationship with my now -DH. I got married with two witnesses, but both FWBs attended my big wedding party and we’re still in touch. Both were positive, friendly, unproblematic ways of having sex without romantic commitment.

ohyesido · 22/02/2026 18:57

If he’s saying you’re not in a relationship despite everything, then it’s highly likely that he’s having the girlfriend experience with you while keeping his options open.

that means he can flirt with other women and tell you that you have no right to complain.

if I were you I’d stop having sex with him until he starts giving you the respect you deserve

BillieWiper · 22/02/2026 18:57

Well you're not in a relationship in any meaningful sense if one person out of two alleges they're not in one.

He wants all the good things about being with someone without the commitment. Anyone that goes out with someone but won't call it a relationship is not serious. So you're wasting your time in a big way with this one.

Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:56

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 22/02/2026 18:53

Do you want to get married and have children? If you do, ask him if he does too.

If you’re happy to carry on exactly as you are, then do that. No one here is going to stop you. You just seem to want more from this than he does. Has he ever had a girlfriend?

I don’t want children. I’m indifferent to marriage.

He has, in his early 20s. He broke up with her because he didn’t enjoy being in a relationship.

OP posts: