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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think we are in a relationship?

440 replies

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:20

We are in our late 30s. We’ve been friends since we were teenagers. We had several casual flings with each other throughout our 20s. About six years ago we started seeing each other more often, but he didn’t want a relationship.

Five years ago I met someone else, and given the stance of not wanting a relationship, I went out with him and ended up in a relationship with him. I gave the first man every opportunity to stop it but he didn’t. Anyway, we broke up after a few months and the first man and I ended up back in touch. I made it clear at this point that I was only interested in being back in touch if we weren’t going to be seeing anyone else, which he agreed to.

Since then we’ve become closer and closer. I trust that he’s not, and is not interested in, seeing anyone else. He's supportive and caring (which it’s fair to say he wasn’t in our 20s). He’s thoughtful and kind. We go on holiday together and exchange Christmas and birthday presents. I have started to refer to him as my boyfriend, which he knows about and doesn’t seem bothered about.

He woukd still say we’re not in a relationship. I can’t see how this isn’t a relationship?

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 19:26

ONTHEPREMISES · 22/02/2026 19:16

Yes anyone can leave a relationship.
But there is then an expectation that you 'break up' inform them and others of the change in status etc.

There is usually a lot of emotion and disappointment about the end of something.

If he doesn't think he's in a relationship he does have to end it or get involved with the emotion of an 'ending'.

He just does what he wants, and walks off as if it's nothing to you.

This would absolutely not be the case. He would, of course, have to ‘break up’ with me, and he would definitely know that would cause quite a few emotions.

OP posts:
Random321 · 22/02/2026 19:26

If a man wants you, it's extremely clear.

You don't have to question it, doubt it or think about it.

You're basically grand for now but the minute a better option cones along, he's gone and you'll be left hurt.

Why not have the conversation? This isn't good enough for me. I want a proper relationship and given you don't want that we'll have to part ways.

The blunter version of this is "I've no longer happy with being treated so poorly".

Ohyeahitsme · 22/02/2026 19:25

This seems really odd and I'd be asking what difference he sees between what you guys have and a relationship.

I think his answer will either make him realise you are in a relationship or will enlighten you as to whether this is a path you want to continue down.

Mischance · 22/02/2026 19:25

I am not sure why you are asking. If you want to know exactly where you stand then I think you should ask him. Tell him what you want and if he can't supply it then move on.

All this about describing him as your boyfriend and he didn't seem to mind is a bit obtuse really and hardly a proper basis for LTR if that is what you are wanting.

IfThen · 22/02/2026 19:24

ONTHEPREMISES · 22/02/2026 19:16

Yes anyone can leave a relationship.
But there is then an expectation that you 'break up' inform them and others of the change in status etc.

There is usually a lot of emotion and disappointment about the end of something.

If he doesn't think he's in a relationship he does have to end it or get involved with the emotion of an 'ending'.

He just does what he wants, and walks off as if it's nothing to you.

Yes, I wasn’t ‘breaking up’ with my FWB when I met DH. I just let him know as a courtesy that I was ending the arrangement. It wasn’t in any way an emotional situation. It was an easy, friendly civilised default mode for us both that got us regular sex either someone we liked while we weren’t looking for a relationship while we were both very busy with another part of our lives. I was doing a PhD, he was a medical student.

SittingNextToIt · 22/02/2026 19:22

You are not in a relationship and you are not his girlfriend.

Madarch · 22/02/2026 19:22

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 19:12

Where else would it go though? We don’t want kids. We both own our own homes and are happy living alone

Show quote history

Dunno. He might see himself somewhere else entirely.

His reluctance to call it a relationship does suggest he's hedging his bets as others have said previously

SomedayIllBeSaturdayNight · 22/02/2026 19:22

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 19:06

No problem, I was just musing about why he’s reluctant to say he’s in a relationship, but perfectly happy to act as if he’s in one.

Show quote history

I'd guess, because then he doesn't owe you anything. If he is single he is perfectly free to do whatever he wants any time he wants with whoever he wants and you can't say or do anything about it because you're not in a relationship.

Missj25 · 22/02/2026 19:22

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:20

We are in our late 30s. We’ve been friends since we were teenagers. We had several casual flings with each other throughout our 20s. About six years ago we started seeing each other more often, but he didn’t want a relationship.

Five years ago I met someone else, and given the stance of not wanting a relationship, I went out with him and ended up in a relationship with him. I gave the first man every opportunity to stop it but he didn’t. Anyway, we broke up after a few months and the first man and I ended up back in touch. I made it clear at this point that I was only interested in being back in touch if we weren’t going to be seeing anyone else, which he agreed to.

Since then we’ve become closer and closer. I trust that he’s not, and is not interested in, seeing anyone else. He's supportive and caring (which it’s fair to say he wasn’t in our 20s). He’s thoughtful and kind. We go on holiday together and exchange Christmas and birthday presents. I have started to refer to him as my boyfriend, which he knows about and doesn’t seem bothered about.

He woukd still say we’re not in a relationship. I can’t see how this isn’t a relationship?

What do you mean by “ he would still say we are not in a relationship “?
He doesn’t mind you referring to him as your bf though ?, sorry but I’m confused 🤷🏻‍♀️.
You say you holiday together, what about weekends, do you spend them together doing stuff ?

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 22/02/2026 19:21

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 19:13

Yes, quite a few times. He can never really answer.

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This is your answer. He doesn’t want to call you his girlfriend. He doesn’t want to name it. If you’re happy to carry on that way, go for it. If you want more than that, move on to someone else.

ONTHEPREMISES · 22/02/2026 19:20

He's keeping his options open.

ONTHEPREMISES · 22/02/2026 19:17

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 19:14

I honestly don’t know, I’m obviously not there. He knows I refer to him as my boyfriend, but I don’t know what he does.

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For the love of God Ask Him.

myrosegoldlife · 22/02/2026 19:16

I’ve been where you are OP.
Eventually he decided he did want to label us as “girlfriend and boyfriend”. Somehow in all of the second guessing I’d been doing I believed he was “the prize” and I was so lucky to be the woman he chose as his girlfriend after years of being single after his divorce.

Turns out, even then the label meant nothing and the only thing he was committed to was himself and his needs. Still slept around with other women behind my back (until I caught him). I could barely believe it would be possible given how much time we spent together, but he managed it.

I wish I’d have walked away the first time he ever had me questioning “what” we were….

ONTHEPREMISES · 22/02/2026 19:16

Yes anyone can leave a relationship.
But there is then an expectation that you 'break up' inform them and others of the change in status etc.

There is usually a lot of emotion and disappointment about the end of something.

If he doesn't think he's in a relationship he does have to end it or get involved with the emotion of an 'ending'.

He just does what he wants, and walks off as if it's nothing to you.

IfThen · 22/02/2026 19:15

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 19:10

What is the difference between what we are doing, and what we are doing plus him using the word relationship? It doesn’t change anything, so I can’t see the difference.

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Again, if you’re perfectly happy with what you’ve got, are happy to live alone, not marry or have a CP, aren’t interested in having children, are ok with recognising that you’re the only one who thinks you’re in a relationship — why are you posting? You’ve got everything you want. You don’t need the official title of girlfriend or mirror wills or rings or public recognition.

Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 19:15

IfThen · 22/02/2026 19:13

Oh, OP, you really are deluded. I wasn’t in a relationship with my FWB, I was single, so sexual ‘fidelity’ was the only relevant type of fidelity. I wasn’t dating because I wasn’t looking for a relationship. When I met my now -DH, I wasn’t looking, but I knew I’d found someone I was going to be serious about. I ended the second FWB situation before I’d even gone on the first date with him. No recriminations, or disappointment. He said ‘You know where I am if it doesn’t work out!’ and wished me luck.

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Okay?

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 19:14

ONTHEPREMISES · 22/02/2026 19:10

How does he refer to you when he speaks to friends/ colleagues etc.

Would he say I'm going to Chester with my girlfriend/ friend/ partner?

I honestly don’t know, I’m obviously not there. He knows I refer to him as my boyfriend, but I don’t know what he does.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 19:13

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/02/2026 19:10

Have you asked him?

Show quote history

Yes, quite a few times. He can never really answer.

OP posts:
IfThen · 22/02/2026 19:13

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 19:05

To get to the stage if entering a relationship with someone else suggests that neither of you were being faithful (other than sex itself).

Show quote history

Oh, OP, you really are deluded. I wasn’t in a relationship with my FWB, I was single, so sexual ‘fidelity’ was the only relevant type of fidelity. I wasn’t dating because I wasn’t looking for a relationship. When I met my now -DH, I wasn’t looking, but I knew I’d found someone I was going to be serious about. I ended the second FWB situation before I’d even gone on the first date with him. No recriminations, or disappointment. He said ‘You know where I am if it doesn’t work out!’ and wished me luck.

Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 19:12

Madarch · 22/02/2026 19:09

Does he love you?
Do you love him?
Ask him where he thinks your thing is going and what it'll be in 5 years time.
I think you need some clarity and to work out whether you're wasting your time on something that's going nowhere.

Where else would it go though? We don’t want kids. We both own our own homes and are happy living alone

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 19:10

EnchentButteler · 22/02/2026 19:07

You aren't in a relationship if the other person in the relationship doesn't think you are in a relationship with them.

You want to be in relationship but he doesn't. You can't make him be in a relationship just because you want to and define relationships by your standards. By his you're not. And if you're having are we/aren't we conversations and he knows what your standards are and still says he's not then really you need to listen to him and respect his wishes.

What is the difference between what we are doing, and what we are doing plus him using the word relationship? It doesn’t change anything, so I can’t see the difference.

OP posts:
ONTHEPREMISES · 22/02/2026 19:10

How does he refer to you when he speaks to friends/ colleagues etc.

Would he say I'm going to Chester with my girlfriend/ friend/ partner?

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/02/2026 19:10

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 19:06

No problem, I was just musing about why he’s reluctant to say he’s in a relationship, but perfectly happy to act as if he’s in one.

Show quote history

Have you asked him?

Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 19:09

AngelinaFibres · 22/02/2026 19:07

Does he tell you he loves you.Do you say it to him.
When he introduces you to people does he say " Hi X this is my girlfriend Y" or does he fudge around it " Hi X this is Y" with no specific reference to what your status is.

He tells me and shows me.

I’m not sure he’s ever introduced me to anyone in the past few years. I’m not sure what he’d say.

OP posts:
UniversityofWarwick · 22/02/2026 19:09

I wrote this thread about ten years ago. Didn’t listen to anyone then and you won’t now.

But the advice I’ll give you is the same I wish I’d listened to then: run, and don’t look back. If he thought enough of you he’d declare you to be his gf.