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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think we are in a relationship?

440 replies

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:20

We are in our late 30s. We’ve been friends since we were teenagers. We had several casual flings with each other throughout our 20s. About six years ago we started seeing each other more often, but he didn’t want a relationship.

Five years ago I met someone else, and given the stance of not wanting a relationship, I went out with him and ended up in a relationship with him. I gave the first man every opportunity to stop it but he didn’t. Anyway, we broke up after a few months and the first man and I ended up back in touch. I made it clear at this point that I was only interested in being back in touch if we weren’t going to be seeing anyone else, which he agreed to.

Since then we’ve become closer and closer. I trust that he’s not, and is not interested in, seeing anyone else. He's supportive and caring (which it’s fair to say he wasn’t in our 20s). He’s thoughtful and kind. We go on holiday together and exchange Christmas and birthday presents. I have started to refer to him as my boyfriend, which he knows about and doesn’t seem bothered about.

He woukd still say we’re not in a relationship. I can’t see how this isn’t a relationship?

OP posts:
LogFireBurning · 22/02/2026 21:46

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 21:35

I don’t know why people have assumed. The question was literally asking how it isn’t exactly the same whether he calls it a relationship or not.

Show quote history

Because the fact he doesn't call it one and doesn't want to call it one indicates that it isn't one whether you think it is or not. Because it takes two people to have a relationship.

If it's just that a relationship to him means marriage and kids and he just has a really narrow definition of A Relationship then that could be different but, to most people, not calling it a relationship and being adamant you don't want a relationship usually means it's not a relationship. And does imply an emotional limitation.

myrosegoldlife · 22/02/2026 21:46

The right person/man for you will never have you going onto an internet forum to ask people for opinions on the situation.

If he’s happy not to put a relationship status on it, then presumably he wouldn’t mind you going and meeting someone who does want to make you his girlfriend?

icouldholditwithacobweb · 22/02/2026 21:44

YABU to be asking random strangers on the internet if you're in a relationship, vs asking your partner or whatever he is.

You want to be in a committed & acknowldged relationship. Ask him for his POV. If he still refuses to say you're in a relationship, talk about that. You are both old enough that you can be open and honest with each other instead of getting defensive about this on the internet to strangers. Talk to him. Make it known you need the pair of you to be on the same page. If it's not a relationship to him for some weird reason, don't bury your head in the sand about it. On the other hand, if you don't feel the need for him to say you're in a relationship, why tf are you on here asking a bunch of strangers?

OrlandointheWilderness · 22/02/2026 21:43

If you asked him directly ‘are you my boyfriend?’ What would he say?

Forty85 · 22/02/2026 21:43

Maybe in his mind he considers it a "relationship" when you live with someone, share finances, get married etc and because you don't do that he doesn't consider it a relationship. Which is obviously ridiculous. So when he says he doesn't want a relationship he means doesn't want to live with someone, share finances or get married.

You're definitely in a relationship obviously.

Arlanymor · 22/02/2026 21:41

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 21:37

Literally just the label then? That’s what I thought.

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That's not what I said at all. I said: "YOU have built up this idea that you are together in all but name." YOU think that it all comes down to a label.

It's much more than that - if you can't see that then no one on here can help you. Try as we might. And ignore it as much as you do.

You're heading for such heartbreak and we are all trying to prevent that from happening. But hey, horse to water and all that I guess.

CraftySeal · 22/02/2026 21:40

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 21:13

We are on the same page for the future. We don’t want kids, we’re both happy in our own houses.

He would say he doesn’t want a relationship ever. He was in one years ago and he finished it because he didn’t want to be in a relationship.

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Thanks for answering. I find this a very interesting thread, and your question and situation an intriguing one.

It feels like because you want to be in a relationship and he doesn't, there is something "missing" there, but at the same time from your replies to other posters it seems that there is nothing about your situation with him that is inherently unsatisfying to you? Is it just the lack of him being willing to call it a relationship that makes you somehow wary? Why? How would you feel if he said "yes OK we're in a relationship and you're my girlfriend", and why? What would it change for you in terms of satisfaction/expectations?

Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 21:39

crumpet · 22/02/2026 21:26

If he says that he’s not in a relationship then it means that he feels no responsibility to you at all if he decides to “split up” - he wouldn’t even see it as splitting up given that he’s been clear it’s not a relationship.

Dont kid yourself that he wouldn’t. It’s just that it suits him not to leave you at the moment. You’re fine for “right now”, but not someone he’s prepared to clearly commit to for the future.

doesn’t mean he’s not nice to you, but it does mean that he doesn’t at this point in time see a long term future with you. It’s as simple as that.

He talks about the future and makes plans for it. He’s not some player who gets his leg over wherever he can and enjoys the bachelor life.

Anyone can leave anyone at any time. I am confident he has no intention of walking away though, and I’m confident he’s not interested in meeting anyone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 21:37

Arlanymor · 22/02/2026 21:21

The fact that he doesn't want to be in a relationship.

That half.

The fact that you have built up this idea that you are together in all but name - it's a delusion, it really is. You might be masquerading a relationship, but you're not in one.

Please really read what people are saying on this thread, they are trying to help.

Show quote history

Literally just the label then? That’s what I thought.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 21:36

AmethystH · 22/02/2026 21:21

You know that this isn’t right or how you want it, Op. you’d love to say he’s officially yours. Why pretend and act nonchalant about it?

I do say he’s mine. I call him my boyfriend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 21:35

LogFireBurning · 22/02/2026 21:33

It's the same in the sense that it isn't a relationship, surely?

Anyway, whatever, it's up to you.

Why have you posted just to argue with people? If you're happy with things the way they are, great.

People on here don't know him or you and can only go by the words you have chosen to use to describe your situation. So there's little point in getting snippy with people if you haven't communicated well enough for a single person to.understand why this not a relationship is actually a relationship.

It actually makes no difference to anyone here whatsoever. People have assumed you are unhappy with it and that is why you have posted and are trying to support you.

That's all.

Show quote history

I don’t know why people have assumed. The question was literally asking how it isn’t exactly the same whether he calls it a relationship or not.

OP posts:
LogFireBurning · 22/02/2026 21:33

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 21:19

There is both passion and love between us so this is not the same at all.

Show quote history

It's the same in the sense that it isn't a relationship, surely?

Anyway, whatever, it's up to you.

Why have you posted just to argue with people? If you're happy with things the way they are, great.

People on here don't know him or you and can only go by the words you have chosen to use to describe your situation. So there's little point in getting snippy with people if you haven't communicated well enough for a single person to.understand why this not a relationship is actually a relationship.

It actually makes no difference to anyone here whatsoever. People have assumed you are unhappy with it and that is why you have posted and are trying to support you.

That's all.

crumpet · 22/02/2026 21:26

If he says that he’s not in a relationship then it means that he feels no responsibility to you at all if he decides to “split up” - he wouldn’t even see it as splitting up given that he’s been clear it’s not a relationship.

Dont kid yourself that he wouldn’t. It’s just that it suits him not to leave you at the moment. You’re fine for “right now”, but not someone he’s prepared to clearly commit to for the future.

doesn’t mean he’s not nice to you, but it does mean that he doesn’t at this point in time see a long term future with you. It’s as simple as that.

Arlanymor · 22/02/2026 21:21

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 21:18

What is the half that I am missing?

Show quote history

The fact that he doesn't want to be in a relationship.

That half.

The fact that you have built up this idea that you are together in all but name - it's a delusion, it really is. You might be masquerading a relationship, but you're not in one.

Please really read what people are saying on this thread, they are trying to help.

AmethystH · 22/02/2026 21:21

You know that this isn’t right or how you want it, Op. you’d love to say he’s officially yours. Why pretend and act nonchalant about it?

Random321 · 22/02/2026 21:19

I'm sorry but you are really deluded.

You can't see it for what it is because you don't want to.

Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 21:19

LogFireBurning · 22/02/2026 20:58

I have a friend. He's 73. We met when he was in his late 50s.

When I met him, he had a 'lady friend'. They'd been 'together' for around 6 years. 6 years of being each other's companion, sexual partner, the person the other went on holiday with, to the theatre and gigs with, always each other's plus 1 etc

He spoke kindly of her but never fondly. There was no passion or love but they also ticked along nicely... she wasn't his girlfriend amd he didn't consider them to be in a relationship other than one of convenience.

We talked about it one day and I asked him if he was happy. He basically said he'd made peace with the fact he was probably never going to feel 'love' or a 'spark' again or whatever and it was nice to have the company and not feel lonely. They didn't argue, and it was comfortable. I asked if she felt the same. He said he didn't know - they never discussed the relationship they werent in! But he suspected that she wanted more - a proper relationship where they could.plan their retirements and to grow old together.

I told him I didn't think he was being fair to her. She was basically in your shoes.

Anyway, he ended it following that conversation. I felt a bit guilty about that! But, it gave her the chance to meet someome who did love her amd want a relationship with her. And he went on to fall in love and remarry.

If he does not think you are in a relationship, you are not in a relationship regardless of how much you convince yourself otherwise.

Don't fool yourself that he must have feelings for you if he is having sex with you.

There is both passion and love between us so this is not the same at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 21:18

Arlanymor · 22/02/2026 20:51

Yes I was wondering that too. Also many posters have made the very salient point that when someone is head over heels for you, they cannot wait to 'put a label on it' - it's certainly been my experience in past relationships. The more the OP protests about how happy they are the more hollow it all sounds. Like a half life if that makes sense?

Show quote history

What is the half that I am missing?

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 21:17

SittingNextToIt · 22/02/2026 20:31

OP what do you want out of this thread?

You asked a question about whether you are in a relationship. Literally every poster has said you are not. The more you’ve replied and described your situation the more posters have said “no”.

You appear to believe you are in a relationship. It is what you clearly wish to believe and possibly genuinely have convinced yourself.

Fine. The entire thread disagrees with you.

What do you want exactly?

It’s a chat forum. I’m just chatting about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 21:17

outerspacepotato · 22/02/2026 20:22

The thing is though, I absolutely don’t doubt that he wants me.

Girl. That means nothing. Men will bang a corpse.

He may enjoy having sex with you.

You have a casual thing going. That's it.

But he doesn't want to blend his life with you. He's not proud to show you off to family and friends. You're there as late ng as he wants you there.

If that's all you want, you're good. But chances are he's going to meet a woman at some point that he is not casual about and that will be the end of your casual situation. Or maybe you'll meet someone who can give you more than this guy because this thing, it's superficial. It's convenient and that's what friends with benefits is, convenient.

Show me off? I am not a show dog.

I know his family and friends and have done for 20 years.

We are not friends with benefits.

He does not like the idea of a relationship, not a relationship with me, regardless of what people who do not know him say.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 21:14

WhenRealityHits · 22/02/2026 20:16

If you have to ask anonymous people on MN if you are in a relationship, you already know the answer is no you're not.

Don't get pregnant or you may find yourself a single mother.

I will not find myself a single mother.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 21:13

CraftySeal · 22/02/2026 20:09

This is the real question I would be concerned with. I'd also want to know if he wanted a "relationship" at some point in his life, or considered himself to have had one in the past. What does he think would be different about your current situation for it to be considered a relationship?

I think there's generally too much concern with labels, what counts is actions and behaviour, not promises which can be broken and labels that can be dissolved at any time. But it's interesting that he takes it to an extreme resistance of labels.

Would you want the same things for the future, eg children/none, living together/not, spending holidays and significant events together/not. That's another question.

Edited
Show quote history

We are on the same page for the future. We don’t want kids, we’re both happy in our own houses.

He would say he doesn’t want a relationship ever. He was in one years ago and he finished it because he didn’t want to be in a relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 21:11

AmethystH · 22/02/2026 20:08

Sorry if I’ve missed this Op - do you want to get married/ have children in the future?

I don’t want kids. I’d be open to marriage but I don’t actively want to get married.

OP posts:
LogFireBurning · 22/02/2026 20:58

I have a friend. He's 73. We met when he was in his late 50s.

When I met him, he had a 'lady friend'. They'd been 'together' for around 6 years. 6 years of being each other's companion, sexual partner, the person the other went on holiday with, to the theatre and gigs with, always each other's plus 1 etc

He spoke kindly of her but never fondly. There was no passion or love but they also ticked along nicely... she wasn't his girlfriend amd he didn't consider them to be in a relationship other than one of convenience.

We talked about it one day and I asked him if he was happy. He basically said he'd made peace with the fact he was probably never going to feel 'love' or a 'spark' again or whatever and it was nice to have the company and not feel lonely. They didn't argue, and it was comfortable. I asked if she felt the same. He said he didn't know - they never discussed the relationship they werent in! But he suspected that she wanted more - a proper relationship where they could.plan their retirements and to grow old together.

I told him I didn't think he was being fair to her. She was basically in your shoes.

Anyway, he ended it following that conversation. I felt a bit guilty about that! But, it gave her the chance to meet someome who did love her amd want a relationship with her. And he went on to fall in love and remarry.

If he does not think you are in a relationship, you are not in a relationship regardless of how much you convince yourself otherwise.

Don't fool yourself that he must have feelings for you if he is having sex with you.

Arlanymor · 22/02/2026 20:51

SittingNextToIt · 22/02/2026 20:31

OP what do you want out of this thread?

You asked a question about whether you are in a relationship. Literally every poster has said you are not. The more you’ve replied and described your situation the more posters have said “no”.

You appear to believe you are in a relationship. It is what you clearly wish to believe and possibly genuinely have convinced yourself.

Fine. The entire thread disagrees with you.

What do you want exactly?

Yes I was wondering that too. Also many posters have made the very salient point that when someone is head over heels for you, they cannot wait to 'put a label on it' - it's certainly been my experience in past relationships. The more the OP protests about how happy they are the more hollow it all sounds. Like a half life if that makes sense?