To think we are in a relationship?

If someone says you’re not in a relationship then you’re not… it requires consent to be in an established relationship.

@Beingabout

So I'm trying to see this from my own 'perspective', sort of putting myself in his place as it were. I'm newly-ish separated and do not foresee ever wanting to be in a 'relationship' ever again.

So what if I met someone whose company I enjoyed? I can see where I'd like having all the benefits of a relationship without using 'that word'. I mean fidelity, companionship, holidays, sharing our day to day lives, maybe even planning for a nebulous future. But I wouldn't want to call it 'a relationship', per se. So what would I call it? I have no idea, I don't think there's a word for it. But I wouldn't title it 'a relationship' because that implies pledging more of my 'self' than I would want to give. If I was in an actual relationship, I would give all of my 'self'.

In 'not a relationship' I would feel a little more 'free'. It wouldn't be a conscious thing I don't think, it would just be 'there'. In 'a relationship' there is more of a sense of 'belonging' to the other person and them 'belonging' to you. In 'not a relationship' that sense would be absent.

So I think yours is a Schroedinger's Relationship. It neither is or is not a relationship 'on its surface'. It all depends on which of you is looking in the box. You look in and see a relationship. He looks in and does not.

ASK HIM.

you're a grown adult.

@Beingabout apologies if this has already been mentioned, but this sounds like classic avoidant attachment to me. Look up attachment theory by John Bowlby. And you’re right - the roots are in childhood. You might find it very enlightening and helpful for you. It may help you better understand him.

I can believe many of the things you say because I was also in a ‘relationship’ like this once. I can believe he has feelings for you and yet his very avoidant behaviour has created this. It’s a painful place to be in (I found it to be anyway).

I left him. And years later I learnt he referred to me as his ex-girlfriend. (It was easier for him to say it in the past tense. Yet so difficult at the time….)

Literally

OP why don't you speak to him instead of getting snappy with everyone who offers an opinion. And for what it's worth, no it isn't a relationship, it's sex on a plate.

You want to know if this amounts to a relationship but I guess it depends on what that means to you and to him. To you the situation amounts to relationship but it seems not to mean that to your friend/BF/partner. And I think that’s the thing to get to the bottom of. You seem to be saying it’s a relationship but he just doesn’t want to use the word and if that’s the case what is holding him back from using that word? If you want to have a long term intimate relationship there needs to be honest and open communication. Clearly there is a sticking point here for him- why? I’m not judging him but if he can’t articulate why then he need to find a way to do so because you can’t be left guessing. Otherwise he will always be holding a part of himself back and you will always be chasing that and it will be exhausting.

Well my conclusion is that you are in a relationship. It's not like there's some specific definition of "relationship" that you don't fit.

You and he both seem happy with your situation in practical terms, you broadly agree on what you want from the future together.

But on a deeper emotional level there is a mismatch and the question is how deep does that go.

• You would "prefer" him to acknowledge it's a relationship even though it wouldn't change anything in practical terms. Presumably it would change something emotionally for you though, like give you some reassurance about his feelings or intentions? How much will it niggle away and cause unhappiness to you if he continues indefinitely saying you're not in a relationship?

• He doesn't want to be in a relationship because...he doesn't want to be in a relationship. That's so opaque. What is it about being in a labelled "relationship" that he dislikes so much? Is it something to do with feeling a lack of personal freedom, and if so is it in terms of monogamy, or factoring someone else into life decisions, or money, or compromising over stuff, or living up to expectations, or does he want to be able to keep his options open to move on without guilt if he finds someone he prefers?

To be honest I don't think I could be with this guy if I didn't know precisely why he didn't want to be a "in a relationship" and decide whether I was OK with that reason or not.

I know people who have romantic partners but don't want certain levels of commitment (which I guess you could term a relationship), but the key thing is they're able to articulate why and what their boundaries are, so everyone knows where they stand. I think he owes you that.

He doesn’t want the label of relationship, he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you OP. That is the difference. That prevents it from being a relationship. You are free to pretend that it is a relationship, but in reality it isn’t.

why ask a question if you don’t want to hear the truth . You are not in a relationship that takes two people and he does not agree .
A relationship unreturned is not a relationship.

I’m now convinced you’re posting to wind everyone up - if you are truly happy and content - why are you asking! Then to argue with everyone who says otherwise. Bizarre. Hopefully he isn’t stringing you along while waiting for a partner who he won’t mind calling his GF - because he’s certainly not calling you his partner/gf but you don’t see to see this. In the meantime - you seem happy so not sure what the point of this thread is.

He sounds like a 15 year old boy. How is this attractive?

I am going to go about this another way because I am not getting through.

He says it is a not a relationship.
You come online to ask people if it is.
He's already told you it is not.

That's what you're missing.

You are on bere asking US if you're in a relationship? You should be asking HIM, and if his answer is anything other than an immediate "yes", you are being taken for a ride.

When you say he talks about/makes plans for the future, what does he talk about?

There are generally two people in a relationship.

If one of those people says it's not a relationship then it's not a relationship.

So to answer your question, yes, YABU to think you're in a relationship when he's categorically stated that you're not.

It isn't a relationship because he says it isn't. He's putting a limitation on it.