To think we are in a relationship?

If you have to as if he's your boyfriend, he's definitely not your boyfriend luvvy.

He won't say he's in a relationship with you so that, when he meets the person he really likes, you can't accuse him of cheating or make him out to be the bad guy. Please stop wasting your life in this situation, it will never be what you want it to be.

The word faithful should not even enter your head in this situation. He simply has not found his future mate is all.

Stop thinking about this with emotion. He's not that into you.

I was in a FWB situationship for five years. As soon as he found his future wife, he respectfully called me (at work - awkward) to tell me and I wished him well.

She was unfaithful before he married her and I was his ear and gave him advice. Did I love him? Yes. I adored him. Could I have built a life with him? No. He would have driven me around the bend.

You have blurred lines that should never be blurred. Step back and heal and move on.

You've asked us what we think you are missing aside from the label, and have had some good answers.

The thing you are missing is a man who would own his own emotions, who has insight into himself, and is skilful enough to talk about how he feels. This is a hard person to be around - and it hurts you. You love one another, you make yourselves emotionally vulnerable to one another, yet there is something that feels off in his emotional openness to you. He has explicitly told you he's holding back- and isn't able to, or refuses to, discuss it properly. You ask and he "fudges". And then what happens? You drop it, right? So your emotional needs aren't being met. Ypu're not allowed/able to pursue a line of questions that are important to you. You're not being your true self.

That's a dangerous place to be, because you then are making yourself satisfied living with a limit on where YOU can go emotionally. You aren't safe to share everything and have it heard and held by him.

I don't care about words and trappings, but in this case it's not the lack of label that's the problem, it's that you aren't getting the opportunity to grow and develop in relationship with another being. I don't mean in "a" relationship, that has to include an escalator towards shared finance and kids and marriage etc. I mean "in relation to" another human, you aren't having true closeness.

Your responses are - not flippant exactly, but always quite casual. You have an air of protecting yourself, not deeply sharing your emotions with us on the thread either. Not that you should deeply share with us randoms. Who in your life do you share your innermost deep self with?

I don't care about this dude. But how about YOU? what do you get from being with someone avoidant? You get to keep a part of yourself safe and untouched too, in fact, while having just enough closeness to nourish you a little bit. It's never quite enough nourishment. But going for more is scary to you.

I find men are quite simple creatures. If they’re into you, they generally can’t stay away from you and make it clear how they feel. They don’t play stupid mind games generally. If they’re not that into you then they’ll likely fuck you if they find you hot enough and will be willing to string you along so long as it suits them but they won’t officialise it and will stop as soon as they’re bored or someone more interesting comes along.

Afraid to say I think this guy falls into the latter half. Childhood trauma can affect commitment but usually it’s more simple than that, he sees you as a fuck buddy.

He might not be actively seeking someone else, but agree with the pps who have said he's keeping his options open. He's likely indifferent to the idea of a relationship and doesn't want to shag around, but still wants regular sex if he can get it without too much hassle.

However, if he met someone he had mind blowing chemistry with, I'm sure he would agree to label it a relationship if it was a deal breaker for them and not doing so meant that he would lose them. It sounds like he's fond of you, but if you getting with another man, didn't prompt him to say look we should stop messing about and just be in a relationship together, it's not going to happen. If you're ok with that, then carry on as you are. If you're asking the question, then maybe a part of you isn't as cool with the situation as you think.

You say you're open to the idea of marriage, even if you're not necessarily actively seeking it. In the next few years, you may find yourself increasingly wanting that security. If a part of you is hoping this guy will suddenly profess his love and want to commit to you, you may find you've missed the opportunity to have a meaningful relationship with someone else.

It's just a label.... I don't need to give anyone a label when I introduce them, we all have names, why not use them? Why the need to call someone boyfriend/girlfriend husband/wife? I experienced the dynamics of a "relationship" changing the moment a label was put on it because of other people's expectations what a "real" relationship/marriage has to look like..for some people (including me) it puts pressure onto something that was perfectly fine, harmonious and committed up until then....some people just don't want to be put into boxes or be labeled...so what...if you are living your best life as it is enjoy it... You are calling him his boyfriend and he doesn't mind...it does not matter how he refers to you...his actions speek louder than words I would say. I absolutely hate it when someone introduces me as his girlfriend or wife at that time.... It gives me the feeling I am reduced to an expectation and I am not seen as an individual being.... that's just me.... nothing wrong with it....

I spent too long with a man with "commitment issues". Eventually my father talked to me about how there was no future in the relationship and asked me whether there was the slightest sign that he considered me the one! I turned myself inside out being the perfect "girlfriend" - I wore out myself looking glamorous at all times, being supportive and charming about business entertaining and never complained about anything - that included six hours on a boat on a fishing trip where I wasn't sure if I was going to die of seasickness or the cold first. I was educated, financially solvent and was called beautiful on more than one occasion by people who were not family members. Despite all this, I was not the one as far as he was concerned.

A few months after we broke up I met the man who is the love of my life.

My husband willingly went through a religious marriage service in my faith, which was not his. He did this because he wanted to make me happy. He was also happy to introduce me to family and friends as his girlfriend, then fiancé and eventually wife. It was just so easy and straightforward and we were engaged within a year and that was over 30 years ago. He buys me pink champagne to make me happy when he is a red wine drinker. Both of us felt that we were part of a team and we were there for each other. Even if you are indifferent to marriage and don't want children, you should feel that you are a team. I don't think that you OP necessarily feel like that with this man you have known for over 20 years. He can't actually bring himself to say that he is in a relationship with you.

Then what’s the point of your post?

Agree.

Stop giving him what ‘he wants’ with no commitment.. why does he need to commit to you? He’s got it all anyway…

You're kidding all of us, right? How old are you again?

Its 2026 and women are still out here with their head up this far in their behind?

He’s a man I trust is being faithful, who’s supportive and caring and thoughtful, who I love spending time with, enjoy having sex with, and he makes me very happy. Which standard should I raise?

So, he claims it’s not a relationship. After 6 years of what you see as an exclusive relationship, does he want to live together, share finances, build a shared future? If not, then I’d listen to him when he says it’s not a relationship.

On his eyes firs relationship mean living together and he doesn't want that?

Does he think labelling it puts pressure on him to conform in some way?

Who would he want to make decisions around his health if he wasn't able to decide ?

@Beingabout Ive had a similar situ. I was 'seeing' a man who had a block about using the words relationship or commitment. It puzzled me for a while and I did question him a lot. He'd say he was happy with me but not in a relationship or making a commitment. Eventually it turned out he had preconceptions about these words. His parents had been unhappy together for 60 years and he was scared of getting trapped like them. Once we had redefined " relationship' and 'commitment ' to be meaningful to us he was happy to be in a committed relationship! He thought commitment was staying together regardless of how unpleasant either one of us were to the other. Years later, still together, using our own, joint understanding of the words.

It’s not much of a relationship if one of you refuses to admit they’re in a relationship is it? On one hand, it sounds like you’re fine with it (I wouldn’t be) and on the other you’re on AIBU asking other people’s opinions about it, so you can’t be that fine.

I personally think that you should raise your standards and want to be with someone who is as into you as you are into them. This bloke won’t even admit you’re in a relationship with each other. What happens if he meets someone else? He’s got no loyalty to you, in his mind he isn’t cheating because he’s not actually, technically your boyfriend.

I agree with the poster who mentioned avoidant attachment which presents as someone who is ‘commitment-phobic’ and keen to create distance between themselves and others even if it is in name only. He may act as though he is in a relationship but he’s not going to admit to himself (or others) that he’s in one.

Two things to be cautious of here. Firstly, ask yourself whether this really suits you? You have come to accept it because you enjoy being with him but is it what you really want? Are you compromising?

Secondly, people can occasionally change their minds when they meet ‘the one’. After years of not committing, they suddenly do because they meet someone who says “Hang on, this isn’t enough for me” and they know they have to commit fully or lose a significant other.

If you are happy having separate homes and a large degree of separateness then fine. However, be careful you aren’t compromising your own needs and wants for this person. It may feel fine now but what about in 20 years when you are that much older and heading towards retirement?

People with avoidant attachment tend to get exactly what they need. They are in control. The people who are ‘with’ them may not get what they need or want at all.

He doesn’t want children but the salient points that may be difficult to hear are NOW and WITH YOU.

You mentioned both wanting to spend Xmas day with your young nieces - so he doesn’t hate children, the opposite in fact if he actively wants to spend such an important day with her doing family things.

If you have decided you absolutely don’t want children and can be as certain as possible top won’t in the future, fine. But how will you feel if your boyfriend suddenly decides he does actually like the idea of being a dad, before it’s too late (for him)? He has the option and safety net of fathering kids decades after you will be forced to draw a line under becoming a mother. It may be he’s aware of your ticking clock and panicking bc he’s not ready right now - for fatherhood or to tie himself to you for as long as a child would need you to co-parent. But he only has to wait another few years, less than 10 for that to be taken permanently off the table - for you.

This is something you’ve agreed between you bc you’re happy with the situation, you love him and believe he shares this feeling and you’re in it for the long term on equal terms. You’re not on equal terms. He will always have the advantage unless he becomes sterilised. Where will you be if he decides in 5 or 10 years time that he’s finally ready to take the plunge before it’s too late?

Or if, like many men who can’t face the prospect of growing up and ageing, he sees an opportunity to feel younger by starting a relationship with a younger woman who may want kids and he goes along with it bc he doesn’t want to lose her? You can’t possibly predict how you’ll feel years from now, let alone somebody else. If there’s any chance you may want a family - leave now and seek the opportunity with someone else or even alone. He may have a complete change of heart during a midlife crisis that you won’t see coming and that will be it anyway.

Every relationship is a risk but don’t risk losing the opportunity to have kids if that’s what you may want in the future, and be aware that his feelings may change regarding this massive decision.

I have a friend in his early 40s who is single but thought he had got a woman in a casual relationship pregnant a few years ago. He told her he was absolutely not interested in becoming a father or co-parenting with her. He didn’t see it as long term and didn’t want to be tied. I assumed he wasn’t bothered about children, but just a couple of years later he went on a few dates with a woman ten years younger who ended it for various reasons. I asked if he’d consider kids if that’s what she wanted and he said absolutely yes. It wasn’t that he don’t want kids he didn’t want them with that other woman or at that time.

Protect yourself OP.

It sounds like either he has an avoidant attachment style from childhood (which might mean he loves you but is very anxious about relationships) and/or he's not that into you (watch the movie He's Just Not That Into You)

Well, when you know you are in one because you’ve talked about it, it means you don’t sit around musing and asking randoms if you’re in a relationship. Knowing your own relationship status is fairly normal, it lets you know where you stand with someone and stops you wondering.

You are asking here so obviously want to know. It holds some importance to you as you wouldn’t be thinking about it. I think you’re trying to pretend you’re not bothered, but you wouldn’t be asking if you weren’t. Don’t settle for someone who can’t give you something that you actually want.

Do you want children?

We would have no idea if you are or are not, I presume you 2 are the only ones who know so what does he say when you asked him?

I mean you have asked him haven't you?

You're not in a relationship because he doesn't consider you to be so. You aren't his girlfriend, and so he is not in a relationship with you. You're friends with benefits in his eyes.

As such, you spend a good deal of time together, as well as being intimate...but being in a relationship requires a degree of emotional commitment that he's not willing to engage in if he's refusing to call it a relationship. That ties in with him not caring if you call him 'your boyfriend', but being unwilling to call you 'his girlfriend'. He is unwilling to commit emotionally to you for some reason, but is happy for you to feel emotionally committed as that doesn't disadvantage him.

So when you say, 'how is it not just a relationship without the label?' then the answer would be that he is holding you emotionally at arm's length, not committing to you, and seems happy to continue doing so, so the emotional dynamic is totally different to a relationship. (Out of curiosity, does he tell you he loves you in a clearly romantic love sense?)

If you're both happy being in this sexually exclusive (which isn't uncommon, given how common STIs are) friends with benefits arrangement, that's great!

But it's clear that he doesn't consider you to be his girlfriend, rather a close friend he has sex with, while you obviously desperately want him to be your boyfriend, so I'd just be aware of that emotional power imbalance if I were you.

The thing is, there is obviously something wrong with him if he won’t say you’re in a relationship.

He sounds like he has commitment issues. Has he ever had a relationship with anyone?

How do you know he would mind? He doesn't sound very forthcoming with his emotions.

Everything you've said is your opinion i.e "There is both passion and love between us...." has he actually said there is love ... or is that what you're assuming as you feel that way? Don't confuse sex with love.

"He hasn’t slept with anyone else for years, and isn’t going to" again that's what he has led you to believe....

"We are not friends with benefits"... you think that ... but what does he think?

You don’t know if this man would introduce you as his girlfriend or partner after five years together? When a man really wants to be with you, you know. He’ll want to ‘lock you down’ asap. You’re not Miss Right. You’re Miss Right Now.