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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I just need to chat about this

31 replies

Apologynotaccepted · 22/02/2026 15:28

Name changed but long term poster
Right, apologies if this long..

3 years ago I had a falling out with a friend. She had a long term mental health issue that I had supported her with over many years (20) she had lived with me at one point, her family were very grateful of the time I had looked after her etc etc
3 years ago, I had 3 life altering things happen to me in the space of 8 weeks which resulted in me having a breakdown. I considered suicide twice and was nearly hospitalised for my own safety (there wasn't a bed so I paid privately for intensive therapy)
I was in a state of near catatonia for some of it. I was then prescribed medication which gave me psychotic hallucinations and then I was hospitalised briefly.
During this time my lifelong friend just stopped talking to me, and was actually nasty , came to my house the day of a very close bereavement (one of the life altering events) and told me I wasn't a good friend etc
It was all unbelievable. Fast forward 2 years and much therapy and help and I am now mostly recovered. I wrote a letter to friend wholeheartedly apologising for being unwell and for the fact that our relationship had suffered. She didn't respond at all. 6 months ago we were at a mutual friends wedding and she literally ignored me. Wouldn't come near me, wouldn't make eye contact etc.
I have let it go for the most part but occasionally (like today) it niggles.
Anyone had a similar experience?
I don't need it rethinking or suggestions of how to reach out more or solutions, this is a hand hold thread if poss please.
Grateful for any uplifting ways to reframe it!

OP posts:
VoltaireMittyDream · 22/02/2026 16:25

You were essentially her carer. Someone as psychologically unwell as this person is, is not able to offer genuine friendship. She needs nervous system scaffolding, and when the person whose nervous system she leans on can’t support her, she can’t regulate herself and becomes hostile and aggressive. It’s essentially a parasitic relationship rather than a friendship.

You may also need to consider whether genuinely mutual friendship is something you are currently capable of, or whether you tend to gravitate towards people for whom you fulfil a need.

From your post, it seems your friend’s not needing you anymore is almost more hurtful to you than her having lashed out when you were at your lowest point. You are apologising and trying to get back into that supportive role for her.

I hope you still have access to therapy to think through how you might change this dynamic.

Original poster
Apologynotaccepted · 22/02/2026 16:24

90sTrifle · 22/02/2026 15:37

Your relationship with your friend was one-way only. Her family were probably grateful you took the selfish mare off their hands.

It’s hard, but move on. Don’t waste any of your valuable thinking time on her. It’s her loss.

Show quote history

Thank you. I definitely know this , but occasionally the feeling of grief and upset about it comes back

OP posts:
WeepingAngelInTheTardis · 22/02/2026 16:20

shes not interested, just let her go.

Boomer55 · 22/02/2026 16:18

It was 3 years ago. Best just get on with the here and now. 👍

Daleksatemyshed · 22/02/2026 16:13

It's for the best if this friendship quietly fades away Op, you feel guilty but you shouldn't, she's the one who let you down when you really needed a friend. I let someone go years ago because she was like your friend, it was all one sided, they were very needy and expected to take over all my time, when I'd had enough and pulled away she really didn't want to take no for an answer.
I think if you look back over all those years Op you'll see her more clearly, she wasn't a good friend, a proper friendship works for you both

90sTrifle · 22/02/2026 15:37

Apologynotaccepted · 22/02/2026 15:28

Name changed but long term poster
Right, apologies if this long..

3 years ago I had a falling out with a friend. She had a long term mental health issue that I had supported her with over many years (20) she had lived with me at one point, her family were very grateful of the time I had looked after her etc etc
3 years ago, I had 3 life altering things happen to me in the space of 8 weeks which resulted in me having a breakdown. I considered suicide twice and was nearly hospitalised for my own safety (there wasn't a bed so I paid privately for intensive therapy)
I was in a state of near catatonia for some of it. I was then prescribed medication which gave me psychotic hallucinations and then I was hospitalised briefly.
During this time my lifelong friend just stopped talking to me, and was actually nasty , came to my house the day of a very close bereavement (one of the life altering events) and told me I wasn't a good friend etc
It was all unbelievable. Fast forward 2 years and much therapy and help and I am now mostly recovered. I wrote a letter to friend wholeheartedly apologising for being unwell and for the fact that our relationship had suffered. She didn't respond at all. 6 months ago we were at a mutual friends wedding and she literally ignored me. Wouldn't come near me, wouldn't make eye contact etc.
I have let it go for the most part but occasionally (like today) it niggles.
Anyone had a similar experience?
I don't need it rethinking or suggestions of how to reach out more or solutions, this is a hand hold thread if poss please.
Grateful for any uplifting ways to reframe it!

Your relationship with your friend was one-way only. Her family were probably grateful you took the selfish mare off their hands.

It’s hard, but move on. Don’t waste any of your valuable thinking time on her. It’s her loss.

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