Forgot to take my friend to her hospital appointment- how do I fix this!?

That is terrible! She might have had sedation- if procedure was difficult .Then obviously not safe to drive or take bus or taxi alone.
I can see why she is cross- at least she did not miss her appointment- but she could have done and that would have been because of you.
Taking all the pre-treatment stuff with all the bowel issues that gives you then waiting for your friend who does not show?
Obviously she would not be having it at all unless there was a reason
Could you not have scheduled your kids appointment a different time in the day?
Flowers and apologies would be a poor response
I forgot is really awful
Imagine it was you

I had my first colonoscopy, had to (as mentioned by others) go through all the prep which isn’t nice then at my appointment I was told out of the blue that I had a 5cm tumour. Was she on the 2WW pathway?

it was a mistake but I’d be pissed off too

Absolutely this. I’m always amazed by people who think someone withdrawing after being hurt or let down is ‘punishing’ them, or ‘giving them the silent treatment’.

Most often it’s someone licking their wounds and avoiding making themselves even more vulnerable, or taking time to think things through to make sure they don’t say things they would regret from a place of pain and anger.

The idea that this is being done to you deliberately to make you feel bad is such a self-centred way of thinking about relationships.

Still not understanding what you mean. There’s no such thing as a coloscopy. Do you mean colposcopy or colonoscopy ?

From the POV of someone who has cared for someone through multiple colonoscopies (also called coloscopies in the US) I just want to offer a bit of insight as to why your friend may have (justifiably) been so upset by this.
if the procedure was the more minor colposcopy instead of colonoscopy then please absolutely ignore this

colonoscopy prep starts with a clear liquids only diet which means no food for 24 hours + before the procedure and therefore often feeling quite shaky and weak to begin with. Then, the prep itself involves drinking a horrible solution that essentially makes you lose all the contents of your bowel through diarrhoea (and can sometimes also cause vomiting) - this often continues through the night so your friend will also have been feeling really quite poorly. Having to come up with alternative travel arrangements last minute while feeling so unwell was likely very difficult for her. A colonoscopy involves sedation so when you arrive at the hospital they (in my experience) ask who they should call when you are finished to come and pick you up as they are not allowed to release you alone. I can imagine she may have felt hugely embarrassed and alone to be stood there possibly not sure whose name to give at this point. The procedure itself can be anxiety inducing, and while the sedation is wearing off patients often can feel not totally with it. One of my friends had an awful reaction where it triggered traumatic flashbacks and she needed close care for 24 hours afterwards. Even with a less serious reaction, they were likely feeling groggy and confused for several hours after they got home and the person they were expecting to be there for them wasn’t.

again, there’s now nothing you can do - but this is to explain her reaction as you seem to feel it is out of proportion which I really don’t believe it is. Mistakes happen but that doesn’t minimise how she will have felt.

You fucked up big time. She's lucky she found someone else to take her and pick her up.

Do you not put things like that in your calendar? She gave you plenty of reminders.

She'll probably think of you as unreliable from now on. This is going to damage your friendship because you let her down.

I just feel sad if she can't see it was a genuine mistake.

What else would she think?

She's annoyed. In time she'll be less annoyed.
You need to pay attention to your calendar.

It was a genuine mistake. Your child was unwell and you just forgot. Personally I think your friend’s reply is a bit dramatic and over the top.

Fair enough.

Because another poster asked what the plan for childcare was🙄

Pretty bad you forgot. This was an important appointment. She reminded you a few days before and you still forgot. You need to own your mistake and the inconvenience you caused. Don't try to turn it round and make out your friend is the one in the wrong. She isn't. Its 100% you.

I'm going to ask about a couple of things that you said in your post:

I'm am a dependable friend 99% of the time. I am the most constant person in her life (she's single) and have never let her down before.

Sadly she can be known to use silence as a form of punishment and has definitely tried to make me feel as guilty as possible. Obviously I can take that on the chin, it is my fault, but I have a horrible feeling she will continue to bring this up long term.

Have you heard of the drama triangle? If your relationship is based on you being the rescuer and her being the victim, then there could be an additional level to consider. There's something about your post that makes me wonder whether you both feel that you are responsible for her. (You're not.)

Your child was ill, you were understandably distracted. These things happen. You aplogised, offered to collect her and she ignored you, and you now wonder how long she'll continue to reprimand you for? Not okay.
If you're questioning how much to put up with, imagine one of your children ends up in a similar situation. What would you want them to do with that friendship?

BillieWiper

I don't think you can do an uber/taxi for this type of appointment

You keep saying how sorry you are but you’re actually laying the blame with her to make yourself feel better; Chooses silence as a way to punish, usually messages to remind you - stop making excuses for your own cock up and really own it.

buy her a big box of chocolates and apologise

what have you done so far?

I guess I would've booked her an Uber/taxi there and back to make up for it. But it's done now.

I would accept someone forgetting something like that if I hadn't confirmed the night before/on the day they were definitely still able to do it.

It was kind of you to offer so I'd hope she'll see that nobody is perfect.

Sadly she can be known to use silence as a form of punishment and has definitely tried to make me feel as guilty as possible.

Deal with it head on, I'd send a message apologising (presuming you havent already), where you lay out your reasoning, making it clear that you understand you really did let her down. Then say your open to building bridges when she is ready.

If she stays silent - let her, don't chase, give her time, don't apologise again. If she starts to lay on the guilt say something like ", I'm really very sorry to have let you down, i understand that may have hurt you very much, that wasn't my intention, it sounds like you're trying to make me feel guilty for what happened, not sure if that was what you intended?"

This gives her an out from the guilt but if she continues and confirms she is using guilt just say "I will give you some space, conversations that try to use guilty isnt going to get us anywhere, as thats not healthy, I'm open to rebuilding when you are"

I would likely have messaged you in the morning to ask if you were still up for it, I wouldn't have just assumed.
I would guess she didn't do this because you are usually 100% reliable, or because she wanted to "test" you. Depending on where you sit in this scale would be the answer as to whether I would get over it or not.
I wouldn't drop a friend over this, but it would change things.

Your excuses sound really annoying.

Yeah not ideal but it isn’t like you did it deliberately. You can’t do anything though other than apologise and see if she gets over it.

I was going to have to take my kids with me to drop her off and pick her back up, which isn't the issue.

So why mention it?

It's pretty normal for parents to have to take their kids with them to things.

I'm not surprised she's pissed off. I think it's on you to offer an olive branch and I would wait a few days for her to and then send a handwritten card with an apology (not excuses!), tell her how much her friendship means and ask to take her out for coffee/ lunch or take a bunch of flowers round.

You mention she sometimes uses the silent treatment as punishment, people often use that when they've had it modelled to them as a child. If she's grown up being ignored as punishment then you ignoring/ forgetting her at such a vulnerable time has possibly triggered some painful feelings of being abandoned and perhaps she's withdrawn to avoid feeling hurt rather than to punish you.

Yes I agree on the silence, it's not necessarily about punishing you, if she's really hurt then she might just need space, I would in that situation.

Like a PP I think there is a difference between colposcopy (fairly minor in terms of the actual procedure) and colonoscopy (fairly major, in fact I know someone who died during one) - which was it?

You don't sound terribly sorry!

Sadly she can be known to use silence as a form of punishment and has definitely tried to make me feel as guilty as possible. Obviously I can take that on the chin, it is my fault, but I have a horrible feeling she will continue to bring this up long term.

This sounds both smug ('ooh, aren't I a good friend?!) and patronising ('sadly'), when the actual issue is that you did something bad and you clearly don't want to take the rap for it.

Of course she'll fucking bring it up if you have this attitude towards her.

I can absolutely understand that sometimes a plan falls through; you had a sick child. But I'm sure she's not stupid and she can see that you want to make this into her fault because she 'can be known to use silence as a form of punishment'.

I think, frankly, she's better off without you. But if you really do want to make amends, then just accept she probably doesn't want to talk to you much right now, and leave it to her to decide when she feels like it again.