Forgot to take my friend to her hospital appointment- how do I fix this!?

Aviator? 😕

But she'd asked her friend to take and also come with her to an appointment that may lead to a cancer diagnosis. It's fine to rely on that promise. Appointments like that are frightening becuase of the uncertainty of the diagnosis. If you have a settled plan and you are relying on a friend you could be caught short depending on where you live and taxi availability.

@MamaBee22 The fact you forgot showed both you and her that something signifigicant to her didn't matter to you. You need to accept that and own it. It may have been a genuine mistake but it wouldn't have happened if the person and their appointment mattered to you. Would you have forgotten if it was your child? or your mother? No.

She's having a stressful time and you've let her down when she really needed you. If you want to fix this, you will need to hugely demonstrate you are sorry by actions, a big bunch of flowers that someone else suggested is a drop in the ocean. A genuine heartfelt letter of apology sent now together with an offer to do something lovely for her is the sort of approach you need. or major face to face grovelling once time but not too much time has passed.

You need to really understand how devastating this was likely to be in a frightening and stressful situation for your friend - not just the immediate effect of scrambling to get to an appointment, whether she could do anything about it, stress on the day, impact on her health and treatment - but a sense of no one caring and being abandoned. It can't be just dismissed as 'a mistake' because its more than that here.

Maybe her ability to bear a grudge and remain aggrieved even when someone - normally totally dependable - has apologised to the max explains why she is single!!

Sorry but I can’t bear people who sulk and won’t accept a genuine apology when things go wrong. She should be grateful she has a friend who is so supportive.

It sounds like you are taking on so much for your friend that she compares other friends to you and no wonder they're failing, nobody else can live up to her expectations because you're doing far more than a friend should. In a way you may be making it harder for her if you're showing an idealised view of what she can expect from people.

In a normal friendship you'd tell her that your young child is ill, she'd ask questions and insist that you cancel plans to take your friend to the hospital, knowing that you're probably not going to have a good night's sleep, and then have to put children in the car to drive your friend to an appointment, one of whom has asthma and a chest infection? No.

It is not your responsibility that she is single. Stop trying to fix the holes in her life.

Did you look into the drama triangle idea? It does sound more like you've taken on the role of rescuer, which can make it harder for her to stop being a victim.

I hope your child is feeling better.

I suspect it isnt so much that you couldnt take her in the end but that you forgot and she had to scramble for an alternative way to get there as you didnt let her know. I empathise with a poorly child as DS struggled with his chest and its so stressful and its understandable your child comes first, but can see why she is upset as well. I dont think there is a magic wand to make it right, can see why it slipped your mind but can also see why she feels like she does. You have been honest and as long as not a pattern i am sure in time she will get past it. If she doesnt then her choice ultimately but it would be a shame.

I’m not sure there’s much you can do. These sorts of things are difficult to arrange for a single person and she was relying on you.

Give her space and time.

And I notice that in your opening post you start to try to shift some responsibility onto her. Don’t do this. If you’re not aviator your friend to rely on for something like a colonoscopy (a horrible procedure) then don’t offer.

But don’t make her disappointment in you HER character flaw.

Give her space. She's hurt that you forgot her. I understand forgetting I forget things a lot. I have actual brain damage that makes this happen. I would 99% remember something like this, it would be in my paper diary, on my phone, and have an alarm set for it. If I did forget, I would understand someone being annoyed even though it might not be my fault really.

Yes but that nhs guidance says if you’ve had sedation you need someone to drive you. I’ve had this procedure and in no way felt it necessary to be sedated or to have someone drive me. Obvs others might prefer sedation but it is not a procedure which requires sedation.

Not good. She needs more reliable friends.

I agree.

She should have done something like this - instead of waiting for the time to approach and then messaging 'you've forgotten haven't you?'.

I am going to sound cold here - but from your previous posts OP I'm getting that she regularly claims people 'let her down'.

If she really wanted to avoid that - she would have called you in the morning or text you. Then made alternative arrangements when she found out your child was ill.

You have apologised - give her space - let her decide what happens from there. But no need to continuously beat yourself up.

I agree.

Yes, you forgot and you shouldn't have
but
You had a sick child, no alternative childcare available.
However,
You did your best to make amends,

• offered to drop her there
• and pick her up when the appointment was over. -
• She was in a huff and wouldn't accept that. That is down to her
• She then acted the martyr and did it on her own.. as far as we know. To make your actions seem a lot worse.

A sincere apology, a nice bunch of flowers and the kind texts you've been sending sound enough to me.

I have to go to hospital appointments and I have had someone come with me sometimes, they are not there during the procedure... the staff don't want that...they are in the waiting room.. as you would have been had you been allowed to drop off and pick up. But I have done, and can do it on my own. The hospital staff are there to take care of you during the appointment.

I get that it made her fed up, but she went on to make it worse for herself and I completely disagree with people who use the silent treatment as "punishment"

You don't deserve punishment from a friend. You are trying to make amends and frankly, from what you've also said about her previous behaviour she doesn't sound like muich of a friend but does expect you to always go the extra mile for her.

I don't think, after attempts to make amends, you should continue to beat yourself up over this. If she thinks its ok to punish you... I would be takign a step back .

What's done is done, you've apologised, she's expressed how she feels.

It's been less than a week, let it breathe and look after your kid.

OP - yes it’s bad form for forgetting her appointment, however, your child with a pre existing respiratory medical issue was ill, unfortunately your child takes priority. So even if you remembered you were supposed to go with her, you would’ve had to let her down. From what you’ve said about her, she’d probably take umbrage with that too!

Stop pandering to her, her behaviour is really shitty, guilt tripping you and giving you the silent treatment l for what was a genuine mistake whilst you were most likely dealing with the stress of a very poorly child.

She’s a grown adult and needs to grow up! It was bad enough she still wanted you to take her, knowing you were going to have to drag your DC out with you both, but now she’s just being ridiculous. Let her cut her nose off and just don’t bother with her again. What does she add to your life? As it seems like she expects an awful lot from you.

not relevant to the colposcopy that OP is referring to as this generally doesn’t involve sedation (but it was only made clear that it was a colposcopy as opposed to a colonoscopy after I had posted my comment) but this is the NHS guidance about needing someone known to pick you up either driving or to be with you in a taxi following a colonoscopy. Again, I’m not suggesting this is relevant to OP but it certainly wasn’t an attempt to make up information to create drama, but rather to bring awareness to what a colonoscopy can involve as I know many people wouldn’t be aware

I've had one of these, I drove myself there and back and was basically in and
out within half an hour. It's not great you forgot her but it really is quite a minor thing.

It not about whether you can get a taxi or not. Its about op saying she would do it and then not.

How is it you don’t know that not everyone uses phone calendars?
Many people here are giving the OP a ridiculously hard time. She’s a busy parent who forgot something important. Which of us hasn’t done that? She’s apologised. What else can she do?

Feel like I’ve wondered into alternative universe here. OP made a mistake, she’s human. All the “you forgot her because she’s not important” comments and attempts to make the OP feel awful are ridiculous. She apologised. Shit happens. The friend sounds very dramatic as well. She went to the appointment in the end so no harm done?

Also I’ve had a Coloscopy and took the bus home afterwards. Has OP confirmed her friend was sedated and could only go home in a taxi? I’ve never heard of a hospital refusing to release someone if they didn’t have a driver to take them home as a PP suggested. The melodrama!

I mean, if the OP genuinely thinks no harm no foul, then fair enough.

It would be easy enough to say ‘grow the fuck up, there are more important things in my life than your hospital appointment, don’t be such a needy fucking loser’

But my sense was that the OP would prefer to maintain the friendship if possible. 🤷‍♀️

I think I’d send her some flowers with a little note saying once again how sorry you are.

Taxis exist

Also, if it had been me expecting a lift I'd have been texting the night before and reminding you - not a few days beforehand, and I might even text in the morning saying "see you soon, thanks so much for doing this for me xx"

Right but it's not as if they tell you if you've got cancer on the day is it? She'd be no more or less worried about having cancer after the procedure and having a friend drive her might have been nice but not necessary as she wasn't going to be told bad news or anything - it's just a short uncomfortable procedure.

Exactly! Self sufficient. I had a colonoscopy and had to take my baby and went on a bus… I did it and never asked of anyone. And I have a big supportive network but I don’t take the mick! Only in life and death situations would I