To think people complain about the lack of real connection but don’t want the responsibility of being a villager?

Mmmmmm this halcyon past is very class dependent.

My grandmother was one of five - she was the only one to survive to adulthood. Her mother didn’t do a ‘little’ job, she worked her whole life (was still working at 80) as in our working class family, every adult (ie over 14) has worked for generations. Living to 80 was itself extraordinary as many family
members died prematurely, including my aunt and uncle, from the direct result of poverty. Cleaning, cooking and shopping were much more time consuming. Many relatives moved away from their hometown because you go where the jobs are - a mine/factory/steelworks closure was catastrophic,

I don’t long for those days.

I think too many people fantasising about The Village want to be the net takers. In reality, there's always been the same minority who 'give' ie. The brownie leaders, lift givers, PTA members, snow cleaners etc. They have the confidence, time management skills, empathy. I used to be very much a giver. Much less now. A fellow giver said recently 'we were the mugs who always stepped up. '
Really the people like OP wanting the village, if they are serious, need to step up themselves. Because otherwise it's a bit like they long to be perpetually parented.

I'm not saying I'm so much better ffs. I'm merely saying you have to put in the work to get the village.

Ive reread it, was merely the bloody truth. How you perceive it is not my issue

I sadly agree with this. My support village collapsed when I left my husband. It was like people thought divorce would be contagious.

I also think covid was a massive issue. I live in a lovely actual village and since then lots of the traditions and clubs have stopped.

Yup. They want to take from the village, but not give.

I don’t have a village as such. When my children were little my sister, Mum and Mil helped me a lot with childcare.
I have a close group of friends and we help each other with things like house moves, diy, car problems and lots of other stuff.
Most of our neighbours I don’t know as so many are second homes/ holiday lets.
i do often see people posting on Facebook needing help and it’s lovely to see how many replies they get with people offering help and support.

That’s a very accurate assessment - it’s not people don’t want it- it’s that life in general has changed and people no longer in many cases prioritise extended family or networks because they need to work to make the rent or mortgage or prioritise kids activities etc- not saying either is right or wrong, just different

I applaud the villagers-in-spirit on this thread (why so snide, @dicentra365 ?) and am toughened in my resolve to, as soon as stbx is no longer my concern, immerse myself properly in a village of my own. DP has a half-empty, mean-spirited, paranoid disposition and is 'baseline opposed' to any kind of villaging which is not immediately transactional. I can't stand it (raised in a remote arctic village where the village -both physical and metaphorical- was everything) so am calling it a day.

for me the villager's rebuilt me and saved me, and im truly grateful for everyones efforts.

YANBU

The average mumsnetter won’t even open their front door FFS

Erm, good for you. Give yourself a pat on the back for being so much better than everyone else. And if you don’t think that’s how it comes across maybe read it back.

True. I’m lucky to live in a community that still has connections, helpful neighbours. I’ll miss that when the children move on, likewise it could be a lot better, the connections will fade over time. The connections are out there, it’s nice to get out of yourself in the community once you take the step.

A lot of my friends in Dublin dont have family near by and we are each others village. Its not transactional but you do give and receive when needed. It makes everyones life richer and honestly easier. No one abuses it or it would get old fast. We have a local freecycle, alocal mams ehatsapp group for "does anyone know ..., forsale whatsapp, community clean up and then with close friends its babgsitting and pickups. You get out what you put in

You aren’t wrong. It’s hard. I have no real village. A few connections with other Mum’s. I try and offer support emotionally to others, a listening ear, will meet up if a day I’m not at work, I’d happily help with childcare. I struggle with last minute stuff, I like to have everything planned. Over the years I have been a huge support to friends with practical hands on help with young children, even having them overnight. Now I’m a parent, I’ve never had this support back from those same people. I don’t feel I’ve got much to give with new friends/connections as we have no support from family at all and so we just about get through the week with just us let alone being someone else’s village. It’s a catch 22. We do lots for our ageing relatives, errands etc and spend quality time with them but don’t think that counts.

‘The price of community and belonging is inconvenience’

Plenty of people work full time and still do stuff. I have an excellent village as such. Moved into my current town as a single parent with a 5 year old and 2 year old and was working full time

Still found time to help out others, neighbours etc and take part helping out with community events etc . One thing I didn't do was childcare

The last 30 years I've been here I've never been short of help if I needed it . When I was in hospital for 5 weeks people regularly popped in to see me and relieve the boredom. Even had free food sent from local takeaways.

Basically you reap what you sow

the only time I remember someone trying to be my mum's village is when I had apparently pink eye and the neighbours dil was breastfeeding so she came home and gave us some breast milk which my mother tried unsuccessfully to drop into my eyes and I made sure she did not succeed lol

People were polite and okeish in this village I grew up in but no, nobody raised me for my mother. My grandmothers did everything for us and absolutely no one elses

this is the most valid point on here - western life is artificially made to be expensive and people are busy financing it. While I was growing up in another country, we had simple houses which we built ourselves, people helped sometimes to till the ground, came round for meals, but nobody gave you free lunch on continual basis because they are your village. Actually in old type villages people are very reserved because there is no escape from gossip.

I was only 10 when learnt to smile and pretend I don't have an answer to the old lady neighbour whose favourite occupation was to come and ask me questions while I was playing in the yard: what your parents are doing right now, what your grandmother is cooking, bla bla bla bla or the other one just coming to the frong yard, self letting herself through the unlocked front gate and just gossiping

ok, but these things you describe are just hobbies because you have time now. Have you ever helped anyone in life being their village

I feel a bit sad reading many of the response on this thread. I retired 18 months ago, previously commuting to full time work with a husband farming, on constant call, doing best we could to parent two children, which can’t have been that bad as both grown and happy. We live up the back of beyond too.
But since retiring I volunteer steward two sessions a week at a local museum p, am social secretary at a sports club, a parish councillor and chair of planning, and do a couple of smaller bits now and then. My life has change immeasurably. I know people, people know me. I make effort (I’ve just fed 27 home made chicken biryani) and people do what they can all around me. I’m organising a community Christmas for next December and have found people like to be asked to contribute, some being previously too scared to join in as they felt they didn’t belong.
It takes time, it takes effort, but the rewards are great.

I grew up in villages. Nobody is your village, your family is. Forget about neughbours doing favours for you.

My child is 17 now so I think we’re all good. Although I can see the appeal of that sort of thing, we just managed by ourselves.

I always find people only talk about a village when they need or want help they aren’t getting. Like everyone else, they weren’t bothered before either.

I have my immediate family, some good friends and some mum/work friends. I don’t want anything else; I’d rather sort myself out. I don’t want to make more friends to organise reciprocal childcare play dates in the holidays, as MN always suggests. I have my childcare in place.

I also agree with the PP who said it’s always the same people looking for village help, over and over, and who never provide any back.

I don't think it means just any Joe Bloggs off the street, but more having a bit of a network you can rely on in an emergency, eg a school mum friend that could pick up your child and mind them for an hour if you got stuck in traffic.