Does counselling hinder moving on?

Any counsellor who's motivated by using the client as a continuing income stream is practising unethically.

@LadyMacbethWasFierce I sincerely hope it works for you, so sorry for what you’ve been through.

I have just started therapy to help me process the unexpected death of my young adult daughter last October. I am suffering from trauma and grief and have felt demented and suicidal at times. I am on my third session. It’s too early really to say if I think it will help me but I suspect it might help to address the trauma and shock rather than the grief. I feel I owe it to my remaining children to try to be a bit more functional. I certainly don’t anticipate being in therapy for 6 years though. That to me seems like you would end up going around in circles and never move on.

I do agree with you, certainly to a point. Counselling can be very useful for many people in the short term, in complex circumstances perhaps the medium term but at some point you do need to draw a line and look to the future. Remember for counsellors it is their business so perhaps a less ethical practitioner doesn’t say to a client time to stop (most will!) Of course sometimes counselling can evolve to support moving forward but from your post I don’t think this is the case with your friend

The counsellor doesn’t want to kill the golden goose.

I’ve had 2 lots of therapy in my life. CBT for anxiety, talking therapy for grief of sorts. The former I found really pragmatic and helpful, coping strategies, common sense stuff that helps me still to this day.

Talking therapy I found exhausting and entirely unhelpful. I talked around in circles, opened up stuff I didn’t really need to, not sure if my counsellor was just rubbish but she didn’t really help in anyway, just asked questions to lead to the next trauma realisation. Nothing felt fixed. It felt like picking a scab.

I can’t even begin to imagine how fucked up I’d be if that 6 sessions turned to 6 years 😂 I think you can dwell too much. It causes you to live in the past too much.

Such as?

But perhaps they are not if it’s not helping. Perhaps they need to try something else. Especially when it is so expensive

Ive tried counselling twice (2 different counsellors) & never got what I wanted from it. I went into it wanting CBT - ‘solutions’ I suppose, meaning tools I could use going forward, but both counsellors felt person centred/traditional therapy would be a better bet.
Both times I felt that ruminating weekly about how shitty my past had been was of no benefit whatsoever - yes I know it was shitty, so what do I do about it! Months later I still was none the wiser as to what I should do to help myself so gave up.

Very little in life is certain but that doesn't mean that we just give up does it?

If MH issues cannot be resolved, that person is likely to be on medication or worse for the rest of their days

Perhaps they're better off talking to someone than just sitting in mental illness speaking to no one?

This is not really related to the OP and her friends situation, but I just want to clarify why I'm personally finding the suggesting that if you aren't fixed with one lot of therapy then you don't want to get better

I've had an anxiety disorder my whole life, probably rooted in things that did and didn't happen in my childhood. I don't dwell on my childhood at all. I barely ever think about it. Since therapy I'm very aware of the way I think, I don't fall into negative ways of thinking, don't fly off rhe handle and spiral into despair over things random people have said to me. I've always been very upfront in therapy that I want and need to change. My anxiety has been through the roof at times to the point of being terrifying. At my worst, I had to be sedated because I was living in permanent panic attack - which to me is absolute terror, thinking I'm about to die, not being able to be on my own, constantly need to speak to people for reassurance. That went on for months. I wanted to get better and was getting help

Now my mental health is better than its ever been, but I still struggle to do some things. The idea that people think thats because I don't want to get better is really is very hurtful

I know this is more extreme on face value than what the OP's friend seems to be going through, but my point is that no-one knows what is going on in someone else's head. Some people deal with things better than others because they are less prone to mental illness or whatever. Some people can't just get on with life

I ended an abusive marriage right after the death of my parent. Everyone encouraged me to go to counselling but I didn't find it helpful at all. I think my mind had been working overtime before I ended the marriage and I was sure in myself that I was doing the right thing. I didn't need to rehash the abuse.
I also paid for my young adult daughter to have counselling at the same time. Her father had been increasingly nasty to her before he left the family home. She found it very helpful. I think she needed to tell someone neutral everything and work through her feelings. She's older now and I've been encouraging her to go to counselling again as I know she's still struggling with the past.
I don't think counselling is a thing that you just say is good or bad, helpful or unhelpful. I think it's a tool that should be available to anyone who is struggling.
Also everyone has a different immediate circle of people they can talk to. My sister definitely counselled me through the end of my marriage and we have talked about our childhood a lot. My daughter needed to get that support from a professional.

If you get cancer, there are options, surgery, chemo, the cancer is either cured or the person dies.

What if the mental health issues can't be solved?

What can the counsellor do then?
I'm not wording it very well I know .

I had Grief Counselling many years ago, after a few sessions, the counsellor made it perfectly clear that initially, her job was to provide me with a crutch to get through the crisis, then her role changes to help me not to need a crutch and to move forward, i had about 8 sessions.

She gave me the clarity to see a way forward, yes "Salvation Comes from Within" but sometimes help is needed to unlock that change.

I'm not sure why you're equating can't with don't want to? And if someone has a serious mental illness and struggle to get better, are you saying they should give up?

I think therapy is helpful once or twice in life - most people I know need some after having kids (combination of poor childhood of their own that they don't want to repeat or worry about ability as a parent) which I understand. The second lot are those who can afford it in their late 40's - these are usually women who have been dealt crappy hands in divorces/had men be cruel to them in many ways. I think our defences go down as we age and the openness is the acceptance but also the lack of giving a shit we hide ourselves in in our 20's and 30's. Women at this age are hormonally more likely to not give a shit and I suspect those who hid their true selves behind what our patriarchal society expected of them in their youth are the ones shouting loudest.

What I would actually like is for more men to have therapy, as they often cause the damage to the women I know because they see it as a negative thing to communicate openly and don't want women to be swayed from the patriarchal guidelines as it makes us easier to control.

I think it’s very very useful for some people but if significant change isn’t happen quite quickly then maybe not so.

i had 3 months of bog standard talking therapy and it changed my life.

I am so grateful to my therapist for helping me see some patterns that I missed. I use co pilot now. Also brilliant and free and has helped me realise some things.

The only behaviour you can change here is yours, though — not your friend’s, not her therapist’s. If hearing her continually talk about the past is difficult for you, protest yourself. Ask her explicitly to stop. And stop engaging in competitive past suffering Olympics. That doesn’t help anyone.

I must admit I'm very skeptical

Exploring why some people can process and move on while others can’t is not a bad thing or victim blaming. Especially if the answer can help those who are stuck to move on.

however it is true that if you are stuck then you are wasting time and money going to taking therapy.

if it’s not working try something else!

Psychotherapy never really worked for me, but we're all different. I was better with DBT and ACT because I needed tools to utilise in the present rather than unpacking what happened when I was a child.

I think this is more to do with your friend rather than the fault of counselling/therapy. Some people get caught up in victimhood, and don't know who they'd be if they stop allowing it to define their sense of self. It scares them.

For a lot of people therapy allows them to accept the past without condoning the actions of those who perpetrated the damage, and they can move on. It doesn't sound like your friend is at that point.

It can do. There's a place for working through painful experiences but the key is not to get stuck in them. Feel the emotions and let them go. A good therapist should be focusing on helping the client move forward but it isn't always easy to discern where a client is at and whether there's a need to unpick more experiences.

How the hell can someone afford counselling for 6 years???

If they can't do it, then why will a counsellor help?
What is a counsellor going to do?
Change has to be wanted, desired, needed.
If the person camt do that, who can?