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Original poster

DH time v my time

193 replies

80sbabyxx · 21/02/2026 10:33

Yet another Saturday morning argument with DH

I am a teacher work 850-330 mon to fri

he is in emergency services so works shift work sometimes 50 hours a week

I do all the school runs drop offs and pick ups
I do all the after school activities (football, gymnastics, dance, drama) so three nights a week I am not home with the kids u til 8pm so it's an on the go dinner homework in the car while the other does their hobby and switch (I have three kids 6,7 and 12)
I do all the cleaning, cooking and washing. We also have a five month old puppy and I do all the looking after of her when DH isn't home then he does look after the puppy.

on a Saturday DH works two Saturdays a month from 5pm to 3am on a Saturday morning be leaves at 8am to go do his hobby so on the Saturdays he's working he's not here at all. Then on a Sunday he declares it's his day to do nothing as he is tired and it's his 'only' day off. Now he is off tomorrow, Monday and Tuesday so it doesn't ring true this week. Even though he is off I will still do all the pick ups and drop offs because he has a van and can't take all 3 on the school runs and I obviously need my car to drive to work so he will have a nice relaxing Monday and Tuesday from 750am.

I go out with my friends once every 5/6 weeks for a night out might be for drinks or just to one of their houses. Anytime I complain I am tired he tells me I get to go out more than him...he doesn't think his 8 hours of golf on a Saturday count. He also tells me how I shouldn't be complaining about being tired as I have every weekend off...but I'm not galavanting majority of the time I'm looking after the kids and dog alone.

Is he being an asshole we just had an argument t on the phone as he rang me on his way to golf (from his parents house as he meets them every Saturday morning for breakfast) and it took three goes for me to answer the phone I was dealing with the kids!

OP posts:
topcat2014 · 21/02/2026 11:29

Rehome the dog. Sounds drastic, but less drastic than divorce

airportfloor · 21/02/2026 11:29

Goodness me! He’s definitely taking the piss. Stop bending over backwards for him. I know easier said than done. But sod him and sod his parents. (I am a single mum working 4 days a week and my life seems easier than yours)

waterrat · 21/02/2026 11:28

It sounds like you are a single parent in some ways

Who on earth thought adding a puppy was workable? And who is the puppy with when you are both working ?!

Sorry it sounds tough I would not stay with a man like this. The golf situation of him not counting it ??? And having days off but not doing childcare ? Bizarre

ChocolateCinderToffee · 21/02/2026 11:27

With all that on your plate, why on earth did you get a puppy? Apart from horses, they are the most time-consuming pets.

Anyahyacinth · 21/02/2026 11:27

He sounds absolutely awful. You definitely shouldn't be doing chores like laundry or cooking for someone who speaks to you this way. What an absolute brat and his family for encouraging him to have no responsibility for his children. ...wow just wow
What a luxury life he leads at your expense

patate10 · 21/02/2026 11:26

80sbabyxx · 21/02/2026 11:01

His parents live 45 mins away so they can't go on the breakfast or I'd have to drive and get them back. The younger ones ised to go to his parents on a Saturday while the older one had matches but they hated going found it very boring so we all just head to the matches now on a Saturday morning they find those boring too though but it's only an hour or two

he tells me how lazy I am but I really don't think I am the house is spotless the kids get to do all their activities and don't miss out. Dinners are made I don't see how I'm lazy to him

Hes an idiot.

Whowhenwhat · 21/02/2026 11:24

Nopayrise · 21/02/2026 11:18

There are 168 hours in a week. He works 50 and then say 56 for sleep. That still leaves 62 hours where he doesn’t seem to do a single bit of parenting or housework.

meanwhile you don’t seem to have a single hour where you aren’t doing one of the above things?!

Basically this. Spell it out in these numbers. if he doesn't get it, it's because he doesn't want to because the current setup works for him just fine.

And yes he is abusive like pp have said here. Anyone who takes their leisure time at the expense of YOUR leisure time, especially where you don't get anytime to yourself and are ran ragged from work, childcare, home etc, is abusive. He calls you lazy in order to gaslight you so you don't bring up these issues.

hopspot · 21/02/2026 11:19

MathsMum3 · 21/02/2026 11:03

Blimey! Sorry to sidetrack, but teacher here, and how on earth do you manage with this amount or marking and prep time? I would typically do at least 2 hours per day after school, and minimum half a day at the weekend. And what about staff meetings? I would typically have at least one per fortnight.

Show quote history

I’ve got relatives who work as teachers in Northern Ireland. Their experience of teaching and the workload is so different to mine in England. So much so that we have considered moving there!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/02/2026 11:19

It sounds like he doesn't think that looking after kids, cooking for them, getting them to and from school etc is work (or more accurately its womens work so doesn't count).

What do you actually want to happen OP? He sounds quite extreme in how little he values your contribution, how selfish he is over his own free time and how he speaks to you (the absolute cheek of calling you lazy when he does nothing). If he has been brought up like that, and his family are still reinforcing that he is right and you need to do more, then I think the chances of him being reasonable and realising how much you do and stepping up to share the load are slim to none. Someone who says they need do not need to do their share of parenting because they only get one day off a week when factually they have 3, is not going to respond to any rational argument. Do you think you would split over this? Do you think he would ever see the kids?

Nopayrise · 21/02/2026 11:18

There are 168 hours in a week. He works 50 and then say 56 for sleep. That still leaves 62 hours where he doesn’t seem to do a single bit of parenting or housework.

meanwhile you don’t seem to have a single hour where you aren’t doing one of the above things?!

Summerhillsquare · 21/02/2026 11:17

Mosman2020 · 21/02/2026 11:04

There’s no point in having a conversation with somebody like this. He literally sees you as a bang maid.
Do you want to be a bang maid?
however, there’s no point in divorcing him either. You’ll just get less help and less money.

Edited

No, she'll get one or the other. And the kids will get to spend time with their father.

If you won't do that, get up early one or two mornings at the weekend and go out. Just go and enjoy yourself. You'll have a nervous breakdown if you don't.

Whowhenwhat · 21/02/2026 11:17

He dares to call lazy???!

I think your schedule is insane and you will burn out.

He's not going to change, he sounds quite selfish and actually he doesn't much practically for the family at all. he's like a single man who basically takes the entire weekend for himself.

No, things need to change. Buy another car so he can ferry the children about when you drive to work. Drop some of the afterschool clubs. It's too much to be getting home late 3 evenings a week. Divorce the selfish manchild who puts golf above family.

HurryUpHilda · 21/02/2026 11:15

Is he at golf today? I’d just put all his stuff in bin bags out the front and change the locks. He sounds vile and abusive, he can go have breakfast with his parents every day. Spoilt mummy’s boy who thinks you are his personal maid, housekeeper and sex provider. Just stop it, today. He won’t change.

Bestfootforward11 · 21/02/2026 11:13

80sbabyxx · 21/02/2026 11:01

His parents live 45 mins away so they can't go on the breakfast or I'd have to drive and get them back. The younger ones ised to go to his parents on a Saturday while the older one had matches but they hated going found it very boring so we all just head to the matches now on a Saturday morning they find those boring too though but it's only an hour or two

he tells me how lazy I am but I really don't think I am the house is spotless the kids get to do all their activities and don't miss out. Dinners are made I don't see how I'm lazy to him

When I first read your posts, I was thinking that maybe there needs to be more communication. I remember a time when my DH and I were working very hard but in different ways and we both were having a tough time in our own way. It felt like we stopped communicating and showing care for each other as we were each just trying to get through the day. But we started talking properly again and things are so much better and we are back to operating as a proper team again. We absolutely have each others back.
But your post here where you say he calls you lazy for me crosses a line. It’s not him feeling life is tough but him actively putting you down to effectively gaslight you into thinking any issues you raise are not reasonable ones. I think he believes his own hype and to be frank he doesn’t sound very nice at all. If he won’t engage in reasonable dialogue then I’m not sure where you go from there. I’d suggest therapy of some kind to figure out what you want and how you want to live so whatever decisions you make, you have thought them through with support.

Rainbowdottie · 21/02/2026 11:13

My husband did shift work, 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off. I fully expected him to help when he was back and he did. Sure we might have had a few rows about it, but he did do it. I don’t know about the argument about who is having more free time than the other…but he should definitely be pulling his weight more in terms of kids, chores, dinner, after school clubs etc

Legolaslady · 21/02/2026 11:12

Honestly.... Either put your foot down and her him to do more with the kids at weekend... Or tell him you're going to leave.

He thinks he can put it all on you and you'll just suck it up

pinkyredrose · 21/02/2026 11:11

If he thinks you're lazy then I'd stop msging his dinners and washing his clothes.

He sounds like a sexist wanker.

Ilovefoodandwine · 21/02/2026 11:10

Does this man brining anything to your life?

Original poster
80sbabyxx · 21/02/2026 11:09

He just makes me feel like I'm so unreasonable when I complain I'm run ragged.

my eldest isn't his and her dad used to help a bit with her activities but had a new baby last year so he dos four days a month and that's that. I just find it unfair that when technically there's 3 parents it's only me doing all the running

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 21/02/2026 11:08

Draw up a schedule of what you both do and how much free time you actually have. I did this for DH and asked him why it was he had so much more free time than me and how he justified that. Once he saw it written down he realised and picked up more tasks. He wasn’t seeing all the stuff I was doing outside of my working hours.

He did try to say “I didn’t ask you to do all those things” but I pointed out that he effectively did expect me to do it if he wasn’t doing it. If he wasn’t doing the school run or cooking meals then who did he think was going to do it.

It wasn’t deliberate on his part, it was just living in his own bubble and once that bubble was burst things improved.

Legolaslady · 21/02/2026 11:07

Honestly.... Just book a weekend away for yourself and leave him to it

Then when he obviously complains... Just leave him for good. He sounds awful

Original poster
80sbabyxx · 21/02/2026 11:06

MathsMum3 · 21/02/2026 11:03

Blimey! Sorry to sidetrack, but teacher here, and how on earth do you manage with this amount or marking and prep time? I would typically do at least 2 hours per day after school, and minimum half a day at the weekend. And what about staff meetings? I would typically have at least one per fortnight.

Show quote history

I am secondary, I don't have any coursework classes so my marking is books and tests. We do have a meeting one a Fortnight which I stay for but even then it's only until 4pm our boss is very good and very family oriented herself

OP posts:
Original poster
80sbabyxx · 21/02/2026 11:04

sittingonabeach · 21/02/2026 11:00

I wouldn't have added a puppy into the mix!

I couldn't be a golf widow. How much parenting does he do?

What is he like during the school holidays?

Ah the school holidays he works as normal because it was my choice to be a teacher her and knew I'd be off with the kids when they were off so my fault. He books off a week in summer for us to go on holiday then a few days at Xmas...he's booked two days off at Easter as we are going away but he isn't jointing us until later as there is a golf competition on he cannot miss. But when the kids are off school they are my responsibility which Makes sense but he really doesn't put himself out for me or the kids but acts like he does. He also doesn't earn more than me I actually earn a bit more than him so it's not like I'm 'kept' either

OP posts:
Mosman2020 · 21/02/2026 11:04

There’s no point in having a conversation with somebody like this. He literally sees you as a bang maid.
Do you want to be a bang maid?
however, there’s no point in divorcing him either. You’ll just get less help and less money.

MathsMum3 · 21/02/2026 11:03

80sbabyxx · 21/02/2026 10:53

My classes start at 850 and finish at 315...I leave work at 330 to go pick the kids up from the childminder I mean. I drop them into school and bus for 815 then I am in work for 830.

I do my marking over my lunch every day so I only bring a small amount home with me in the evenings the I'll do about two hours prep on a Sunday night when they are all in bed.

I've Tried talking to him about this but he was raised in a family obsessed with golf and all plans are made around him his brother and dad golfing. Even his mum will tell me how hard he works and how he gets no time to himself. I've actually stopped going to his family things as I cannot be bothered listening to it while they behave like I do nothing

Show quote history

Blimey! Sorry to sidetrack, but teacher here, and how on earth do you manage with this amount or marking and prep time? I would typically do at least 2 hours per day after school, and minimum half a day at the weekend. And what about staff meetings? I would typically have at least one per fortnight.