DH time v my time

I’m really sorry to say this but it doesn’t sound like he loves or respects you.
I think your best option is to leave tbh. Claim benefits if you need to, at least you’ll get some time to yourself and not be constantly abused.

You could try getting a different more demanding job? Get a pay rise, work more hours and just tell him he needs to pick up the slack. He’ll obviously make your life hell but then you divorce in a better financial situation and refuse to take more than 50% parenting.

he starts taking the kids to golf EVERY TIME you INSIST

My husband telling me I was lazy when I do all the drop offs and pick ups, often the weekend days and all the cooking would be the first and last straw for me. You should have equal amounts of free time and he’s taking the piss. What would you actually lose without him?

he meets them EVERY saturday morning for breakfast
well he can take the kids with him for a start give you a break EVERY saturday jeez

The shouting at you all the time is enough to call it quits. Not good for the DC or the puppy.

I'd be looking at getting proper advice. You can't go on like this.

On a separate note, I did all the housework whilst my DH went out to work and now he's retired, he's moaning about how much work there is to do here. So he may well be clueless but he also sounds nasty.

I would recommend going to see a lawyer to understand your rights. You may find if you were to divorce you would get enough of the shared assets to make living independently realistic. Knowledge is power.

I think work on that plan to leave. He is a shit partner and husband. Selfish git. Doesn’t sound like he will ever change or accept that he isn’t pulling his weight.

Does he have to have a van or can he swap it for a car? My dh has a work van too and it is really annoying as he isn’t allowed to drive it outside of work, so all school runs and clubs fall to me. I’m also a teacher and it’s a nightmare for parents’ evening etc.

In the meantime I think you need to reduce the amount of after school clubs a bit to help make it a bit more manageable. I would never have agreed to the puppy - is rehoming it a possibility? I know that’s not a decision taken lightly.

YANBU - he is a lazy bastard!

I dated a man who played golf - it takes ages and all they care about. I ended the relationship because he and his brother and father all played gold Saturday and Sunday. It wasn’t the life for me.

I don’t know how you can live like this. It doesn’t matter if the house is in his name surely, you’re married and have 2 children together so he would need to support you. I think he should fuck off back to mum and dad who have obviously raised him to be a spoilt brat. You could then work out the logistics of halving the house in the coming time and see what you could afford on your own with the equity and your own mortgage? I’m sure you could do tutoring to supplement your income too. We’ve had tutors for ours and the last few years it’s been online so no need to go out of the house to do that. He would have to have them (you’d hope) one night a week and one night at the weekend so think how much time you’d have that you just don’t get now. It’s got to be better than this life?

Ooft! OP, that's no life. It's exhausting just reading!

You'd be better off on your own unless there some massive changes take place. Doesn't sound like you DH would entertain any discussion.

Please don't spend the rest of your life like this...

and it took three goes for me to answer the phone I was dealing with the kids!

He had a go at you because you didn't answer his call quick enough?

He’s a massive arsehole and incredibly selfish. He sees his own time and recuperation time as more important than yours. He does not value your unpaid labour. Please consider whether you are willing to put up with this for the rest of the time your children depend on you (and in all honesty likely thereafter).

Either he does every other Saturday and you get the alternate off. Or you get Sundays off.

Your husband is a selfish prick. He doesn't appreciate all the solo parenting you do

That's all really crappy op.

Can he not walk or bus the school runs?!
Maybe he ought to swap his van for a car his kids can get in? 🙄

It sounds like you know he won't change.
So maybe start planning how you can leave and live without this selfish tosser. A cheaper area, a smaller house, I'm not sure but I'd be looking at any and every possible option and start setting goals to make it happen. At least not living with him reduces your load and your resentment levels and he will have to contribute financially to the kids unless he wants to do 50/50 - which would involve actually parenting them.

I'd seen a quote on here last week about a lot of men want a wife and kids but don't want to be a husband and father. Seems apt for this thread too.

I’m sorry I’ve nothing constructive to add but he sounds a right prick! I’m sorry you’re dealing with all this and hope you get that lottery win or find another way out of this situation x

Yes! If mine has had a disappointing trip to the football, he doesn't seem to think of it as free time at all - it's not my fault he chose to spend it in that way!

I am generalising but literally this is most men! It also carries on even when the children are older, the mental load is never equal.
This is why divorces are common in later life, Women have had enough of these Man Babies / Lazy Bastards.

Cut back on the kids activities and why did you agree to getting a dog? My family are desperate for a dog but as I know it will fall mostly on me i have said no for the last 5 years. I'll probably get one when dc leave home.

Dh and I had a discussion early on when l first went back to work after dc1 about sharing the load. We both said what we did (washing, cooking, night waking, shopping, baths etc) I wrote it down on yellow sticky notes and put the sticky on the wall in either his or my column.

The clear visual evidence of how much l did versus him helped dh see it wasn't 50/50 shared like he thought it was.

I’m sorry to say lovely that he’s married to his job and his hobby. Not you.
I have a lot of friends who are married to Emergency workers and I can count on one hand how many have survived their marriages.
They don’t think or look at life like us. I’m not bashing anyone before anyone comes at me but 9/10 it’s the men who can’t juggle their work/home life responsibilities.

Id sit down and tell him exactly how you feel. If he can’t see past his job and golf and start putting you and the kids first, then unfortunately it won’t get any better. My friends are all better off without their husbands in this situation because the men now have to have the children by themselves and they now get a break. One of them is trying to make it work but he’s still struggling to juggle it all. Women just seem to get on with it.

A good few years ago I never saw my husband at all. He was basically married to his job and would be out of the house 10/12 hours a day Monday to Friday and still tried to get overtime on a Saturday to make more money. He couldn’t see past the pound signs on his wage slip. We didn’t need the money, I needed him at home helping me with the 3 kids!
So, I wrote it all in a letter and left it for him as I took the kids out for the day. When we returned, he apologised and really didn’t see things from my perspective.
3 months later he handed his notice in and left and now has a job where he can do the afternoon pick ups and I do the morning. Everything is now split 50/50 but it took me threatening to leave to wake him up. We now spend more time together doing date nights and overnight stays to rebuild the relationship.
But you’ve got to want it. You’ve got to do something because you will end up resentful and hating him. It’s whether at this point you want to make it work because how it’s going now, it won’t get any better, believe me.

Things need to change. Sending lots of love, I’ve been there x

I have noticed this weird thing where men think their hobby isn't their time. It's very fucking bizarre.

You should get the same amount of downtime. It's not even a debate. If he doesn't agree to even the principle of that then yes he's an asshole.

Yeah it does sound really unbalanced and unfair. The 8hours away from family on a Saturday would really get to me (whether it’s golf, or anything else).

Loads of good advice so can’t add much, except on the week days that he’s not working you could take his van to and from work and he can do drop-off, pick-up and activities 😁 Is that why he’s got a van?!

Why hasn’t he taken some/all of the kids to see his parents and have breakfast (in your car)? He could drop them and the car back before golf.

The more I type the more annoyed I’m getting on your behalf. His life is basically ‘work and do what I want when I want” and yours is “work, everything for the DCs, almost everything for the dog, cooking, cleaning and occasional night out”.

Has he forgotten you’re his wife and not his housekeeper/nanny?

Sorry but I could not be with someone who is so disrespectful to call me lazy when I’m running around like a headless chicken!
I think you really need to sit down and think about what he brings to your partnership, it doesn’t sound like he gives any time to his family unit and is actively dismissive of you and all that you do?
The golf he was doing when you met, but on his days off this week if the children are in school he should be doing some of the drop offs/picks up/activities even if he can’t fit all the children in his van.
Does he need a van or would a car be more suitable for your needs as a family?
You’re a better person then me I would be seething with resentment at your current situation, there is nothing more unattractive then a man that always puts his wants and needs before all else and is useless at home.

@80sbabyxx sounds to me like he is calling you lazy as a diversion tactic. You spend a lot of energy asking yourself why he would say that, rush around more and take on more so he can just be lazier himself.

this is not a partnership, never mind a marriage