DH time v my time

How is teaching in Northern Ireland so different? I'm doing on average 55 to 60 hours a week as a SENCo who also has a teaching commitment.

I’m sorry, he has the audacity to call you lazy?!! Honestly, I’d be showing him lazy! I wouldn’t be doing any of his laundry, cooking any of his meals, and household tasks that directly relate to him would be stopped and handed over to him!

Also, not sure it was the best idea to get a puppy, when presumably this behaviour has been going on for a while?

I’d be sitting him down and showing him a list of all the tasks completed by each of you in 24 hours on a week day, a Saturday and a day in school holidays. One column of tasks, one for you, one for DH and tick who does what. Let’s see how balanced they are across the board?

I really hate these people who don’t see “parenting tasks” as work! It’s usually because they don’t do them! Or they say “the kids should drop activities” if you don’t like it!

If he is telling you that you are lazy on top of not helping then that really is moving into the realms of abuse. Sorry.

He’s calling YOU lazy! He is lazy.

Your life would no doubt be easier if he wasn’t there at all.

He is - very clearly - not going to pull his weight. Ever. There are no magic words that will change such inherent selfishness.

you can’t force him to be a decent person.

all you can do is accept he’s awful, always will be, and look to how to get the best future possible for op and her kids.

I would say the kids would do far better from not having to live with an arsehole and be role modelled that this is normal, than learning to do a cartwheel.

The problem here is not about free time but about how much time you both do in relation to parenting and home stuff.
Its sounds like he does about 5% and you do 95%.
If you do earn more than him would it be a massive issue if you were no longer together.
If you still want to be with this man, you really need to sit down and tell him exactly what you've said in this post.
Tbh he sounds very selfish with an awful family.
Good luck op x

Just go out on Sunday. Don't ask, get up and go. When he realises you aren't there presumably he will look after the kids. Send him a text saying you will be back in 8 hours (but this doesn't count as you time) and then put your phone on silent or turn it off.
Talking to him hasn't worked so you need to show him. Hopefully he'll realise what a twat he's being if he doesn't I'd reconsider the relationship. If you split up he'd probably have the kids more.

I have recently left my ED nursing job and gone down the management route. I was always a shift worker (DH always a Monday- Friday worker) but I did school runs, after school activities and housework on my days off and normally post night shifts I did all this half asleep…dread to think what I looked like to other parents! I now work Monday - Friday with weekends off and we’re working this new normal between us. But I have said to my DH with the weekend kids activities he never actually gets a day off! Your DH is being totally unreasonable and needs to step up I get that he’s cramming full time hours into less days but parenting / housework never stops!

He sounds incredibly selfish in all this and lucky he has a hobby you’re being far too generous to him!

Emergency services workers may work 50 hours some weeks, but the standard shift patterns mean that they average about 40 hours per week. You say you earn more, so this seems to back that up.
You said he has Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday off. Is he a firefighter? They get to sleep on their night shifts, just having to go out on 'shouts'.
It seems that the irregularity of his working pattern has enabled him to get out of sharing any responsibility for your children.
So sorry I can't offer a solution.

Your dh is a selfish prick and your mil is always going to protect her own flesh and blood. I would do your own thing on Sundays not every week but get some me time leave the kids with him when your other dc can be with her dad. Then take yourself off somewhere nice. Don’t do house stuff on your return if he says anything say it’s my day off. There is no point trying to do family time he’s not interested his golf is far more important than all of you. You get plenty of time with your dc so give him his chance to be a father also most mums give more than the dad it’s what’s expected of us. Men who think their hobbies are more important than their children are selfish no other way to describe them.

When do you do your planning? You're working way more than that

Blimey, the more you write about him, the worse he sounds.
Do you have family that could help you to leave the waste of space?

If I were you i would start stashing money away to leave. Look at what you would be entitled to benefits wise and child support. You're doing it all anyway and youre not happy. He doesnt bring anything positive to your life. You deserve better.

I find the suggestions that the activities that be cut are the kids activities a bit shit. He needs to pull his weight, it's not on the kids to facilitate him.

I’d be tempted to go straight for divorce. Share the children 50:50 and see how he fits his golf in then.

You’re being used and treated like an idiot by him.

You ca continue as you are or leave. I don’t see any compromise coming from him.

Can I just say as well, when I read your op, I assumed none of the children were his as he doesn’t seem to do anything for or with them. I think it would serve their long term interests better to switch from doing gymnastics etc (if that is the financial result) to getting them away from a father who shouts at them and shows them on a daily basis that he couldn’t give a shit about them. He will of course continue to show them he doesn’t give a shit about them, certainly not above himself, but at least divorce will show them that it isn’t acceptable for them going forward to either be like that as a father, or marry someone like that if they’re girls. Staying shows them that his behaviour is fine.

Why did he have kids if he doesn’t want to be with them?

Op this does not sound like it is salvageable.

I would start by rehoming the puppy. You have way too much other stuff on your plate to give it a good home. And I’d bet it was his idea as a way of keeping you tied down now the kids are getting older and you might have more time to do your own stuff.

Then start putting aside some cash in a safe place and investigating your options. Work out what benefits you might be entitled to and what child maintenance would be. Does your job offer EAP? If so it’s worth speaking to someone there just for support and they will have resources. Remind yourself that you are pretty damn amazing to do all you do and that you deserve a life where you are valued and your needs are met

Glad you’ve worked out now what a completely abhorrent man he is.

do the sums op.
with your job, child maintenance and UC you may well be just fine.

I would take being single in a much smaller house than living with this arsehole for a second.

for now, detach emotionally completely. Don’t do any housework/cooking/shopping that is just for him. Obviously no shagging but I’m sure you can’t stand that anyway with someone who treats you like this.

And the house thing is such a family control thing. They know what they are doing making sure if you leave it’s with nothing.

You need something for you, he needs to figure out how to be there more. I’m so sorry but my thought process also has to be why on earth did ye get a puppy and do they really need so many activities? But yes your dh is ridiculous- shorter time on golf

Take a look at the Turn to us website to see what you'd be entitled to in your own. It's actually easier that you don't own a property, as you will get your rent paid plus some UC. Leaving will be easier than you think - do you have Citizens Advice available for an appointment?

I don’t get the car thing, can he get insured on your car and you drive the van sometimes instead? After golf he can bring them back from his Mums?

You need to try and get a calm time, when you explain you just want to try and work out why you feel so exhausted and write down what each of you do each week.

I don’t think at any point he’s going to revolutionise anything. Maybe he’ll stop calling you lazy. It is unbalanced. Contrary to mumsnet I see this often in real life and it doesn’t change. I’m sorry if this sounds demeaning but for behaviour change (I say this as I don’t know if person change/ belief change is realistic) praising (and if possible get family onboard with this) any efforts he makes to help the household. But this has to appear genuine and with a straight face. Ultimately the puppy and evening activities are your choice. When the children are older it will be easier.

You have had some good advice and you do need to look at your choices. He is clearly not going to change his. Your DC don't have to be in clubs every night. It's sad if they have to give them up but as you say, you can't do everything.

The house, if owned by his father, does not belong to him and therefore legally you have no claim on it. If it was promised that it would be yours jointly one day after paying years of rent, then you need to talk to a solicitor to see if you have any claim on it all, but with nothing in writing... they have protected their asset in the event of a split...

You have a choice here. You stay and put up with your life being like this until the DC are older. Or you make plans to leave.

No all day weekend fun time when you work 50 hours a week and barely see your kids. Dh and I occasionally have weekends where we do something for ourselves all day, but we have very flexible working lives and one or both of us is home with the dc every day from 3pm.

Your Dh has an already challenging shift pattern and long hours. He needs to spend his downtime with his children who he rarely sees. If he wants more leisure time, he needs a different career that has more sociable hours. He also needs to sort his van. Dh has a van. We’ve installed removable seats in the back. They can be taken out if he needs to use the van for hauling things for work, but they go back in when we need seats. We can fit 5 people in there.