DH time v my time

Since when does golf take 8 hours????
We all allow around 4 hours for 18 holes, maybe a little bit more in summer when it's crowded.
He's taking the piss.

What does he bring to your lives thst makes all the shit he pulls worth it?

(And please please please don't tell me "he's a great dad")

I agree. What an utter lazy bastard he is.

Some threads are so sad.

Please raise you bar OP, you are worth more than the nothing he is giving you

Yes he’s being v unreasonable playing golf for 8 hours at the weekend when you have young children. However it sounds like you’re overcommitted on kids activities and why the hell would you add a puppy into the mix when you’re already time poor and overwhelmed with everything.

Please start making a plan to leave him. I assume you’d end up with 100% custody so he’d have to pay you child maintenance. I know things would be tight financially however infinitely better for your mental health.

I have been working shifts in NHS for many years & still manage to do (more than) my fair share of family work ! Majority of women who are nurses etc do. It’s only men who seem to get away with opting out.

It sounds like in an ideal world you would separate (I mean, yes in an ideal world he would step up and stop being a selfish git but that's not going to happen).
So I would be going into full on getting ducks in a row mode. You sound like you have got yourself into a hole and can't see a way out. There is a way out. You can make it happen. Have a look at rental properties. Have at house prices, deposits, mortgages. Have a look at benefits. Your standard of living will go down but your peace of mind is worth more than that.

Edit to add: he gets the puppy in the split

I'm a primary school teacher in Northern Ireland. We do have directed time so I'm not sure how OP is getting away with just being there when the kids are there. For example we have to stay til 4:15 every Thursday, we need to be in for half 8 (though most of us are in earlier and a lot of us have to travel so are on the road by half 7 - my husband does all the school drop offs and pick ups). The work load is definitely easier though I think it depends on the school and the culture of that school amd it's employees. There are very little jobs in the primary sector. Too many teachers and not enough jobs. I did my pgce in England and we are definitely better off here in NI. A much better work/life balance.

You should have equal amounts of free time - and getting a puppy with your busy, inamicable schedule, just makes my blood boil. No sympathy.

OP, you are being fucked over in every way by his family.

Golf doesn't 'count' as free time for him? Absolute bollocks.
His family supports the poor over-worked man while you do EVERYTHING at home and for the children throughout the week and weekends? Absolute bollocks.
His parents own the house you live in, meaning you have no rights there either? Absolute bollocks.

You need to seek legal advice. You'd be better off on your own.

I’m English but live in Northern Ireland and am a secondary teacher. It’s a different world over here which is why most teachers stay in their jobs. Not only do the kids generally respect you but you usually work the hours the OP has described!

This for starters.

I read your post and the last sentence made me gasp out what the fuck.

That is some lazy selfish loser you chose to have children with.
A puppy too?

You are very very foolish.
What a waster.
Get rid of the puppy and him.
Poor children.

There’s a thread like this every day. Presumably you knew how fucking useless and selfish he is, so why did you add a second child and puppy into the mix? Serious question. You were a golf widow before children, so I would question the first child with him even?

This !!! How the hell . I don't know any teacher who can do any drops offs etc ???

Oh OP 💐You are run ragged.
I was there recently, 2 of us in full time jobs, 3 kids, hobbies out our ears - rugby, swimming, gymnastics, piano.
It was exhausting, sometimes being like ships passing in the night and that’s with my DH doing a bulk of the housework / cooking etc.
If he wanted sometime alone for his hobby, I’d be furious as I’d want my own time.. there just wasn’t enough hours for us all.
I ended up cutting down to a 3 day week after returning to work after having our 3rd. I just couldn’t juggle all the balls anymore, it wasn’t fair on the kids and financially it made sense as my DH earned more than twice what I did.

Our situation has changed now as I’m a SAHM for the next few years as we moved abroad.

For you, I’d recommend saying ‘Sunday mornings are mine’. From 9am - 1pm OUT YOU GO.
Go for a breakfast, a coffee, go read a book or go for a swim. Do something FOR YOU. But it has to be non negotiable.
This is your time.
He can laze on the couch all he wants for the rest of Sunday but Sunday mornings, he is with his children and dog.

Our situations are different in that my DH has never called me lazy and I’d be furious if he did.

Would you want to talk to your DH about all this, how it makes you feel , how he brings so little support to the family? End of the day you guys should be a partnership and you both have a home, both have children to feed, a home to be cleaned, a puppy to be looked after. All this should be shared out and not fall on your shoulders.

Or do you think it’s gone on for too long and nothing will change?

Calling you lazy and have a dig when you ask for help is a tactic to stop you asking
How was your relationship with your eldests father because it seems that he has also made the decision to opt out of parenting too. I have a 5 yo and a 5mo and there are challenges to juggling the two of them but it's something both my partner and I are committed to doing. They are both ours which does make it slightly different but having children with two different mothers isn't a free pass to drop the eldest in favour of the new baby.

If you look back over your relationships how well balanced have they been? It seems like you have been conditioned into accepting that this is the life you have to tolerate and wonder where that expectation has come from.

OP what do you want from this thread? Your husband doesn’t like or care for you or your kids. He won’t step up or change. He is lazy and verbally abusive. You know this. You need to either take steps to leave him or work towards a future where you can leave him. Yes he is unreasonable. But Nothing you say or do will change him!

he tells me how lazy I am but I really don't think I am the house is spotless the kids get to do all their activities and don't miss out. Dinners are made I don't see how I'm lazy to him

He sounds like a sexist wanker tbh. As well as lazy and possibly abusive too, with the shouting. How you've got to having 3 kids and a puppy with someone who is evidently not a team player and treats you like a skivvy is regrettable but he's clearly done a number on you and made you feel like this is acceptable. Which it isn't.

As you say you prefer it when he's not around, you'd be better off without him anyway. I don't see how it can be any worse without him, as at least you'd have your self-esteem and self-respect within your own control instead of being eroded by his BS and crappy behaviour. Stop making his dinners and start looking out for yourself and the DC only. He can fuck off to golf while you get your ducks in a row and make plans for a better life without this crap to manage.

He sounds awful. Anyone who spoke to me like he talks to you would be out the door like a shot. I'd write down a week (or fortnight or month) and work out exactly how much time each of you spend on paid employment, unpaid work (house, life admin etc), childcare, and leisure. Not necessarily to show to him as he sounds like an arsehole who will just gaslight you, but to give yourself proper proof of the injustice and inequality.

@80sbabyxx The more you write about him, the more I think you need to get those ducks sorted out and leave him, but this stood out for me, as well as some other things

Then on a Sunday he declares it's his day to do nothing as he is tired and it's his 'only' day off

He said it was your choice to be teacher. Well surely it was his choice to do the job he is doing and knew about the shifts etc?

Did he even want to be a dad, as he doesn't sound like he wants to be one.

I like the pp idea of writing down all the things you do and all the things you do, so he can see exactly how you are very much not lazy. Not that you should have to spell it out, but in this case I think it will help you decide, by his reaction, what your next move will be. Completely different but I did one for a period diary for my gp as just telling them they were bad wasn't enough. It certainly hammered home just what things were like for me, and it will, if not hammer it home for him as I think he knows exactly how much you do, but will show you how little he does. And just how well you'd cope without him in your life.

Oh, and have your phone off when he's not there. Who tf does he think he is getting so angry you weren't able to answer his oh so (not) important call?

As others have said, he sounds like a selfish prick.
I think he's probably calling you lazy to deflect from the fact that HE is lazy. He won't change, why would he when he has such an easy ride right now? Changing doesn't benefit him directly. It benefits you, and the DC, and the family unit, but not him. And it doesn't sound like he actually gives a fuck about you, or your DC, or your family unit.

Ideally I would leave him, but at the very least I would stop doing anything for him. No laundry, cooking, shopping for him, tidying after him, none of it. He can't expect the benefits of team work, without pulling his weight.

Similar in Scotland. See my post above.

At the start of your thread, I was going to suggest you map out a month (because of his shift patterns) and show how much you each spend at work (including home marking etc.), how much you each spend on domestic chores (cooking, cleaning, life admin), how much time you each spend ferrying the kids around, how much time you have to do your own thing (hobbies, socialising), how much time you spend together as a family, how much time you each spend quality time individually with your children. And have a conversation about the balance.

But, the more I read your posts, I just think he’s a bit of a selfish arse. There’s not realising how unbalanced are, and not giving a shit about it. From your posts, he could fall into the latter category. Don’t let the housing situation be a stumbling block. I know that’s easy for others to say, but it doesn’t have to be insurmountable. Start making a plan. Get advice. Life is very short. Good luck.

I moved from England to Scotland and the difference in work/life balance is astounding. Most teachers in Scotland rock up about 8.30 and leave shortly after the bell at the end of the day unless there are meetings.
My friend also moved from being a maths teacher in England to HoD in the Highlands. He has more free time as HoD up here then he did as 'just' a teacher in England. He's even taken up golf!