Inappropriate comments from grandfather

It’s possible to be proud of your gorgeous granddaughter without framing it in terms of her future dating profile/achievements.
The baby is adorable- full stop.
Nothing to do with whether she’ll be able to pull men, how good looking she’ll be.

Comments about babies flirting, giving kisses, how to manage their sexuality when they are in their teens… you may think it’s innocent because you are innocent of nefarious attitudes. Unfortunately when you’ve seen a man be inappropriately sexual with a child, your eyes are opened to such comments being just the top of a slippery slope.

It’s not ok to look at a baby and think/talk about their sexual future. It just isn’t.

You are in effect looking at a piglet and discussing bacon and sausages.

There is no "tolerance" when it comes to the sexualisation of children.

You would have thought that at this stage with all that is happening in the news there would be more awareness of that fact but no we still have people bleating about "tolerance" and "overreaction" here...

I can’t believe how many people are saying you are over reacting. My FIL has made inappropriate comments like this to all his grand daughters, who are now teens and adults. I call him out to his face and limit contact. My DH is equally appalled.
I am also sorry for what happened to you OP. I hope you have had some therapy. You might find parenting causes you to have more thoughts about it, so maybe more therapy would be helpful.

i think you will have to be a bit more tolerant op

I am with you OP.

He is sexualising a toddler.

These type of stupid comments is the usual behaviour of too many men who can only see women and girls primarily from a sexual point of view rather than as full human beings.

Being an older man is no excuse for that kind of crap and women really need to stop excusing comments and behaviour like this.

OP I would make it clear to both he and your husband that you don't want any such comments being made around your kid ever again as you are raising a child who will have good self esteem and won't centre her life around pandering to the male gaze.

Comments like his sexualise young children. Personally I find them unacceptable. My experience of people making and normalising comments like this is that there is at the very least underlying misogyny and disrespect for women and girls. It's hard to fight when it's inside your own family. My advice is listen to your instincts and never feel you can't speak up if you ever feel uncomfortable. Many people thankfully have no experience of abusive relationships which is I think why for many the default position is that you are over reacting and that what's being said can't possibly be down to anything sinister. A majority telling you you're over reacting can make it more difficult to listen to your gut feeling, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't.

This kind of changes everything, I have a similar childhood experience and thought you were overreacting in your post tbh but this information shows at the very least your FILs lack of boundaries with child protection if he is willing to have any contact with a peadophile.

You’re entirely human to have deregulated reaction as this guy makes you feel unsafe, based on history and facts. This is a bigger picture than some stupid old man being out of touch with how to speak about females.

I’m so sorry OP it has a horrendous impact on your relationships coming from a traumatic background like that, you have my deepest sympathy and I totally understand why you leave no space for boundary breaking at all. Your girl has an amazing mum who’s got her back always. With regards to you husband, can you guys talk it out, the whole situation, once you’re both more calm.

good luck OP, this is hard stuff xx

My husband is a grandad, if he ever made remarks like that about a baby grand daughter I would also feel uncomfortable.
Acceptable back in the day, not so much now.
However, I think I would be more annoyed at my husband, he should speak out and back you up.He knows the history of you, and he knows the history of his dad wanting a paedophile to come to your wedding.
He should be more aware of your feelings.

That's all the more reason not to have this kind of socialisation start young.

It's not acceptable. Young girls should not be brought up to have to accept that it is.

I don't think any of those questions are particularly relevant to OP's situation.

OP isn't standing opposite the alleged offender as a prosecution barrister in a court of law. Conviction rates are notoriously low for this type of offence and not every abuser has been legally brought to book, especially when we consider how tragically prevalent these offences truly are.

As a parent, OP's one abiding concern is the safety and wellbeing of her child. Her only job is to gauge whether the benefits of contact with this person outweigh the risks. The person concerned is exactly who to her? Her in-laws' neighbour: not even a family member. What benefit would contined contact be likely to bring, and would the absence of a this man from her DD's life be likely to have any damaging effect on her? As to the risks, what's the worst that could happen?

It's a complete no-brainer.

Wait until your daughter is 14 op and you are walking behind her and her friend and white van men start leering at them. That is really upsetting.

Total overreaction. You are being ridiculous.

It’s like saying ‘he’s/she’s going to break some hearts’ though isn’t it? People say this sort of thing all the time.
It’s triggered you because of your past.

Was the neighbour found guilty of the charges and what was his sentence? Was he on the sexual offenders register? Why were your husband's parent's neighbours invited to your wedding? Had they been close friends of the family for many years?

I don’t know any old men who would say weird things like your FIL. It’s not ok

Agreed.

Surely that would be an obviously sexualised comment that would be entirely inappropriate for a 20 month child? I think this analogy has persuaded me that the original comment should not have been made.

But I think that the OP overreacted.

As far as your original post is concerned, your FiL's comments about your DD are not in any way appropriate. That's leaving aside entirely any suggestion surrounding the 'pervert' idea. This is sexualising a young girl; it's part of the dangerous socialisation that begins to wear down boundaries at a young age and teach females what it is and is not appropriate for them to accept. You're right in your instincts that this is entirely out of line and potentially damaging. It's hugely disappointing (but unsurprising) to see so many people voted that YABU - but female socialisation is unfortunately as alive and well on Mumsnet as it is anywhere.

This later comment puts an entirely different light on the original post. Their attitude about the neighbour compounds your instincts - and is probably part of the reason your warning radar is going off in the first place. You should not need to disclose your abuse history in order to draw that particular line and stand behind it. That is a massive red flag.

I believe you and your DH need to have a serious conversation. You need him onside with this. I would not be willing to consent to unsupervised contact in these circumstances.

I'm sorry you're having to confront this really uncomfortable issue, but mothers have instincts for a reason. Listen to them. (And on most other MN threads you'd be advised to do precisely that).

💐

They had a good time, your DD behaved beautifully and was the centre of attention, and there was some silly banter between gf and the waiter. Interpreted as gf is a pervert and your DH an abetter....

FGS are you this thick obviously the grandfather is not responsible for the neighbours actions .But he is still fucking sticking up for him wanting him at the wedding.As for the outcome of the case who gives a shit.I stand by my point the brush it under the carpet brigade ,no thought for the little girl.

You can’t take your childhood experiences out of the equation of your reaction. They are sewn together.

I don’t agree with comments like this, but it didn’t need to result in a blow up between you and your DH. A quick ‘can you please not make X comments surrounding our child please’ would suffice and move on.

If GF is mortally offended, that’s his issue to deal with.

Absolutely nothing in your post suggests there anything at all worth lashing out at your husband over him not protecting your child.
Calling someone a name as one off in a heated 2 way argument is not verbal abuse.
You sound like got want to be the victim in every situation.

You are overreacting. Would you have had the same reaction if he said, "She loves women?" Men aren't all perverts, so are nice and kind you know.

You either feel that your daughter is safe around your father in law or you don't - that's for you to decide - not mumsnet in my view