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AIBU?

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Original poster

Once in a lifetime educational opportunity

32 replies

QuestLove · 20/02/2026 23:58

Hi all
Been in a coersive controlling relationship for years. Found courage to leave 2 1/2 years ago. We live together still, with our 10 year old. I work part time, with not enough to move out on my own, so need his help, a settlement. We cannot agree as he refuses to give me half, as he would have to sell the family home, and he does not want to do this. Since my announcement to leave he has forced a 50/50 parenting schedule, that we now do. We don’t speak as he is abusive to me, so our communication if at all is via text.
The settlement is not enough for me to remain in London and buy a home. But he refuses for me to move away ..
Economically we will struggle in the future with his offer of a ‘clean break.’

We have chosen schools for our daughter who is due to start year 7 in September. National offer day is March 2nd. We will be told what local school is allocated to us then,

Out of the blue a family member sent me a school of interest outside of London. It offers bursaries and full scholarships and is an independent school - not on our radar or wildest dreams! But I took a shot and supported my daughter to study and take the exam. She had one week to study, and today she was offered a place! I’m so delighted and proud of her, and what she’s capable of! I haven’t told her this yet.,.

I am worried that her father will oppose her achievement and say that she cannot go. This would not be a financial burden on him, but it was I who was means tested. He would have to pay nothing at this prestigious school, that is a once in a life opportunity, whilst I pay £500/month ( after school club is a little less/month)
The change to make this happen for her would have to be :

  • I move closer to the school to allow her a commute
  • we both move closer to allow 50/50 to continue

Her father hates me. His heart had turned to stone and everything he does is to hurt me. I’m afraid that he cannot see my daughter in any of this. I’m afraid that she will choose to please her father, and not go, to please him, and lose an opportunity of a lifetime. She’s only 10, and I wish we were both better parents to her, to guide her through this together.

Does anyone have any experience of this?
What would you do next?

OP posts:
Moonnstarz · 21/02/2026 06:31

Echoing all the previous comments - why haven't you sought legal advice regarding the housing and childcare split?
Also check the conditions of the school offer. Will your daughter have to sit another exam to continue to be given the bursary after a certain number of years? I know one child who got a bursary for a school but it was only for year 7 and 8. I don't know whether there is then competition for getting a bursary for the remaining school years or whether this is just a test to check they still have the academic ability the school want and would automatically get the bursary if they meet a certain standard. I would check all term and conditions of the offer, especially if it requires moving - especially as you mention it was means tested. What happens if you move and then have to get a full time job? Does this then push up your income and you are no longer entitled to the school funding?

EvangelineTheNightStar · 21/02/2026 06:24

Are you able to up your hours to full time so you can move out?

wanttoworkbut · 21/02/2026 06:15

What's your legal advice been? Assuming you're married you need to resolve the divorce first, you're still in a abusive relationship. If unmarried, and not on the deeds/mortgage, get yourself moved near the new school asap.

Drdogooder · 21/02/2026 05:44

I assume you are working your way through the courts? Sadly that isn’t always as simple or quick as mumsnetters feel it should be.
Ultimately if you can’t agree a judge has to decide. This makes everything slow and painful. I’m sorry this is the reality. Shore up whatever support you can for yourself emotionally and your daughter.

ArcticSkua · 21/02/2026 05:42

Agree with the above. You need to get a lawyer and split up properly (not based on what he thinks).

StormyLandCloud · 21/02/2026 05:39

Xnz2022 · 21/02/2026 02:18

You need to get your relationship sorted urgently... That seems to be the root of this problem.

You've split with him, but you still live together and rely on him financially. Go to the courts and split properly and legally. Get everything done officially. As you negotiate and sort out your post-relationship situation you can try your best to make sure your daughter can attend this school. But at the moment with no legal position you seem to still be letting your ex control the situation.

Edited

Absolutely this! He’s still abusing and controlling you, you need to get a solicitor and break free

Xnz2022 · 21/02/2026 02:18

You need to get your relationship sorted urgently... That seems to be the root of this problem.

You've split with him, but you still live together and rely on him financially. Go to the courts and split properly and legally. Get everything done officially. As you negotiate and sort out your post-relationship situation you can try your best to make sure your daughter can attend this school. But at the moment with no legal position you seem to still be letting your ex control the situation.