Once in a lifetime educational opportunity

Op is in this process, but it can take months and years. It will cost tens of thousands to get in front of a judge to get the house sold.
As another poster said, people talk like you can just pop into a solicitors on your lunch break and get it sorted.

OP it does seem like you’ve used your DC as a motivator to get away. I can understand how this has presented but it’s awfully unhealthy and very much risks her blaming herself for blowing the family up which would cause me a lot more worry than the missed bursary opportunity.

what you can do, I guess, is move out with her and rent a property alone Gatwick whilst the divorce process continues. However, this is massively expensive considering you already have a household within the marriage.

plus, how on earth will 50:50 custody work? She can’t go back to London half the week to be with him.

You need to double check with CH about the means tested fees, if you live together then his salary needs to be included and the amount of mortgage payment allowed as the calculation is restricted as a percentage of earnings.

It sounds as though not living in that toxic environment would be in her best interests.

You need to move out and start the divorce. He cannot refuse to sell if the court awards you a share of it.

@QuestLove Are you okay?

This is a very worrying time for you.

Has any advice been helpful?

Her father hates me. His heart had turned to stone and everything he does is to hurt me. I’m afraid that he cannot see my daughter in any of this. I’m afraid that she will choose to please her father, and not go, to please him, and lose an opportunity of a lifetime. She’s only 10, and I wish we were both better parents to her, to guide her through this together.

You can be a better parent by getting out of this and both of you behaving like adults.

Your daughter is in the middle of this- a highly dysfunctional set up.

You can stop texting this man- talk to him and at least break that cycle.

Also contact Women's Aid who are there to advise on getting out of abusive relationships.

OP, schooling is the very least of your worries. Get your poor daughter out of this horrific home environment. Find her a school, any school, for the time being but get her out of there.
If I've read this correctly you have £500 spare a month for school fees. Use that to put towards rent somewhere instead. If you don't earn enough to cover the balance then research what benefits you're entitled to. Visit a women's aid centre if you need support. And up your hours if part time.

You're right! Of course, how stupid of me not to notice that they're (probably) not married 🙄

@QuestLove are you married?

I would just add that bursaries can be given on the basis of educational ability not necessarily parental income.

It depends what the bursary is based on and if the parent is contributing a percentage based on household income.

This situation sounds dreadful, for you and your daughter. It sounds like a truly toxic environment to bring a 10 year old child up in.

I would park the private school idea tbh. He is obviously never going to agree with this, especially as you have done it behind his back. I imagine your bursary offer will be void if you haven’t declared your household income- otherwise everybody would just put one parents salary on the form? Giving your child hope and putting them through exams when you’re not even sure the outcome is attainable is foolish behaviour in my opinion.

Your actions seem erratic. I would be putting my energy into finding a solution to these dreadful living circumstances for your child, living with an abusive partner will be damaging her, even if you think it’s not.

I doubt they are married.

OP never calls him her husband.

This would not be dragging on with him refusing to engage with the finances if they were married and it was a divorce .

Been in a coersive controlling relationship for years. Found courage to leave 2 1/2 years ago.

@QuestLove You have not left.

Nothing's changed just you've rold him you want to leave.

I assume this is your partner and not a husband?

If you were married a divorce solicitor would sort this out and you would have a settlement.

You are still being controlled by him.

I'm actually shocked by what you posted. Things like he 'won't allow you' to move away.

Is he from a culture where he thinks women are second class citizens and can be controlled?

You are an adult woman- you have control over your life.

If necessary you will have to apply to the council for housing based on being in an abusive relationship.

Take control of this.

The education of your children is further down the list.

So you went ahead and did this even though you knew he would not agree you did this to your daughter he did not do this

You both need to sort out the split and both sort out what is the best education for your child

That's an excellent point that pp has made.

If you and your husband are still married then both incomes will be taken into account when deciding on the bursary.

Another good reason to legally separate, although does the school disregard maintenance income which your husband will pay you, once you're divorced - if your DD lives with you post divorce

You really really need to see a solicitor. Also (as pp said) Women's Aid

Are you actually married to this man? You don’t refer to him as husband but it makes a lot of difference.

I echo those wondering about the bursary. If you're still living together and married how can it be that only you were means tested?

As others have said you need to sort out leaving the relationship asap and part of that will probably mean accepting this school is not the one for your daughter especially if you both agreed to the other school and he hasn't had any input in this decision.

Use this as an opportunity to go to Court and get things sorted. Clearly you need to get the house sold or he buys you out to the tune of at least 50% of the equity (if not more), you move closer to the new school and he gets to see her regularly in holidays/ weekends. If he doesn’t make a sensible proposal a court will make an ORDER which he has to comply with or face prison. This is not his call.

How far away is the school? Assuming it’s not a 10 hour round trip this would be very normal and (assuming no back story) a court would be very likely to order.

How does your DD feel about the school? Most Courts would be wary of letting her decide completely especially if it’s obvious one parent is exerting control. That said if your DD genuinely doesn’t want to go I think you might be well advised to get your living/ financial sorted first and then worry about schools.

So yes, get to a solicitor asap.

The other school is not automatically better for your daughter simply because it is private, and moving her away from a parent who she has 50/50
contact with would be a big deal. Her parent is more important than a school and moving her away from her father is not in her best interests, even if it would be right for you. You are seeing this as a once in a lifetime opportunity but it’s just a school. There will be other decent schools in your area and your dd could go to one of them and still achieve exactly the same GCSE/A Level results by the end of it.

Your priority is working out how you can gain financial independence and stop relying on your ex.

Your number one priority needs to be your daughters physical and emotional wellbeing.
Living with parents who don't speak, because one is abusive and controlling to the other, will be causing huge emotional damage.
You are still in an abusive relationship and he still controls everything.
I'm also very worried that you have aquired this bursary dishonestly. You can't just not declare that she has a father who pays towards her needs, even when you split.
You need to leave with your daughter. Find a fulltime job. Stop being so passive. What support can you harness to make this happen?
Prioritise.

This is a really good point about the bursary. As you are living with your ex surely his income needed to be considered and you might not be entitled to it.
You have already said he is controlling and is unlikely to agree to the school so he could easily bring an end to it by informing them of your living conditions and his own income.

I’m in a similar boat OP, in terms of feeling stuck but some of that is of my own making. Maybe DDs offer of a place will give you the confidence you need to get out of there. Go and talk to a solicitor, or Women’s Aid about coercive control, as a starting point. Some solicitors offer a free half hour. Also try ChatGPT - it’s really helpful!

I second the advice to check the terms of the scholarship- DD is in an independent school on scholarship and your post actually made me check (again) her terms.

But you really, really need to split formally so that this arsewipe can’t control you or your daughter any more.

Both parents need to agree on the education of their child - this was the legal advice I was given.

The first answer is correct. You should have sorted the housing issue before secondary school applications and upped your hours so you can save more. By not moving, you have made this situation a lot more complicated and this is unfair on your dd.

If you are still living with your ex in September will you be committing bursary fraud because if you are then his income or child maintenance payments from him should surely factor into the bursary application?

Definitely check the conditions of the bursary. How many years will it be paid for? Will DD be expected to take further exams in year 9 for example for the bursary to continue

Spend the weekend taking photos of all relevant financial paperwork - husband's wages, pension, investments, savings plus mortgage details and any other debts. Also make sure you have the details of all outgoings

On Monday see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings

You need to get divorced, house sold, money split. You can only do that through a solicitor, because your husband will bully you if you don't have a solicitor

What your husband wants is only 50% relevant and as you are married everything will be split according to the law - if your daughter lives with you this will possibly be 70/30 in your favour