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First Mothers day NC with MIL

115 replies

Coldfebdays · 20/02/2026 14:52

Just some advice from those in a similar situation because im feeling really sad about it all.

last summer MIL went NC with us thanks to the wonderful lies my SIL’s had been soinning about myself and my DH for years, she rang me after a particular lie her wonderful daughters had said and screamed, swore, ripped me to shreds and slammed the phone down, she blocked me in her temper on all SC and quite frankly I made the descision there and then that I would never again be soft enough to expose myself to their lies and abuse (a complete people pleaser) she has made no attempt to reach out to myself or her grandchildren (she is their only living grandmother) despite me spelling out the truth with proof to boot.

anyhow life has been blissfull other than having to deal with DC’s emotions and questions about why we font see her anymore. But with mothersday coming up im finding myself asking should i post a card? I used to every year with MUM on despite my own mother passing away 12 years ago, along with lovely gifts. Shes not my mother, shes been a terrible example of what a good grandmother should be, but do i still send one from the children? I know the answer deep down… im just feeling so sad about it all, should i take the lead in being the better person?

OP posts:
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PopcornKitten · 21/02/2026 14:40

Coldfebdays · 21/02/2026 13:00

thank you. Its infuriating because i have people in the community approaching me saying things like “oh how are you oh MIL says your kids are doing so and so etc” so she is obviously finding stuff out about us and giving the impression to everyone else that she is still a doting grandmother who is very much involved! I do tell people straight and they are gobsmacked “oh but she said…” yeah…

Fortunately my MIL is too far away and all her flying monkeys have gone with her so I don’t have this issue.
if she knows stuff she has no way of letting me know this. I’m sorry you have people ‘helpfully’ telling you these things. It must be very stressful.
one thing I’ve learnt is that you can’t change what other people say and do. Your MIL will say all tha stuff whether it’s true or not. You are best if saying to friends that you don’t want to discuss her and tactfully changing the subject if acquaintances say things like that again.
you are only in control of your reactions not other peoples actions. It’s a shift in perspective but it does work and I rarely think about the ILs. It does get easier.
I think it’s good that your DH is also NC as the makes it easier too.

Coldfebdays · 21/02/2026 13:00

PopcornKitten · 21/02/2026 11:54

MIL has laid down her boundaries. She has chosen to go NC. However you feel about the situation (sounds like obligation, guilt, people pleasing) you need to respect the NC and stop trying to initiate contact.
also, backing down and pushing for a relationship isn’t going to change how she treats you.

thank you. Its infuriating because i have people in the community approaching me saying things like “oh how are you oh MIL says your kids are doing so and so etc” so she is obviously finding stuff out about us and giving the impression to everyone else that she is still a doting grandmother who is very much involved! I do tell people straight and they are gobsmacked “oh but she said…” yeah…

OP posts:
PopcornKitten · 21/02/2026 11:54

MIL has laid down her boundaries. She has chosen to go NC. However you feel about the situation (sounds like obligation, guilt, people pleasing) you need to respect the NC and stop trying to initiate contact.
also, backing down and pushing for a relationship isn’t going to change how she treats you.

toomuchfaff · 20/02/2026 23:48

KaleidoscopeSmile · 20/02/2026 16:31

Thanks ChatGPT

There's nothing in OP's post to say she's having a "trauma response" and fawning is of a magnitude of difference to people pleasing. Try "moral cowardice". That's a closer equivalent to people pleasing

It was google...

No matter, OP appreciated the info, thats what counts.

Coldfebdays · 20/02/2026 21:59

Yourcousinrachel · 20/02/2026 21:55

Dont send her the card. As others have said do not reward the people who have maligned and mistreated you. The ball is in her court. If she wants to see you and the kids, she knows an apology will be needed. Make sure your kids dont learn the people pleasing tendency you (and me! ☺️) have. You may be feeling some kind of misplaced "guilt" but analyse it. What would you tell a friend in the same situation. This is just you unlearning a pattern and learning to break it. You are behaving in a new way but its not wrong, you are not being rude, your decision to not send a card is reasonable, given what has happened.

If you send one, you are opening the door to more abuse. Stay strong. You are keeping in touch with FIL so thats good.

Thank you, it is guilt that i am feeling and behaving in a way that is foreign to me

OP posts:
Yourcousinrachel · 20/02/2026 21:55

Dont send her the card. As others have said do not reward the people who have maligned and mistreated you. The ball is in her court. If she wants to see you and the kids, she knows an apology will be needed. Make sure your kids dont learn the people pleasing tendency you (and me! ☺️) have. You may be feeling some kind of misplaced "guilt" but analyse it. What would you tell a friend in the same situation. This is just you unlearning a pattern and learning to break it. You are behaving in a new way but its not wrong, you are not being rude, your decision to not send a card is reasonable, given what has happened.

If you send one, you are opening the door to more abuse. Stay strong. You are keeping in touch with FIL so thats good.

Purplecatshopaholic · 20/02/2026 21:06

Not your circus op. Shes not your mother, she’s not your children’s mother. This is for your DH to deal with. Or not. Let it go, she sounds awful.

Netcurtainnelly · 20/02/2026 20:11

No, not if your not speaking what's the point.

PeanutCat1 · 20/02/2026 20:09

No don’t send a card, I know it’s really hard but you have to protect your peace and it’s also down to your DH really if he wants to organise something.

I have been there with my own FIL and I know how bloody shitty it is and how horrid it makes you feel, I felt extremely guilty even though FIL had treated us really badly but it’s been over 18 months now and I don’t really think about it all so much.

The fact you even want to send a card and you feel bad shows that you’re a good person but sadly your MIL isn’t deserving of that kindness maybe try and redirect it elsewhere. Stay strong, I know it’s really tough

PruthePrune · 20/02/2026 20:04

Where has your DH been during all this? Has he not said anything to defend you or put MIL straight?

Coldfebdays · 20/02/2026 19:42

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Thank you 😅

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Winkblinky · 20/02/2026 19:40

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Coldfebdays · 20/02/2026 19:40

Ghostface333 · 20/02/2026 19:17

It absolutely does get better - my MIL doesn’t even cross my mind anymore.
Stay strong!

Thank you :)

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Coldfebdays · 20/02/2026 19:39

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Yes I did say that I was having a day of second guessing myself and needed the reminder of how bloody terrible they are.

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Coldfebdays · 20/02/2026 19:38

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Really? The first time ever standing up for myself after years of lies, passive aggressive comments, outright aggressive comments and being wrongly accused swore at and shouted at down the phone, finally standing up for myself equates to someone who loves drama? Well I’ll be damned.

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ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 20/02/2026 19:25

Coldfebdays · 20/02/2026 15:04

It was easy to prove but they dont want to know

Oh Damn, that'll teach me not to read the full thread!
Poor FiL as well as your poor husband, you and your children.

Ghostface333 · 20/02/2026 19:17

Coldfebdays · 20/02/2026 19:08

Thank you, this what i needed to hear, it gets easier :)

It absolutely does get better - my MIL doesn’t even cross my mind anymore.
Stay strong!

Coldfebdays · 20/02/2026 19:08

Ghostface333 · 20/02/2026 19:07

No don’t do it! We are also NC with MIL. First round of occasions Mother’s Day, birthday, Christmas etc it’s tricky to stick to your guns. It gets easier. We are now 4 years NC and life without the pressure and anxiety of being around MIL is so much better. Push through, you can do it!

Thank you, this what i needed to hear, it gets easier :)

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Ghostface333 · 20/02/2026 19:07

No don’t do it! We are also NC with MIL. First round of occasions Mother’s Day, birthday, Christmas etc it’s tricky to stick to your guns. It gets easier. We are now 4 years NC and life without the pressure and anxiety of being around MIL is so much better. Push through, you can do it!

Winkblinky · 20/02/2026 19:03

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Winkblinky · 20/02/2026 19:02

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MCF86 · 20/02/2026 18:57

Absolutely not.
If your husband wants to, that's up to him but you've had to explain to your children that they don't see her anymore, how confusing if you then ask them to send a card!

Shellythesnail2333 · 20/02/2026 18:55

God no dont do it!!! Looks to me you want a nice female relative to be close to, but, these people are not it!!! How dare MIL scream and shout at u OP, you don’t deserve that! You had been too nice, and they’ve walked all
over you, horrible! Have you a sister or cousin on your family side that you can spend time with? Please do not send this woman a card

Setsquares · 20/02/2026 18:55

Coldfebdays · 20/02/2026 18:52

Thats your opinion and thats fine , i gave to my mil because i actually wanted to for years, she did help with the grandchildren once upon a time and it was my way of telling her I was greatful, its not wife work nonsense. Telling someone to grow up whilst trying to navigate a difficult family situation and do whats best s really rude.

You must be enjoying it, otherwise you would have just told DH to crack on and stepped away.

As many, many posters have pointed out - it's not your problem. Butt out and let him deal with his own parents.

MyNextDoorNeighbourVotesReform · 20/02/2026 18:54

Coldfebdays · 20/02/2026 16:24

Yes have a good relationship with FIL, he does not believe the lies and has tried his very best to make his wife see sense, ge has been fantastic and him believing me (well believing the undeniable truth) has meant that his wife and daughters also now treat him poorly too. They have said things like

Tell FIL and DH that DH is dealing with any Mothering Sunday cards and gifts from now on. From DH and from the children

Stop being a people pleaser or at least pretend that you're not a people pleaser

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