AIBU fuming over DS16 returning home drunk

and your point is...?

Also, I told my sons if they ever got in trouble to call us. Whatever the time is, we will come and we won't lecture them. You should avoid your children not calling for help when they really need it because they are afraid of your reaction. We actually never got the call other than our son calling to report a minor fender bender in his dad's car. The one thing that does make me nervous is a whole carful of teenagers - even stone cold sober the serious accident rate rate increases enormously - and I urged them never to travel with a lot of other teenagers with a teenage driver at the wheel.

One of my colleague's daughters attended a university hall of residence - where they had to dress for dinner. Their daughter had to share a sitting room with another two students. One of the students was a nice person but she had a very strict Islamic upbringing and this was the first time she had some independence. She discovered alcohol and seemed to spend most of her time stumbling home thoroughly drunk and actually vomiting on the floor on several occasions. Things got so dire that my colleague's daughter took to exiting the premises via her bedroom window rather than venturing into the malodorous shared sitting room.

Back in the day, one of my classmates was allowed to move out when at university to some sort of select establishment for good Catholic girls. My friend had been to a co-ed school with slightly more liberal parents but most of these girls had been at single sex religious schools with very strict parents. My friend simply couldn't believe the amount of drinking that went on and young women manhandled up the stairs by their friends because they were too drunk to make it up there themselves by curfew. They also discovered boys and all sorts of shenanigans about men being smuggled in went on. The parents would have been horrified about what their daughters were up to.

I have sons. I have never given them any instructions as to drinking. They were sensible boys. One of them chose never to drink - with no pressure from me at all. The other one had allowed wine with dinner on odd occasions. He very soon worked out that he had a very low alcohol tolerance - I mean more than one glass of wine was about his limit before getting silly and giddy. He knows his limit and sticks to it. My mother sensibly never inquired about my drinking habits as a teenager.

In my experience, the stricter the parents the more likely their children will drink to excess when they have their freedom. If you ban your son from ever attending parties on the basis that he might have some small amount of alcohol along with sending you regular texts throughout the evening, he is soon going to end up friendless and planning to move out as soon as he possibly can.

Because a lot of us realise that they will do it anyway, so its better to accept it and have him be open about it.

I remember about 25 ish years ago a girl of 15 and her friend had conned their way into a club and was assaulted by a girl from her school (having done the same I guess). A technique we were all told about if you were grabbed from behind by a man was to scrape your heel down his leg (back when we all wore heels when out and about) and the bully had done that and made a right mess of the girls leg. My sister and I looked after her and offered to call her parents, her mate had fucked off. She was determined that we shouldnt as she would get into trouble. The ambulance people couldnt convince her either.

Imagine that was your child. Too worried about your reaction to them drinking than tell you that they had been assualted and were in hospital, injured.

Thats why so many of us accept that we cant stop them, but we can at least make sure that they at least know that they can call us should something awful happen.

Dear god
catch yourself on
be pleased he has mates/is popular enough to be getting the invites/living the teen life as it should be, experimenting, getting drunk/high and learning from it /making memories
unlike my SEN grandson who will probably never experience any of these fabulous life blocks
Chill out and turn a blind eye and be chuffed he’s a heathy teen being a healthy teen duck x

🙄 ok not illegal if an adult bought it. By the sounds of this thread probably they did...
Ok retract that part. But I still dont understand the attitude here?

And again.....its not illegal.

Abusive?? This is mad. As is the whole thread. And the persistent narrative that parents can't control teenagers. Parent them.
It might well be common place and I was one of those teenagers but it's still illegal, its not necessary for children to drink to 'know their limits' or to fit in. Alcohol is so harmful.
Do what you like but its not mad to ask a 16 yr old not to drink and expect them to respect that.

I don't think you know how alcohol works, which makes me question if you're projecting some unchallenged issues onto your son.

You're being quite narcissistic with your accusations toward your son and it sounds very aggressive and abusive - Mentally. Abuse can come in many forms. Are you an older parent? That might also be a consequence of your attitude.

Your son is behaving normally for his age and had the courtesy to message you throughout the day - What more do you want? You sound very controlling...is this the hill you wish to alienate your son on? Don't forget he will be an adult one day and he'll remember how you behaved. Don't end up as one of these parents who end up with a child who goes NC.

You are not going to be able to stop him. The only thing you'll achieve is that he will not call you if he's been drinking and he needs help.
You need to find a balance

Would you happen to also be from Northern Ireland by any chance? Because the going out for an aul swall only to be held up at gunpoint sounds like a typical teenage inconvenience to me. I mind wondering where my ex was until I heard on the news that someone in the local area had been arrested for breaking into the shop belonging to a lad that had done something bad to him. So I was like ahh that's where he is then. The relationship didn't work out would you believe.

You told him don't drink and he did anyway. So he's not going to listen to you going forward. He's 16, not 12. In 2 short years you won't have any control over whether he drinks alcohol or not. Of course kids at this age, when they're told not to, will do exactly that. Why not allow him a drink at home now and again? It removes the forbidden fruit aspect. Obviously it's wrong to lie to you and betray your trust and disobey your rules. I just want you to look at it and meet him in a way that won't result in him doing something worse to spite you.

Your threatening that he will never go to another party if he has one drink is ridiculous. There's no way you can enforce it and he probably knows that which is why he likely ignored it.

Maybe discuss the situation but agree together a more achievable boundary like allowing him 2 or 3 drinks or allowing him to drink low alcohol beers or shandy or something, with a rule that he mustn't get drunk until he is 18

It's unfortunately kind of irrelevant. My mum is a very strict and Conservative Christian absolute tee totaller and was extremely strict about us not drinking. I drank a little and hid it because I was so scared of her finding out.. my sister on the other hand got blocked and slept in fields or friends houses and didn't come home until she could hide it. My mum thought she was all over it, but she didn't have a clue what we were at. One night I was out in town with friends at about 17 and we got stranded and held at gunpoint for a while. And the only thing I could think of was i wish I could ring home. But I couldn't because I knew how severe the reaction would be.

So irregardless of what a parents religious view is, you can't assume your child will live their life in the same way when you're not around. So it then comes down to safety and can your child call you when things go wrong.

Then she'll have to confine him to his room and never let him out ......

Seriously SHE might be muslim by belief but he is not - he is a blank page on which to inscribe his own decisions/choices. Being from a muslim family should not stop him socialising with his peers, nor learning how to manage alcohol sensibly.

@happyandhealthy4

Sure. But abstinence from it is your choice as an older, wiser, adult, you can’t enforce that on your son, and trying to do so will likely have the opposite effect to what your aiming for.

Teach him to be responsible about it, and to stay safe, of the risks and dangers. Awareness, education and empowerment is more powerful in the long run.

Ultimately, it is your choice on how to parent, of course, but I, along with many others, think your strategy will not have the good longterm outcome come you would like.

Also this.

Sadly, OP, this.

You need to follow through on this one, but it may be helpful to review, and perhaps adjust, your expectations, values, rigid rules etc..

I love it when people come on here and say 'AIBU' and everybody unanimously says, 'Yes, you are BU'. And then they go on to continue fighting their corner and saying that they're right. Why did you ask?

MN is very relaxed about teenagers drinking and often encourage parents to buy the alcohol. The debate seems to be what age is fine to start. One of the many weird things when it comes to MN and what age is appropriate to do things.

It is not uncommon for 16yo to drink at parties. It also doesnt mean that you have to be fine with it.

Try to be realistic. It sounds like you’ve got a good one there, so don’t ruin what was a lovely event for him.

He kept communication open with you. Some kids refuse blank to do this, or say they will and don’t!

He’s getting older so don’t push him away.

Sadly the UK has an underage drinking problem akin to the adult alcohol drinking issue. More underage kids drink and are tolerated with their drinking in UK thanks most other nations (bar Aus). So you won’t get much support on here I’m afraid as I know parents at my DDs school actively seem to encourage giving them good gin and good vodka to take to parties etc at 16.
stick to your own values but don’t set up a situation where your son starts to lie to you as that’s worse.

Was just thinking if answers here would be different...

I think she would have mentioned it.

As most others have said…it’s pretty much a given rite of passage…..
ah, those days…..getting home (somehow) trying to act like you haven’t drunk too much…and probably failing miserably judging by my parents reaction 😂
then spending an hour or so calling to Ruth on the big white telephone 🤮 while trying not to let your hair get in the way…….
the raging hangover the next day was way more punishment then anything my parents could think up………