Was I right to leave?

But then, I was lucky enough to have a mum that bombed hours up the motorway to give me emotional and practical help on the multiple occasions my first was hospitalised - and stuck around until I was ready for her to go.

Despite me having a husband and being an adult. 🙄

You don't know that. Although if I was OP, I'd probably lower expectations that her dd would drop everything for her after this. 😂

Of course you don't get everything you ask for from people. But it's valid to feel hurt in this situation.

I'd absolutely have sent my apologies re the christening and stayed.

Absolutely not. She’s an adult. She has a husband

we have all been there with kids, lack of
sleep etc.

the tiredness has made her unreasonable

But you can want all kinds of things from other people. It doesn't mean you always get them. Would the OPs DD be willing to give up her own plans at any moment because her DM wants her to? I doubt it. You can't say yes to everything.

But it's not solely about practical help, is it?

Her dd is perfectly aware she has a husband, i imagine. He's probably as worried, wrung out emotionally and tired as she is, if he's a decent man.

It's probably as much about wanting her mum with her (and wanting her to want to be there for her) as it is to entertain the eldest or do chores.

Sure, couples can manage on their own, and single parents have to, but there's no prizes for stoicism and struggling when you can ask for extra support.

I agree that this DD wouldn't have felt great in the moment and I would cut her some slack for how she reacted. It's possible that in time and after some sleep she will appreciate that there was someone there to look after her older child while the younger was ill.

It may or may not detract from their relationship long-term.

It's perfectly valid for her dd to feel hurt that when asked to stay longer, OP chose to prioritise the christening instead.

She may accept that and be OK with it, or it may damage their relationship.

She's not fine with it right now because she's tired, emotional and worried over her sick baby and wanted her mum around.

Because I'd argue that the immediate crisis was over and there was another adult in the household. My own loved ones all had their own lives, I'm sure my parents were told no to some requests, it didn't detract from our relationship.

She might well have a significant friendship with the other family, but unless she had Godmother role or other vital part in the event, I can't see why it would trump helping out her dd when the baby was just out of hospital.

As a beloved guest, of course they might miss her and she likewise be sad to miss it, but I doubt they'd expect her to choose the christening.

I wonder if the "ditching your grandchildren for a random kids christening" narrative is a reflection of the general misanthropy and obsession with nuclear family on here.

The OP may well have a very significant friendship with the people involved and the event be something of real importance rather than just some cheap excuse to ditch her daughter. It's sad that some people can't imagine someone having such a meaningful relationship with something outside of their family.

We've probably all had circumstances change at some point and been faced with the decision to miss out on something we were looking forward to and it can suck.

You were clearly looking forward to the christening, but, this is your grandchild who has been unwell and your daughter asking for help, as opposed to your friend's granddaughter being christened. I definitely think your own family should have been the priority.

Yes, baby had come home from hospital, yes, the husband was arounds, but your daughter asked you to stay, so it's probably made her feel like shit that you didn't.

No doubt your daughter will have found a way to get through the tough time, but now she knows where she stands on your priority list.

I'd say this will take more than a simple apology. As a daughter, I'd have a hard time getting past this. My mother was more than difficult, but had one of our kids been sick, she would have dropped everything to help.

There are plenty of people with no family help at all available and they just have to cope. The mother had already been staying there helping out and it was unfair to expect her to change her plans, the baby was out of hospital.

Regularly?
Who said this was a regular occurrence?

Why are you calling a mother who regularly makes the 3 hour trip to give her dd free child care for multiple days a cold fish?

I can't imagine ever saying no to my daughter in this situation, especially for a friend's grandchild's christening.

If asking my mum for help makes me a loser, I guess I’m a loser 🤷

I’d rather be a loser than a cold fish

On the whole I think there's absolutely nothing wrong with grandparents having boundaries and I know plenty of adult kids who take the piss, but friend's granddaughters christening vs my own daughter needing me after my grandchild had been ill enough to be seen in hospital...no way would I have left my DD if I'd been in your position.

so you put a friends grandchild over your own ..you daughter will always remember this .. you reap what you sow OP

A daughter can be in the mood sometimes, especially when she is a teenager. But you must stay focused and roll with the punches during this time or they stress you out.

Was attending the christening about a commitment to someone you’re very close to or were you making a point of only staying for the agreed time? If you couldn’t miss it, maybe you could have compromised and left the Friday evening or come back after the christening.

Your daughter went through a scary time which emotionally and physically exhausted her (feelings she’s still experiencing) and she feels hurt her mum couldn’t give her that extra time, so of course she’s going to be off with you. If you regret it, acknowledge it and suggest a time when you can come back and support her. If you don’t regret it, you’ll have to accept her reaction and hope it doesn’t damage your relationship.

Again, there is a husband and father at home who is perfectly capable of supporting his wife and child.

Funny how people think the husband’s plans (work) are more important than OP’s plans.

Most employers allow parental leave for child sickness, he should take time off for his family.

But she can rely on her mum, her mum regularly travels up to stay days with her dd to support her with childcare. The dd was discharged from hospital so was fine to be home with her parents.

It makes me really sad that just because OP had a prior commitment this time, you’ve dismissed all her other help and support as worthless.

Yes, because a Christening is so much more important than supporting your child.

A social engagement where you're not that important should definitely trump the needs of your daughter and grandchild.

I agree with this 💯. Sometimes dad and other relatives have to step up. You've done your bit OP so don't be guilt tripped on this. 🤔

I wouldn’t have refused a direct request for help like that and if your daughter knows your reasons are a social event I expect she is incredibly hurt. Rightly so.