Was I right to leave?

I already had plans for the weekend (friend’s granddaughters christening)

Surely the christening won't be until Sunday so you could have stayed until Friday or even Saturday if they really needed the help

Seeing as you asked I would have stayed with your family. I wouldn’t have left in these circumstances to attend a friend’s granddaughter's christening. There may be prior commitments that require a bit more thinking about but they would be few and far between and don’t think objectively that ultimately any of them would trump a sick baby grandchild.

@SargeMarge absolutely spot on. This is 100% something my mum would do as well and I would react the same as the daughter here tbh. If my mum asked for help if I went there after a stressful few days I would never say no let alone if my daughter asked. It sounds more like a ‘I’ve done this for 4 days so that’s my quota’ (similar to mine). Also as someone whose parents also stop over sometimes it takes more time and energy with somebody else in the house too so it’s not just a one way street (on the assumption food was in the house, meals were prepared, house was clean, your room was clean and made when you arrived and everything was there for you) it sounds like she just needed her mum as a daughter and not a ‘childminder’ as well tbh

Well reading some of these replies; its easy to see those more likely to be sat old and alone in their nursing home with no visitors, whilst their families who have "more important stuff" to do like washing their windows or watching paint dry visit once a month for half hour on a Sunday.

Of course, no-one (especially your direct descendants) are entitled to support, especially when they are struggling and ask you outright. 🙄 Better things to do, after all you had those kids; they're your responsibility, we have a life you know, you better be thankful I came at all...

Best make sure you have many a hobby to keep you entertained in your old age because maintaining good relationships isnt your strong point

Totally agree!

The other person commented on here about being "jolly lucky" to have the help. Can't see them having a great relationship with grandchildren

It's between you, your daughter and your grandkids really.

If you preferred attending a religious event for some unrelated kid that's fine, it's your choice, your daughter can proceed with that knowledge.

Is it not transactional to be loved because you're the person doing stuff for the family all the time?

I see both sides of the coin. My mum was lovely, kind and funny. No way in hell would she have been around all the time to look after children or grandchildren, she wasn't that sort of person and she liked her own space and doing her own things.. But I think people loved her because she was lovely, not because what she did for them.

Surely your grand kids come before your friends ?
You should have stayed

This thread really highlights the stark difference between people who fully encompass being a mother and those who have 'done their time'.
I can't help but compare my mother and mother in law.
My mother would of done her 3 days babysitting (as a huge push) and skipped out of their rejoicing that its now her time and she's got her boundaries to keep.

My MIL would of have to be dragged kicking and screaming away from her poorly grandchild.

Guess which one has amazing relationships with all her kids and grandkids, she is the glue to the family, so appreciated and loved, she is warm and selfless and everyone can see it within hours of meeting her.
The other (my mother if you guessed correctly) is transactional, standoffish, cold with no real relationships but by hell she has good boundaries and knows how to put herself first. I guess it depends on what you want out of life.

Simply not true. It's well documented that grandparents are taking on the children more and more because both parents have to go to work as everything is so expensive.

I think a lot of people feel that their parents should help out with the grandchildren whenever they have need for it, forgetting they have lives themselves.

While your daughter is reasonable to ask, you are also reasonable to say no if you don’t want to. It’s unreasonable to be short with you - they are adults and you are an adult! They will manage.

It would have been nice for you to do it, but you are simply entitled to do what you want.

I cannot imagine my parents ever prioritising a friend’s grandchild’s christening over helping us with a sick baby, especially if I had specifically asked.

The Uk, especially boomer grandparents and onwards, are getting more and more cold towards family. Boomers had it all, but want to give very little help their adult children and grandchildren and each generation has taken that and gotten worse. Most countries place important in family ties and being a team. People here just don’t bother. It’s sad.

I can't believe you didn't stay, your daughter needs help and your grandchild has been poorly. You should have been there for her

This is an attiditude we often have in the UK, but much of the world (and evolutionary science) would disagree that helping to look after your own grandchildren is doing a favour for your adult children.

Well, personally I think if you help in half term, you've already been helpful and I presume you do this often? You can't be there for all of life's ups and downs and the baby was out of hospital and with medication - that's the most important.

Hubby should take a day off if his wife is shattered and they can take turns looking after the children while the other sleeps. As kind as it would've been to stay and help, you don't have to and you do have your own life to lead. She shouldn't take it out of you either, I think that's not on personally. Feel free to step back on all help if that kind of attitude continues because it may feel like whatever you do, it's not enough.

Perfectly reasonable, OP, as you have a pre-existing commitment. In fact, she should consider herself jolly lucky that you went down for 4 days - most couples are perfectly capable of looking after 2 children, regardless of half-term, or a child's illness.
Family do not always come first - we all have equally/more important friends, jobs and events.

Respectfully OP you should have stayed. You live quite away from your daughter so it’s not as if she calls on you to help daily. Your grandson only came home the night before & you prioritised a christening over family?! Wild horses wouldn’t have dragged me away. I would have told my daughter I was staying however long she needed me for. It’s family they come first always and yes you prioritise. I don’t think you realise how much you have hurt your daughter by leaving. She has every right to be short with you. If it was me I would be too busy & too tired to spk to you. I don’t owe you an update or anything. I hope the friends christening was worth it.

Spot on

Also who has a christening on a friday?

friend’s granddaughters christening

You had every right to leave; of course you did and to boot you had plans.

However, your actions spoke volumes about your priorities; and a needy daughter with a sick grandchild who is struggling really would and should trump a friend’s granddaughters christening.

You told your daughter that a friend’s granddaughters christening was more important than her wanting her mum around, her struggle, her life, your time.

A friend’s granddaughters christening; yes of course you had every right to leave, but you told her she wasnt as important as the reason you left, after all, all it would have taken was "Oh Mabel, so sorry I wont make it this weekend, im at daughter's and baby has been in hospital, im going to stay here" - absolutely understandable - who wouldnt accept that you were putting you immediate family first?

Your daughter needs her Mum and she probably is struggling that you left her and your grandchildren for a social occasion with a friend's grandchild. I could never walk away in such circumstances. Her husband may be there but she wanted you.
Not surprised she is being short. Have to say I would probably be the same.
When is the christening?

You didn’t ‘have’ to stay, but your daughter asked you for help. Unless this is a regular occurrence where she asks every week for this or that and you had to put your foot down to draw a boundary, I’m afraid I think YABU.

Ooooff I absolutely would of stayed.

If my baby granddaughter has been taken to hospital and my daughter asked for help there's no way I would say no I've got a christening to go to.

I guess you need to ask yourself why you didn't want to stay in that moment?

It's BS saying we'll I've already helped for 3 days already, that was under normal circumstances, this is your poorly grandaughter, I would stay as long as I could....

I think it's a hard situation. You maybe could have stayed an extra day to help her get another night of rest and feel supported.

I would expect your son in law to be doing a big share of the load too though.