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Original poster

Ex wants to stop paying for DC whilst so he can get a mortgage

185 replies

fedupofex · 20/02/2026 10:33

Me and my ex share 2 DC together.
Both under 4 and live with me full time.

I live in a rented HA property whilst he currently resides in a council flat.

Because I live in a house he is adamant that he should also live in a house.

He is 43 and feels as if the time is going for him to purchase a property.

He is now asking if he can stop paying me child maintenance so when he goes for a mortgage it won't show on his bank statements that he pays me XYZ every week.

He was out of work from November last year and only started work last week.
He paid me no money this time.

He generally is an awful person to be honest.

In my last pregnancy I suffered life threatening complications during child birth and all he did was abuse me in the hospital and even the midwives were so alarmed that they had written this in my notes.

All he did was complain about having time of work to help me with the baby.

He see's DC for few hours a week and think thats parenting, he has no idea how hard it is.

He has also just got a new car Mercedes on HP.

I don't feel this is fair or right what he is asking.

I want to know would I be unreasonable to just let it all go through the courts?
I don't want him seeing the kids when he is not even paying me.
He only see's them for 4 hours on a weekend.
Never had them stay over.
He does live 45 minutes away however which is a huge factor due to petrol.

It is hard for me as I only work part time and I would love to save for a house but it would be impossible at this stage.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
CommonlyKnownAs · 10/03/2026 16:22

JHound · 10/03/2026 15:10

So how does he plan to afford CS once he gets his mortgage?!

I think we know the answer to that one!

JHound · 10/03/2026 15:10

So how does he plan to afford CS once he gets his mortgage?!

Gossipisgood · 10/03/2026 15:09

Tell him you want double what he's meant to be paying as you'd also like to buy a house & will need it to get a mortgage. If he thinks you're being unreasonable just give him the look that says, 'yeah, it's unreasonable, just like your request to not pay child maintenance is' don't agree to it & if he doesn't pay take him to court or claim through CSA.

everypageisempty · 05/03/2026 16:44

CMS all the way

PotatoLove · 05/03/2026 16:41

Ugh, what a complete twatwaffle he is!

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 05/03/2026 13:48

PS: If he wanted to pay you in cash he could easily have made a payment into your bank account by depositing the cash at a post office himself. But he hasn't even considered that option, never mind done it.

He has chosen not to pay you for the past 3/4 months, even though the children have blatantly existed throughout that time, and feeding/ housing/ clothing them costs money.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 05/03/2026 13:42

If he's really earning £30k (before tax) and you have 2 children - also assuming he doesn't have any more children with anyone else, CMS will expect him to pay you £400/ month (£92/week).
If he was sensible he'd accept this, and pay this by bank transfer, keep his nose down at his new job and ditch the Merc/ expensive takeaways, and actually save some money.
As he really should be buying things like birthday and Xmas gifts for them too - and this isn't supposed to come from the maintenance payments!

I'm sorry that he seems to be such an over-entitled, abusive prick. I hope Womens Aid are able to give you some useful advice about how to set boundaries around how he behaves. Good luck!

PS: well done for getting out of the relationship! things can only get better from here on!

Bonkers1966 · 05/03/2026 13:33

My goodness. It sounds as if it is dawning on him that he may not get his own way and has ramped up the abuse as a direct consequence. What a vile creature he is. So sorry, OP. Time to really stand by those boundaries. If he's going to criticise you then he doesn't cross your threshold. Stay strong and good luck.

OriginalUsername2 · 05/03/2026 12:46

He’s an idiot to say the least. Stop listening to anything he says, he just makes stuff up as it suits him. Be as bland as possible around him. If he says you’re not a proper woman just say “Okay” and shrug your shoulders. You can stop caring what he thinks, nothing he says is true.

Nofeckingway · 05/03/2026 12:39

Haha . Proper woman.! A real man supports his kids . You've tried this method . Now it's CMS time and also setting up legally setting up visitation . Only those times and if he doesn't show , too bad . You are not his friend or mate so you don't have to exchange any messages or contact with him. But content yourself that you are having a lucky escape and doing the right thing . It will get easier.

MO0N · 05/03/2026 12:28

I presume a proper woman is one who automatically obeys a man!
Thank God I'm not a proper woman 😄
However this man sounds like a massive thorn in your side op, I can't help but wonder if the money is worth the aggravation?

BudgetBuster · 05/03/2026 11:13

fedupofex · 05/03/2026 10:46

Update:
It looks as if I will be going through CMS.

He paid a little bit more by accident last week (his error) and so he isn't paying me this week to make up the difference of what he would have paid me (£40).

He told me " Are you fucking stupid? When somebody tells you they are saving for a house you don't ask them for money". " A proper woman wouldn't do that".

He also suggested that he buys nappies and food etc instead of paying me.

On the last visit over the weekend he was still verbally abusive and criticising me.

I am going to contact Women's Aid today and see what my options are as his abuse is just getting worse.

There is no set schedule he has DC and is always when it suits him/fits in around his life.

Honestly he's not worth the brain space.
Go through CMS and you shouldn't have to be asking him every week for money for HIS kids

AmberSpy · 05/03/2026 11:10

fedupofex · 05/03/2026 10:46

Update:
It looks as if I will be going through CMS.

He paid a little bit more by accident last week (his error) and so he isn't paying me this week to make up the difference of what he would have paid me (£40).

He told me " Are you fucking stupid? When somebody tells you they are saving for a house you don't ask them for money". " A proper woman wouldn't do that".

He also suggested that he buys nappies and food etc instead of paying me.

On the last visit over the weekend he was still verbally abusive and criticising me.

I am going to contact Women's Aid today and see what my options are as his abuse is just getting worse.

There is no set schedule he has DC and is always when it suits him/fits in around his life.

"A proper woman wouldn't do that" made my blood boil. A proper man would step up to provide real support to the kids he helped to bring into the world. What a prick. Glad you are going through CMS OP, hope it all works out well for you. 🤞

Original poster
fedupofex · 05/03/2026 10:46

Update:
It looks as if I will be going through CMS.

He paid a little bit more by accident last week (his error) and so he isn't paying me this week to make up the difference of what he would have paid me (£40).

He told me " Are you fucking stupid? When somebody tells you they are saving for a house you don't ask them for money". " A proper woman wouldn't do that".

He also suggested that he buys nappies and food etc instead of paying me.

On the last visit over the weekend he was still verbally abusive and criticising me.

I am going to contact Women's Aid today and see what my options are as his abuse is just getting worse.

There is no set schedule he has DC and is always when it suits him/fits in around his life.

OP posts:
Merseymum1980 · 25/02/2026 10:30

Is there much point in him seeing the children if irs a few hours a week? This is more like a fun uncle and not great for emotional stability as kids get older.
Is it because he doesnt have a spare bedroom and perphaps he wants a mortgage to have them longer?

MsSquiz · 25/02/2026 10:22

fedupofex · 21/02/2026 22:32

Hi
So I explained to him that paying me in cash causes me an inconvenience as all my bills come out my bank and I don't have time to go to the bank every week.

I am glad that people have confirmed what I have been thinking, he won't be able to buy a house on his salary.

He also has a default from November 2025.

He has now told me that he will be selling all his gold in a bid to save for this house deposit.

He is very immature for his age and quite child like, so I just let him carry on.

I have also told him no more visits in my house, he needs to take DC out of my house.
I even have to help him change my youngest's nappy, there is no break for me.

He absolutely is a vile abusive creep as PP correctly pointed out.

I will see next week if he pays me into my bank as when I reminded him yesterday he said "oh but that messes up my house situation".

He is lucky to live in a council flat close to a city centre, and it would make sense for him to buy that but because I live in a house he has to live in a house.

Even when he got his new car last month he told me before he came "You may not like this and get jealous".
Very childish.

Edited

You are still giving him all of the power.
file a CMS claim and be done with him

StolenTeapots · 23/02/2026 09:11

autumncrisp · 20/02/2026 10:39

Children are not pay per view. Maintenance and visitation are two separate things.

It's quite worrying that you say he's an awful man but the only reason you dont want him visiting his children is because he doesn't pay you.

Go to court.

This. I was with op until this. Poor kids all round in this situation

FairKoala · 22/02/2026 13:46

janj52301 · 21/02/2026 19:18

I'm interested to know how a single bloke gets a council house!!

Friends exh got a council flat. He worked for the local housing authority. Said he needed a 3 bed one because he had joint 50/50 with friend and they had 2 dc.

He didn’t have 50/50 he had EOW and as soon as he got the flat he stopped seeing his children

Trillie · 22/02/2026 10:31

If he’s that keen to see them he can step up to his responsibilities and pay for them, as both parents should.

MeridianB · 22/02/2026 09:14

Agree with @BudgetBuster - keep communication strictly about the children and maintenance and ignore everything else.

BudgetBuster · 22/02/2026 09:08

fedupofex · 21/02/2026 22:32

Hi
So I explained to him that paying me in cash causes me an inconvenience as all my bills come out my bank and I don't have time to go to the bank every week.

I am glad that people have confirmed what I have been thinking, he won't be able to buy a house on his salary.

He also has a default from November 2025.

He has now told me that he will be selling all his gold in a bid to save for this house deposit.

He is very immature for his age and quite child like, so I just let him carry on.

I have also told him no more visits in my house, he needs to take DC out of my house.
I even have to help him change my youngest's nappy, there is no break for me.

He absolutely is a vile abusive creep as PP correctly pointed out.

I will see next week if he pays me into my bank as when I reminded him yesterday he said "oh but that messes up my house situation".

He is lucky to live in a council flat close to a city centre, and it would make sense for him to buy that but because I live in a house he has to live in a house.

Even when he got his new car last month he told me before he came "You may not like this and get jealous".
Very childish.

Edited

Honestly the less communication you have the better.

If he doesn't pay on time next week, remind him BUT also just apply for CMS. It might be £15 less but honestly it's worth not having to text him every week. They're his kids.. they should be his priority.

The only time you need to converse about his housing is if it comes to a time he's moving etc and it affects the children. Otherwise, conversations like I'm selling my gold, I'm applying for a mortgage just don't warrant replies.

shuffleofftobuffalo · 22/02/2026 08:38

I think you need to draw some boundaries around this whole situation.

Don’t have him in your house again
Go through CMS
Stop listening to his tripe about getting a mortgage

it come across like you have only half broken up - if for no other reason do it to bring peace to your life and your kids’ lives.

Hayleybail · 22/02/2026 08:15

fedupofex · 20/02/2026 10:33

Me and my ex share 2 DC together.
Both under 4 and live with me full time.

I live in a rented HA property whilst he currently resides in a council flat.

Because I live in a house he is adamant that he should also live in a house.

He is 43 and feels as if the time is going for him to purchase a property.

He is now asking if he can stop paying me child maintenance so when he goes for a mortgage it won't show on his bank statements that he pays me XYZ every week.

He was out of work from November last year and only started work last week.
He paid me no money this time.

He generally is an awful person to be honest.

In my last pregnancy I suffered life threatening complications during child birth and all he did was abuse me in the hospital and even the midwives were so alarmed that they had written this in my notes.

All he did was complain about having time of work to help me with the baby.

He see's DC for few hours a week and think thats parenting, he has no idea how hard it is.

He has also just got a new car Mercedes on HP.

I don't feel this is fair or right what he is asking.

I want to know would I be unreasonable to just let it all go through the courts?
I don't want him seeing the kids when he is not even paying me.
He only see's them for 4 hours on a weekend.
Never had them stay over.
He does live 45 minutes away however which is a huge factor due to petrol.

It is hard for me as I only work part time and I would love to save for a house but it would be impossible at this stage.

Doesn't sound like he is getting a mortgage anytime soon, recently employed, new HP. Good luck. He would need to put on his application if he has any dependents. This is where the fraud will start. Apply to CMS today.

ItsOkItsDarkChocolate · 22/02/2026 08:12

@fedupofex
Great work OP on putting some boundaries in place! Future you won’t regret it!

£15 less is maybe a small price to pay for consistency….

ItsOkItsDarkChocolate · 22/02/2026 07:59

fedupofex · 20/02/2026 10:58

He said "a proper woman" would help the father of her kids to get a house so the kids have something for when he passes away.

He even had the cheek to ask if my parents would gift him the house deposit.

I have just text him that if he doesn't pay me I will be going through court.

I will also defo be reporting him for mortgage fraud as well.

WTAF?! That is the height of CF’ery!!!

I hope you laughed in his face?! 😂

Also, very glad he’s an ex!!

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