Engagement, elopement, general sadness

You seem to be deciding to elope, based on the behaviour of one person (mother). Don’t let the behaviour of one person dictate the sort of wedding you have, pick the wedding you want and stick with it. If you want to elope that’s fine, it’s also fine to have a wedding here and invite family and friends … if any of them choose not to go, that’s their decision

Was there another woman? I can only think thats would be why your mum reacted the way she did.

It was very awkward at my wedding, I walked down the aisle with my husband because I didn't want to upset dad (DF) or step dad (SD) (SD brought me up from being 4 and has done a hell of a lot more for me than my DF, in my eyes SD is more like my real dad - long story short me and DF have been NC for 15 years now since he sat and slagged my SD off). SD paid for the lot, he did a speech - he knows me better than DF. DF refused to come back for the evening reception.

I would elope. Lot less drama.

Congratulations on your engagement!

I disagree with posters saying that it's nothing to get excited about when you've already got a child and have been together so long. In many ways I think that's more of a cause for celebration, hopefully it's more likely to last given how well you already know each other and it's really lovely you're now formally becoming a family (from a purely practical point of view it's also possibly more important you have the protections of marriage for you and your child).

What's the back story with your parents? They haven't been divorced that long for your Dad to already be remarried. Had they been separated long before they got divorced? Was your Dad cheating/abusive?

I would be upset with both your parents. It doesn't seem like your Dad has any reason to be off about your marriage given he's already remarried. Your Mum it seems is still very hurt over the breakup, but no matter how hurt she may still be, or indeed cynical about marriage now, it's not ok for her to shout at you.

What are the rest of your family normally like? My only concern is they all have good reason to not be that excited about this marriage - is there any reason for them to be concerned about your partner?

Assuming they're all just miserable / selfish, do what suits you for your wedding, if you've got a lot of friends you'd like to celebrate with have the big wedding with your friends taking central stage and your family can either deal with it or stay away. If you'd rather elope with your partner and child do that.

Honestly I always think 'elopements' look like the better option and it's only not wanting to hurt my family that would stop me. But you don't need to worry about that, your family have no such concerns for you so put you and your new family first and do what suits you.

Congratulations! Yes to elopement, house move and a baby-save yourself the money and the stress!
my divorced parents are very similar, it caused be a great amount of stress before the day, my dad had a face like a slapped arse walking me down the aisle and was very rude to the registrar. The rest of the day was fine but could have done without the stress.
my brother eloped and was very happy!

I got a lack lustre response from my parents too , but I kind of expected it as they are not excited people. They didn’t get involved in the wedding planning and neither did dh parents but they did all turn up and be nice.

I can understand their lack of response to your engagement as you have been living together, have a child and therefore it's not unexpected and you are basically living as a married couple.

I do however think it's ridiculous of your mum to say she cannot be in the same room as your dad. Surely they can be amicable for one day.
Although if there is a reason for them divorcing such as abuse then maybe I can see why she wouldn't want to be in his proximity.

Congratulations. As you been together and got a child already just elope and save the money. It's the marriage not the wedding that matters. Saves you the problem with your parents too.

I would avoid including anyone who is going to bring their "meh CBA" attitude to the celebrations. However you decide to marry, do something that brings you both great happiness and pleasure and that you can afford; reconcile yourself to the fact that your parents won't be a part of it because from their POV it's not a big deal/fraught with potential upset so soon after their marriage breakdown. I expect that you'll get a few disappointed people after the event but that will just be FOMO after the fact on their part.

I wouldn’t be ecstatic if my kids said they were getting married eitner. I’ve been married over 30 years and a lot of it is hard work and compromise, and if it wouldn’t cause a lot of upset I’d rather be single and not clearing up after him. The only reason to get married is for tax benefits etc IMO.
But I’ve had my big day and enjoyed some of it, so congratulations and I hope you live happily together for ever.
And if your mum won’t paint a smile on her face and stand next to your dad for photos for one day, bugger it and enjoy your day without her drama.

DHs parents were like this. We’d been together 3 years and didn’t have children yet. His mum managed a very short congratulations and then started talking about how they might sell their house. That was it.

I wish we’d eloped at that point. They got worse and worse during wedding planning and then afterwards, and we barely speak to them now.

If I could do it again, I’d cut my losses and elope!

Congratulations lovel! Elope, I think you are never going to get the support or engagement you want from either of your parents. They both sound very selfish. Remember this the next time the share news or ask for support.
an elopement with your little one could be beautiful and relaxed without the drama your parents might create.

You are hardly ‘eloping’. Organise the wedding that you and DP want. Invite both parents then it’s up to them if they accept. I would not worry about denying your mother seeing her only child get married when she clearly put her own feelings about your father first. That’s a horrible thing to do to your child. Best of luck.

I disagree. I don’t want you to think your parents and families reaction is normal. We got engaged after 6 years together and my family were over the moon. My best friend almost 10 years together with a child, again lots of excitement and happiness, cards, even an engagement party. Their behaviour is shitty. They are making your engagement about their divorce.

Unless you have lots of friends that would make up for their lack lustre reaction, I’d elope, probably abroad, somewhere warm and beautiful. I’d combine it with a lovely holiday somewhere. Get ready for the crocodile tears on your return that they weren’t part of your big day. Then flick them the V’s.

Huge congratulations. Have a magical day wherever you tie the knot!

Congratulations.

Do the wedding you want for you and your DH. Send your invitations and leave your guests to it.

We had similar that DH's mum said she wouldn't come to our wedding if his dad was invited. Unfortunately he gave in to her demands.

However, when our first baby arrived I said all grandparents would be invited to her Christening, birthdays etc and it was entirely up to them if they attended or not. They managed to all attend and be polite to each other.

If you give in to your mum's demands now expect the same to continue for all other family events for evermore unless you say no to it from the start.

Have a lovely wedding in Italy, or on a Greek island. Don’t tell anyone until you’re Mr and Mrs, with lovely photos.

Congratulations! We can't choose our families unfortunately. The reality is your parents will turn your wedding into a nightmare.

And to be honest, at this stage of life, a big white wedding would be an enormous waste of time, money and energy.

Elope. Go somewhere you've always wanted to go, really go all out and make it special.

Congratulations!

My parents are divorced and I’d never be able to put them peacefully in the same room, so for my peace of mind I want to elope too. No way I’m wasting my wedding day trying to
manage everyone else’s feelings.

There are some miseries on this thread. If you cba to show excitement and joy for something your close family member or friend is clearly excited about and keen to tell you, you're a twat. It's not hard to spend 5 mins showing a bit of enthusiasm is it?

And unless your dad has been abusive or something, your mum needs to put her feelings aside for the day.

But yes elope OP, you'll probably have more fun and less stress!

I’m really sorry you got each reaction from your parents. That they can’t celebrate the engagement of their only child because they’re too wrapped up in themselves. Selfish and ungenerous of them.

Congratulations.

There's something seriously wrong with people who csn't be happy for their children.

You could also bring friends if you have good ones- elope on a little holiday with them if they can afford it?

Congratulations!

Honestly, given their reaction, the length of your relationship, and the fact you have a child, I’d arrange a very small wedding without them, go off and do it, and tell them afterwards.

Life is too short to pander to these joy sponges.

Go off and have a great day.

You need to live your life for YOU, do what’s best for you and your partner. I do understand where you’re coming from when your thinking about your mum and dad though but you can’t keep everyone happy all of the time and life is way to short to worry about everyone.

Your mum obviously doesn’t like your dad and you will get people come on here and say she should put her feelings aside but it’s not that easy, my mum was the same. I respected her feelings and would never have expected her to swallow them or how she felt about my wedding. Your mums clearly got strong feelings about it all. I started looking at my mum in a different light after that in that she was a woman who’d been hurt and I respected that and understood it.

We eloped, you don’t owe anyone anything, do what makes you happy.

It’s rotten that they weren’t excited for you but you’re in control of
your own happiness, you’re not in control of how they feel, that’s up to them.

Congratulations on your engagement 🥰

I'm sorry that you've had such flat reactions - we got married when we'd been together a similar length of time and with two kids and people were still really pleased for us and we had a lovely day, so I don't think it's a non-event like some of the posters are saying here.

Just enjoy your planning and day and do what you'd actually like to do, your mum can come or not.

By the way, I did love having our kids at our wedding!