Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Engagement, elopement, general sadness

59 replies

CMay922 · 19/02/2026 23:34

For context my parents got divorced two years ago and I’m an only child.

I recently got engaged to my partner of 7 years and the father of my daughter. I am ecstatic about it and really didn’t expect it as we are moving house soon and I just truly did not think he’d ask, let alone do it in the lovely, personal way that he did.

I announced to my mum first and got a very flat reaction, then to my dad who said ‘congratulations’ and then proceeded to tell me about his wife’s upcoming doctors appointment… we told our wider family a few days later and again, very flat reactions. It’s been a few weeks now and we haven’t even had a congratulations card. I just feel really sad about that, especially considering I’m an only child, I thought my parents would be pleased especially as they were a bit disappointed that we weren’t married before we had our child.

I was chatting to my mum a few days ago and she basically said ‘over my dead body will I stand in a room with your father’ I obviously laughed and said ‘well, apart from my wedding right?’ ….. she proceeded to shout at me and say she wouldn’t come to my wedding if my dads there. Whilst I always dreamed of the white wedding, I’m now seriously contemplating just eloping (with our baby there!) in the summer and being done with it. It’s not what we envisioned but I can’t bear the stress of keeping everyone happy.

i guess what I want to know is am I being unreasonable to A. Be upset at the general lacklustre reaction to the news of the engagement and B. Elope and deprive my parents of seeing their only child get married?!

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
HildaBWilderbeast · 20/02/2026 15:48

Hi OP. Weddings do bring out the worst in some people and I'm sorry it's happened to you. Mine were a pain and I wish we had eloped. I heard after that it is very easy to get married in Gibraltar and that sounds fab to me. Xxx

Ilady · 20/02/2026 14:39

I would not let your parents behaviour spoil what is a happy time for you. Your father has an affair and they split up. Your mother is acting like a spoilt child. Imagine saying that she not going to your wedding if he is there.

One of my friends is in a similar situation to you with her parents. He mother is still sour over his affair and the fact they split up over 20 years ago. The truth is her mother always wanted everything her way and was always complaining. She is still living in a big family home that her adult kids left years ago.
She also has a good pension and savings due to her ex husband. My friend said she never has a good word to say about her father and he is far more generous than her mother.

In your situation I would have a small wedding with friends where ever suits you.Your future mil sounds like a nice lady and is happy that you're getting married. To me marriage is more than a big expensive wedding but it's with the people that have been there for you and want you to have a nice day and a happy future. If your parents are going to behave badly or any one has the potential to cause problems ie drinking to much ect don't invite them either.

I hope you have a lovely wedding day and a long happy future.

Original poster
CMay922 · 20/02/2026 14:16

EatingHealthy · 20/02/2026 07:44

Congratulations on your engagement!

I disagree with posters saying that it's nothing to get excited about when you've already got a child and have been together so long. In many ways I think that's more of a cause for celebration, hopefully it's more likely to last given how well you already know each other and it's really lovely you're now formally becoming a family (from a purely practical point of view it's also possibly more important you have the protections of marriage for you and your child).

What's the back story with your parents? They haven't been divorced that long for your Dad to already be remarried. Had they been separated long before they got divorced? Was your Dad cheating/abusive?

I would be upset with both your parents. It doesn't seem like your Dad has any reason to be off about your marriage given he's already remarried. Your Mum it seems is still very hurt over the breakup, but no matter how hurt she may still be, or indeed cynical about marriage now, it's not ok for her to shout at you.

What are the rest of your family normally like? My only concern is they all have good reason to not be that excited about this marriage - is there any reason for them to be concerned about your partner?

Assuming they're all just miserable / selfish, do what suits you for your wedding, if you've got a lot of friends you'd like to celebrate with have the big wedding with your friends taking central stage and your family can either deal with it or stay away. If you'd rather elope with your partner and child do that.

Honestly I always think 'elopements' look like the better option and it's only not wanting to hurt my family that would stop me. But you don't need to worry about that, your family have no such concerns for you so put you and your new family first and do what suits you.

I’ve mentioned previously but the marriage break down was due to an affair my dad had. They’d been unhappy for years (since I was old enough to remember really).

No reason really for my family to be unhappy, they all love my partner. He’s a genuinely kind man with a heart of gold and an incredible dad. He’s supported me through severe postnatal depression and subsequent loss of my job through time off and never so much as complained once. I’m back on my feet now and he’s still just as amazing as the day I met him, I feel very lucky to have his support.

I’m guessing, as others have said, it’s probably just not very exciting news as we’ve been together a while. I think I was just comparing it to previous reactions from family (e.g., my cousin announced and my auntie threw her a party etc.) I’m not saying I want a party or anything like that but just a bit of enthusiasm and a positive word would have been nice.

oh well! We had a chat last night and 100% are going to elope locally in the summer and celebrate with a little holiday somewhere. It will be lovely as I’m really excited to be married to my partner and as long as our daughter is there, that’s all that really matters to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
CMay922 · 20/02/2026 14:09

EvelynBeatrice · 20/02/2026 11:50

Unless your father was violent to your mother her reaction is very much about her. She’s not putting her child - you - first. Pretty sad. Your dad also let you down a bit.

Don’t let them blunt your happiness. Have a wonderful day and holiday away alone as a family or with friends who are genuinely delighted for you.

My dad was absolutely not violent. They had an extremely unhappy marriage for years and my dad had an affair. We didn’t speak for about 18 months as I was so upset by it but after my partners dad passed away I buried the hatchet so to speak.

OP posts:
Original poster
CMay922 · 20/02/2026 14:07

senua · 20/02/2026 09:16

You haven't mention H2B's parents. Or were they lumped in with "wider family"?

My partners dad died unexpectedly 2 years ago. His mum was very pleased for us - she actually said to us that we must do what feels right for us as she knows I haven’t had an easy time of it with my parents. She’s an extremely kind woman and I’m fortunate she’s so understanding really.

OP posts:
Isthateveryonethen · 20/02/2026 14:04

Changingplace · 19/02/2026 23:38

Your parents reactions are hurtful, but in all honesty as you’ve been together nearly a decade and have a child I’d just elope anyway.

Honestly this. I would think it more a formality rather. I’m sure everyone already assumes you are married already. Just elope and save yourself the pain of all this drama from everyone

Beachtastic · 20/02/2026 13:27

The day will be so much easier without having to worry about other people kicking off around you.

Save your money to spend on a really nice place to go, a lovely dress, and delicious food and drink.

Enjoy making happy memories, and congratulations 💗

PurpleReindeer2 · 20/02/2026 13:25

Congratulations OP. Wishing you a lovely wedding day and years of happy marriage. 💕

EvelynBeatrice · 20/02/2026 11:50

Unless your father was violent to your mother her reaction is very much about her. She’s not putting her child - you - first. Pretty sad. Your dad also let you down a bit.

Don’t let them blunt your happiness. Have a wonderful day and holiday away alone as a family or with friends who are genuinely delighted for you.

HatAndScarf33 · 20/02/2026 09:18

I think it’s such a shame neither were more excited for you, I would be very disappointed and your mum’s attitude to being around your dad is very selfish and very much her making your wedding about her.

Having said all that, I think they’ve done you a favour. I eloped and I can’t tell you how many of my friends who had the big white wedding say, with hind insight, they wish they’d done the same. Some due to all the stress, but most down to money and realising that perhaps it’s not quite worth it for just a single day. I would elope and then go on a Mega honeymoon! We went for 3 weeks and it’s still the best holiday I’ve ever been on. Make this all about you, your husband to be and your dc and enjoy!

senua · 20/02/2026 09:16

You haven't mention H2B's parents. Or were they lumped in with "wider family"?

Evaka · 20/02/2026 09:15

Your parents sound sour and mean. Congrats to you for your lovely news OP x

Haveyouanyjam · 20/02/2026 09:06

One of my closest friends got engaged Christmas 2024 when they’d been together nearly 8 years with a home and two children and we were all thrilled because we knew it was important to her to get married! Plus we all enjoy the chance to have child free party with our friends.

Me and DH have been together the same amount of time and did a registry office a few weeks after our DD was born (Covid had just lifted and we got engaged before lockdown). I wouldn’t change that part at all. I was always uncomfortable with the idea of a big wedding.

If I were you I would elope and have a family holiday and then have a dinner with friends when you return to celebrate getting married, if your parents have gotten over themselves by then, they can come, otherwise leave them to it!

BlueJuniper94 · 20/02/2026 08:52

ExitPursuedByABare · 19/02/2026 23:39

As you already live together and have a child together I’m afraid I really don’t understand the point of engagements. Thing of the past really.

But congratulations

Yes you're already living as a married couple

JacknDiane · 20/02/2026 08:49

Do women still dream of white weddings @CMay922?

Im amazed.

Thundertoast · 20/02/2026 08:46

Erm, sure an engagement between two people who've been together for a long time and had a child might not be a surprise, but its still lovely joyful news and deserved a bit more enthusiasm from your parents than the reactions you got. There's a middle ground between what you got and throwing a parade! If this isnt news thats worth celebrating (even if thats just an enthusiastic reaction when you hear the news!) Then I dont know what is...
Your parents are mean, sorry.

Massive congrats from me, and I hope you take note of these reactions and have a wedding with people who actually care!

CornishTiger · 20/02/2026 08:45

Congratulations!

What are they usually like about things in your life? Supportive and happy for you? If not then go low contact and match what they give.

Have the wedding you want. Don’t invite them.

Iloveacurry · 20/02/2026 08:44

Your parents sounds awful and self absorbed. Eloping sounds like a good idea. I probably wouldn’t bother telling them, just let them know afterwards.

Barnsleybonuz · 20/02/2026 08:41

What a bunch of miseries on here. Congratulations what lovely news. If you were my daughter I would be beside myself with excitement.

njg575 · 20/02/2026 08:02

Your parents reaction is a pre warning of any event they may attend together - please bear that in mind. Its a shame their behaviour may steer you in a different direction but it may save you a lot of aggro.

Big white weddings are incredibly stressful even for functioning families. Weddings are very emotionally charged events.

As for their reaction ... your news is to be celebrated! Getting engaged whatever the circumstances is a joyous occasion.

Heronwatcher · 20/02/2026 07:59

Yeah it’s great that you’re excited but a wedding between two parents who’ve been together a decade is not big news- sorry. And as you’ve discovered in a family where there is a schism it can throw up a lot of emotion. I am sure they are happy for you but in the end it’s not the wedding- it’s the marriage- that matters.

I’d either go abroad or do a registry office with your DC then do a nice meal out with each side of the family to celebrate in your own time. I think anything else is likely to create unnecessary stress and bad feeling.

sundayvibeswig22 · 20/02/2026 07:54

I wouldn’t expect a congratulations card for getting engaged. I think it’s a bigger deal when you’re young, childfree and not living together. For you and a lot of people they’re living like a married couple without the legalities.

I would be very upset if my mum said what you said. I’d take her at her word and go away and have a lovely carefree wedding. Maybe your mum will see how childish she’s been.

Theroadt · 20/02/2026 07:53

Oh my parents refused to come to my wedding, which was a white wedding because my DH had set his heart on it but was a total waste of effort and money - an elopement would’ve been far better. You can’t control your parents’ reaction - but realising who they actually are is a final stage in growing up I guess.

FrostyFlo · 20/02/2026 07:52

I was with my partner 10+ years before we married last year .
We let family know we were getting married but only had witnesses and no guests as they didn't show no great desire to attend .
The day was still very nice , didn't have much to arrange , very little money spent , no hassle , and it was all about us .
Just the way we wanted it .

Dozer · 20/02/2026 07:50

Having a small wedding and/or not inviting your parents wouldn’t be eloping.

Swipe left for the next trending thread