Page 4 | I find SD12 increasingly unpleasant

ClaytonC · 2026-02-19T21:06:37+00:00

… And I don’t know what I can do about it. I’ve known these kids for eight years. I’ve always gelled with SD13 (sweet, creative, slightly awkward) and SS9 (funny, sporty, loving). SD12 has always been the one I’ve had the least in common with. She’s extroverted, dominant and wants to have her own way. AIBU: I should make more of an effort to bond with her AINBU: it’s okay not to like everyone, just remain polite and keep distance when possible

SemperIdem · 20/02/2026 09:07

It is fine to not like her behaviour. It is not likeable. You must remind yourself that it is behaviours that you dislike, not her. Often, if necessary.

The only other advice I can give is to persevere reinforcing positive behaviours but with clear boundaries. She may well be quite different in a couple of years.

My own SD had a tricky phase at around 12-14 (it was quite a long one), but she’s like a completely different girl now.

saraclara · 20/02/2026 09:05

Stompythedinosaur · 20/02/2026 08:57

Yup yabu. She's a child, and she's unhappy. It's your job as an adult in her life to find something to like about her, and to build a compassionate understanding of her difficulties.

You're the adult, this is 100% on you.

She's tried. But the only thing the girls wants from her is money.

Original poster

ClaytonC · 20/02/2026 09:04

saraclara · 20/02/2026 08:44

Ah these people saying that she needs one to one time with her dad, clearly haven't been reading OP 's posts.

She's getting that one too one time with him far more than her siblings, simply by rejecting OP and the activities that she suggests and the other children take up.

I'm amazed that virtually everyone in this thread thinks OP is unreasonable, when she's done everything she can (short of spending a lot of money on her that her siblings don't get). It's the girl who's rejecting OP, rather than the other way round.

@ClaytonC what does her father do when she ruins things for the rest of you, or when she pushes you and her siblings away from him?

It’s the girl who’s rejecting OP, not the other way round

I think, as me and her mum are very different people with different interests, and her mum doesn’t rate me very much, and I think this plays a part.

OP posts:

Smeuse · 20/02/2026 09:04

It sounds like you are just different characters but you are the adult.

How often does she stay with you?

EatYourDamnPie · 20/02/2026 09:03

Stompythedinosaur · 20/02/2026 08:57

Yup yabu. She's a child, and she's unhappy. It's your job as an adult in her life to find something to like about her, and to build a compassionate understanding of her difficulties.

You're the adult, this is 100% on you.

How do you know she’s unhappy?

GoldbergVariations · 20/02/2026 09:03

BeMellowAquaSquid · 19/02/2026 22:29

This exactly. I find myself increasingly shocked by these responses. Truly truly shocked.

Also.. who says “ghastly”.. who are you Enid Blyton?

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I say "ghastly".

DaisyChain505 · 20/02/2026 09:01

I can see how this would be extremely hard to live with.

What is your DH’s opinion on her behaviour and what does he actively do to challenge it or does he just ignore it which only encourages it?

Calliopespa · 20/02/2026 09:01

sprigatito · 19/02/2026 21:36

Honestly, most of this sounds like a) trying but typical teenage girl behaviour, exacerbated by b) heightened insecurity and clinginess due to the split family and living between two households. It’s a tricky age and I’m not belittling how tough it is for you, but you’re the adult and the onus is on you to work at building a better relationship. Your DH needs to be disciplining poor behaviour and enforcing boundaries, but nothing you describe sounds outside the norm for a blended family with older kids.

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This.

Another "I wanted to be with the parent of pre-existing dc so took on that admittedly difficult role, but now find them a bloody nuisance. Does the world feel sorry for poor little me?"

No, op, we don't.

Original poster

ClaytonC · 20/02/2026 09:00

Sartre · 20/02/2026 08:51

Ok so she gets 1:1 time but only because you plan activities for them all and she decides to stay behind with her dad? This isn’t really planned 1:1 time then, she’s choosing it because she clearly craves and needs that! Point proven really. I think her dad should be organising something for the two of them to intentionally do together every week. He should also be doing something with his other children independently too. Basically, you shouldn’t always be there.

Every few months, I go away for a weekend when they’re here. Every year, they go on a two week holiday and I join for the second week.

All of the children have been asked if they want to change the contact pattern to spend more time with us and have said no (I think this is largely due to their mum and feeling she’d be hurt if they did).

SD and DH cook together most evenings, she also spends every Saturday morning with him (when I take SS to football and often they go shopping) and most Sunday mornings when older SD, SS and I take the dogs on a big walk.

OP posts:

Missohnoyoubetterdont · 20/02/2026 08:58

thestepmumspacepodcast · 20/02/2026 08:53

Hi Op,
I'm sorry you're going through this - incredibly difficult.
You can't force SD to change her behaviour to you and I agree that you should continue being kind and offering her the same connections you offer the other children... but if she doesn't take you up on it that doesn't mean you need to try harder to force connection. Continually trying harder with someone who won't appreciate it is a sure fire way to resentment and stepmum burnout.

Your partner has a role to play here too.... when her behaviour is rude, he needs to manage that. Of course he needs to give her love and 1:1 time but he is also her parent and needs to parent her appropriately. Your partner hold the role here to lead.... how does he want to do that?

Remember - your stepdaughter's reaction to you is likely more about where she's at than specifically about you.

Good luck

Brilliant advice.

Stompythedinosaur · 20/02/2026 08:57

Yup yabu. She's a child, and she's unhappy. It's your job as an adult in her life to find something to like about her, and to build a compassionate understanding of her difficulties.

You're the adult, this is 100% on you.

Missohnoyoubetterdont · 20/02/2026 08:57

Emonade · 20/02/2026 08:28

It sounds like she has attachment problems and needs help rather than you bitching about her on mumsnet

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i think that’s unfair and unnecessary. This woman is asking for help to navigate a tricky situation. She has clarified and answered questions calmly and clearly. Nowhere is she ‘bitching’ about this child. Take a look at yourself.

thestepmumspacepodcast · 20/02/2026 08:53

Hi Op,
I'm sorry you're going through this - incredibly difficult.
You can't force SD to change her behaviour to you and I agree that you should continue being kind and offering her the same connections you offer the other children... but if she doesn't take you up on it that doesn't mean you need to try harder to force connection. Continually trying harder with someone who won't appreciate it is a sure fire way to resentment and stepmum burnout.

Your partner has a role to play here too.... when her behaviour is rude, he needs to manage that. Of course he needs to give her love and 1:1 time but he is also her parent and needs to parent her appropriately. Your partner hold the role here to lead.... how does he want to do that?

Remember - your stepdaughter's reaction to you is likely more about where she's at than specifically about you.

Good luck

rainandshine38 · 20/02/2026 08:53

Well you’ve had some influence into how she’s formed haven’t you if you’ve been with her since she was 4 so you need to step up and take responsibility!

EatYourDamnPie · 20/02/2026 08:52

ClaytonC · 20/02/2026 08:27

If anything, the opposite is true. SD12 is the one who gets the most individual attention, the one who gets her own way the most, the one who has days out and holidays centred around herself the most.

I don’t play favourites with the children. I always ask if they’d like to do something with me, and invariably SD12 says no and the others usually say yes. That means I naturally spend more time with the others. I don’t think forcing her to come on a dog walk or play a board game would make her like me more!

SD12 is, by nature, the most outgoing and confident of the children. As a result, she is very good at advocating to have her needs met. She has a lot of friends, and as long as she’s getting her way, she’s a very happy child.

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It’s ok not to like her behaviour, because it’s not very likeable. Just keep doing what you’ve been doing. Keep offering and engaging. However, there should be some ground rules around behaviour. Is your husband able and willing to actually parent her ? Not for you , but for the siblings’ relationship sake and her own sake. I doubt her siblings enjoy being overlooked and experiences ruined because she shouts the loudest. If not, nothing will ever change , so you need to decide if you can put up with it.

Sartre · 20/02/2026 08:51

Ok so she gets 1:1 time but only because you plan activities for them all and she decides to stay behind with her dad? This isn’t really planned 1:1 time then, she’s choosing it because she clearly craves and needs that! Point proven really. I think her dad should be organising something for the two of them to intentionally do together every week. He should also be doing something with his other children independently too. Basically, you shouldn’t always be there.

80smonster · 20/02/2026 08:50

Some people don’t make good step parents - you are one of them OP.

EatYourDamnPie · 20/02/2026 08:48

Londontown12 · 20/02/2026 08:37

Sounds like she is a middle child and suffering ! She needs one on one time with her dad or yourself !
When your the middle child it's easy to get overlooked and her crowbarring her way in lets me think she needs some quality time with her parent she's being difficult because in her head it justified she's becoming a teenager it's hard given her some slack

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She gets more one on one time with her dad than her other siblings and doesn’t want to spend time with OP. So what now?

StepawayfromtheLindors · 20/02/2026 08:46

Roosch · 19/02/2026 22:11

She sounds ghastly, and is openly competing with you for her father’s attention in a creepy way. Sitting on her father’s lap, not letting you guys hold hands, putting you down - that’s outrageous. If her father isn’t strongly shutting this down, you should leave the whole ghastly lot of them.

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creepy? She’s 12!

TheBlueKoala · 20/02/2026 08:46

ClaytonC · 20/02/2026 08:27

If anything, the opposite is true. SD12 is the one who gets the most individual attention, the one who gets her own way the most, the one who has days out and holidays centred around herself the most.

I don’t play favourites with the children. I always ask if they’d like to do something with me, and invariably SD12 says no and the others usually say yes. That means I naturally spend more time with the others. I don’t think forcing her to come on a dog walk or play a board game would make her like me more!

SD12 is, by nature, the most outgoing and confident of the children. As a result, she is very good at advocating to have her needs met. She has a lot of friends, and as long as she’s getting her way, she’s a very happy child.

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She sounds insufferable tbh. But it's not her fault- it's her dad's. Why doesn't your dh call her out on her behaviour? Why is he letting his other children take a back seat in order to pander to the most vocal child? Everyone is talking about her needs while I see two children whose emotional needs are not being met because their sister is a main character in the family.

saraclara · 20/02/2026 08:44

Ah these people saying that she needs one to one time with her dad, clearly haven't been reading OP 's posts.

She's getting that one too one time with him far more than her siblings, simply by rejecting OP and the activities that she suggests and the other children take up.

I'm amazed that virtually everyone in this thread thinks OP is unreasonable, when she's done everything she can (short of spending a lot of money on her that her siblings don't get). It's the girl who's rejecting OP, rather than the other way round.

@ClaytonC what does her father do when she ruins things for the rest of you, or when she pushes you and her siblings away from him?

Ophy83 · 20/02/2026 08:42

Kids are a product of their parenting. Your DH needs to be firmer with her, in particular where her behaviour is negatively impacting her sisters e.g. sitting on his lap when they are next to him/talking through the film. He needs clear boundaries and to be firm.

The flip side is that she does need attention, and it sounds like she needs more than she is getting. All three of them need one to one time with him as well as time together as a family. It would probably help to set out the plan for the weekend at the start so she knows it will be fair

Does he ever have them without you being there? Because that is also important. Also bear in mind that although you have been in their lives a long time she's now at an age where she may be wondering why e.g. the youngest was only a baby when you and her dad got together, and she may have questions about what happened there and why he left them for you. Even if that isn't how it happened those may be her thoughts, which will feed any insecurity.

Shutuptrevor · 20/02/2026 08:40

You’ll get lots of replies from people who aren’t stepparents and don’t get it, OP. It’s hard.

For what it’s worth, I would focus on being friendly and consistent, but avoid trigger points- take yourself out of the situation if you need to. It sounds like she’s understandably grieving the loss of her nuclear family unit, but you can’t fix that for her. All you can control is what you offer.

Londontown12 · 20/02/2026 08:37

ClaytonC · 19/02/2026 21:31

I hear what you’re saying but her behaviour is getting worse (in my opinion) and I’m finding it increasingly hard to be around.

Some examples:

She messages DH and my family members asking for money. When they say no, she’ll ignore them
whenever DH and I disagree, even on something minor like what to make for dinner, she has to insert herself into the conversation to tell me I’m wrong and he’s right
She hounds DH for attention to the extent that the others don’t get a look in. If they sit next to him, she’ll sit on his lap. I can’t even hold his hand without her intervening. Yet when she’s at her mum’s, she leaves him on read
We sometimes have family movie nights (no pressure if you’d rather read or be in your room instead). If she hasn’t picked the film, she’ll talk through it until it’s ruined for everyone
If she gets told off, she cries and is melodramatic until she’s getting comfort and attention. The reason she was told off is forgotten about

I’ve tried to build bonds with her and she’s not interested unless it’s something that means me spending lots of money and excludes her siblings. If I suggest something like cinema with her, she’ll openly say she’d rather have the cash, or that I should take her siblings instead (so she can be with her dad).

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Sounds like she is a middle child and suffering ! She needs one on one time with her dad or yourself !
When your the middle child it's easy to get overlooked and her crowbarring her way in lets me think she needs some quality time with her parent she's being difficult because in her head it justified she's becoming a teenager it's hard given her some slack

EatYourDamnPie · 20/02/2026 08:33

Hoardasurass · 20/02/2026 08:08

No but she can treat this child in exactly the same way as the other 2.
This behaviour is a product of the environment that she's being raised in and the fact that @ClaytonC thinks that her behaviour is acceptable and is wanting to ramp it up shows that she's the problem not the child.
If @ClaytonC can't change the way she treats all 3 then she needs to leave because that girl deserves so much more than an emotionally abusive step mother

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You made all that shit up.