I find SD12 increasingly unpleasant

The child is 12 and you speak about her as if she is an adult woman competing for the attention of your DH. She is clearly struggling here and needs some help. What is the problem really of doing something with her she enjoyed that cost a bit of money instead of a free dog walk? It was clearly something she enjoyed doing with you. I take it it was something like go shopping, get afternoon tea, get nails done rather than demanding a weekend on a yacht in Antibes. You've stopped doing these activities with her yet carried on the activities the other 2 kids enjoy which must be hurtful. Shes 12, not some money grabbing adult.

BTW most of the behaviour you describe such as inability to focus through a movie, heightened emotional responses and rejection dysphoria are classic ADHD symptoms. 12 is the age that the symptoms become more noticeable and they start to need more help. Masking can be exhausting. You might want to read up about it and start the ball rolling for diagnosis if you think the symptoms fit as its not going to resolve by itself!

Well that's changing the tenor of the OP and basis for the thread into an entirely different thread. The siblings aren't the focus of the original post .

The original post focused on how OP is impacted - no mention of impact on the siblings - and whether she needs to keep bothering or not. The siblings being impacted was not mentioned until, by the by, in later posts.

Had the thread topic been "do the other siblings matter?" people might be answering differently.

I feel sorry for her. Did her parents split long before you two got together? Just thinking if she was only four when you met her, how long had you been with her dad before being introduced? Especially since she isn’t the youngest, I’m picturing a quick turn around between relationships.

I’m not saying her behaviour is acceptable in any way but she’s clearly insecure and struggling. Maybe her dad should have put them all first and not jumped headfirst into the relationship with you so quickly.

It does sound like a very difficult situation op. it's obvious to me that you care a great deal about all of the children, but it's hard to bond with someone who doesn't want to know you. I think people saying that you are favouring the others or damaging the middle girl are being unfair. Parenting teenagers is difficult at the best of times without adding in the complex layer of them not being biologically yours. Having said that I don't think you should distance yourself from her no.She needs to know that you are going to consistently keep trying with her even when she is being unpleasant. You say she is confident but I'm not buying that she is giving away her insecurity surrounding you and her dad by her behaviour. You and her dad need to be on the same page with everything. Are you ? Does he let her away with things that you dont ? I also find it interesting that you say her mother doesn't rate you. If she is hearing her mother putting you down at home of course that will reflect on her attitude and behaviour towards you, she is a child and will be heavily influenced by other adults in her life and their opinions. I know it's hard but keep doing what you are doing, keep including her, keep suggesting time with her while also allowing her space. I think you are in for a rough time as she navigates the teenage years but eventually I hope that she will mature and realize that you arent the bad guy.

We all want to raise strong independent daughters.

But SD12 is not the only daughter in this family. SD13 seems to get shouted down, physically pushed aside etc by SD12, and that's not right.
Neither is it right or fair for SS to not get much individual time with his dad.
And they both suffer when SD12 sabotages any outing or activity that's not her choice.
That's neither fair nor sustainable.

An awful lot of what you’re describing is very average behaviour for teenagers. They can be very difficult even without the added complexity of the blended family.
Most teens (including my own and we live in the same house 100% of the time) leave their parents on ‘read’ and don’t answer messages. It’s irritating but not unique to your situation.

I think that's her trying to establish control over their relationship when in reality she has very little.
I think it does all come down to attachment issues.
In her eyes, her dad left her when she was 4. He chose you instead of staying with her. She simultaneously wants to punish him for that, and have him to herself as much as she can.

This. She needs compassion, not criticism.

I wonder if her siblings feel the same way. Or do they not matter?

I have RTFT and what's missing is DH's response to DSD12 when she disrupts movies, asks OP and her family for money, tries to monopolise his attention by climbing on his lap etc

It's his response that is key. If she suffers no consequences, but gets her own way and the majority of whatever time he can give individually to his children , then of course she will continue to do what she's doing. Because it works, it gets her what she wants.

As for her not replying to her dad's messages when she's at her mum's - I think that's her trying to establish control over their relationship when in reality she has very little.

I think it does all come down to attachment issues.
In her eyes, her dad left her when she was 4. He chose you instead of staying with her. She simultaneously wants to punish him for that, and have him to herself as much as she can.

I'd also be interested in her relationship with her siblings. How do they react when she talks through a movie they chose? When she pushes them aside to sit on his lap? When she chooses the outing, again... And how does DF handle that?

In my experience, working in a school rather than as a parent, many teenage girls are low-level horrible for years, particularly to the people they love and trust, and then suddenly and unexpectedly turn into charming, co-operative and lovable young women. All you can do is ride it out and be prepared to speak your mind occasionally.

Little boys turn into cave trolls for a year or two, eating huge quantities of food and communicating only in grunts, then turn into lovely and lovable young men.

Confusingly, strangers often speak glowingly of both sorts, comparing them favourably to their own young (who you in turn may think are delightful).

Adolescence, puberty, hormones etc etc, and very unfair to women who are going through their own hormonal challenges at the same time. Mother nature is a cow at times.

She’s extroverted, dominant and wants to have her own way.
Good girl

YABU

How do you know? Plenty of crappy, entitled, selfish, spoilt adults walking around. They didn’t just become like that after their 18th birthday.

All you can do is keep trying with her. You are human, she is human you both have flaws and you don’t get along.

She is never going to live her life according to your rules but no matter how she chooses to live you are allowed a degree of peace and calm in your life.

Just consciously try to be nice to her even when she is being a brat and then allow that she might not be particularly nice back but you can at least be at peace with yourself. You don’t have to go out of your way but by being nice at least your conscience is clear.

It's the girl who's rejecting OP, rather than the other way round.

She's a child who had no say whatsoever in OP's involvement in her life. She's not obliged to accept her.

Why do so many people expect children to act not only like adults, but extremely emotionally mature and selfless, biddable adults?

I did wonder if OPs DSD had some neurodivergence. It’s often missed in girls as they blend in at school but act out in home settings.

How is she with her DM OP? I know you said you and her DM don’t communicate much but it may be time to start. Does your DP and she have a decent co-parenting relationship?

If it’s not neurodivergence there’s obviously something going on. There’s usually a reason for kids acting out, it’s rare they’re just plain ghastly 😉

You ARE the adult here.
Somehow you have got to dig deep and find some common ground with her.

I’m not saying it’s easy, but put yourself in her shoes and also think back to when you were her age, and think about what might work.

She’s only 12, so don’t write her off. These years are so important. Be a good solid and kind example to her.

Kids change so much and one day you will be proud of the woman she has become. You can do it (even if sometimes you’re seething inside). Good luck.

If they acknowledged that, then they would also have to consider that maybe, just maybe OP isn’t the wicked , evil stepmother. And we can’t have that now, can we?

It’s on the parents, not stepparents

@ClaytonC you haven't answered any of the questions about how your DH manages her behaviour over the TV and her pushing you and her siblings out.

If you were talking about your daughter rather than your step daughter, you would be getting different responses. Step-mums are always made out to be the wicked witch.

Your SD sounds like she has typical middle child syndrome. The constant demands to be the centre of attention are hard work to deal with. It would grate on me to see one child eclipse the other two all the time.

You are giving equal attention to all. The other girls sound like they appreciate you and your company. Your husband needs to step up and do the same. His attention needs to be shared equally and not to the one who shouts the loudest. It’s going to get ugly before it gets better because I guarantee there will be tantrums. It needs to be fair and consistent. I would start by all of you doing things together. Things like the dog walk, games etc. When she says she would rather stay with DH. He needs to say he wants to spend time with everyone and is doing that activity too. Stop allowing everything to revolve around her. He needs to say it is unfair to talk through other people’s movies. She cannot push someone else’s out the way to be first in line for a hug. Everyone in your house is as important as each other.

Nobody on this thread, other than OP, seems to care about the siblings, who are living under the shadow of this girl who must always have her own way.

How is she at school?

How much time did your DH have with his DC after splitting up with their mum before you came on the scene?

How does her dad enforce boundaries around the bratty aspects of her behaviour? How does he ensure that she doesn't get more favourable outcomes than her siblings, but that they are all equal?

OP, you say, “SD12 is, by nature, the most outgoing and confident of the children” - and yet her behaviour shows that she’s not actually at all as confident as she would like you to think. She is desperate for time with her father - you say she gets more time than her siblings, but there is clearly some insecurity here. As for ignoring her father when she’s with her mother, perhaps she is equally trying to get her mother’s attention. For whatever reason, this child feels she needs attention from her parents - have you looked into attachment disorders? I completely understand that this is difficult for you, OP, but as an adult you need to be understanding rather than judgemental, difficult though that may be. She’s still a child, and I fear the teenage years may also prove to be a long rocky path - but when she’s driving you mad, maybe hang on to the fact that it’s not easy for her, and this behaviour is needy - there is a problem somewhere.

12 is very very young still

This is a little girl who sounds tricky and unhappy

She will absolutely be picking up on being disliked and the cycle continues.