Does anyone else’s husband think that he does everything round the house?

Renovating a room and keeping a good garden are difficult jobs that require skill and effort to do properly. Cleaning bed linen and towels, with the best will in the world, are not.

My partner lived by himself for several years and I used to go visit him there. He did do everything himself but not to my standards. The kitchen and bathroom always felt a bit grubby, dusting was not done, windows not cleaned. To be fair to him he was working full time in a full on job - but I think also he wasn’t as bothered by dust and dirt as I am. Most guys living by themselves are similar I think. They do the bare basics but nothing extra.

I’m sure DH thinks I don’t do anything because I always finish the job. If he hoovers he leaves the hoover out to demonstrate he has done the hoovering. He is pretty good at pulling his weight overall but it’s infuriating.

I definitely think (possibly coincidence) that DH does things that often evoke recognition from other people, especially visitors
Cooking - oh wow this meal is delicious
Gardening - the garden looks great, oh do you have a vege patch, etc
DIY - i like how you've renovated this room

No one ever comments that they had clean bedding, or the bathroom was clean, they had a towel to use etc. Those are invisible!

Or that there was adequate and preferred food for "invisible" meals like breakfast

Im laughing at these because they are so familiar....but its also a bit depressing. Both DH and I work ft but I do about 99% of cleaning, tidying, laundry, kids admin and he does slightly more cooking than I do. But he totally thinks this is an equal division of labour. He enjoys cooking and sometimes even cooks stuff he has a good idea no one else will really like! And is very haphazard about clearing up after himself (he seems obliged to use 80% of kitchen utensils for any given recipe) he rarely puts all the ingredients away and almost never washes up.

But he goes bananas if anyone spills water on the floor, which is hilarious. He could spill multiple things while making a meal and not clear up or wipe any of them but if someone washes theirs hands and drips water on the floor, or picks up something from the draining board that drips water, its like a crime scene investigation!

He also equates making a lot of noise with making a lot of effort. If he does a home workout everyone else knows about it because of all the huffing, grunting, sighing etc involved... it was the same when he cleaned a bathroom, 2.5 years ago (yes im that petty, I kept the receipt) the noise- huffing, puffing, sighing etc....so that I would definitely hear!

I'm PT and do most things. DH puts the bins out, sometimes empties the dishwasher and washes up more than me.

Recently I was also dealing with a lot of extra paperwork and meetings and no energy to go and do a grocery shop on top. I asked him to take on ordering groceries online. He huffed but has done it. I now don't need to remind him or help him. It just turns up. It's not usually quite right, although I add things to the Alexa shopping list, we've had too much milk/not enough veg etc but I'm happy to pop to the corner shop and he's getting better.

I'd just stop doing anything that you do around the house (minus feeding and ferrying kids). He does EVERYTHING so it shouldn't make a difference right?

That's exactly what I did, and my ex was PISSED. He proclaimed loudly to everyone how he did everything around the house. To me, the kids, family, friends. So, I stopped all the usual chores that I did and he was forced to pick up the slack. I lived like a man and it was glorious. Without all that 'fussing' I used to do, I had more time to play with the kids, go out with friends and have hobbies, or just chill on the couch. Good times.

i think men often pick the large visible tasks and ignore the invisible ones. So mine will do the laundry and then make the world’s biggest deal out of it and huff and puff like he’s spent 12 hours down a mine rather than putting 2 loads of clothes in a machine and pushing a button. He then leaves the finished laundry for me to sort, fold and put away as apparently I’m the only person who knows which clothes belong to which person.

I think in their heart of hearts they still believe it’s woman’s work which is why they resent it so much.

So I LOVE SCIENCE, and I'm always curious how people come up with these percentages of how the housework/childcare is split up between spouses. Well, below is a valuable calculator from the UK Office of National Statistics.to keep it objective. Instead of percentages, be honest to see the actual pound value between spouses, add them together, and then divide one of the numbers by the total. This is going to be a more objective percentage value versus subjective, as long as the user is HONEST.

Find the value of your unpaid work.

I can’t tolerate this. I’d write him a list of cleaning the kitchen, say this is what cleaning the kitchen looks like, you do some cooking and you load the dishwasher like the children, in our entire marriage you’ve never cleaned the kitchen, and I can say the same thing about many other aspects of our home and parenting. I’m sick, let me get better and once I’m better I don’t want to hear a single whine about what you’re doing around the house until you’ve actually cleaned the kitchen once. Way to choose your moment when your wife is sick to announce to her you don’t appreciate any of the work I usually do. Super husband points, go away and look around and actually tidy or clean something please.

Mine probably does more than me just now as he does a lot while I'm expressing milk.

And men ( in Reform) wonder why women don’t want kids with these losers!

If you compare all the tasks DH does in a day with me, DH life is actually much harder. He is too nice to ever say that though and is happy to do whatever needs to be done.

DH has a hybrid job. We have a child with additional needs that needs constant 1:1 outside of school for safety reasons. I do all school runs. I can't work as we never know when I'll be called to collect him. I do standard housework during the day. I am the only one who cooks for 4 adults and 2 children. He can't even help me decide on a meal!! Every single day. I do all of the shopping because no one else would have a clue what we need. I sort all life admin, I go to everyone's appointments with them. 2 younger children have regular hospital visits.

DH will come home a do tidying up constantly whilst it's the busiest time of the day and be chasing his tail (rather than doing one tidy up etc once kids are in bed).
He constantly bangs on about how he's always doing housework. No one ever helps. It's like because the majority of what I do isn't seen, it didn't happen.

This will be the cause of our divorce. Of that I am certain.

Fuck off.

You have no idea what is going on in someone’s life. I asked him for a divorce multiple times. He refuses. He refuses to leave. I can’t leave as I can’t afford to. He won’t sign the paperwork to put the house on the market, which would enable me to escape. He’s emotionally abusive and has worn down my self esteem and confidence to the point I didn’t feel able to cope. I have multiple chronic health conditions, that when they flare up make me so ill, working is hard to the point I can barely make it through the day. Oh and he threatened to push for 50/50 on the kids knowing that would be hell for me and them.

Must be lovely up there in your ivory tower, with a husband who didn’t change once he had you trapped, but having enough money to know you could just walk away if you needed to. Knowing you have family and friends to support you because your husband hasn’t slowly isolated you through the years.

As for the example I’m setting my children - I tell them this is not what love looks like. This is not how men should treat their wives. They know their dad is a cunt. They hate him almost as much as I do from the things they’ve said. All of them have always said how they never want to be like him. So I am hopeful that they’ve seen their mum loved them enough to protect them 100% of the time rather than risking them being with him 50% of the time and miserable.

It's impossible to have a sympathy for a woman who tolerates this for more than one day.

Do you not care what you're both teaching your children?

This is true of the majority of posts on this thread.

My husband is the same and says “They don’t care what the house looks like. They’ve come to see us!”
Eeerrrmm what planet does this man live on? “Sorry while I move the washing off the sofa so you can actually sit down”. “Would you like a cup of tea… oh wait there’s no clean cups!” 🙄

I just looked at the fair play cards - is there some way that it represents the work involved/ frequency etc of each task.

Because I feel like it would just reinforce DH’s belief that he’s doing ‘at least half’ (he says, whilst inwardly believing it’s more than that’ because he’ll have the card that says ‘bins’ and I’ll have the one that says ‘weekday dinners‘ and in his head that’s a card each so we’re equal, when in reality taking the bins to the end of the drive once a week isn’t the same as cooking for all of us at least 6 out of 7 evenings.

Or he’ll say that he clears up after dinner, but if that’s one card, and ‘weekday dinners’ is one card which it seems to be - that implies his chucking a few plates in the dishwasher (and usually forgetting to turn it on) is equivalent to the task of planning, shopping for and cooking dinner as well as keeping a running menu in my head prioritising what needs using when, if I make this then we’ll have leftovers for lunch the next day, if I make that DD won’t eat that part so I’ll have to do a different twist on it for hers etc etc. And then I cook it, and clean up as I go really, so definitely not equivalent.

Stupid thing is, he does do a lot, and particularly when it comes to the actual childcare/ supervising DD/ school runs/ taking her to clubs I’d say it’s very close to 50/50 but I think he thinks that translates to everything else in our life/ house and it really doesn’t.

Also his ‘childcare’ - say I’m busy/ out at the weekend he’ll do a great job of having fun with DD, he’ll feed her, ensure she brushes her teeth has a bath etc etc. And then if the next day he was busy, I’d look after DD and ensure all those things happen to, but I’d also do a load of washing, tidy round, make sure uniforms are ready for the next week, kit is packed for her after school club, we’d probably do some baking together so she has slightly healthier snacks ready for the week ahead etc etc.

Resonating strongly with many posts here. It seems the cost of many men simply doing their fair share at home, or actually just some basic stuff, is putting up with their delusional martyrdom.

Only thing mine does is take the bins out. But, he's well aware he doesnt lift a finger that way and the deal is if i snap mine for some DIY to be done he springs off that sofa like his arse is on fire to do it! 🤣

This is such a good idea though

I think it's a man thing.

I had a lodger once who lived with me Monday to Friday then went home to his wife and 3 kids for the week-end who swore he did everything in the house.

He didn't think he was lying - he actually thought he did everything.

Most men like to pick very visible tasks. Likely because they literally don’t realise the other ones exist.

They pick cooking or washing up or laundry or bins…. Because the thought of wiping the windowsills, dusting the shelves, cleaning windows, dusting lamps, washing skirting board and doors, wiping hairs off sinks and scrubbing toilets, cleaning the bath, mopping and vacuuming weekly (not bi-annually), doing a dishwasher rinse or cleaning the washing machine drawer, putting literally anything away, changing sink/fridge filters, defrosting freezers, washing sinks (my husband didn’t know sinks needed cleaning), washing the cooker hood, cleaning the oven, packing leftovers away, clearing out the fridge…. those jobs don’t exist to them. Because they’re less visible and their wives and girlfriends do them without making it a big deal.

I think it would be interesting if I wrote down all the things I do, and all the things I think DH does.

Then if DH did the same.

How different would those lists look?

And would it lead to divorce?

…….and this is openly modelled for a teenage boy.