To wonder why people don’t use the safety tools available when blending a family?

Whatever, you seem to be oddly fixated on me because I said PP knows and trusts her partner after 7 years.

Honestly weird to pick up on such an innocuous comment.

You can go away now.

Literally just saying what you said. That there is no need for it because anyone needing one of these checks would be showing red flags and it would he obvious.

I’ve worked with abused women. I’ve worked with people in prison. Have you?

It is not obvious. It is also not a woman’s fault for not knowing because… it isn’t obvious.

What you said was dangerous.

Another really dangerous post. Are you actually telling single mothers or any women dating a new man who choose to use these checks that it is a red flag to do so?

Wow. Just wow. Women are killed every week by boyfriends and husbands. A lot of those new relationships so the woman hasn’t had a chance to know him yet, but after her death, his history is revealed. And she’d have known if she had checked. It should be made entirely normal and judgement free to check. How dangerous of you to tell women that is weird or a red flag for wanting to check someone you don’t know.

They can’t stop everything, it only shows if there is a history. But anyone dating should be free to access that history so they don’t waste 6 months or a year getting to know someone and then finding out some bad truths.

My friend did this and I feel so sad for her. She's recently had her 8th baby with a 7th father. And she's raising this tiny baby as a single parent.... and already looking for a new partner.

She had her first baby at 15 and even back then I was like omg your crazy, and she said to me "this baby will always love me and never leave me"

I've never forget her saying that and the more failed relationships she's had / more children she's had, I always remember her saying that,

She's always sought love in the wrong places

Her children have a mix of fathers, none of them good people. It's been very sad to watch happen

God, go get a hobby. Do you know me in real life? Is that why you’re still tagging me and making things up?

Apparently @FiletOFishMeal is the type of person to deny the possibility, because it’s so easy to know someone and know that you don’t need to check because it would be obvious. Apparently.

There’s no way of 100% guaranteeing someone is completely safe around your kids, although I agree there are ways of reducing that risk.

The reasons for not using them will vary but I think quite often people put their own desire to have a live-in partner ahead of their kids. It’s not nice to hear but it’s true, of some people.

You made a dangerous post suggesting that people always know if someone if good or not. It simply isn’t true and, as I said makes you very naive or, at worst, stupid. You doubted down, then said naive and stupid are the same thing 🫤 (which they’re not). So, I don’t think I’m actually wrong in insulting your intelligence.

You said something really quite wrong; that it’s easy to tell if someone is safe or not. Then you’ve carried on saying some odd things. I’m not the weirdo here.

I didn’t introduce my partner to my daughter for over a year and didn’t move him in for seven years.

That gave me the time I needed to do all the vetting I needed. I spent time with him, met his friends and family and got to know how he interacted with my child.

I don’t think a Clare’s Law application would have told me much that I didn’t already know.

I’m not minimising your concern: I think some parents move new partners in far too early. But wisdom, time and instinct are ultimately more useful than a very narrow government check. If you feel you need that kind of intervention its probably a red flag.

It’s as though the OP thinks single parents are moving folk in and out at the drop of a hat.

my friend has been a social worker 25 years and told me it is disheartening how so many vulnerable women can be trapped in a destructive cycle:

• have a baby young in an unstable relationship with an awful bloke
• wind up a single parent
• don't cope with being alone/desperate for love so swiftly seek out a new (equally useless or abusive) partner
• have another baby early in the relationship
• are treated badly, end up single again
• swiftly seek another partner

The impact on their kids is terrible, absent dead beat dads, mum is desperate for love with new partners, constant stream of awful men moved through their lives, mum is increasingly vulnerable & lacks resilience. The kids become traumatised which can lead to them getting trapped in a similar cycle as adults.

Its very sad for all concerned.

Where did I say it did? I am just responding to some posters who seem to think OP is crazy to consider new partners so differently to men already within the family.

They can’t ’screen’ every man like a DBS
It does not work like this, I have had one

We never really know people, we just know what they choose to show us. Loads of people on here have been horrified to discover hidden secrets when sorting out their deceased fathers things ect,

People think of predators as people who jump out and get you, it's not like that, it could be anyone. It could even be the person whose been the kindest / loveliest person you'd ever think you could meet

Predators are usually very good at manipulating people, being seen as kind, a good person ect

It's happened hundreds of thousands of times, I don't know why anyone would deny that it's a possibility

Because you can’t randomly request a disclosure about a person who as exhibited no behaviours that could lead to harm
the risk must be credible and proportionate to outweigh the right to privacy

it is not a screening program, they would not disclose in these circumstances without other risk factors

Well to be fair, some women do. I know not all, but I have known some who do.

Oh, so you’re just an odd person.

I don’t understand why you’ve insulted my intelligence twice and now are suggesting that you’ve hit a nerve? I haven’t even said anything controversial or ‘stupid’, but you seem to be out for a fight.

Why are you trying to be antagonistic for no reason? Im not a single mum, so whatever you think you’re doing is not working.

I won’t be engaging further.

I had an enhanced DBS done for mine but as we all know that just mean they haven’t been caught, but why are you assuming that most don’t do checks?

I suppose the difference is though that you would likely know if these men had any police history/convictions of a worrying kind. It's different when you meet a new partner.

I don't think OP's being wildly over the top with her suggestions. Tbh I think the reality is that a lot of people don't even know about these checks, and if they do they certainly don't think to use them on a partner until a red flag appears.

I do think new male partners coming into a home with existing children are a high-risk group, so I agree with you OP. Many women are far to eager to rush into happy families, and it’s very worrying when it happens.

No, they don’t mean the same thing. You’re just digging yourself further into looking quite foolish.

And you seem really offended at the idea that you can’t always tell a good person from a bad person. I think I’ve hit a nerve here.

Well, I didn’t think you actually were stupid. More naive at best… but now… hmm.

It’s not all about you, right? We’re having a discussion about why this sort of thing is needed and you made a claim that of course women would know if they needed to check because they can tell a wrong ‘un. All I did was point out that that isn’t actually correct, and you’re doubling down? So yes, stupid rather than naive then. if you truly believe that it’s easy to tell if someone might not be safe.

What? I said "half of the time, the mother isn't to blame" about family members/ bio dad's - meaning somtimes, the mum is also to blame ( some children will tell their mother and the mother will call them a liar )

Unfortunetly, as many of us know, some women cannot appropriately judge who is safe to be around their children and it's the children who carry the consequences

I think most people wouldn’t put their partner of how ever many years on the same level with the guy they walked past at Tesco’s, and you calling them ‘random men’ implies that there’s no difference. I do think that women are sensible enough to wait until they bring a new partner home, let alone leaving them with their children unsupervised. A bigger danger are relatives, there’s less suspicion and more chance that they are unsupervised with children.

I’m stupid? Ok then. I haven’t ended up with the sort of person you describe, so evidently not.

Clare’s law is gods to have, but it’s not really going to be useful to most people, or used by many people.

Also, naive and stupid mean basically the same thing, so there is a level of irony to your comment 😑

I simply would never move a man while I had DC at home