To wonder why people don’t use the safety tools available when blending a family?

I’m also a social worker and have seen this so often .

Just as before I had children, there would be no screen time until they were two, absolutely no junk food and only breast milk for the first six months but the reality has been somewhat different, it would also be different if I was actually a single parent. It’s very easy to say you wouldn’t dream of bringing a man into your child’s life from the comfortable standpoint of a two parent family.

Somebody who actually realises this

you cannot just ask for a disclosure, it is not the case, nobody seems to want to take that on board

People should also be aware you have to have the correct name and date of birth for these checks to even find the person you want checked. It’s a known phenomenon where abusive men give the wrong year of birth to their partners.

pedophiles also known to change their name for this reason.

obviously the checks have some value but they have massive flaws.

You have to have suspicions to do these checks though don’t you? I have a vague recollection of this being discussed at a group I attended via woman’s aid. Someone said they had tried clairs law for a new boyfriend and the police refused to do it without her having experienced behaviour from him to justify it- the lead of the group said yes that’s the case.

so essentially you can’t do it without cause and so if you are doing it you would have reached the point you should end it anyway!

I do know family can do it. So if you have concerns about a man moving into a relatives home you can do the check and the police won’t disclose to you but if something comes up they will contact the woman directly and disclose to her. So they have value there.

I hope women are not persuaded a man that feels off is safe just because noting came up in his check.

I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with these checks, far from it. Probably more people should take advantage of them.

But if you meet someone and, early in the relationship, feel the need to do a Clare’s Law check there are probably some other alarms bells going off which you should be listening to.

Nor will a clean Clare’s Law check give you a complete clean bill of health if someone. It just establishes that they don’t meet the most serious security risks for you and your family.

Far safer just to take things really slowly, meet the friends and family of the new partner and see how things evolve.

Well people dont always use their brains when having the first child so they wouldnt when they blend after that

Many midwives have ended up reporting mothers to social services during routine pregnancy check ups, it's not unheard of

on that logic, why not mothers before the leave the hospital after delivery?

Haven’t read the full thread but to those that think if they are going to be a risk they’ll be a walking red flag…. They aren’t. They are often pleasant and charming and when they are caught it breeds comments of “he was such a lovely guy, I can’t believe he would do that”.

I was with my ex for 10 years…. Only lived together for 2 (Covid)…. Turned out he had been a paedo pretty much the whole time… there weren’t checks back then and even if there had been he hadn’t been caught so nothing would have flagged. He presented as an all round good guy, raised money for charity, helped his friends out when they needed it, looked after his elderly uncle. IF I was going to see someone again I’d check them out. Realistically though I won’t have another relationship. I don’t trust others and, more importantly, I don’t trust myself to judge them accurately (even though my therapist has told me that you can’t tell who these people are because they are master manipulators). I’m assuming these checks can be carried out on people of either sex and, again IF, I was going to have a relationship I would encourage said partner to carry out the check on me. It should be standard. Like getting a clean bill of sexual health.

You can't get these checks done for the sake of it though.

You have to have a reasonable suspicion.

If you have a reason to suspect then having this check done could falsely reassure you.

I can’t believe people bring an unrelated adult into their children’s homes at all tbh.

Apologies - I’m not denying these things happen, of course they do.
I was trying to point out that the initial post where the OP said single parents move “random” men in is a bit of a sweeping statement towards single parents.
Abuse can happen within families by parents, siblings, aunts, uncles etc but the post was aimed just at single parents and I was pointing this out.

Some are. My mum was. That's how I got abused at 7 years old. Please don't deny that these things happen - there sadly are a lot of crap parents around, desperate for love/shagging/someone to live with, at their kids' expense.

By getting checks you are seeking to reduce risk. That is all.

No it doesn't provide a 100% foolproof way of knowing whether someone is a risk, but in some cases it can provide valuable information. Worth doing and not just depending on how 'nice' someone appears to be or one's instincts. Sexual predators can be skilled (and some trade tips with each other online about how to groom SP to get to the kids)

And anyone who then sees a clear report and assumes that means they can completely let all the guard rails down and sees it as an automatic green light to allow a man to move in, does indeed, lack critical thinking. But then some SP do, that is the point.

I cannot see why a person would not seek to do a check if they have young children.

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/domestic-abuse-bill-2020-factsheets/domestic-violence-disclosure-scheme-factsheet#:~:text=The%20Domestic%20Violence%20Disclosure%20Scheme,previous%20abusive%20or%20violent%20offending.

I understand that, but you can’t ask for one just to decide whether a man can move in by doing a disclosure, unless he was displaying other concerning behaviours, in which case hopefully you wouldn’t anyway!

Where did I say anything about moving in after a couple of weeks?

Those checks will more likely give a false sense of security, most abusers/rapists don't have convictions.

You cant get one without a good reason, by which point the guy should be dumped anyway, if you have a reason, get the check and it comes back with nothing then a lot of women would stay because he hasnt had a conviction.

There really is a lack of critical thinking on here, you're right.

I work in crime and this is a shockingly common scenario. It may not be the people YOU mix with - but it is. I’ve seen plenty of cases of people letting boyfriends of a few weeks move in with them and their kids, letting them bathe the kids etc - guess what happens then.

Men are answerable for their behaviour but that’s separate to women answering for their own tragic safeguarding failures and the way in which they badly let down their own kids

My ex is a registered sex offender. His new GF has 3 children - she has had full disclosure from the police (after a re-arrest) and social services were informed. However, she is STILL with him! How he's managed to spin that around I've no idea but it beggars belief

Sorry… let me check what you mean.

As a single parent, you’d meet someone, do the check after a couple weeks and then immediately move them in with your kid? That would be insane. Who does that?

You do these checks for your own personal safety when dating because a lot of women are murdered by new boyfriends. It gives you a quick out if you find something out early on. So you’re not wasting your time, and not putting yourself and kids at potential risk that’s easy to avoid.

If it’s clear then great, you go ahead with dating and maybe a relationship and then maybe a couple years later, when you know them and know if the relationship will last, then you might introduce them to your kids.

Anyone saying the checks are useless is just stupid. But anyway who thinks you do a check and then take them home to your kid when you still hardly know them is even more stupid.

You really do see a complete lack of critical thinking on this forum.

Exactly. It's more stupid to do one of these checks and have it come back with no convictions and trust that, than be in a relationship for a long period of time and trust what you have seen over almost a decade.

Sadly, we don’t always know who is a predator and who isn’t.

I was sexually abused as a child by my brother. People are shocked, as he comes across as a lovely, stand up guy (vegetarian, loves animals, does charity work etc). He also abused his own daughter.

My best friend was abused for years by her own Father.

I used to do supported lodgings (similar to fostering but for 16-18 year olds). In terms of the girls that lived with me, the vast majority of their Mothers would literally flit from one man to the next. Go out with them for a few weeks, move them in, get pregnant, end up in a DV relationship. Kids end up in care, bloke moves out, kids come back. A few months later rinse and repeat. I really feel for these women, as they are obviously incredibly vulnerable and lonely and abusive men latch onto them because they know they can abuse them and treat them like shit. In quite a number of instances, they abused the children too.

As a single parent, I just start with the premise that no man can be trusted with my child, so have stayed single. My DS is now 20 and I have got that used to being on my own and independent, now I can’t be bothered with a relationship. Love being single, doing my own thing, making my own decisions, having my own money etc.

Quite. It’s all very main character syndrome.