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Original poster

Is my boyfriend making excuses not to buy a house with me?

160 replies

LemonBelly · 19/02/2026 09:06

I own my own house, have done for 4 years now. My boyfriend rents and has a preteen daughter.

We decided this year, after lots of thought and discussion, we want to move in together and want to buy rather than rent. We spend most of the time between each others houses anyway but live an hour apart, we are very much a family without the joint house right now.

We chatted about timings and set loose plans that spring is a good time to sell/buy so the first step for me was to get my house valued, which I did. My boyfriend owns his own business and has done for nearly 3 years, but from what I understand he doesn’t take much of a monthly wage, he only takes what he needs and leaves as much as he can within the business. He was concerned that it would be hard to get a mortgage without proof of income but I did a bit of research and it’s not as black and white as that, they can look at the business income etc.

He said his next steps were to file his tax returns and then meet with his accountant. I waited a couple of weeks since that conversation and then asked him how it all went, he said fine and yes he met with his accountant who said all should be fine for a mortgage. And that was the end of that. I asked him a couple of days later what the next steps are, because I don’t want to put my house on the market too hastily, he said he’s waiting to hear back about his tax stuff and then he will let me know and we can book a meeting in with my mortgage advisor. But gave no timelines and no real commitment. It’s hard to explain but he was very flippant about it.

I decided to communicate to him that I felt like he wasn’t as in to this as I am and that it’s fine if he wants to wait, but he said no he would move in with me tomorrow if he could.

I don’t know why I feel so bothered by it, because he’s saying the right things and is doing things to progress. Maybe it’s my lack of understanding about how it works when you own a business or a bit of insecurity. I don’t know what I’m asking for really, some reassurance that I’m going mad and overthinking

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 19/02/2026 10:44

'he would move in with me tomorrow if he could.'

is that actually what he said

listen to and understand his words

the title of your thread is about buying a house with him not him moving in with you...

HappyFace2025 · 19/02/2026 10:42

Putting your house on the market having owned for such a short time may mean you are losing money, especially when accounting for the costs of buying and selling and the fact that the market has bombed. Of course, the area you live in may have escaped the down turn but that still doesn't mean you will not lose money. But as others have said, there are too many red flags with your boyfriend and his daughter. Living apart for the time being sounds sensible.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 19/02/2026 10:42

Are you planning on getting married? I would do this first. If you're not absolutely don't move in with him. If you're are don't sell your house until you are. Get legal advice. This sounds like a very bad idea ATM.

LoveWine123 · 19/02/2026 10:41

Why not live together first, OP? You could have them live at your house for a period of time to make sure all three of you are certain? Even if your house if not 100% suitable, it’s still a good a test of how you all handle challenges together. You seem to be rushing ahead of him a bit…

dragonbreaths · 19/02/2026 10:41

fingers crossed the 24 Hours in Police Custody cameras are around

sorry this was for Andrew thread

Sishere · 19/02/2026 10:40

He has a child
She will be his number 1 priority by a country margin
He is no doubts having doubts relating to her.

Will his daughter have to move schools?

Sishere · 19/02/2026 10:38

How long have you been together?

OoooopsUpsideYourHead · 19/02/2026 10:37

You really need to say how long you've been together OP because it is relevant.

HarlanCobenDogshit · 19/02/2026 10:37

Where is the deposit coming from?

Have you seen evidence of his?

Please don't do this if all your equity is the only deposit.

Heronwatcher · 19/02/2026 10:34

Also where do he and his daughter live at the moment? Is she at school? Would you be moving to “their” area? What are relations like with his ex?

If he is renting couldn’t he move half way between you and his DD so you can have less of a distance between your houses (half an hour). Or couldn’t he move in with you for a trial period first and maybe try to save a deposit himself?

Tacohill · 19/02/2026 10:32

I just wouldn’t mention it again and wait for him to to say that everything is done and he’s ready to move forward.

He either doesn’t want to move it he’s very passive and you have to try and force information of him - I’m not sure which is worse tbh.

It sounds like you don’t have much knowledge of his financial situation and he’s not firth coming - buying a home with someone like this could cause massive issues.

The DD is also another big issue and it seems like neither of you are sure whether she will definitely be moving in with you FT or not - surely this is really important to know because this limits where you can live because of school etc and has he spoken to his ex about it etc.

Honestly it sounds like this is a half hearted plan which makes me think he either doesn’t want to move in with you or he just wants you to do all of the work whilst he drags his feet.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 19/02/2026 10:29

Aren’t you seeing red flags here OP? Im seeing a whole buntings worth.

Whats this man’s history? Do you know exactly what has gone on with previous relationships? How long have you been with him? Are you trying to progress things with a view of getting married and having your own family?

ranchdressing · 19/02/2026 10:28

Agree with others. DO NOT SELL YOUR HOUSE.

Right now it sounds like he's getting what he wants and you're investing in your own property. Let him and maintain full control of your own investment.

Heronwatcher · 19/02/2026 10:26

Ok, no one can ever be 100% sure if things are going to work out. You’re naive if you think that’s possible. What would you do if:

  • he gets sick and can’t pay the mortgage;
  • his business goes down the pan;
  • he has severe mental health problems;
  • you hate the new area or new house but he or his daughter refuse to move;
  • he starts behaving like an arse (not uncommon when people feel like they have their feet under the table) or has an affair; or
  • his daughter morphs into the teen from hell and makes your life miserable in your own home (drugs, attitude, sex, hates you). Again not uncommon if she’s had a hard time.

Even if you’ve protected your equity in a trust, you might have to go to court to get an order for sale and in the meantime you’ll be in a living hell with the house falling down around your ears and your equity decreasing probably.

There are a few red flags already, him dragging his heels, not bringing in a good wage, being a bit cagey about finances and not owning his own place despite having a child. All of this sounds like a potential disaster to me.

MissSpindle · 19/02/2026 10:25

TFImBackIn · 19/02/2026 09:33

You would be insane to sell your home in order to set up a home with someone like this. God knows what he's up to financially but it's obvious that he will not be able to get a mortgage. Why would you give up all your security to move in with him and his daughter when you haven't lived together before, he clearly isn't transparent financially and the odds are his daughter won't want to live with you anyway? Do you have any idea how difficult it would be to break up? You would be the one to move out - you know that, don't you?

100% agree with this.

He sounds like too much of a liability. I wouldn't do it if I was in your shoes, OP.

Merseymum1980 · 19/02/2026 10:24

Starlight1979 · 19/02/2026 10:07

From a different POV, my DH is self employed and currently out of work due to injury (he does a manual job which he isn't physically going to be able to do for at least 4-6 weeks). We are going to be relying on my salary until he can get back to work. We own our house and obviously been together a long time, married etc so it is what it is. But no way in your position would I be giving up the security of my own home.

Would you be happy to financially support your partner (and his daughter) if his business went bump? Because once you own a house together then that's what you're signing up to.

Just because someone owns a successful business or is doing well, doesn't mean that things can't change in the blink of an eye. That's the bonus of a secure, employed role I guess. Also, 3 years isn't long for a business to be established at all...

Completley agree with this,tread carefully op. He may also be awaiting a tax bill (depending when his company are due to file), so he may be awaiting to find out about any corporation tax or if he has anything owed on dividends. So that could be something he is waiting for.
Id normally say sit him down and just ask for a straight answer however given that you have never lived together before and that you have some equity id just hang fire for now.
Also if it doesnt work out it could cause problems for his dd who is coming up to a sensitive age.
He may not be hiding anything financially by a lower wage as he may be giving himself dividends, i dont fully understand about that as im not great with all that

ArcticSkua · 19/02/2026 10:17

Is there a big rush, OP? I know you discussed that spring is a good time to buy/sell, but if that's the only reason to hurry things along, I'd forget about that. It's more important to make sure he's completely on board than to rush things or aim for a particular time of year.

Accept in your own mind that you're very unlikely to be putting your house on the market in the next few weeks. Sit tight and see how things go. If he wants to buy a house with you and he's in a financial position to do so, then it will happen eventually. If not then it will become clear at some point. But I don't think there's any reason to force things at this point.

watchingthishtread · 19/02/2026 10:13

He's having cold feet about buying. It could be from a financial standpoint or a from a relationship standpoint, only he can tell you which. You're taking a big leap by buying together without having rented together first. It's risky and he has a daughter to consider. You might spend a lot of time in each others houses now but it's not the same thing. You're not splitting bills and dividing household tasks. I suggest you rent together first.

MsGreying · 19/02/2026 10:09

Stopping and waiting is a good idea.
Stop talking about it.
You need to practice living together for a good length of time first.
Blended breaks really easily. Untangling them from your wallet will be really hard .

What's his rental situation? He might be giving up a secure tenancy which he'd be mad to do without proper planning.

MiaKulper · 19/02/2026 10:09

You haven't answered if you have or plan to have children.

Starlight1979 · 19/02/2026 10:07

From a different POV, my DH is self employed and currently out of work due to injury (he does a manual job which he isn't physically going to be able to do for at least 4-6 weeks). We are going to be relying on my salary until he can get back to work. We own our house and obviously been together a long time, married etc so it is what it is. But no way in your position would I be giving up the security of my own home.

Would you be happy to financially support your partner (and his daughter) if his business went bump? Because once you own a house together then that's what you're signing up to.

Just because someone owns a successful business or is doing well, doesn't mean that things can't change in the blink of an eye. That's the bonus of a secure, employed role I guess. Also, 3 years isn't long for a business to be established at all...

MissyMooPoo2 · 19/02/2026 10:01

It’s obviously not a priority for him, so please stop it being a priority for you. You’re ready to give up your own home for someone who isn’t matching you in any way. As others have suggested, it would be sensible not to push on this until you’re both much more certain.

Edited to add: If you do push, you run the risk of later resenting having made all that effort as well as regretting giving up your own security.

Starlight1979 · 19/02/2026 10:01

How long have you been together @LemonBelly ?

Ninerainbows · 19/02/2026 10:01

If he doesn't have much income from the business and is paying any child maintenance, you may well get a mortgage but it's probably not going to be a mainstream lender with a decent rate.

Merseymum1980 · 19/02/2026 10:01

I have a small business. A lot of small business owners are really concerned about the future at the moment due to increase in ni, minimum wage increases and the fact that there seems to be a lot less money about generally at the moment.
This could be the issue and pride may be stopping him.discussing.
Either way id drop the subject.for now and enjoy your own security