Is my boyfriend making excuses not to buy a house with me?

The first thing I thought, as me and my BF were in a similar position. You live an hour apart, are you moving to his area or is he moving to yours? Would suggest if hes moving to yours he may not want to anymore. This is what happened in my situation I decided I dint want to move my kids out of school.

This.

He’s not saying the right things at all. He’s not being completely transparent with you. Why doesn’t he invite you to the meeting with his accountant?

How do you plan to manage your finances when you buy the house? Will you ringfence your deposits?

Are you buying as Tenants in common, say 50/50 or Joint (100/100) tenants?

Will you put everything into one pot to pay the bills and take out an equal amount for fun money?

Will you work out a percentage contribution for all bills or allocate specific bills to a named person.

Do you plan to have children with him?

Until you nail down some of these answers you’re likely to be shafted financially long term, just like millions of other trusting women. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hmm. If you havent already, I'd be asking him a full and frank conversation about money before committing to this bloke on a mortgage.

It might be that he wants to keep his finances veiled from you, or it could be that he is waiting for year end (April 5th). Whichever it is, protect your financial position!

So when you said you met your current partner on online dating…. You were lying?

I agree with the majority of PP upthread. The very fact that you have come on here shows that your spidery senses have been alerted by your BF apparent procrastination. In your position I would wait a few weeks more before having a frank talk about finances. I suspect that what other PP have speculated about his tax and/or financial dealings with his ex may be the problem. If so you will need him to be transparent with you so you can make an informed decision. Do not risk your own property and financial independence.

I think his finances are perhaps not great in terms of getting a mortgage so he’s procrastinating

I do think you’d be crazy to do this just now. I’d either keep things as they are for a couple of years, or sell and buy somewhere nearer him, but keep your money and your independence

Clearly she does given that she wants to buy a house with him. Why do people ask such ridiculous, pointless questions on this app now.

Could be he has debts from his previous relationship hence why he is worriedz

He cant live at my house because of his daughter, she’d be an hour from her school and mum

An hour isn't that far. I'd definitely try living together before you buy together.

Communication is one of the most important aspects in a relationship and he is crap at it.

It’s likely never been an issue in the past 3 years because you’ve had this fun relationship of not having any joint responsibilities and mainly only staying over on weekends.

Now that more serious stuff has come up like moving house, it’s where people’s true selves/compatibilty comes out.
And he is not showing himself in a good light.

I think you also may have not thought/discussed the DD enough.

Will you both be paying the same amount of mortgage or will his be higher?
What about food and utilities, will it be all split 50/50 or he pay 2/3rds to cover DDs?
Are you ok with her living at home until she’s 30?
Are you ok with her having boyfriends and friends around regularly?
What are your views on her paying rent when she’s older?
If she’s unwell or needs driving to places whose responsibility is that?
What if she gets pregnant at 14 and you’ve got not just her but a baby living there for years too.
What if you don’t agree with DPs parenting and think she needs more or less discipline?
What if she gets upset or jealous of you too wanting alone time?

I adore my nieces and nephews. I’ve known them their entire lives and they regularly stay mine - but living with them FT would be very, very different.

You seem to have your head screwed on and are in a much better position than him - you have a good job, your own home, no dependent DC, you’ve been proactive around living together and thought it through properly.
He has no mortgage, has a DC, is SE but you’re not sure how much he earns, he’s flakey, not a good communicator and isn’t proactive.

I’m not saying he’s a bad man but I think it’s always more sensible to be on the skeptical side.

Let his actions speak louder than his words.

You say you want to move anyway.
So why not just move closer to DP and his DD but not move in together just yet.
You’ll get to see each other more and it just gives you that bit of extra time.

Can I ask why you want to move in together so soon?
Do you want children together or for financial reasons?
Or purely just to spend more time together?

Was he married to the ex?

If so I’d be wanting to see the consent/financial order with a clean break clause. Without a clean break clause, the ex can come back for your joint house, future pensions or inheritance unless she remarries then the financial ties will be severed.

I’ve met many people who assume once you’re divorced that’s it but it’s not true. My divorce was amicable and we had no joint assets. Nevertheless I paid for a consent order with clean break clause to myself in the future.

Cant believe you are discussing buying together and speaking about areas and mortgages but you don’t even know what he earns??? That should have been the very first question. So I earn this per month and have (or could generate) x for a deposit. What about you? Don’t do it.

He's got a business that he only takes enough wage to scrape by or he's dodging taxes and paying more child support. That's a big red flag right there.

You sell your security to move in with this guy and his child. What if she doesn't like living with you? Living with dad's gf is very different than just being around dad's gf. What if you guys aren't compatible living together?

You stand to lose a lot here and it's sounding like he's not moving this forward, for whatever reason. Put it on hold for a while. Rent out your place and move in if you really want to live with him and his kid, but what a red flag that you guys are ready to buy a house together but he's not financially transparent with you.

If you want to move anyway, can’t you just get a 2 bed place a bit closer to your current job? What do the finances look like on that compared to what you’d be buying with him? Beware of thinking that you need a full on 3 bed family house with 2 garages etc, a 2 bed place would probably be fine for the foreseeable.

Where is he living now? And how much of a deposit would he be putting in? Plus how much income does he need to reliably generate from the business- and is that do-able given the fact that he’s barely paying himself at the moment? It’s not just getting the mortgage- someone also need to pay it monthly?

And are you absolutely sure that if his business got into financial trouble the debtors of the business couldn’t come after the house (at least “his” share)? Because this can happen depending on the legal structure of his company.

Please don’t let him move into your house, I got stung like this if you end up cohabitating with him in your house he could actually have a claim on your property if you really want to live with this guy although it sounds to me like not a great plan. Rent your house out and rent somewhere together you’ll soon see who he is I think it’s a huge problem!
The fact that he’s delaying getting it together is actually doing you a huge favour please be careful so many people get ripped off by what are seemingly wonderful partners until it goes wrong and they’re living in your home

As pp have said buying together is a huge commitment with big implications that go far beyond just living in the same place. And even though he is the one who seems to be hesitating those big implications may fall more heavily on you than on him. You have a lot to lose here.

I definitely will not be selling my house until I am 100% sure everything is going to work out okay.

Well, you're not sure enough to marry each other. So what does "100% sure everything is going to work out okay" look like?

maybe he didn’t see the point in giving me all the little details

These are not "little details" though. You need to know a lot more unromantic financial shit about him before you commit to this plan.

Say I was married to him 10 years ago and we shared a daughter, if his business fell through I’d have to support the family while he found other work.

And yet now you are putting yourself in that position with a man you aren't married to and a girl who isn't your daughter.

It may all work out but you're not wrong to worry about the gap between what he's saying and doing. And slow things down. At least have a good hard think about why you aren't marrying first.

His financial affairs are opaque to you. Why does he not take much salary? What happens to the rest? Is his business profitable? Is he fully up front about tax? I’d want to see his business books and tax return before linking financially with him.

I think this is a crazy idea OP. The red flags are blinding.

You dont know how much he earns... but you apparently know that his staff are well paid? This makes no sense

You dont understand anything about how his finances or business affairs work... but your going to trust him to keep a roof over your head?

Doesn't matter if you know the daughter her entire life, or get in well, LIVING in eachothers pockets is soooo much harder.

Staying at his for weekends and then having your own nice house to fo back to is not the same as OWNING a house with a man you can't get a straight answer from.

I'm not even sure his vague responses are the issue. He probably thinks you are more savvy than you are and probably thinks you understand what he's talking about re accountants and tax. If you don't 100% understand, ask him what he's talking about. If you can't get a straightforward answer... that's an answer in itself.

You selling a house to buy a house for him and his daughter (that's essentially what's happening) is ludicrous.

Also 3 yrs is absolutely nothing considering you have never lived together and don't know about eachothers finances and he has a Daughter and a business.

Sounds liek the relationship is fine, and moving in together is nice, but selling your security and buying together is like skipping 10 steps ahead and is absolutely bonkers.

On the face of it sounds like his finances aren't in order and he knows it

But you aren't married... and you don't share a daughter. You want to play house

Isn't he just a common or garden cocklodger wannabe @LemonBelly ?

I’m not sure I’d put myself in a vulnerable position of being a joint owner with a boyfriend ever again. I like the security and power of being the full owner of a home and having him
staying and contributing but ultimately he’s
the one who would have to leave if it didn’t work out. I understand the romance and commitment of being shared owners and the potential for buying a more expensive property but often both parties lose out if things go wrong and end up with less to move on with

I think he’s ready to move in with you, not to buy a house with you.

I’m a single parent myself so I know he has a lot on his plate as is but frankly I feel like you have the most to lose in this situation. I’d stay put if I were you.