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Original poster

Is my boyfriend making excuses not to buy a house with me?

160 replies

LemonBelly · 19/02/2026 09:06

I own my own house, have done for 4 years now. My boyfriend rents and has a preteen daughter.

We decided this year, after lots of thought and discussion, we want to move in together and want to buy rather than rent. We spend most of the time between each others houses anyway but live an hour apart, we are very much a family without the joint house right now.

We chatted about timings and set loose plans that spring is a good time to sell/buy so the first step for me was to get my house valued, which I did. My boyfriend owns his own business and has done for nearly 3 years, but from what I understand he doesn’t take much of a monthly wage, he only takes what he needs and leaves as much as he can within the business. He was concerned that it would be hard to get a mortgage without proof of income but I did a bit of research and it’s not as black and white as that, they can look at the business income etc.

He said his next steps were to file his tax returns and then meet with his accountant. I waited a couple of weeks since that conversation and then asked him how it all went, he said fine and yes he met with his accountant who said all should be fine for a mortgage. And that was the end of that. I asked him a couple of days later what the next steps are, because I don’t want to put my house on the market too hastily, he said he’s waiting to hear back about his tax stuff and then he will let me know and we can book a meeting in with my mortgage advisor. But gave no timelines and no real commitment. It’s hard to explain but he was very flippant about it.

I decided to communicate to him that I felt like he wasn’t as in to this as I am and that it’s fine if he wants to wait, but he said no he would move in with me tomorrow if he could.

I don’t know why I feel so bothered by it, because he’s saying the right things and is doing things to progress. Maybe it’s my lack of understanding about how it works when you own a business or a bit of insecurity. I don’t know what I’m asking for really, some reassurance that I’m going mad and overthinking

OP posts:
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Tuckup · 26/02/2026 09:15

Is he still making excuses @LemonBelly ? It just looks to me like he doesn’t want to buy with you but doesn’t have the back bone to be straight with you

MissyMooPoo2 · 20/02/2026 10:25

sausagedog2000 · 19/02/2026 13:39

Clearly she does given that she wants to buy a house with him. Why do people ask such ridiculous, pointless questions on this app now.

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Why do people people make such ridiculous, pointless comments on this app now.

Leftyesterday · 20/02/2026 06:38

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pinkyredrose · 19/02/2026 18:29

MiaKulper · 19/02/2026 16:59

Good point.
Online dating expectations | Mumsnet

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Tbf they may have met online and then gone on to form mutual friendships. Anyway he doesn't sound like he's keen to buy a house with her.

Jackiepumpkinhead · 19/02/2026 18:17

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I mean, don’t force it and if he does suddenly spring into action, she would be crazy to do it.

Sishere · 19/02/2026 17:17

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MiaKulper · 19/02/2026 16:59

Sishere · 19/02/2026 14:02

So when you said you met your current partner on online dating…. You were lying?

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Good point.
Online dating expectations | Mumsnet

Luvmusic · 19/02/2026 16:40

Tacohill · 19/02/2026 13:13

Communication is one of the most important aspects in a relationship and he is crap at it.

It’s likely never been an issue in the past 3 years because you’ve had this fun relationship of not having any joint responsibilities and mainly only staying over on weekends.

Now that more serious stuff has come up like moving house, it’s where people’s true selves/compatibilty comes out.
And he is not showing himself in a good light.

I think you also may have not thought/discussed the DD enough.

Will you both be paying the same amount of mortgage or will his be higher?
What about food and utilities, will it be all split 50/50 or he pay 2/3rds to cover DDs?
Are you ok with her living at home until she’s 30?
Are you ok with her having boyfriends and friends around regularly?
What are your views on her paying rent when she’s older?
If she’s unwell or needs driving to places whose responsibility is that?
What if she gets pregnant at 14 and you’ve got not just her but a baby living there for years too.
What if you don’t agree with DPs parenting and think she needs more or less discipline?
What if she gets upset or jealous of you too wanting alone time?

I adore my nieces and nephews. I’ve known them their entire lives and they regularly stay mine - but living with them FT would be very, very different.

You seem to have your head screwed on and are in a much better position than him - you have a good job, your own home, no dependent DC, you’ve been proactive around living together and thought it through properly.
He has no mortgage, has a DC, is SE but you’re not sure how much he earns, he’s flakey, not a good communicator and isn’t proactive.

I’m not saying he’s a bad man but I think it’s always more sensible to be on the skeptical side.

Let his actions speak louder than his words.

You say you want to move anyway.
So why not just move closer to DP and his DD but not move in together just yet.
You’ll get to see each other more and it just gives you that bit of extra time.

Can I ask why you want to move in together so soon?
Do you want children together or for financial reasons?
Or purely just to spend more time together?

Excellent advice

VickyEadieofThigh · 19/02/2026 16:32

OP, is it part of the plan that if you do move in together, he massively increases his wage from the business in order to pay his fare share of mortgage and household expenses?

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 19/02/2026 16:24

There is no way on this earth that I would give up my house that I solely own in order to put it in the pot to facilitate buying another one with a man, any man. I’ve lost too much in the past to ever consider sharing my assets.

Sishere · 19/02/2026 16:08

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Silverbirchleaf · 19/02/2026 16:07

This is quite an unusual mn thread. Usually we get the single, homeless /renting man desperate move in with a financially secure partner!

Jackiepumpkinhead · 19/02/2026 16:00

Don’t do it!

Sishere · 19/02/2026 14:48

InMyOodie · 19/02/2026 14:46

That's how it works in normal relationships when neither has anything to hide. You do the maths together.

It sounds like he's dodging being transparent by making out his business financials are 'too complicated' for the OP to understand. He seems shifty.

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Or… disinterested in buying with the OP!

Sishere · 19/02/2026 14:47

pinkyredrose · 19/02/2026 14:44

I don't think he's a layabout but a lot of men suddenly find themselves incapable of doing housework when they live with a woman, he doesn’t seem very proactive that's all. That plus the not sharing pertinent financial info when they're supposedly just about to buy a house doesn't look good.

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To me it just seems as though he doesn’t want to buy a place with the Op.

He has a child and a business and a home - 1 hour away.

He doesn’t want @LemonBelly to know his finances because he doesn’t want to buy with her.

If he was chomping at the bit - I might understand the point about him secretly wanting the Op to take over parenting his child when there is zero to indicate this is the case at all

InMyOodie · 19/02/2026 14:46

Hellohelga · 19/02/2026 13:10

Cant believe you are discussing buying together and speaking about areas and mortgages but you don’t even know what he earns??? That should have been the very first question. So I earn this per month and have (or could generate) x for a deposit. What about you? Don’t do it.

That's how it works in normal relationships when neither has anything to hide. You do the maths together.

It sounds like he's dodging being transparent by making out his business financials are 'too complicated' for the OP to understand. He seems shifty.

pinkyredrose · 19/02/2026 14:44

Sishere · 19/02/2026 14:30

He has his daughter 70% and has his own business.

what would make you think he’s a layabout?

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I don't think he's a layabout but a lot of men suddenly find themselves incapable of doing housework when they live with a woman, he doesn’t seem very proactive that's all. That plus the not sharing pertinent financial info when they're supposedly just about to buy a house doesn't look good.

HarlanCobenDogshit · 19/02/2026 14:35

OP, you are getting very good advice on this thread.

Please take it onboard.

Sishere · 19/02/2026 14:30

pinkyredrose · 19/02/2026 14:24

She already said he'd move in with her tmw, he's just stalling on buying somewhere. More likely he's keen on having a woman at home to keep things ticking over while he has less responsibility.

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He has his daughter 70% and has his own business.

what would make you think he’s a layabout?

Sishere · 19/02/2026 14:29

pinkyredrose · 19/02/2026 14:24

She already said he'd move in with her tmw, he's just stalling on buying somewhere. More likely he's keen on having a woman at home to keep things ticking over while he has less responsibility.

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Yes - but that’s just words. Everything else indicates he doesn’t want to

pinkyredrose · 19/02/2026 14:24

Sishere · 19/02/2026 14:20

Why can’t it be that he’s just not keen on buying a property with the Op? He has a child, a business and a home - an hour away.

Maybe he’s happy and settled, as is his child, and that’s really the long and short of it.

She already said he'd move in with her tmw, he's just stalling on buying somewhere. More likely he's keen on having a woman at home to keep things ticking over while he has less responsibility.

pinkyredrose · 19/02/2026 14:21

Tbh if he's not transparent about money before you buy a house with him he's not likely to be afterwards.

If you do buy with him he needs to pay more of the utilities for the amount his daughter will use.

I can see a future where you're subsidising him and his daughter plus paying for her birthdays, friends presents, her clubs, taking her to school, paying for holidays for you all etc.

How is he in the house, will he be 50/50 on cooking, meal planning, cleaning, laundry, house maintenance etc or is there a risk he'll suddenly have to start working extra hours 'for the business', going out with mates etc knowing that his daughter is home with you?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/02/2026 14:21

In your shoes I would keep my house, rent it out, and move in with him a daughter and see how that does for 6months at least first. You’ll lose so much on estate agent fees and stamp duty if this goes tits up.

Sishere · 19/02/2026 14:20

Why can’t it be that he’s just not keen on buying a property with the Op? He has a child, a business and a home - an hour away.

Maybe he’s happy and settled, as is his child, and that’s really the long and short of it.

Idleplum · 19/02/2026 14:17

My guess would be his credit history is shit, either current debts or historic CCJ’s and he doesn’t want you to know that he won’t pass a credit check.