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Original poster

Grave visiting on birthdays

58 replies

TsunamiSurfer · 18/02/2026 21:45

genuinely unsure how I feel about this…

my brother died 6 years ago, today would have been his 50th birthday.

his grave is in a rather secluded spot in the countryside.

my friend, who I met post his passing, walked circa 2.5 miles to visit my brothers grave today to “pay his respects to my brother”

I know this because I drive past him on the road on the country lane near my parents house, stopped the car, said hi and asked why he was in this neck of the woods.

i genuinely didn’t know what to say, he knows me very well, has also lost a sibling but he never ever met my brother.

I was on my way to visit my brothers grave and lay flowers and personal momentos.

Essentially, my friend is the first person to have visited my brothers grave on his 50th birthday, having never ever known or met him.

it feels intrusive, but that’s why I’m posting here, because maybe my grief and the weight of today is clouding me..

for added context I’ve been married for 25 years, my husband and two of my kids knew my brother…

OP posts:
CrazyGoatLady · 18/02/2026 22:26

You said he'd also lost a sibling. Is his sibling's grave nearby? I guess I kind of wondered whether maybe it was a bit of a substitute for being able to visit his own brother's grave.

People often struggle to know how to support grieving friends. It's slightly strange, but probably he thought he was doing something kind or trying to connect with your loss. We do strange things when grieving, and we also do strange things when seeking connection.

Summerbay23 · 18/02/2026 22:21

Ok, maybe I’m a big cynic but I think it’s a bit odd. If he’d wanted to support you then maybe an appropriate message or some flowers or offer of a coffee. To visit your brothers grave (having never met him) seems unusual to me.

Although the fact that you’ve asked the question suggests that you also think it’s a little odd so maybe trust your instincts.

JustGiveMeReason · 18/02/2026 22:19

I'm not sure what you are asking what you ABU about or not, so haven't voted.

It does sound a strange thing to do.
I mean, I don't 'get' what some many people get from visiting graves of loved ones - I feel nothing there - but I understand many people do. It seems bizarre to go and 'pay respects' to someone you've never met though, other than in an ancestor search type of way maybe.

The only thing I can think was they wanted to get out for a walk and the grave was the sort of distance they wanted to walk ??? But that does seem to be clutching at straws. I'd find it really strange if a friend I'd met since my brother died told me they went to visit his grave.

JanBlues2026 · 18/02/2026 22:05

That’s weird

Original poster
TsunamiSurfer · 18/02/2026 21:48

Thank you so much for your kind reply.
this is why I posted … grief isn’t always helpful in these scenarios

OP posts:
UnhappyHobbit · 18/02/2026 21:47

I think it’s a little odd but maybe he’s a bit bored and thought it was a nice thing to do for you.

Original poster
TsunamiSurfer · 18/02/2026 21:47

2.5 miles there, same back… so a 5 mile round trip, the road where we met is unavoidable so to speak… I think he wanted me to know what he’d done…

OP posts:
giddyaunt19 · 18/02/2026 21:46

Grief is terrible op.

i think your friend did a nice thing.

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